The Height of Desperation

As I have mentioned before, I am not much for cooking. Honestly, I’d love to be able to cook if I had the time, money, someone to clean up after me and were…oh, wait…any good at it at all. I can pretty much make a hell of an omelet and do some crazy shit with pasta, chicken, bacon, Jack Daniels original no. 9 sauce, and Alfredo sauce. Other than that…I. SUCK.

Which is fine since I live alone; except when I’m asked to bring a side…like rice. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to fuck up rice. This girl is living proof. I’m good with a salad and some bread though. So…bully for me.

In college, I used to always offer to make my boyfriend dinner which 90% of the time consisted of chicken of some sort. Good Lord, I really am my mother- the woman lives on chicken with some variation of rice/pasta/tomato/spinach/mushrooms. The other 10% of the time, it was Hamburger Helper. Boy, can I make some Hamburger Helper.

So the other night, I stumbled across some I had bought a while back when they were on sale 2-for-1 at Publix. I didn’t have hamburger meat but I was not to be deterred. Damnit, I wanted this! So I searched the kitchen for something I could do with this box. You know how some people can just throw shit together and viola! They appear to have gone to culinary school in their kitchen with minimal effort (and no mess, how on earth is that possible?!?!?!). Well, I am NOT that person.

I finally settled on what I thought would be an appropriate substitute for my meal in a box: a veggie burger. Same premise right? Can’t taste TOO much different.

BOY.
WAS.
I.
WRONG.

I do not recommend this pairing unless you have never tasted ground chuck in your life. Also, I’d recommend cooking the entire meal in a completely different manner than the box tells you. Though I’m not sure specifically how since we have already established I’m no Sandra Lee. Or whatever her name is.