Those of you that are friends with me on facebook may have seen my status update about losing a friend and wondered what was going on. Rather an odd status update to have at 10 pm on a Saturday night when I would typically be out partying it up or at home already in bed (I know, I’m one extreme or the other. Rarely in between). Well, I had been out drinking and had cut myself off and took myself home so that I didn’t make a fool of myself by getting upset over something I obviously had no control over.
The scenario: I used to sleep with a friend of mine. I wanted more, he didn’t. We ended up great friends for a good period of time. In fact, I worked really hard to ensure that when we left the sleeping together stage I still had my friend because he helped me through a lot of shit in 2008 (death of my grandmother, losing a job, moving…) and I felt like I did the same for him (the exact same scenarios actually). Now, he has a girlfriend and apparently he is either uncomfortable with the idea of us being friends or she is because he has seriously made efforts to cut ties with me without being completely obvious about it. He rarely emails me back, ignores offers to grab lunch and catch up, rescinded an invitation to his house warming party, detagged any and all pictures of us on facebook and then Saturday was a complete ass.
How was he an ass? Well, I’m sure this situation was uncomfortable for him but it was for me as well. We were both invited to a wedding shower for our friend Katie. He brought his girlfriend and I flew solo, per usual. It seemed ridiculous to come up with a date when everyone knows I am single. His girlfriend is also friends with Katie, as is her best friend, Lauren. So they both were there. I arrived first and was in the midst of a group of friends that neither of them really knows. I didn’t even notice their arrival and would not have seen them for some time except the asshole thought it would be appropriate and warranted to yell out “Hi Erin” in a very condescending voice. Like I was purposefully ignoring them. Like I should have interrupted my conversation with two cute, nice and single guys to run over and talk to an ex and his girlfriend who obviously does not care for me. She didn’t even bother with an acknowledgement at my presence.
The rest of my day and early evening was spent avoiding the two of them like the plague. Which wasn’t hard considering they behave like fucking high schoolers. I don’t think I ever saw one without the other. And girlfriend staged an impromptu photo shoot of them with her BFF and her husband (who happen to be their neighbors) in the middle of the damn yard, not five feet from where I stood with said cute, single guys. Now the obvious shunning of me I could handle. I was avoiding them probably more than they were avoiding me because I always told him I didn’t want to make a situation uncomfortable for him. I figure it will be easier if he wants to talk, if he comes to me. This way if girlfriend gets mad it had nothing to do with me trying to “steal” my ex back from under her.
I caught them both watching me multiple times and definitely saw her chatting up her bestie and shooting me looks. Add all of that to the detagging of pictures and lack of communication between the two of us, and you have a very upset girl (that girl being me). Yes, on some level, I recognize I’m jealous of the relationship they have. And jealous that he pays attention to her and couldn’t be bothered to speak to me as though we were actually friends. The irnoic part is Katie and he used to hook up and she has no problem with Katie. So either she doesn't know or she is okay with it because Katie is getting married. I feel like the way we handled it just lends credence to her obvious opinion of me being someone she needs to watch out for. On the other level, though, I’m extremely hurt and disappointed in someone I counted as a close friend. If there was going to be an issue, I feel as though it would have been acceptable for him to give me the heads up. Instead, I left the wedding shower feeling as though my puppy had been hit by a car.
The scenario: I used to sleep with a friend of mine. I wanted more, he didn’t. We ended up great friends for a good period of time. In fact, I worked really hard to ensure that when we left the sleeping together stage I still had my friend because he helped me through a lot of shit in 2008 (death of my grandmother, losing a job, moving…) and I felt like I did the same for him (the exact same scenarios actually). Now, he has a girlfriend and apparently he is either uncomfortable with the idea of us being friends or she is because he has seriously made efforts to cut ties with me without being completely obvious about it. He rarely emails me back, ignores offers to grab lunch and catch up, rescinded an invitation to his house warming party, detagged any and all pictures of us on facebook and then Saturday was a complete ass.
How was he an ass? Well, I’m sure this situation was uncomfortable for him but it was for me as well. We were both invited to a wedding shower for our friend Katie. He brought his girlfriend and I flew solo, per usual. It seemed ridiculous to come up with a date when everyone knows I am single. His girlfriend is also friends with Katie, as is her best friend, Lauren. So they both were there. I arrived first and was in the midst of a group of friends that neither of them really knows. I didn’t even notice their arrival and would not have seen them for some time except the asshole thought it would be appropriate and warranted to yell out “Hi Erin” in a very condescending voice. Like I was purposefully ignoring them. Like I should have interrupted my conversation with two cute, nice and single guys to run over and talk to an ex and his girlfriend who obviously does not care for me. She didn’t even bother with an acknowledgement at my presence.
The rest of my day and early evening was spent avoiding the two of them like the plague. Which wasn’t hard considering they behave like fucking high schoolers. I don’t think I ever saw one without the other. And girlfriend staged an impromptu photo shoot of them with her BFF and her husband (who happen to be their neighbors) in the middle of the damn yard, not five feet from where I stood with said cute, single guys. Now the obvious shunning of me I could handle. I was avoiding them probably more than they were avoiding me because I always told him I didn’t want to make a situation uncomfortable for him. I figure it will be easier if he wants to talk, if he comes to me. This way if girlfriend gets mad it had nothing to do with me trying to “steal” my ex back from under her.
I caught them both watching me multiple times and definitely saw her chatting up her bestie and shooting me looks. Add all of that to the detagging of pictures and lack of communication between the two of us, and you have a very upset girl (that girl being me). Yes, on some level, I recognize I’m jealous of the relationship they have. And jealous that he pays attention to her and couldn’t be bothered to speak to me as though we were actually friends. The irnoic part is Katie and he used to hook up and she has no problem with Katie. So either she doesn't know or she is okay with it because Katie is getting married. I feel like the way we handled it just lends credence to her obvious opinion of me being someone she needs to watch out for. On the other level, though, I’m extremely hurt and disappointed in someone I counted as a close friend. If there was going to be an issue, I feel as though it would have been acceptable for him to give me the heads up. Instead, I left the wedding shower feeling as though my puppy had been hit by a car.
So, my question (and you knew I’d have one), is do I let this go and just look back on our friendship with a fondness when I finally get past the hurt? Chalk it up to the end of a friendship? Or do I confront him about our friendship and where we stand? And if so, what’s the best way to go about it?
9 comments:
Well, I know who you are talking about and the ends and outs of yalls relationship. If it were me, I'd definitely approach him. And I would do it soon, while the series of Saturdays events are still fresh in your mind.
Go to his place of work one day this week and ask if you can talk? (maybe the day you work from home?) Be sincere about it. If he gives you an excuse not to do it in person, stress to him that some sort of communication needs to occur.
Then call him, leave a sincere message with your reasoning behind wanting to talk if he does not answer. And then you will know that you tried. If he values you at all, he should be man enough to give some sort of explanation. But at least you know you gave it one last shot. Hopefully you can talk it out, if not then se la vi!
I understand about wanting to know where you stand. When you think back about your friendship make sure to look at everything. Shit, has he even open that gift or said anything to you about it?
Don't go to his job though. Nothing and I mean nothing good ever happens when you have a serious conversation at work. It's happened to me a few times and honestly it just pissed me off even further. He has to finish working for the rest of the day. I'd call him or e-mail him. Maybe even lunch.
If he doesn't answer you or won't return your phone call then you might have to chalk it up to the end of a friendship.
If I were in your shoes (and I've been in similar shoes before), I would probably leave him be for the time being. He's obviously not in a situation where he feels comfortable being friends with you while he's dating the new girl. And maybe it's extremely immature on his part and yes it definitely sucks balls, but sometimes you give the guy his space and after a month or two he realizes how much of a d-bag he's being and he'll want you back in his life. maybe not as eff-friends or in a relationship, but hopefully in a friendship way. When a guy starts dating a new girl, the "girl friend" is extremely intimidating and his gf obviously has insecurities about you and i'm sure he's just trying to keep a distance from you because he's afraid of ruining a potential relationship w/ the newbie. Problem is he doesn't realize he's hurting you while he's doing that. but if his new relationship starts to develop into something, he'll probably become more comfortable with bringing you into his life again and will likely even seek your approval of the new girl. It sucks because I know I don't like to be left high and dry but if you let it roll off your shoulders for now and leave hime alone, he'll likely miss you pretty quickly and seek out your friendship again. If he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve you as a friend to begin with.
I guess I needed to be more specific when I said go to his job. I didnt mean have the convo there, but simply bring it up that you would like to talk to him because you know where he will be. But yes, I agree with A is for Awesome...dont talk about it while he is at work. I just know that is where you will surely be able to get a hold of him if you feel like confronting him. Because as you said, he rarely emails you back and Blaire has also made a good point. He is obviously not in a situation where he feels comfortable. (my guess is that it was even more uncomfortable with the gf by his side, as it was apparent at the shower)
Good luck if you feel like talking more about it and weighing all the options. I am here to listen and help in any way I can.
Thanks guys...Blaire this is the exact opposite of what normally happens. At the start of their relationship things were great between us as friends. They've been dating almost a year now and own a house together. Seems like the more secure she gets in terms of the positioning of their relationship, the more insecure she gets about our friendship... which makes no sense to me since they met while he and I were whatever we were!
I'm sorry, they've been dating almost a year and own a house together? Does anyone else think that seems fast, or just me?
Haha I thought it was just the green eyed monster when that thought entered my head as well. Living together, maybe...I guess... but owning a house after 7 months dating? Whew, whirlwind!
No, it is not just you. Even living together after 7 months is pushing it. But purchasing a house is ridic.
uuggghhhh that makes me want to yarf. i have 2 friends...well ONE friend and his (now) wife didn't know each other for even 3 months before they were engaged, 6 months they were married - gross...just...gross... i'm so sorry that things have been getting worse as time progresses. She's obvi totes jeal of you (hope you like those abbrevs) and has some power over him to keep you two from remaining friends. ugh some girls are so evil! anyway, i still stick by the fact that if he doesn't reach out to you soon, he doesn't deserve your friendship to begin with. Good luck with everything though! and btw, we need to hang out soon...
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