I’m pretty good about my general hygiene down there. I tend to keep it trimmed and shaved to an appropriate level. It’s not that I have anything particularly against the completely shaved look; it’s just too much for me to keep up with on a regular basis. Every now and then, though, my boyfriend will ask me if all the hair can go. It’s usually around a big party, anniversary or birthday so I try to oblige. I’ve tried shaving and I’ve tried Nair and I can’t seem to get the job completely done.
I’m at the tanning bed the other day and they have some pamphlets for businesses around them. I see one that’s advertising a Brazilian wax for $35 and I started thinking. I mean, how bad can it be? There are women that do it all the time and the waxer must have some type of certification or training. So, after consulting my good friend Google about what to expect, in I went.
The first clue should have been when I told her it was my first time and she kind of chuckled. She walks me to my room and tells me to take off “all the bottoms” and she’ll be right back. My first thought is, “All the bottoms? And just lay there? Like, no drape or anything? …. Okay….” I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe dinner first? Anyways, there I am in all my glory and she comes back in. I see her pour steaming hot wax into a Dixie cup and the doubts start, “What was I thinking?” So I ask her if it hurts.
“You first time… Ah… Ha… Yes. It get better each time. I try to do smaller sections at a time for you.”
Fantastic.
This wax was hot. And she starts spreading it all over me. After the first rip and her sympathetic/amused glance to see how I reacted I was thinking, “How bad does it look? Can I leave and finish it on my own?” After deciding I would power through it, the torture only got worse. I don’t know what else I was expecting, but the woman literally went down into the vag area with the wax. I don’t think there is a scarier feeling than realizing your inner most sacred hoohoo area is about to be RIPPED TO PIECES and you don’t know when she’s going to do it. Let me just say – OUCH! I figure the worst HAS to be done. Then I feel it. She’s putting steaming hot wax on my clit. For all that is good and sacred, who in the world first thought that this would be a good idea?? If I had known I would have asked for the “Brazilian without the clit service” or something. She was putting wax parts and then going back a little bit later to pull it off, so I laid there in complete terror until I felt it. There are no words.
After the torture, she put some kind of lotion on that immediately took away the burning. And I have to say, I think she did everything she could to minimize the pain. So at this point I’m figuring I’m finished.
Woman: “Okay, turn over. You want the back, too, right?”
Me: (Oh great, it’s an escape!) “Oh, umm… No, you know, I think I’m good.”
Woman: “It doesn’t hurt, you’ll be okay.” And she basically stands over me until I turn over. Between the hot wax and the sheer terror, I have sweat profusely at this point and the paper is sticking to me. I fumble for a second and then decide, “What the fuck. The worst has got to be over, just go ahead and take it on home. Grow a pair.” So, over I flip as gracefully as possible with paper stuck to my ass. I had no idea what she was going to do.
THE BITCH PUT WAX ON MY BUTT HOLE. You can’t make this stuff up. I’m lying there, literally holding my ass cheeks apart for her. There’s music playing and that obnoxious Firefly song is on. The lyric is: “Leave my door open just a CRACK.” It honestly was all I could do not to collapse in laughter. I mean, what else are you gonna do? I’ve had wax in my most privates of privates; I guess you might as well laugh about it.
All I have to say is the boyfriend better appreciate it. It’s something I am glad I did because now I at least know what it really is. It was definitely an experience… But please, wax lady: leave my clit and inner region alone next time. Just the visible area will be fine. And, no, I will not turn over.
So, how bout it ladies? Any other horror stories or tips and advice for novices like myself? What are your thoughts on the completely bare vs the forest below?
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