Conversations with my friends

I have a buddy back home in Jersey, we'll call him.... VM... and he likes to tease me. Mainly because after 70s Throwback and I self imploded he stumbled upon my drunken, crying mess of a self and had to spend an evening calming me down. I see him about twice a year (this year will be 4 times, a record) and we drink a couple of times and then text a few times between visits. Tonight, we were texting about a fb convo that occured earlier.

Me: I'm sorry my decision to remain single in Vegas disappoints yo. I'll look at doing it when I go for Cinco de Mayo.
VM: Well, you'll have to marry a Mexican, then.
Me: Ummm not my type. We can discuss when I come to town for Christmas.
VM: Well I'm guessing your type is somewhere between 70s Throwback and your now ex boyfriend. I'll keep an eye out.

My friends are such dicks. Just stick that knife in real hard and turn it while you're at it. Also, throw some salt on it:

Me: Haha asshole. I hate you.
VM: Haha. So when you coming home?
Me: Devember 26th to January 3rd. I hear you'll have a new roommate who is my type by then.
VM: Nice. Yeah, so I guess I'll be seeing you a lot then, huh?
Me: Haha idk about that. Rather presumptuous of you to assume so.
VM: So we're not hanging out?

Clearly, rereads the commentary because a few minutes later I get this:

VM: I wasn't assuming you and 70s throwback. What's on your mind....?
Me: Haha you just brought him up so I guess I thought you were going there.
VM: Hahahaha maybe I was.
Me: Jerk. Uncalled for. No more Jersey guys for me. We can still hang out though.
VM: You brought it on yourself.

Gosh, VM I had no clue my dating decisions were made by me and should automatically bring pain or discomfort upon myself. Asshole. I am aware I "brought it upon myself" as you so eloquently put it.

I then evened it out with the following exchange:

Me: How's your love life these days?
VM: I guess it is your turn to be a jerk, huh?
Me: Oh it's all fun and games to poke at me but when I out the spotlight on you it isn't funny anymore?

Don't fuck with me people. I will do everything to make you as uncomfortable as me. Misery loves company and all that bull shit.

Who is Chef Swagger?

Okay but seriously, how is Chef Swagger not bigger than Ramen? He should have commercials with the T-Pain microphone and then he'd be pimpin'. Not only that but this sells at Dollar Tree but not a regular grocery store? There is an untapped market they are missing out on.

And then I googled it.

Holy shit, they have a website. Pardon me, I'm busy.

Monday Musings

• It's been a while. For that I apologize.
• Larry Munson, voice of the DAWGS, passed away from complications with Pneumonia. It's a sad day in the bulldog nation. I'm going to spend the day listening to his playcalling. You can read his favorite calls here.
• Software testing is the PITS. Nothing works and it is a lot of fucking work that takes away from doing your actual job. I can't recruit if I'm over here trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with our applicant tracking system in time for the rollout.
• The other day in the middle of the day a guy showed up and knocked on my door. I answered it. He said he had the wrong address and walked away. I just got an email from my landlord that the guy was there to move my shit out because he had been given the wrong address and thought the condo was under foreclosure. She had to assure me that her payments on the condo are up to date and I am not going anywhere. Imagine if I hadn't been home. I'd have come home to nothing in my condo and thought I'd been robbed. That is a scary thought.
• I have so much to do before the holiday. Like unpacking from the weekend and repacking for 5 days. And cleaning my apartment in case someone comes to move me out so they think I am not a slob.
• What the fuck is with people updating their fb statuses to tell me what they are thankful for? Look I don't give a shit. 90% of it is stupid shit. 5% doesn't make sense to anyone but you and your besties. 5% of it is valid. Therefore, I now think you are a vain and shallow person with no clue about the world around you. If that is what you are going for then CONGRATS! GREAT SUCCESS!
• This weekend I took my mom to the UGA football game. We played Kentucky and clinched the SEC East. Awesome right?  Except in the span of 5 minutes, I broke my new iPhone and she lost her new iPhone. Like mother, like daughter, eh? No one should be surprised by me but everyone will be shocked by my mom. That is the last time I take her to a college football game.
• I really wonder what some people do all damn day that they can send me 800+ emails when I have already said I will get the information to them when I get a chance. CHILL THE FUCK OUT MY DAMN OUT OF OFFICE IS ON.
• The only way for me to lose weight is to constantly eat the same damn thing. Every day. I am so bored. Then I flip out from boredom, go to Arbys and order the entire menu and weigh 10 lbs more than I did when I started. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!
• Apparently the entire damn company is on vacation this week. Makes my job a little more difficult.
• Dear everyone, I think I am done with weddings after next year. DONE.
• Why the fuck am I watching Knight and Day? I cannot stand Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz is alternately the most annoying fucking actress ever and a slightly tolerable one.
• Why do people try to schedule conference calls for the very next day? I don't know about them but I have a damn job and I'm doing it. Why are people so surprised when I'm unable to speak due to my schedule?

Conversations with my friends

A: Game of choices: choose one to marry, one to fuck, and one to kill... Tebow, Spurrier, and Muschamp.

Me: Fuck Tebow. Marry Muschamp. Kill Spurrier.

A: Ha! I love it! We were playing the game and I figured you would have insight.

Me: Ha well I want to take Tebow's virginity (doggie style of course),Muschamp went to UGA so I can train him to bend to my will and Spurrier is just a douche.

I'm Naked in Front of You... Why Aren't You Trying to Have Sex With Me?

I'm confused. I thought, if a naked girl is in front of a guy that he would immediately try to have sex with her. Right? Isn't that what you dickheads have been telling me? Isn't that why "oh her mouth just happened to swallow my dick when she tripped walking toward me and I didn't know my fly was open" is a valid excuse in their opinion? Isn't that why they hook up with ugly chicks? Because they like sex and naked women get them going right?

Well then this particular incident is bothering me. A lot.

Okay, first, I know I'm no spring chicken. There are lots of skinny hotter chicks than me in the world. But in my humble opinion, my own boyfriend should be trying to sex me up when I'm naked in front of him.

Anyway, on his last visit, I came home from the gym and took a shower.

First, why didn't he try to have shower sex? Apparently, Sports Center held his attention and it didn't occur to him. Your girlfriend is naked, soaping up and it isn't on your mind?!?!

Second, I came out of the shower and was standing in my robe in my closet contemplating what to wear. Do you know how easy a robe is to take off? I just took half the effort out of sex and still nothing. He is standing behind me watching me get ready. Seriously, at least comment on the fact I'm naked under here.

So of course, I whip around thus flashing everything and say something about sex and he tells me he's hungry so I need to get ready so we can eat and then have sex.

NO, NO, NO.

I should not have to put this much effort into this, am I right? I mean I clearly want sex if I'm parading around in a silk robe taking my sweet ass time getting dressed so you'll notice I'M NAKED under here.

And when I asked him about it he said I should have just grabbed his dick. Then he would have known I wanted to have sex.

Is this for serious? Is there something wrong with me?

This means I want Sex. FYI.

I'm Probably Going to Regret This...

But probably not. Because I'm a sharer and I think other people will find this amusing. Except for the ones who don't. Which frankly, if you don't you should not be reading my blog if we're all being honest here.

Today, something surprising happened. Today, I was called rude and tasteless.

But Life in Shambles, how could this surprise you? Well, it wasn't so much that I was called these two things but rather that it got me thinking about the situation that brought it on. Half of me hopes the person who said it, is reading this and the other half hopes she doesn't because I really don't want to hear anything else from her and this will certainly blow up in my face. But, well... Here is why her comment surprised me:

1. This comment was prompted by one of my tweets. So she follows me on twitter. But clearly not often because she thinks that calling me rude and tasteless would be offensive to me. Like I would suddenly not be so because she said I was. Clearly she is unaware that most of my tweets are rude (a sampling includes the following: "I already need a drink. Today is filled with fucking stupid people." "Oh I want to kill one of my coworkers right now. You are AT THE STARBUCKS so WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME THE ADDRESS FOR THE CANDIDATE?" "I wouldn't be mean to people if they didn't make it so damn easy." "What the fuck? Too fat to be slutty." Just a few of my recent bitchy tweets). I don't really know why she felt the need to point it out when my profile clearly states I'm a mess sent here to make you feel better about your life (or worse if you're the idiot I'm making fun of).

2. She thought the tweet was about her. A girl I have never met thought I was tweeting about her. The tweet  was rude and tasteless in her opinion about her. It had to have hit home somewhere for her to assume it was about her. I also think it is pretty conceited to assume that I'm tweeting about you simply because we're conversing via email about something. Trust me, I have other shit going on in my world and there are plenty of other people who annoy me or disagree with me or just make my life plain miserable. And even if I was tweeting about her, can she honestly say she has never tweeted about someone else? I can't answer that because her tweets are protected and I'd have to request to follow her which frankly I don't care to do. But everyone tweets about someone who makes them mad at some point. And I would imagine it is often none to flattering.
In summary, yes I am rude and, I suppose, tasteless. But at least I own up to it.

And to end this on a fun note...

Seen On Facebook

"It's crazy when it comes to making big decisions in life that u are usually forced to figure out the pros and cons yourself."

Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, where the fuck were you when the rest of us joined the real world and got rid of our Pullups and tricycles?

Are you waiting on someone to hold your hand and make these decisions for you? Life isn't a paint by numbers, boyo.

And don't even get me started on not bothering to spell out the word you. Those two extra letters were really too much for you, huh?

I cannot believe I dated this douchebag.

I want to do this

What I need:
1. A Partner in Crime
2. Shot glasses. Lots of them. I have over a dozen but you probs need your own.
3. Cardboard
4. Markers
5. Booze

Who's with me?

Conversations with my Personal Trainer

My personal trainer is the shit. In two months I went from 189 to 164. And I'm holding steady now mainly because I hurt my ankle which has made running impossible. Yesterday, my trainer and I met at Retro Fitness for a 30 minute session.

Trainer: So what have you eaten today.
Me: Candy.
Trainer: What?
Me: Candy. Are you deaf?
Trainer: How much?
Me: One Reese's Peanut Butter cup and a box of nerds.
Trainer: A whole box of nerds?
Me: A mini box. For Halloween. You know none of those bastard children came by my place so now I have tons of candy. Good shit too. None of that crap old peopel try to pass off as candy worth a shit.
Trainer: That's all you've eaten today?
Me: Eggs. And a sandwich. It was delicious. And by delicious I mean boring.
Trainer: No mayo.
Me: No mayo.
Trainer: Good. No more candy.
Me: It cost 10 bucks. So either the Mexicans down the street need to come trick or treating or you need to give me $10 not to eat it.
Trainer: I will not fall for this trick.

I promptly went home and had two boxes of nerds, sweet tarts and some kit kats. Fuck my trainer. I'm getting my money's worth.

STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!

Couple of things:
1. The Stop sign knows what is up.
2. She could fit a lot more than a cell phone in there.
3. She is unaware that the veil she is wearing is see through. "Oh no one will see me if I answer this text real quick!"
4. Who the fuck is texting her that is important enough for her to be responding? Shouldn't they BE AT THE WEDDING IF THEY MATTER THAT MUCH?!?!
5. The lack of balls on this guy is appalling. I hope he uses this video in the divorce proceedings.

Vagina Vagina Vagina

The sign to the left. Kirk is just too easy of a target.

Kids these days

So, my alma mater is Brookwood High School. Grayson High School was created while I was in high school and cherry picked kids from the surrounding high schools to attend. Apparently, since then, Grayson has been seeking a rival. And my alma mater is their target. So they created this delicious video:



My hope was Brookwood would keep their mouths shut and kick their asses on the field as the reigning state champs should do. Of course, they didn't. Don't come into our school and make a video and think we'll let that shit go.


1. Which do you like better?
2. The BHS guy has a point- Grayson's cheerleader choice is busted. The one on the left was the hottest cheerleader they could find?
3. There will be a lot of fights at this game. So I'm going to attend. Of course.

Conversations With My 70s Throwback

Yes, we were whatevers. Now he is like my best friend. Probably not the best choice in friends I have ever made but whatever. Occassionally, I get some super sweet gems of conversations. See below:

Me: Haha I hate meatloaf.
Him: Ha yeah, I understand that. Most people don't like it.
Me: Haha good thing you and I didn't work out or I wouldn't be able to eat half of what you make haha
Him: Haha well that would just leave more for me.
Me: Haha good point. Make sure you find a girl who doesn't like your cooking and lets you use her ass as a plate.
Him: Yeah that is a must for sure.
Me: Hahaha omg I want to write you a personal ad.
Him: That would be a very interesting personal ad.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm ridiculous.

Why Did the Hispanic Man Cross the Road?

If you've ever wondered what to do in a situation that has no positive outcomes, then you will enjoy this next ridiculous story from my ridiculous life. You see, I'm not the greatest driver in the world (5 speeding tickets between 17-20 and a judge who threatened to yank my license from me so fast my head would spin and then charged me a $350 fine. 5 wrecks, 3 were my fault).  Usually, I'm late and in a rush (similar to my birth I'm told) and I just don't judge my spacing very well.

So, you've been set up for the story.

So the other day I'm driving down the road (Buford Highway for you Atlantans) and suddenly from my left, I see an Hispanic man darting through traffic right into my path! WTF?!?! In case you were wondering, this is a normal occurrence. For some reason, people in Atlanta are so impatient and fucking stupid that they don't realize that Atlanta has these things called CROSSWALKS or that when the light is red you can cross. So I'm faced with a conundrum. Do I hit the Hispanic man and teach him a lesson? Do I swerve and honk rudely at him? Would he understand in either instance why I was frustrated?

I, of course, chose what I imagine is the more expensive of the two choices: I swerved into the curb and lost a hub cap, busted my wheel and blew out my tire. All less than a mile from my condo. Why did I make this choice? In the moment of indecision, I saw myself on television attempting to explain hitting a hispanic man. I saw that no matter what I said, I came off as racist. Therefore, I thought, a better idea would be to slam into a curb going 45 miles an hour and then slink off to my condo. Not even a honk to let him know how angry I was.

Replacing a wheel and tire ain't cheap y'all. Add in a balance, rotation and alignment adjustment and we're talking any money I had in savings. And no more flight to visit my boyfriend.

The lesson in this of course is that next time you hit the dumb fuck so he'll stop crossing the damn street at inopportune times.

Florida Pro Combat Unis

This has probably been passed around a million times but I just came across it and it made me laugh.

Gators wear jhorts!

T-Pain Makes My Nights Better

Who is going out this weekend? Don't leave home without your T PAIN MICROPHONE. Imagine how much ass you could get with this thing? Who doesn't love T Pain? T Pain gets bitches. And men want to be him. So clearly, with this microphone and a lot of booze, you are well on yoru way to T Pain's lifestyle. Don't know what I am talking about? Check out the commercials below!




Think I can interview people with this microphone?



I will only do karaoke with this microphone going forward.

Absolut Has Answered My Secret Prayers!

My friends are the best! For instance, today I got a gchat to a link telling me how Absolut has finally figured out an answer to my conundrum of "WHAT THE FUCK TO DRINK TONIGHT?" You know liquor is grand. Wine makes me look feminine. Both make me the biggest asshole on the planet. And it is inevitable that I will ingest both before the night is over. So since they will meet in my stomach anyway, we ought to just put them together to begin with. Well...my friends, Absolut is all over that shit.

It is apparently in Australia, so who is with me? Let's hop a flight and try this shit out!

I Adore Whitney Cummings

Jokes.com
Whitney Cummings - Penises Are Like Snowflakes
comedians.comedycentral.com
Whitney Cummings Comedians Stand-Up

True Story, Whitney, true story.

Make sure you check out Denis Leary's "Douchebags and Donuts" special for more funny clips from Denis, Whitney and the gang. I personally just watched it twice. In a row.

Conversations with my Friends

I love the see friendship setting on facebook. It is almost as good as going back and reading my texts from last night. I have no idea what this was in reference to because I black out most nights but it is worth trying to figure out:

Me: I walked out of the bedroom and your almost empty glass of wine was on my bar. Don't worry I drained that shit when I took my vitamins. No drink left behind.
C: Just a sip of wine helps the vitamins go down...they work better that way.
Me: The adult version of a spoonful of sugar?
C: Oh yeah...I sing it every morning...except on the weekends.

No clue. But I need to start talking my vitamins with my booze again. That shit was legit.

Conversations with my boyfriend Part II

I get a lot of questions about having a boyfriend. For instance, how on earth did you get one? Well, that is a mystery to me, too. The funny thing is he tried to ask me to be his girlfriend one time and I changed the subject. "How bout that Phillies game last night?" I'm sure he really appreciated it but also kind of expected it when I tried to tell him to end it before it began. So imagine my surprise when I suddenly had a facebook official relationship status going on in my life. Without AWKWARD MOMENT #2 this would not have happened as an FYI.

Him: I need more hangers.
Me: Ummmmm why?
Him: Because I started unpacking shit from Florida and there is nice stuff that needs to be on a hanger.
Me: Idk why you did that. You just have to pack it back up when you move in to be with me.
Him: It was trash bags. And plus you're moving to Nashville with me if the show doesn't get picked up so you can support this unemployed actor.
Me: What? I signed a new lease last week.
Him: Then we both need this show to get picked up.
Me: No we don't. I would never see you.
Him: You would be on the road with me.
Me: Oh you'd take me with you? That is so sweet.
Me: How would you explain me to the production crew?
Him: I'll say it's complicated. Haha.
Me: Ha then I'm not traveling with you. Have fun.
Him: Well then tell me how to describe us.
Me: Ha. Idk but I'm not being it's complicated.
Him: Well you make the decision on what we are.
Me: Why am I making the decision?
Me: Are we really making a decision about us on text? Haha.
Him: Because I want you to.
Him: Hahaha yup.
Me: This is ridiculous.
Me: I cannot make this decision for us.
Him: Why not? I support your decision.
Me: Is this some kind of trick?
Him: I don't play games.
Me: This is a game!
Him: Nope.
Him: What would you call us?
Me: Right now? Idk. I mean if you took someone else home I'd be upset. And I'm not interested in seeing anyone else.
Him: I feel the same way. So we're dating.
Me: It would seem so.
Him: Well, good for us.

And this is how my boyfriend tricked me into dating him. I walked right into the damn trap.

Conversations with my boyfriend...

So weird to say it- I have a boyfriend. And you're thinking to yourself, who the hell would admit to dating this crazy-ass chick. Let me tell you he is a nut job himself. Someone ought to commit him to an institution for even thinking he wants to date me. But he does, in fact, he insists. And I thought this text convo today perfectly conveys how this is going to work:

Me: OMG we cannot have sex.
Him: And why is this?
Me: Well now I know how to get an immediate response from you.
Me: I CANNOT be eskimo sister with that girl L.
Him: I'm sitting on the couch watching tv. And there is no such thing as Eskimo sisters just brothers plus if she slept with 70s throwback you would be anyway.
Me: 1. Fuck you. I'm working. 2. Yes, there is such a thing. Might have a different name but it exists. 3. She hasn't slept with the 70s throwback.
Him: But what if she did?
Me: That is a disgusting image. And I would have been there first so it isn't as bad.
Him: You're talking crazy talk right now.
Me: hahaha J brought it up. Cause we are eskimo sisters. Then we started running through the group and I had a panic attack.
Him: I'm going to yell at J.
Me: She's about to talk me out of BJs too.
Him: You should get back to work.

10 minutes later:
Me: Would you wear a mexican wrestling mask and speak spanish to me during sex if I asked you to?
Him: Sure.
Me: Hahahaah omg I am so out of control. J is not helping at all.
Him: I'm still down for it though.
Me: Hahaha idk if I could control my giggles but we should legit try.
Him: We're doing it.
Me: Omg I can't wait. You better prepare some sexy Spanish.
Him: Just the accent might be better. My spanish is more confused than sexy.

Yeah, I see why we're dating now.

Awkward Moment #1

So I am moving into a brand new condo. Yes. Again. I never stay in one place longer than two years and most of the time just one year. I lose a lot of money this way. But until I figure my life out, this is the plan. ANYWAY. Moving brought me the idea of sharing all the awkward moments I encounter in my life so here is Awkward Moment #1:

I stopped by my landlord's place to pick up the keys to the condo and she was standing there in a Reading Rainbow shirt (fuck yeah) and jeans. She was all happy and giggly and invited me in. Then apologized for watching Charmed. And then said she was slightly drunk. So I, uncomfortably I might add, said "Well your daughter isn't home so it's fine."

"Yeah, I guess you noticed my daughter and husband aren't here. We're going through a divorce. So when she isn't here I drink tequila and watch Charmed. They just started streaming it on Netflix you know. So I'm a little tipsy right now. I apologize. We've been separated since April. Is this too much information? It is isn't it. Anyway, I just found out tonight that my husband has a girlfriend. And yes, he is still my husband until the divorce goes through. So I asked him how long he's been dating her and he told me he didn't know. Then I pressed the issue and he was like end of april, early may. Whatever. He was totally dating her before we separated. And he tried the we're-getting-divorced-because-of-us-not-her line too. So now I just get drunk and watch Charmed every time I'm alone. It's kind of sad."

Yeah. That really just happened. How the hell am I supposed to respond? I'm like I just want to take my keys and unload my shit in my new condo. But of course, I feel bad so the following comes out of my mouth:

"It's cool. Takes a while but you'll move on. In the meantime, get drunk whenever you want. In fact, I guess if you're ever drinking alone and you want company you know where I live."

WHAT THE FUCK BERRYFINE?!?!?! What are you doing? Why are you inviting your landlord to binge drink with you? Why do I feel the need to be nice to her like this? Jesus.

People Want to Change Me?

Someone literally said this to me the other day and I cannot stop laughing at it. The scenario: We're rolling to the bars. Everyone is all dressed up (there are 5 chicks in an SUV). I'm in the backseat with a bitch I don't know and this girl A. I must have been telling a story and cursing up a storm because A turns to me and says the following:

"I'm going to cure you of your incessant need to say Fuck."

I literally laughed in this girl's face and responded with "Fat fucking chance."

I'm sorry but there is no way on God's green Earth that you are depriving me of my favorite word that covers so many things. You need to get over it or stop talking to me.

Shortly after, she admitted the only reason she found this necessary was because now she can't stop saying it. I'm a fucking role model, y'all.

Beer as a Recovery Drink

Those of you who know me well...or read this blog ever...know that I am OBSESSED with activities involving booze and sports/games. For instance, a few of my favorite things:

1. Tailgating football. Pro or College. With Booze.
2. Watching football. Pro or College. With Booze.
3. Beer Pong. Yes, it is a sport. In the pool or on land.
4. Sloshball. If you don't know what this is, google it. I don't have time to educate.
5. Beer leagues. Softball and kickball.
6. Shuffleboard. The awesome kind. Not that bullshit- you're old and shouldn't really be moving kind.
7. Running half marathons that involve booze. For instance- the Wine Country Half Marathon. My upcoming Vegas 13.1.
8. Races that involve booze. Like the Skirtchaser which comes with 2 drink tickets that you redeem at the finish line. And also lots of single people.
9. Shots and Ladders
10. Cornhole
11. Golf - driving range, putting, drunk driving the cart. Pretty standard stuff.

Look this list could go on. Hell I could make up fucking games if I wanted to. I love booze. And games. So imagine my delight when I flipped through ESPN the Mag and discovered someone else out there thinks athletes should love beer. Specifically to aid in the recovery.

Check out Alkoholfrie Erdinger. Or Erdinger Alkoholfrie. Whatever. By way of ESPN the Mag- Google- Newser. According to this company, beer is a terrific post-exercise recovery drink. Forget what the experts are saying, I love where this company's think tank is going. What a great fucking idea.

From AP:
Beer: It's not just for couch potatoes anymore. A Bavarian brewmeister is touting its non-alcoholic beer as the latest sport drink for athletes, handing it out at the finish line of sporting events and touting its regenerative benefits. Unlike Gatorade, Erdinger Alkoholfrei is served up with a frothy head, and it comes in one color—a golden hue.



The company touts the beverage as an isotonic, vitamin-rich, no-additive beverage with natural regenerative powers that help athletes recover from a workout. In other words, it's carbohydrate-loaded refreshment without the alcoholic buzz of beer or the jitters caused by some energy drinks. "It's a very healthy product," says the US manager for Erdinger. But note: Alkoholfrei still contains less than 0.5% alcohol, making it a no-no in some states for anyone under 21.

Look I don't really give a shit if this stuff works. I'm buying it. Or O'Douls. Which is cheaper? The fact of the matter is I really don't care that at $10 a 6 pack it is more expensive than a gatorade, a thing of chocolate milk and a water bottle combined. Can it quench my thirst? Yes. Do I like beer? Yes. Will I probably add a shot of liquor because I don't really know what the point of "nonalcoholic" beer is? Of course. Will you be healthier with your compression socks and gallons of water? Decidely so. But I will be drunker. And there for much more fun than you.

You think your life is in shambles...

So. As I was getting ready this morning I was watching GMA and heard a little news story about a brother, brother, sister crime trio that is on the run in the south east.  Something about one brother cut his ankle monitoring bracelet off and then they started firing shots at a cop who was trying to pull them over for speeding and then they robbed a bank in Georgia and now these 3 are totally MIA.  (You can read here for a more professional journalistic account.)

But as GMA was reporting on this, two things popped into my mind. 

1)  Evidently they think this crime spree started because one of the brothers just had to register as a sex offender for sending inappropriate text messages to an 11 year old.  And this brother has a baby on the way and he was worried that he would no longer be able to see his kid.  Well. Dumbass. Let me tell you a little something, if you were not going to be able to see your kid then... you're for sure not going to see him/her now because you're going to be in JAIL.
2) They do not know where these 3 siblings are, but they have texted their mother.  You see, I am not a detective, but I have watched a lot of detective shows and seen a lot of news stories about pinging cell phones off of cell phone towers.  Have you not thought about that?  I mean a billboard campaign over pinging cell phone towers?  I am lost.

But with that said.  I must work today but remember your life is totally not in shambles if you compare yourself to those 3.

UH OHHHHH

Why did I contact Lucky Charms when everything went so disastrously wrong with my Ego Booster/70s Throwback?

He said all the right things.

From the wrong place.

And now, I am meeting him and sharing a hotel room in September for a long weekend. This has TROUBLE written all over it!

Operation Kick My Ass And Make Him Kiss It Day 2

Still feeling very motivated about working out. Especially since awesome sauce converse wearing idiot decided commenting and liking everything I did on facebook today was necessary. I'm also proud of day 3 of not speaking to him at all. Go me! Hey, it's the little things in life, ya know?

So I woke up this morning and did 25 minutes of Pilates. It was a tape but it is free and it got me going.

I followed this up with one egg with another egg white scrambled with some cheese and turkey.

2 hours later, I enjoyed a waffle with nutella. A special treat to reward myself for a stressful morning at work.

I followed this up with a couple of slices of turkey a few hours later. Yeah, I may need to go shopping.

Around 4 pm, I chowed down on a cup of pasta tossed in olive oil with goat cheese, 5 shrimps and peppers and onions mixed in. It was fucking delicious.

Right before hitting the gym, I nibbled on a Fiber One bar- peanut butter and chocolate chip of course.

Walked over to the gym after putting in 12 hours at work and did a cardio rotation. 20 minutes each on the treadmill, bicycle and elliptical before walking back home.

I sure would like something to cap the night off but I can't think of anything small I have around the house and payday is tomorrow. I may have to have a cup of hot green tea?

Sometimes, I scare myself with how healthy I can be. Hoping to hit the store tomorrow and pick up veggies and fruits. That will round everything out.

This was my inspiration while working out at the gym...Take it as you will.

Also, anyone ever done a cleanse? One of the trainers at my gym is strongly encouraging it and I'm considering it.

This Sums It Up...

The Chorus anyway. This is how I feel after dealing with the 70s Throwback who was once my Ego Booster. Bastard.



Christ, I hope Debbie Downer over here finds some new ass soon or you'll stop following out of sheer annoyance.

Shambles are Back in Style

I know Barbie just beat me to the punch (bitch) but whatever, Berryfine is back and ready to do damage. For 6 months, I've behaved (and for a stupid, omg are you fucking 15 years old reason) and it is time to get back to me.

In case you were confused, ME is that crazy bitch who drunk tweets and maybe makes bad decisions in public.

Me is that less than tactful "lady" who doesn't stand for bull shit and doesn't put her life on hold for an asshole who is going to stomp all over her heart with a total disregard for how she might feel when he does so. No, I'm not bitter. At all.

Me is the angry, disrespectful twit who stomps out of her apartment at 2 am to yell at a deaf guy for crushing cans.

Me is the girl hiding a tattoo on her foot for 2 years in creative and weird ways. Not because she is afraid of getting in trouble but because at this point it is like a fun little game.

Me is the depressed chic who is not positive and will never be positive and really wishes people would stop telling her to be more optimistic. Last I checked, no one finds my optimism endearing. They sure as shit enjoy laughing at my pessimism though. In fact, if I was happier people would hate me.

Me is a work in progress who one minute will be mature and responsible and the next will blow $100+ at a bar of money she doesn't have and then stumble home alone and strip in her doorway, leave the door open and pass out on the floor a mere foot from her bed.

And yeah I know ME IS is not an appropriate way to start a sentence but it makes a fucking point so you can get over it or stop reading now.

Whew, I feel better now.

Heartbreak Truly Is a Great Motivator

If you read Little Black Book or Life in Shambles, you have probably guessed that personal life has been less than stellar. And I mean that if you read those blogs before you came here.

In the last two weeks, my grandfather died and the guy I was talking to ended things after getting drunk and basically treating me with so little disrespect that I wonder if he was ever truly interested in me to begin with.

In two months, I will be back in my hometown and will have to see him again. This will be my first time seeing him since yesterday when he acted like nothing had ever happened. It will be my first return trip home since burying my grandfather and watching my family fall apart.

Today I marched into the gym and I looked at my trainer and I said NEW GOAL.

In two months, he won't have to wonder how I'm handling it. Instead, I will be fitter, happier and more confident than I was the past two weeks with him. My thighs will be strong, my arms will be lean and I will leave him wondering if he made a fucking mistake.

To that end, Gregg kicked my ass on legs tonight. We did squats, lunges, leg curls- heavy weights and lots of reps. He complimented me on how strong my legs are without having been doing anything with them. Then I hopped on the elliptical and did a cardio routine for 30 minutes and we discussed my diet. On Wednesday, I will head over to GNC and pick up protein powder and a cleanse.

Two months baby. I'll keep you updated on my progress during Operation Kick My Ass and Tell Him to Kiss It.

In honor of the stupid ass converse he insists on wearing no matter the occasion.

Monday Mess

And not the mess of cum on your face. Or hair.

Introducing, a new feature on Little Black Book. Every Monday, we'll round up great gems from around the interwebs- videos, blogs,news stories, whatever we find will be on the site. You can email suggestions to mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com as well.

• Proposition 8 (or Hate if you prefer) is heading back to court. And the judge is gay. Let the arguments for how biased he will be commence.
• In Dublin, PA a special education decided it was appropriate to give a student a sex toy. It's called integration. At least that is how I imagined she explained it to herself before handing a "sex device" to the special needs girl and sending her texts encouraging her to use it.
• Sugar Ray Leonard has come forward to reveal a harrowing story of sexual abuse in his past. This lovely site questions the validity of celebrity revelations involving abuse. And this is why no one comes forward.
• Looking for a juicy read? Pick up a copy of Life of the Party: A Political Press Tart Bares All. The first chapter starts with a woman discussing how some Jewish girls do give blowjobs. Well then, let the games begin. What I like about this book is that it calls out the Republicans for having raunchy sex themselves even as they sit on their high horses judging Democrats who do.
• You know how we go out with a hot guy and swear up and down we're not going to go home with him only to wind up blowing him in the car? Yeah, so does the Frisky. Check out their post on Dating from the viewpoint of your hormones. You can thank me later.
• Weinergate. Yes, people are calling it that. Did you hear that Weiner is having a mini-weiner? Not a joke. Also not a joke? This article explaining how Weinergate came about. I'm sorry did they just say this is social media's fault? Dude the guy is still a creep whether Twitter and Facebook existed or not.
• The next book you should buy? You know, after the one I just told you to check out? Jeremy Kost's It's Always Darkest Before Dawn. Apparently, blow jobs are actual the norm in NYC clubs. Why did I move away again?

That'll do it for this week, bitches and bros. Remember, if you stumble across a sexually related thing to share to shoot us an email because we want to be all over that cum-stain that looks like the Virgin Mary before anyone else is!

monday musings.

um. this blog has not been updated since march. and today i am feeling rather sassy and for sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed... so i feel that this makes for a great Monday musings. 

• guys are fucking lazy.  the boy that i am marrying never ever ever takes the empty pack of sodas out of the fridge. typically, i don't care. it effects him and his soda consumption (he drinks coke zero, me diet coke).  yet yesterday at some point he took the last diet coke and left the empty cardboard shell in the fridge.  so this morning i reach in for my "wake up don't be a bitch" juice and BAM there is nothing.  Therefore I am a bitch today.
• elevators. correct me if i am wrong, but those ON the elevator get off before those WAITING for it enter.  do we need to put signs outside of elevators? in my building, the answer is yes. yes we do.
• blue tooth ear pieces never were and never will be cool.  you look like a moron with a little blue light flashing out of your ear and you look moronic for talking to yourself.  and woman in the Mercedes.... your driving still sucks - you ran a stop sign and almost t-boned me.
• don't ever address an email to me saying "Greetings Barbie" .... you're not an alien you're a human.  Hello, Hi, Hey ... those are good options.  Greetings, yeah not so much.
• I feel like using twitter in a passive aggressive way sometimes. this morning, i did. it had to do with the "greetings" comment.
• why must i tell some people some things 4 million times?  listen to me. or is your life like 50 first dates and you just forget? shoot me in the face.
• back to this man that i am going to marry.  he also thinks the counter is a trash can. newsflash: it isn't.
• Atlanta. It is hot outside. Like air so thick you can't breathe hot. Hot weather makes me not very nice -- it is going to be a long summer.
• I hate how some people make some things so difficult.  I will leave it at that or I will type out a novel.
• Did you watch the Real Housewives Reunion last night?  That shit was bananas.  I could run over Gretchen and Alexis with my car and not feel bad about it.  Alexis set women back quite a bit by saying "a woman shouldn't be president" and that she "feels safer with a man running our country" ... but yet she would support her daughter if her daughter chose to run for president.  That woman is full of contradictions and bullshit.  She "waters" her marriage "like a rose garden" .... no moron you're in a controlling relationship with a dickhead husband.  Rawr.
• The reunion was following by the NJ Housewives and they new and improved version of Amazing Grace ... new lyrics "saved a wench like me"  ... another dumb bitch showing how dumb she is on national television.
• I do not feel like working today.  I took a lunch break.  Those things are amazing. They really break up your day.
• Um. Wedding planning.  So, I got this "brilliant" idea for the tables during cocktail hour.  I loved it.  God on the other hand, he did not.  Therefore the picture frames I am looking for, are no where to be found. 
• I have decided I hate pink and red nail polishes.  Or, maybe I just have not found a pink or red I like.  I do however love my putty clay looking color.
• Atlanta. Why do you have so many jay walkers ... and why do they decide to ONLY cross busy roads by foot not in crosswalks on roads like Peachtree Rd, Buford Hwy, Pleasantdale?!  Those roads my friends are BUSY.
• Speaking of wedding planning - the proof for our save the date just came.  Good lord those were expensive.  Everyone better ohh and ahh over it and tell me it is really cute.
• And ... more wedding planning.  I have cut some people off the guest list who are expecting invitations.  Whoops?  That will teach you to expect something. 
• I have the most unhealthy obsession with Etsy.  I need rehab. Or a freeze on my bank account.  STAT.

xoxo,
b

Where the fuck have I been?

Well, I was immersing myself in a new job and a new guy and suddenly blogging wasn't a priority for me anymore. My apologies for those of you who follow me but now that I've had my heart ripped from my chest, stomped all over and then run over by a bus before being put back into my chest I think I am ready to hop back on the train. Better than ever.

Stay tuned for updates cause Bitches I've got stories!

Getting Healthy Is a Lonely Endeavor...

Today I really sat down and thought about my efforts to get healthy. And I considered my friends and family and how they have impacted that.

And I realized that making the decision to get healthy is a very very lonely endeavor in a sea of 20-somethings who have either given up any hope of liking their bodies, just don't give a fuck or already have great bodies and simply have to maintain. It is not that any of them don't support a decision by me to get healthier but many of them simply don't understand.

Say, "I look fat" to a skinny girl and she'll say NO YOU DON'T. Say it to a friend who weighs more than you and she'll say NO YOU DON'T. Simply put, they either don't want to agree with you or they really don't agree with you. In their eyes you aren't fat. And telling them that 180+ lbs on a 5'6" frame is considered overweight simply doesn't change that perspective.

Try going out to eat with you friends. I'm sorry but if fries are on the menu it literally KILLS me not to order them. And when everyone else is getting slices of pizza, streak slathered in blue cheese and covered in bacon and frothy adult beverages it is literally impossible not to make a bad choice as well. If someone orders something decadent I invariably end up doing the same. Even if to begin with my intentions were good.

A night on the town equals almost a thousand calories in booze and mixers. Considered the fun one by a majority of my friends, if I head out and am not downing shots and beers they immediately convince me to do otherwise. And quite frankly, being the sober one in a sea of drunkards is not much fun.

In the end, to achieve my goal, I have to take myself out of these detrimental situations. And that often means I miss out on fun times with my friends. Given the option to spend the day working out or sit on a patio drinking frozen beverages, 9 out of 10 of my friends will choose the second option. None of them are in the same get fit boat I am in and those that are starting to get healthy are going to yoga classes (which I cannot stand) or go to different gyms. I guess it is time to figure out who that one out of 10 is going to spend their day being active or eating healthy. And figuring out who has been supportive and who hasn't has been a very eye-opening experience this past week. A little bit of my frustration might stem from some hurtful comments I've had come my way from friends who don't understand my decisions.

What do you guys do for fun on the weekends? How do you work social activities into your get healthy routine? I am really struggling with this in the face of what my friends are up to.

My Trainer is the Devil

I can't walk. And it is all his fault.

Yesterday, after a 15 minute run on the treadmill, Josh spent an hour working on my legs. And I mean WORKING.

Leg Presses with 125 lbs. Other leg exercises that I don't know what they are called with 70-110 lbs. Lunges. Hundreds of lunges. Calf raises with 90 lbs. Some butt workout with 70 lbs. I want to die today.

10 minutes of stretching in which he pushes on my back to force a deeper stretch.

Holy shit I hate everything about this guy.

And secretly I love him. If he keeps working me this hard I'm going to have the best ass in the state of GA.

I'm a little nervous about an hour of arm workouts next Tuesday.

Today, my focus is the food Josh is making me eat. In fact. I turned down a day of food tasting tomorrow because I do not think my self-discipline can handle it. And damnit, I'm taking this seriously.

So I need something fun to do that is cheap and doesn't involve food or beer. Maybe I will go hang out at the park...

What are your weekend plans?

HOLY NUTELLA!

WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!?!?!?!

I don't know how I haven't tried this sooner but I am officially obsessed with Nutella. That shit is the JAM.

Go to their website and enter to win a free case. You're welcome.

So, tell me, Nutella lovers, how do you eat Nutella? I tried it on toast but I need more suggestions. AND GO.

I'm BAAACCCCKKKK

Okay, I've had several people complain because I haven't been blogging. Never fear bitches I'm back!

Back and bigger than EVER.

No really, tipping the poor glass scale in my bathroom at 180.

This weekend, I said WTF is wrong with you? Get it together girl!

So, I stopped and bought a pair of Nike Frees to motivate me to keep hitting the gym. And I signed up for a personal trainer.

Who flaked on the first day.

Which meant today I had a nice two-a-day. And shelled out 500 bucks for training sessions twice a week. Boom. My trainer, Josh for the day, was awesome. He kicked my ass despite the fact that it was a complimentary session which really impressed me. My trainer going forward is a guy named Greg who trains Josh for MMA. Apparently he works with athletes for the most part and has very few female clients. I will seriously be getting ass in shape.

This week's goal: Drink a gallon of water a day. According to Josh this will keep me hydrated and prevent my body from withholding water and aid my muscles in recovery. I wasn't able to do it today since I didn't find out until 6 pm but the rest of the week it will happen.

I've decided I will have one cheat day a week. I'm not making it a set day as you never know when something will come up but once I use it, it is GONE.

How are your fitness goals for 2011 coming along? What has you motivated these days?

AND DID YOU MISS ME?

Down Since Monday

After the incident this weekend, Sunday was a rough one for me. I did go for a walk but not much else. Ate at the Vortex in midtown with my bro and his girlfriend where we had pretzels dipped in cheese dip, a buffalo chicken wrap and french fries. Other than that, I was lazy as can be.

Which led to me starting my week at 174.8 lbs.

I am happy to report, because of a lot of you guys, I did get my butt in gear on Monday. This week, I have gone to the gym 5 times, played kickball and softball and eaten pretty well for me. I have another gym time session planned for today at lunch. I am hopeful that Saturday morning I can drag my ass out of bed early enough to beat the rain for a run. Sunday I plan on doing some kind of workout dvd (I have several) and keeping it pretty low key.

I just had to turn in a story for Blush Magazine* in Chattanooga about losing weight for the wedding and I came across a few things I needed to be reminded of so I thought I would share them below:

• Write out concrete goals. For example, I want to lose 15 lbs by May 7th. This gives you a measurable goal so you can track your progress.
• Join a Weightloss Community. Or running community. Or whatever it is you need to keep you on track. Thanks to you guys I have this in the bag.
• Mix up your workouts. It fights boredom and challenges your body.
• Buddy Up. I do not do this at all. I might be a bit to competitive for that. Or lazy. Either way.
• Eat healthy in the long term. I'm working on this!

I did indulge in some moose tracks last night. I put it in a coffee mug to keep my portion in check (for me anyway). I'm sure it was more than a serving size but at least it wasn't the entire 1.5 quarts. Baby steps people.


As of this morning, I weigh 170.8. I am down 4 lbs in this week alone. I didn't starve myself. I just stopped eating like crap and made use of my lunch breaks for gym time. Hopefully I continue the trend.

As for Saturday's incident, I didn't really address it in this post but I will do so in a future post. Thanks to everyone on facebook, dailymile, twitter, this blog, other blogs and everywhere else who were so supportive!

*Click the link to see this month's stories: pg 14 on sensual workouts and pg 25 for 5 great fitness blogs you should be following! Oh! And my tips (from a non expert of course) for training for a marathon can be found on pg 30! Not that I've run one...just read about them!

Google

So, I saw this on someones facebook wall today:

Do you live in Atlanta? Interested in Google? Did you graduate between 2006 and 2010? We're hosting an event and we want YOU to come learn more about Google, while also sharing a bit about yourself. Complete the form below for information about working at THE BEST COMPANY. EVER.

https://spreadsheets9.google.com/a/google.com/viewform?hl...

See More

Google Alumni Party - Atlanta

spreadsheets9.google.com

about a minute ago ·  ·  · Share

I clicked the link and got to the full advertisement and found this little section to be interesting:

School *

•  Clark Atlanta University
•  Hampton
•  Howard
•  Morehouse
•  Spelman
•  Other: 
• 
  

Is it just me or is this somehow racially geared? Why are they only looking for people from historically black colleges and universities? And why didn't they say that before I clicked the link and got pumped about an event I'm clearly not the target demographic for? I actually had to use GOOGLE to look up HBCU in order to even understand that I was not invited AND that was after I caught a glimpse of the school list and realized UGA wasn't on it. Do I show up and claim ignorance? For that matter, do they prefer African Americans who attended only historic black colleges? Wouldn't it be easier to just write  COLLEGE: and leave a blank for them to write into? Would they rather Georgia State, University of Georgia, Georgia Southern, Georgia Tech and any other schools not listed as historically black just stay home?

Calling this a Google Alumni party seems silly to me- it is a broad title when you read the actual invite. This is for a select group of people- don't even get me started with the confinement of the year they graduated. I'm sure this happens all the time. I just find it interesting that HR is not allowed to select candidates based on race, religion, sex, etc and yet they can host a party that is for a certain type of person. With the economy the way it is and workers of every sex and race willing to work for less if it means having a job, why would Google limit themselves? And are they having to do this because they limited themselves to whites who attended engineering schools? Did they limit themselves to begin with and now they need to remedy it?

Here is the link to the full invite: https://spreadsheets9.google.com/viewform?hl=en&formkey=dGgzWjJjTkU1OWRWTmhIbW9vWHBsaUE6MQ&ndplr=1#gid=0

Thoughts?

*Before anyone gets mad at me, I am genuinely curious. I'm not knocking their decision to do it this way. I'm not saying they are choosing one race over another. I simply saw this for the first time today. Maybe they have done it for the major universities in general before. But then you have to wonder why they are segregating? So many questions....

Proof that Weight DOES NOT Matter As a Runner

And by that, I mean whether you are fat, average or skinny, you can finish a marathon.

Check out this story of a SUMO WRESTLER who completed a marathon, setting a Guinness World Record.

Wish this had happened in time for that jerk who called me Fatty Saturday.

A New Low

My struggle to get healthy is well-documented in this blog- pictures included. My workouts, my failings, my binges, my healthy meals...my successes. You would think being back to the weight I was at when I started this blog (correction struggling mightily to maintain the comfy 4 lb cushion I have before I hit that weight) would be my lowest point. To date anyway.

However, even with the fat rolls appearing in my midsection and the complete lack of motivation, I have never truly felt bad about myself. Want to lose weight and fit in my clothing? Sure. But truly feel bad about myself? Never.

I've added strength training to my workouts and have started back on the long journey to cardio fitness and running. All in all, I was starting to feel much better about where I am going in 2011.

Until today's run.

I got up this morning with a renewed sense of purpose. I was going for a morning run. No letting the day get away from me. I had a plan. I put on my UGA Nike Tempo shorts, a black drifit t-shirt and laced up my shoes. The Garmin, which has been charging for a month now during my sloth-like inactivity, was ready to go. The iPod, also unused in the past few weeks, was fully charged. My running playlist, which just a mere three weeks ago seemed stale, was amping me up.

I WAS GOING RUNNING.

The first mile and half felt good. I hit the mile mark and rather than turning around, I kept going. I decided I would run 2 miles out and then walk 2 miles home. And I was feeling good. I wasn't going my fastest but the day was gorgeous and I was running some hills.

And then it happened.

"HEY FATTY!!!! HOW FAST YOU GOING?"

In all of my life, I have never been called fat to my face. Okay, once by this girl my college boyfriend cheated on me with and later dated. But I didn't really let that bother me as she weighed more than me so who was she to talk (ironically, I was 20 lbs lighter then than I am now).

I was mortified.

And more than a little hurt.

Here I was, doing the best I can to better myself and this attractive (on the outside anyway) guy in a jeep is yelling at me. Doesn't it count for something that I am out there slugging up that fucking hill? What did I do to deserve that remark (except eat way too much food in the past 27 years of my life)? And to make matters worse, he laughed and repeated it to his buddy in the driver's seat so he could have a nice chuckle too.

Never one to let people know they've hurt me, I looked him dead in the face and said FUCK OFF. I never slackened my 10 minute mile pace. I just kept trucking that last half a mile.

All feelings of pride that I was out there and I was doing the damn thing had fled. Replacing those feelings were thoughts of failure. Of wondering why I didn't just enjoy the fuck out of my food and give up being healthy. If I'm going to get called fat running, I might as well get fatter and enjoy doing it. I felt inadequate. I felt ugly.

I was humiliated.

Every car that passed by, I imagined the driver and passengers wondering to themselves what that fat slob thought she was doing. By the time I hit mile 2 I felt completely depressed.

I spent the next 2 mile walk home alternately crying and getting pissed. I imagined marching out into Peachtree Street and giving that asshole a piece of my mind. I imagined decking him (which probably would have resulted in me being the one who was hurt with a broken hand instead). I imagined the whole thing never happened. That I was 5'8" and lanky like my sister.

Instead, I am me. I am 5'6" and weigh in at 172 lbs today. I eat too much but try to watch that it is healthy. I run when I can and ride the exercise bike. I try to add weight training. And I am trying my best to be happy with who I am RIGHT NOW. I wouldn't say I'm oblivious to the fact that I could be healthier and happier but most of the time I am pretty confident with who I am.

I'm just not sure how long it will take to get back to feeling good about myself after today's incident which has left me completely shaken. It may sound stupid but it really hurt and it makes me never want to leave the apartment in order to avoid it happening again.

30 Day Photo Challenge- Day 11

Something you hate. Seriously? This photo challenge was not made for me. I could go on about things I hate for HOURS a la Peter Griffin's What Really Grinds My Gears. For instance, the ridiculous girls who think the gym locker room in our office complex is an appropriate place to take their shits. Because no one is in the locker room to hear and smell that! Or my neighbors. Have a I mentioned lately that I hate my neighbors? Working in general isn't something I love but I don't know if I would say I hate it (can't actually. Not really in the mood to get fired for saying it again). That bitch on Twitter who called me a fug bitch and told me the falcons suck. I should put her picture on here and take a poll. How hold is this whore from Boston? I said 15 and she said Fuck you. Gotta me 16 then. What a potty mouth on that one. Or the old lady in the left lane yesterday making the turn onto Roswell Road at less than a mile an hour. Literally STOPPING then going an inch then stopping again. I honked and some asshat waiting at the red light to turn onto Glenridge yelled out his window to calm down. Shut the fuck up dickhead and mind your own business. If it was St. Patrick's day and you were stuck behind a handicapped woman who shouldn't be driving in the first place you'd be honking too. I guess maybe this has turned into a Friday Freakout. Also, I hate being broke. How's that for a hate? And mom's who post stupid shit on their facebook about their kids. I hate that more than I hate the political bullshit people seem to think I want to read. You are not an expert, nor could you do the job better you idiot.

I guess the thing that encompasses all my bitching is STUPIDITY.

Seen on Facebook

I think it's precious that not only is Lily a side sleeper, but she rolls to the side that she laid on in my belly. I LOVE my munchkin! In other news, she busted out "momma" again 3 times in 

her nap time hissy again. Robby & I think it was intentional - time will tell!

SERIOUSLY?!?!?! NO ONE GIVES A FUCK WHAT SIDE YOUR FUCKING BABY SLEEPS ON. THE END.

30 Day Photo Challenge Day 10

Fuck. I got drunk and forgot to blog. Which ties in nicely with the person you get into the most fucked up shit with photo.

Clearly anyone cupping my boobs and licking my neck has gotten into some fucked up shit with me. Unfortunately, I can never seem to remember what the fuck happened the next day. In other news, it is always fantastic to have a bartender as a best friend to ensure nights like these occur.

30 Day Photo Challenge- Day 9

Today is the day I let you in on the person who has gotten me through the most. And I am struggling so bear with me...

Hi Mom! She birthed me, she raised me, she boozed with me. She's the rock in my life. Welcome to the weekend....in case you were wondering Berryfine and her Mom will be drinking together this weekend so this really couldn't have come at a better time.

30 Day Photo Challenge- Day 8

A Photo That Makes Me Laugh... wow that will be tough.

This photo is from my last night living in NJ. It was August and hot as fuck but I was sick as a dog with some random ass rash that had plagued me over the summer (not a STD before you assume. Turned out to be strep throat in my skin). The guys wanted to take me out for a last night out on the town and it ended up being a shit show. I couldn't even tell you what the hell was going on here but the night included erotic photo hunt, fencing with barstools, naked dancing, wrestling matches, shots, chinese fire drills and god knows what else. It could not have been a better last night and I have 50+ pictures to remind me of what an awesome group of friends I have back home.

From the Interwebs

Cause I don't know what the fuck to write about today... And other people say it so much better anyway.

• Apparently there was a 7 year itch in long term relationships? And here I thought if you made it over the 2 year hump you were doing well. I'm so confused. Probably because I never make it past the 2 year hump (or even to it really). Anyway, according to this Reuter's article, it has been replaced with the 3 year glitch. And then I realized this had nothing to do with technology which the word glitch implied. And the people were British which we all know are like another species entirely.
• Are you a prostitute looking for work? Head to New Zealand where they are raking in the big bucks after a natural disaster left a city in shambles. I've heard of needing reaffirmation of your life after facing mortality but I never realized people PAID for it.
• WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH KIDS THESE DAYS?!?!?! AND ADULTS?!?!?! In Texas, they are investigating a cell phone video showing an 11 year old girl being sexually assaulted. By star high school athletes and convicted sex offenders. I repeat ELEVEN YEARS OLD. On a cellphone video. I'm never having kids if this is the shit they have to deal with.
• If you play college spots, don't fuck your girlfriend. At least if you attend BYU. The school has a code of conduct, damnit, and don't you break it or else. Talk about cutting your nose to spite your face. Let's get with the times here, folks. This guy has no pity for him and I see his point but I really think a lesser punishment would fit the crime. 
• Simply en fuego! In Miami, a couple parked in a park put on a sexy show for passerbys and were subsequently arrested. Sucks when jealous cops gots to throw you in slammer for doing what nature intended. I would like to know what they mean by UNNATURAL behavior though...
• Bad News Folks.... oral sex is linked to cancer. Fuck that shit- everything gives you cancer. I refuse to cease and desist blow jobs. For those of you who hate it, here is your excuse not to do it anymore: It apparently causes more throat cancers than tobacco. RJ Reynolds is rejoicing somewhere.
• Jess at WTF is Up with my Love Life is answering your techno-romance questions regarding what that facebook post he sent you means... Hint: it is a good thing.
• Speaking of facebook, not only is it the leading evidence provider in divorce cases (and also the cause in 1 of 5 divorces) it also is a big ego boost for people who use it. I'm going to guess these are in no way related. Or are they?

Day 1 of Lent

OHMYFUCKINGGODIWANTAFUCKINGDIETCOKESODAMNBAD.



Last night a guy and I were talking about Lent and I mentioned giving up sodas and he asked why I would do that. The fact is, I go through phases with my soda. Much like everything else in my life, I will go MONTHS without having a sode (subsequently I'll also happen to be 15 lbs lighter) and then a night of debauchery that leads to bad decision making leads to post drinking diet coke. AHHHHHH morning diet cokes are the best.

Literally, like Pavlov's dog hearing the bell ring, I can hear a soda can open and immediately the craving begins. Ohhh the carbonation. MMMMMMMMM the taste.

So you can imagine how much I wanted to murder our intern yesterday when she opened a fucking Bart's Root Beer. The rest of the day I did nothing but snap at her because it was her fault for not giving up soda. Rude.

The worst part of the whole thing is staring into my work fridge and seeing all the soda. Caffeine free Diet Coke, regular Diet Coke, Coke, Sprite, Root Beer, Dr. Pepper, Diet Dr. Pepper. Grape soda for crying out loud.

In other news, yesterday I did 20 minutes of cardio (including a gluteal workout on the elliptical) and a 30 minute weight workout complete with squats, chest presses, lunges, bicep curls, crunches, planks, tricep dips and calf raises. I am fucking feeling it today.

How was your Wednesday? Did you give up anything for Lent?