Conversations with my friends

I have a buddy back home in Jersey, we'll call him.... VM... and he likes to tease me. Mainly because after 70s Throwback and I self imploded he stumbled upon my drunken, crying mess of a self and had to spend an evening calming me down. I see him about twice a year (this year will be 4 times, a record) and we drink a couple of times and then text a few times between visits. Tonight, we were texting about a fb convo that occured earlier.

Me: I'm sorry my decision to remain single in Vegas disappoints yo. I'll look at doing it when I go for Cinco de Mayo.
VM: Well, you'll have to marry a Mexican, then.
Me: Ummm not my type. We can discuss when I come to town for Christmas.
VM: Well I'm guessing your type is somewhere between 70s Throwback and your now ex boyfriend. I'll keep an eye out.

My friends are such dicks. Just stick that knife in real hard and turn it while you're at it. Also, throw some salt on it:

Me: Haha asshole. I hate you.
VM: Haha. So when you coming home?
Me: Devember 26th to January 3rd. I hear you'll have a new roommate who is my type by then.
VM: Nice. Yeah, so I guess I'll be seeing you a lot then, huh?
Me: Haha idk about that. Rather presumptuous of you to assume so.
VM: So we're not hanging out?

Clearly, rereads the commentary because a few minutes later I get this:

VM: I wasn't assuming you and 70s throwback. What's on your mind....?
Me: Haha you just brought him up so I guess I thought you were going there.
VM: Hahahaha maybe I was.
Me: Jerk. Uncalled for. No more Jersey guys for me. We can still hang out though.
VM: You brought it on yourself.

Gosh, VM I had no clue my dating decisions were made by me and should automatically bring pain or discomfort upon myself. Asshole. I am aware I "brought it upon myself" as you so eloquently put it.

I then evened it out with the following exchange:

Me: How's your love life these days?
VM: I guess it is your turn to be a jerk, huh?
Me: Oh it's all fun and games to poke at me but when I out the spotlight on you it isn't funny anymore?

Don't fuck with me people. I will do everything to make you as uncomfortable as me. Misery loves company and all that bull shit.

Conversations with my boyfriend Part II

I get a lot of questions about having a boyfriend. For instance, how on earth did you get one? Well, that is a mystery to me, too. The funny thing is he tried to ask me to be his girlfriend one time and I changed the subject. "How bout that Phillies game last night?" I'm sure he really appreciated it but also kind of expected it when I tried to tell him to end it before it began. So imagine my surprise when I suddenly had a facebook official relationship status going on in my life. Without AWKWARD MOMENT #2 this would not have happened as an FYI.

Him: I need more hangers.
Me: Ummmmm why?
Him: Because I started unpacking shit from Florida and there is nice stuff that needs to be on a hanger.
Me: Idk why you did that. You just have to pack it back up when you move in to be with me.
Him: It was trash bags. And plus you're moving to Nashville with me if the show doesn't get picked up so you can support this unemployed actor.
Me: What? I signed a new lease last week.
Him: Then we both need this show to get picked up.
Me: No we don't. I would never see you.
Him: You would be on the road with me.
Me: Oh you'd take me with you? That is so sweet.
Me: How would you explain me to the production crew?
Him: I'll say it's complicated. Haha.
Me: Ha then I'm not traveling with you. Have fun.
Him: Well then tell me how to describe us.
Me: Ha. Idk but I'm not being it's complicated.
Him: Well you make the decision on what we are.
Me: Why am I making the decision?
Me: Are we really making a decision about us on text? Haha.
Him: Because I want you to.
Him: Hahaha yup.
Me: This is ridiculous.
Me: I cannot make this decision for us.
Him: Why not? I support your decision.
Me: Is this some kind of trick?
Him: I don't play games.
Me: This is a game!
Him: Nope.
Him: What would you call us?
Me: Right now? Idk. I mean if you took someone else home I'd be upset. And I'm not interested in seeing anyone else.
Him: I feel the same way. So we're dating.
Me: It would seem so.
Him: Well, good for us.

And this is how my boyfriend tricked me into dating him. I walked right into the damn trap.

Conversations with my boyfriend...

So weird to say it- I have a boyfriend. And you're thinking to yourself, who the hell would admit to dating this crazy-ass chick. Let me tell you he is a nut job himself. Someone ought to commit him to an institution for even thinking he wants to date me. But he does, in fact, he insists. And I thought this text convo today perfectly conveys how this is going to work:

Me: OMG we cannot have sex.
Him: And why is this?
Me: Well now I know how to get an immediate response from you.
Me: I CANNOT be eskimo sister with that girl L.
Him: I'm sitting on the couch watching tv. And there is no such thing as Eskimo sisters just brothers plus if she slept with 70s throwback you would be anyway.
Me: 1. Fuck you. I'm working. 2. Yes, there is such a thing. Might have a different name but it exists. 3. She hasn't slept with the 70s throwback.
Him: But what if she did?
Me: That is a disgusting image. And I would have been there first so it isn't as bad.
Him: You're talking crazy talk right now.
Me: hahaha J brought it up. Cause we are eskimo sisters. Then we started running through the group and I had a panic attack.
Him: I'm going to yell at J.
Me: She's about to talk me out of BJs too.
Him: You should get back to work.

10 minutes later:
Me: Would you wear a mexican wrestling mask and speak spanish to me during sex if I asked you to?
Him: Sure.
Me: Hahahaah omg I am so out of control. J is not helping at all.
Him: I'm still down for it though.
Me: Hahaha idk if I could control my giggles but we should legit try.
Him: We're doing it.
Me: Omg I can't wait. You better prepare some sexy Spanish.
Him: Just the accent might be better. My spanish is more confused than sexy.

Yeah, I see why we're dating now.

A Whatever...in Puerto Rico

From Urban Dictionary.com:

Jevo

Puerto Rican Slang for "boyfriend". Jevos can also be considered some guy you're going out with but nothing official, a friends with benefits, or a fuck buddy. Depends on the situation and the person really as everyone has their own life style. Jevos are also boyfriends of whom you know you won't be with for a long time, aka a friend with benefits. Girl 1: "Oye nena, quien es ese?" (Hey gurl, who is that?) Girl 2: "Ah, es mi jevo" (Ah, he's my jevo) jeva novio jevio jevia jevo

Just bringing you the slang you need to take your hot ass international. You can thank me later.