Conversations with my friends

I have a buddy back home in Jersey, we'll call him.... VM... and he likes to tease me. Mainly because after 70s Throwback and I self imploded he stumbled upon my drunken, crying mess of a self and had to spend an evening calming me down. I see him about twice a year (this year will be 4 times, a record) and we drink a couple of times and then text a few times between visits. Tonight, we were texting about a fb convo that occured earlier.

Me: I'm sorry my decision to remain single in Vegas disappoints yo. I'll look at doing it when I go for Cinco de Mayo.
VM: Well, you'll have to marry a Mexican, then.
Me: Ummm not my type. We can discuss when I come to town for Christmas.
VM: Well I'm guessing your type is somewhere between 70s Throwback and your now ex boyfriend. I'll keep an eye out.

My friends are such dicks. Just stick that knife in real hard and turn it while you're at it. Also, throw some salt on it:

Me: Haha asshole. I hate you.
VM: Haha. So when you coming home?
Me: Devember 26th to January 3rd. I hear you'll have a new roommate who is my type by then.
VM: Nice. Yeah, so I guess I'll be seeing you a lot then, huh?
Me: Haha idk about that. Rather presumptuous of you to assume so.
VM: So we're not hanging out?

Clearly, rereads the commentary because a few minutes later I get this:

VM: I wasn't assuming you and 70s throwback. What's on your mind....?
Me: Haha you just brought him up so I guess I thought you were going there.
VM: Hahahaha maybe I was.
Me: Jerk. Uncalled for. No more Jersey guys for me. We can still hang out though.
VM: You brought it on yourself.

Gosh, VM I had no clue my dating decisions were made by me and should automatically bring pain or discomfort upon myself. Asshole. I am aware I "brought it upon myself" as you so eloquently put it.

I then evened it out with the following exchange:

Me: How's your love life these days?
VM: I guess it is your turn to be a jerk, huh?
Me: Oh it's all fun and games to poke at me but when I out the spotlight on you it isn't funny anymore?

Don't fuck with me people. I will do everything to make you as uncomfortable as me. Misery loves company and all that bull shit.

Conversations with my friends

A: Game of choices: choose one to marry, one to fuck, and one to kill... Tebow, Spurrier, and Muschamp.

Me: Fuck Tebow. Marry Muschamp. Kill Spurrier.

A: Ha! I love it! We were playing the game and I figured you would have insight.

Me: Ha well I want to take Tebow's virginity (doggie style of course),Muschamp went to UGA so I can train him to bend to my will and Spurrier is just a douche.

Conversations with my Personal Trainer

My personal trainer is the shit. In two months I went from 189 to 164. And I'm holding steady now mainly because I hurt my ankle which has made running impossible. Yesterday, my trainer and I met at Retro Fitness for a 30 minute session.

Trainer: So what have you eaten today.
Me: Candy.
Trainer: What?
Me: Candy. Are you deaf?
Trainer: How much?
Me: One Reese's Peanut Butter cup and a box of nerds.
Trainer: A whole box of nerds?
Me: A mini box. For Halloween. You know none of those bastard children came by my place so now I have tons of candy. Good shit too. None of that crap old peopel try to pass off as candy worth a shit.
Trainer: That's all you've eaten today?
Me: Eggs. And a sandwich. It was delicious. And by delicious I mean boring.
Trainer: No mayo.
Me: No mayo.
Trainer: Good. No more candy.
Me: It cost 10 bucks. So either the Mexicans down the street need to come trick or treating or you need to give me $10 not to eat it.
Trainer: I will not fall for this trick.

I promptly went home and had two boxes of nerds, sweet tarts and some kit kats. Fuck my trainer. I'm getting my money's worth.

Conversations With My 70s Throwback

Yes, we were whatevers. Now he is like my best friend. Probably not the best choice in friends I have ever made but whatever. Occassionally, I get some super sweet gems of conversations. See below:

Me: Haha I hate meatloaf.
Him: Ha yeah, I understand that. Most people don't like it.
Me: Haha good thing you and I didn't work out or I wouldn't be able to eat half of what you make haha
Him: Haha well that would just leave more for me.
Me: Haha good point. Make sure you find a girl who doesn't like your cooking and lets you use her ass as a plate.
Him: Yeah that is a must for sure.
Me: Hahaha omg I want to write you a personal ad.
Him: That would be a very interesting personal ad.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm ridiculous.

Conversations with my Friends

I love the see friendship setting on facebook. It is almost as good as going back and reading my texts from last night. I have no idea what this was in reference to because I black out most nights but it is worth trying to figure out:

Me: I walked out of the bedroom and your almost empty glass of wine was on my bar. Don't worry I drained that shit when I took my vitamins. No drink left behind.
C: Just a sip of wine helps the vitamins go down...they work better that way.
Me: The adult version of a spoonful of sugar?
C: Oh yeah...I sing it every morning...except on the weekends.

No clue. But I need to start talking my vitamins with my booze again. That shit was legit.

Conversations with my boyfriend...

So weird to say it- I have a boyfriend. And you're thinking to yourself, who the hell would admit to dating this crazy-ass chick. Let me tell you he is a nut job himself. Someone ought to commit him to an institution for even thinking he wants to date me. But he does, in fact, he insists. And I thought this text convo today perfectly conveys how this is going to work:

Me: OMG we cannot have sex.
Him: And why is this?
Me: Well now I know how to get an immediate response from you.
Me: I CANNOT be eskimo sister with that girl L.
Him: I'm sitting on the couch watching tv. And there is no such thing as Eskimo sisters just brothers plus if she slept with 70s throwback you would be anyway.
Me: 1. Fuck you. I'm working. 2. Yes, there is such a thing. Might have a different name but it exists. 3. She hasn't slept with the 70s throwback.
Him: But what if she did?
Me: That is a disgusting image. And I would have been there first so it isn't as bad.
Him: You're talking crazy talk right now.
Me: hahaha J brought it up. Cause we are eskimo sisters. Then we started running through the group and I had a panic attack.
Him: I'm going to yell at J.
Me: She's about to talk me out of BJs too.
Him: You should get back to work.

10 minutes later:
Me: Would you wear a mexican wrestling mask and speak spanish to me during sex if I asked you to?
Him: Sure.
Me: Hahahaah omg I am so out of control. J is not helping at all.
Him: I'm still down for it though.
Me: Hahaha idk if I could control my giggles but we should legit try.
Him: We're doing it.
Me: Omg I can't wait. You better prepare some sexy Spanish.
Him: Just the accent might be better. My spanish is more confused than sexy.

Yeah, I see why we're dating now.