Conversations with my friends

A: Game of choices: choose one to marry, one to fuck, and one to kill... Tebow, Spurrier, and Muschamp.

Me: Fuck Tebow. Marry Muschamp. Kill Spurrier.

A: Ha! I love it! We were playing the game and I figured you would have insight.

Me: Ha well I want to take Tebow's virginity (doggie style of course),Muschamp went to UGA so I can train him to bend to my will and Spurrier is just a douche.

Life in Shambles Takes the Wonderlic!

So, as my loyal 10 or so readers know, I am currently on the job hunt (if you are in the Atlanta area and stumble upon this blog and are hiring- well, if you're goal is to get a slightly overweight but mildly attractive girl who likes to party, talk shit, write, read and general entertain the masses...well, I'm that girl. Call me). The latest place to interview me called me in for a job and bluntly told me:

You are not qualified for the job on that piece of paper. In no way. At all.

She brought me in as a favor to a friend of ours and I appreciated her honesty. Honestly. Then I got an email from her with a link to take the Wonderlic and was confused. But I took it. On a Friday. After 8+ hours of work. So, I'm thinking the score wasn't too great.

What's the Wonderlic?

Well, its an exam of 50 questions. The amount of time alotted to take it varies from 8 minutes to 12 minutes and it measures your ability to learn. I'm here to tell you the questions are fucking EASY but...and it's a BIG BUT (as opposed to BUTT) the fact that you have a limited amount of time to take it makes it seem harder than it is. In fact, it's kind of stressful. So it also kind of tests your ability to work under pressure.

Sample questions include:

You bought 8 pens for $2.50. How much would 2 dozen cost you?

Which of these words don't belong with the other: cat dog frog turtle tree (okay, I made that one up but you get my point)

Which of these groups don't have a pair within them?

01234 01234

45678 45678

9123 9123

45687 46587

25896 258696

According to Wikipedia (which I only trust about 40% of the time but whatever) 20 is the average score for intelligence. The score is calculated by the number of correct answers given in the alloted time. Wiki says its a 12 minute test but I'm here to tell you that I was given 8 minutes so clearly there are different versions. The test questions go back and forth between math and language so that you are constantly switching gears.

My goal in taking this test (aside from impressing the hiring manager) was to beat Tim Tebow and his score of 22. If I was dumber than him...well, I'd have to kill myself. Ideally, I wanted to score better than Matt Stafford and his 38. The woman didn't give me my score but she did mention my cognitive skills were impressive so I must have done well despite only answering a little over half the questions. The problem was for every math question, I was writing out the formulas and then checking my work (I'm terrible at math and they say no calculators. I'm not cheater y'all). Journalists typically make a 26 on the test so I'm hoping I was at least that, if not higher. The word IMPRESSIVE makes me think higher but you never know.

If you are thinking you may have to take the Wonderlic in the future, check out this site for some practice. Wish I had thought of that before I took it.

Life In Shambles is Depressed

13 days into September and the month already sucks ass. I am depressed after an embarrassing loss to South Carolina by my beloved Dawgs (who admittedly fought hard and showed signs of a great team to come), a fruitless job search, a frustrating ordeal with my company and bombing a Wonderlic test (I am fairly certain even Tim Tebow scored higher). I am in the throes of the quarter life crisis. And I'm clearly late to that as well as the its time to grow the fuck up party.

The job search really has me incredibly stressed out and the current job is not helping that situation. I'm starting to feel a do or die pressure to get the next job but I'm not sure what that job should be. I've had offers of help and some have panned out into things like resume critiques and introductions (and I'm incredibly grateful for each of those- seriously.). But really I have not gotten a step closer to figuring out what is next. Somebody told me to do what I love and the money will follow. Well, when you're in debt and you've got to pay the bills you don't always have that luxury. Sometimes you have to take something shitty just to stay afloat. I'd like to get out of debt but again with my current job situation and the stress and issues they are having with my checks I'm back up to maxed out credit cards again.

And just when I think a light might be at the end of the tunnel...well, it turns out it was a candle and the asshole who got to the end of the tunnel blew it out first.

This job search thing is depressing. Maybe I shouldn't let it get to me but being told I should abandon the professional ranks really rattled me. Add to that the utter ridiculous showing on the wonderlic and the stupid personality test that followed for the most recent interview and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I feel fat, tired, stupid, ugly, unprofessional, lazy and have started questioning every decision I've made since the first time my mother let me pick out my own outift (which coincidentally included every article of clothing I owned. Clearly I have a decision-making problem). I literally am kicking myself while I'm down. In a mental sense.

I know I'm not the only one who is (or has gone) going through this right now but let's be honest, when someone says that to you is it of any comfort? Cause to me, it's not. That does not help me solve my immediate problem. And that saying that misery loves company is only true in the sense that you would prefer not to be jealous of all your friends' awesomeness.

Mini-meltdown complete.

Friday the 13th say what!?!?!

Bullet format because complete sentences are for sissys. Kidding people, KID.DING.

• The internet and phone should be in working order when I get home. Thanks AT&T. Who literally arrived at my apt at 9:10 am and called me to let them through the gate. At 9:16 am they called to tell me everything is hooked up. So if fed ex delivers my modem, WE. ARE. SET. ALL SYSTEMS GO.
• I got the nicest email last night from a girl named Courtney. She has her own blog and is running with TNT. I added her to my charity page so if you are looking for someone to donate to, hit her or anyone else on that page up. They are working hard for the money, baby!
• Went to the gym today and did a cardio circuit. It is HARD to get up at 4:30 am and drive THIRTY minutes to Gold's Gym. But worth it to see my Gym Crush. Coincidentally we were both on vacay the same week so we're both struggling this week.
• Tim Tebow and the hyperbaric chamber. Thanks TMZ for breaking that story. I hate the guy. Sorry Florida fans but he makes me want to VOMIT. Also, how can a college athlete afford a hyperbaric chamber (retail at $20,000). And even if the story about renting it is true, I imagine that shit ain't cheap either. WTF?!?! Also, can my gym install one of these? I'll pay extra!
• LLWS. I don't know how many of you like baseball but I love the shit. Especially watching little kids who play because they LIKE it or they have TALENT. Say what you want about the Jersey Shore, but Toms River is the SHIT. Their teams are so good that Dover Township petitioned to rename the city after Toms River area because people around the country KNOW Tom's River. In 1998 they beat JAPAN. An entire country was beat by this town's little league team. HOLY CRAP I WISH I HAD BEEN THAT TALENTED. If you're bumming around, tune into ESPN today at 11 to watch them kick ass again (now that I said that, they'll lose).
• UGA Football. Needs to start NOW. I'm ready for it.
• Last but not least, this month will be a tough one as I have a bachelorette party this weekend, an engagement party next weekend and a wedding the following weekend. I'm about to gain 10 lbs in booze.

Did Hell Freeze Over or Did Tebow Go in The First Round?

I think, despite the low number of posts involving him, I’ve made my dislike to Tim Tebow pretty apparent. While I would say 20% of the dislike stems from the fact that he was and always will be a Florida Gator. As a Bulldog fan, I have been trained to dislike anything Florida upon learning of the association. In fact, I once named a pesky roach after Urban Meyer after their douchebag coach. The hatred has spread to South Carolina simply due to the fact that they hired that asshat (assvisor?) Head Ball Coach who apparently is giving himself more of a workout than his players so he can be harder on them thus driving them to success. Dude, let it go, they are the gamecocks for God’s sake.

Anyway, back to Tebow. Yesterday there was some chatter on facebook, specifically my friend Chris’ page about Tebow and the draft. Involving references to tears and eye black and general ridiculousness that surrounds him and including my very own, on the fly, Tebow drinking game. I was wondering the other day when the hell Jesus is planning on gracing us with his presence (third times the charm?) and how bad things will have to be for this to happen. Then I realized Tim Tebow IS Jesus. I mean things are pretty bad in the world right now and here’s Timmy boy giving small boys something to hope for by snipping at their manhood, making anti-abortion ads in which he divebombs his own Mother (shit, what is her name- Mary? Nope Pam) and, oh yeah, parting the red sea of football with his half-assed arm. I know, blasphemy you are thinking but whatever. My life is in shambles, I think it’s safe to say I have a long wait at the pearly gates so I might as well enjoy what I’m saying down here. What if Tim Tebow is our savior in a modern day sense? Suicide is frowned upon in Catholicism but if I have to drink Saint Timmy blood and eat his bread…whoa boy. I won’t make it.

Enough about Jesus. Another miracle (whoops) occurred last night in a sense that Timmy boy went in the first round. I had boldly predicted there might finally be some justice in this world and he’d go in the third round but NOOOO…Saint Timmy must have circumcised some extra boys and asked God for a favor while he had his ear because Denver used the 25th pick to snap up the former Florida Gator. Or perhaps, Denver knew they were his only option considering his Wonderlic score proved he doesn’t learn new things quickly so he needs a team with the same color scheme or he’s doomed for failure. Way to take one for the NFL Denver. Poor Knowshon. Luckily he’s a class act and will probably have nothing but accolades to heap upon his new teammate. I on the otherhand will be praying for Timmy’s mortality to be revealed so ESPN can find a new GREATEST COLLEGE PLAYER OF ALL TIME. With my luck, Denver will make use of him or he’ll be praised for making the team more cohesive and doing a bang up job holding a clipboard (“Do you see the way he wears those headphones? With authority. This team would be lost without him!” exclaims Joe Buck as he stares into Troy Aikman’s eyes). Jesus being his homeboy, they probably win the Superbowl, too.

Vomit.

Football Friday

Dear ESPN,

I am taking time out of my extremely busy schedule of stuffing envelopes, printing files and data entry to write you a letter expressing my concern over your programming decisions- specifically those of your assignments editor. I know this may come as a shock to you and your employees but outside of Bristol, Connecticut and Gainseville, FL we do not give a flying fuck about the second coming of Christ known commonly here on earth as Tim Tebow.

Now, I don't want to wake up to Tim Tebow in any way shape or form. Any day, time or place. But it is especially frustrating that I have to wake up to Saint Tim at 5 am while getting my work out on. Don't you think I'm pissed enough that I am up at that ungodly hour working my ass off to fit in my pants? If you are going to continue your banal blather extolling the virtues of an overrated douchebag (actually his douchebaggary is not overrated...just everything else about him) then I suggest you cease showing Sports Center on repeat from 11 pm to 7 am every damn day. Imagine the horror if you left your TV on and woke up in the middle of the night to see the goofy mug of Saint Tim on your TV screan. Scarred for life I tell you.

I know ESPN has been Saint Timmy's biggest cheerleader and why not? His image is so good for football fodder: home schooled boy with natural talent signs up for football team at local high school, goes on to the University of Florida and behind a talented team helmed a journey to both a Heisman trophy and a National Championship. All while promoting a vision of God and greatness. He is the perfect football idol for small children.

Except, that in your unabashed 24/7 promoting of him even when he's not playing we've all grown SICK OF HIM. His name literally makes me want to vomit...EVERYWHERE. I curse viciously. Instead of being impressed by his talent, I find myself laughing with glee when he stumbles. Actively searching for stories about his shortcomings. It's hard to feign interest in someone who has overtaken the very sport he plays. And the constant comparisons to other players...BLEH. Greatest player ever? He hasn't even tried his hand at pro football. And let's just say, the boys you tend to fawn over in college ain't doing so grand in the pros currently. They haven't really blown up like you predicted.

The guy got a 22 on the Wunderlic test for fuck's sake. He's had to change his throwing motion before even attending the combine. What he's good at is drawing a crowd so the Buffalo bills might want to hit that up quick like. The funniest thing to me is scanning the media stories about him. Check out the comments: if Tebow is football's most popular player and should be brought to NYC for the draft so he can be on TV why is he so hated on the message boards. If people love him so much, why is he so ridiculed. Why are there drinking games MAKING FUN OF THE MEDIA'S PORTRAYAL OF HIM?

For Tim Tebow's sake (and my reflux) step it down a notch. I don't need to hear about Tim Tebow during March Madness, or NASCAR, or anything else. Until he proves himself at the next level, let's dial down your adoration a notch. The draft is coming up and you've spent more time on someone who may not even get picked until Sunday over guys who have really stepped up their game and will be first-rounders. It's utterly ridiculous. And no amount of your preaching is going to make me like the guy more.

Sincerely,

Berryfine

PS. I thought about putting facts and figures and shit in here but there are people who don't watch football who read this crap so I thought maybe I'd cut that out.

PPS. Same goes for Tiger. Seriously. He fucked up, he likes sex, he's kind of a dick and he's great at his sport. We get it.

Monday Musings

• I added a new blogger to the site. I don't know why since I only have two public readers and she is one of them. But one day when this site takes off, she'll be so grateful for the opportunity I provided her. Or not. But whatever.
• I'm reading Google Blogger for Dummies. Hopefully, this improves the quality of the site. But probably not.
• My friend Kyle got me a Table Topics gift for my birthday. Why am I bringing this up now? Well, he just gave it to me last night. Hellooooo, belated. But then, I have been pretty MIA with that group of friends lately. Anyway, it would be great for when I have people over but I’m thinking of drawing one card a week or whenever I feel like it and blogging the responses. Then you will REALLLLLYYYYY get to know how boring I am. Thoughts?
• Tim Tebow commercial. Thoughts? When it came on last night, everyone rushed to the table to grab more food because we thought it would be some commercial no one gave a shit about. Imagine our surprise when Saint Timmy tackled his mom. Had I not been wedged between the wall and the couch with no ability to move, I would have missed it. As it was, I had tuned out whatever his mom said. So her pro-life commercial turned into a pro-abortion commercial with that dive bomb. I mean why raise a kid if he’s just going to tackle you on television?
• I am feeling particularly blank today. Empty almost.
• Where the hell was Miller Lite last night? Am I the only one who noticed they had ZERO commercials? Or maybe I just missed them… Bud Light and Doritos single handedly funded the Super Bowl broadcast with their commercials. And they were the best.
• While we are on the subject of super bowl ads… there is a new e*trade baby in town and I do not like him. At all. ANNND godaddy.com needs to hire a new marketing/ad firm stat. Does anyone ever actually go to the site to see the girls? As my friend Alex put it last night, “Unless I’m seeing some nipple, it’s not worth my time.”
• When someone emails me that they just got back from church or are reading proverbs I want to immediately say something that will send me straight to hell. It’s like I’m trying to balance out their goodness with my evilness.
• This. I want to do this. Except to the industrial scanner in my office that thinks it’s funny to claim I have misfed the paper randomly and intermittently while I’m trying to send people their work. 500 pages of work should not take an hour to scan to email.
• Dear body, when I overindulge on the weekends you will be properly punished on Monday. As in, you can complain about how hungry you are all you want but I’m not putting anything in you. Except water. A banana. And oatmeal. And I will workout for 3 hours. You should really have a conversation with the alcoholic side of me and find out how to remedy this.
• I wish someone would buy me everything on the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia website. And the UGA Playbook which should be coming out this summer. I’d like to outfit my home.
• I lied. I just drank decaf coffee. Strangely, my hunger pangs are gone. New diet?
  With insurance companies, a doctor’s office may bill $21,000 worth of services. $12,000 of it ends up written off and the insurance company pays out $9,000. I don’t understand the math of that. Apparently, insurance companies only ALLOW you to bill so much per service and then has the right to say of that service how much they will pay. I work with insurance and I still don’t get it. No wonder obama wants to change it.
• I don't know why I think you would care about the above bullet. But I'm too lazy to delete it.
• Getting your shit together is an overwhelming task. I don’t even know where to start taking baby steps.
• Why does my blackberry think that curse words are just misspelled? They aren’t. I fucking like them and wish you would stop making me ignore the dashed lines below them. I know what the hell I’m writing and I’m okay with it. Damnit.
• I want chocolate.....in my mouth....NOW.