Football Friday

Dear ESPN,

I am taking time out of my extremely busy schedule of stuffing envelopes, printing files and data entry to write you a letter expressing my concern over your programming decisions- specifically those of your assignments editor. I know this may come as a shock to you and your employees but outside of Bristol, Connecticut and Gainseville, FL we do not give a flying fuck about the second coming of Christ known commonly here on earth as Tim Tebow.

Now, I don't want to wake up to Tim Tebow in any way shape or form. Any day, time or place. But it is especially frustrating that I have to wake up to Saint Tim at 5 am while getting my work out on. Don't you think I'm pissed enough that I am up at that ungodly hour working my ass off to fit in my pants? If you are going to continue your banal blather extolling the virtues of an overrated douchebag (actually his douchebaggary is not overrated...just everything else about him) then I suggest you cease showing Sports Center on repeat from 11 pm to 7 am every damn day. Imagine the horror if you left your TV on and woke up in the middle of the night to see the goofy mug of Saint Tim on your TV screan. Scarred for life I tell you.

I know ESPN has been Saint Timmy's biggest cheerleader and why not? His image is so good for football fodder: home schooled boy with natural talent signs up for football team at local high school, goes on to the University of Florida and behind a talented team helmed a journey to both a Heisman trophy and a National Championship. All while promoting a vision of God and greatness. He is the perfect football idol for small children.

Except, that in your unabashed 24/7 promoting of him even when he's not playing we've all grown SICK OF HIM. His name literally makes me want to vomit...EVERYWHERE. I curse viciously. Instead of being impressed by his talent, I find myself laughing with glee when he stumbles. Actively searching for stories about his shortcomings. It's hard to feign interest in someone who has overtaken the very sport he plays. And the constant comparisons to other players...BLEH. Greatest player ever? He hasn't even tried his hand at pro football. And let's just say, the boys you tend to fawn over in college ain't doing so grand in the pros currently. They haven't really blown up like you predicted.

The guy got a 22 on the Wunderlic test for fuck's sake. He's had to change his throwing motion before even attending the combine. What he's good at is drawing a crowd so the Buffalo bills might want to hit that up quick like. The funniest thing to me is scanning the media stories about him. Check out the comments: if Tebow is football's most popular player and should be brought to NYC for the draft so he can be on TV why is he so hated on the message boards. If people love him so much, why is he so ridiculed. Why are there drinking games MAKING FUN OF THE MEDIA'S PORTRAYAL OF HIM?

For Tim Tebow's sake (and my reflux) step it down a notch. I don't need to hear about Tim Tebow during March Madness, or NASCAR, or anything else. Until he proves himself at the next level, let's dial down your adoration a notch. The draft is coming up and you've spent more time on someone who may not even get picked until Sunday over guys who have really stepped up their game and will be first-rounders. It's utterly ridiculous. And no amount of your preaching is going to make me like the guy more.

Sincerely,

Berryfine

PS. I thought about putting facts and figures and shit in here but there are people who don't watch football who read this crap so I thought maybe I'd cut that out.

PPS. Same goes for Tiger. Seriously. He fucked up, he likes sex, he's kind of a dick and he's great at his sport. We get it.