Who Works Out At 5 AM?

I wake up at 4:50 am Monday through Friday and hit the gym for cardio. Travis, the guy who works the desk and makes my delicious smoothie every day, calls into question my sanity because I’d rather hit the gym in the morning than sleep in. For me, personally, I will slack off as the day goes on. I am definitely a morning person- in college I always woke up the day a paper was due and banged it out in a few short hours before class rather than pulling an all nighter. As the day progresses, my speed at data entry declines, my focus strays and I grow incredibly tired. Whether I sleep in or not these things occur. Therefore, to ensure that I get my gym time in, I have spent 2010 going in the morning. And I am not alone, obviously, or this post would not be written. The fact is, a wide spectrum of people are at the gym at the same time as I am and I’ve been studying them while on the treadmill.

The Silver Sneakers: This is actually the name of a class at Gold’s Gym as well but I think it is appropriate for several of the old timers that come in at 5 am to lift weights. Some get there even earlier. It makes perfect sense to me since often times you can find my grandparents up and at ‘em with their Dunkin’ Donuts coffee at 3 am. At 5 am, it’s all men hitting the weight machines and their attire leaves much to be desired in that it most definitely does not cover enough. I have never seen spandex so tight sag so much but it is possible. The shuffle from one machine to the next and put 10 lbs on and then breathe heavily while spending 30 minutes doing about 10 reps. But hey, they are out there so I give them props.

The Rooster: There is one guy at my gym who has got to be about 60. He wears all black- black bike shorts, black tank top, black socks and black shoes which makes his shock of white hair all the more…shocking. He preens around the gym in between sets on each machine, puffing his chest out and pretending not to look around to see who is watching. He thinks he is hot shit (especially for his age) but his paunch says otherwise.

The Couple that Sweats Together… : God, help me if I ever attend the gym with my future (currently nonexistent) boyfriend. The couples that show up and sweat together are frankly disgusting. Does a mini-makeout sesh help increase strength? Is there some study I don’t know about indicating this? And for the love of god, I do not want to hear your discussion of yard work through the music blaring in my headphones so turn down your exclamations ending with baby!

The Hottie: My gym crush is HOT. No doubt about it. I don’t care what he says, or does or wears or anything because he is so attractive and I could sit and watch him do pullups for hours. Talk about some motivation. And he works hard to look that good- GTL Baby.

The Nottie: Yes, I just quoted a Paris Hilton movie. I know, I am ridiculous. I absolutely cannot figure out why or how my hottie is friends with this guy. First off, he is a Clemson fan and I have an immediate distrust for anyone wearing orange. He is the absolute antithesis of my crush- pale, not built at all and quiet. Plus, he doesn’t work all that hard despite having a trainer to the trainers. He's there to be seen.

The I Don’t Know About Boundaries Guys: What the fuck is up with people getting on the machine immediately next to me? There are 100+ machines in the gym for cardio and about 5 of us using them. Trust me when I say 10 of them can see ESPN as well as the machine I am on. And I can see you staring at my ass in the mirror, you jerk.

The Flirts: Who goes to the gym to pick up ladies? These guys who workout with said trainer to the trainers are constantly hitting on me. Overtly. Not even in passing. They just walk right up to the machine I am on while I am sweating and start telling me not to lose too much weight and leering at various body parts exposed by my attire. They make me feel incredibly dirty and I’m not sure how to brush them off. No matter what I do, every day (unless I manage to get to the locker room before they arrive) the hunt me down and shamelessly use embarrassing pick up lines.

The Sexpot: HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GIRL LOOK ATTRACTIVE WHILE WORKING OUT? And bitch works out. She lifts weights for 30 minutes and then hits the treadmill for 30 minutes at about 7 mph. And looks good doing it. I swear, she doesn’t wear a drop of make up. She has legs and an ass I envy and arms I would quite frankly kill for. I just want to run her under armored add over with my car. I look like a pig when I work out and she looks like a tigress. Life. Is. So. Unfair.

What about you? Any funny or great people at your gym? I’d love to hear I am not alone in my gym rat people watching!