Berryfine's Reasons Why Not

Anyone remember that show Emily's Reasons Why Not? Yeah, me neither. Sorry, Heather Graham. But I did read the book it was based on and I thought of it today when my boss and I were talking about wedding announcements.

Boss: Are you excited for your trip to Vegas?
Berryfine: Well, if I actually get there and have any money when I get there then YES! Speaking of which the couple's wedding announcement is in the paper today. [I show it to her]
Boss: Oh, I love the picture.
Berryfine: The announcements are so boring though. It's like they exist simply so people's grandparents and parents can be mentioned in 8 pt font. [Boss laughs] Unless you're famous. Then they tell the story of how you met...

I launch into this story I found while stalking one of my one night stands via facebook which just made me realize...FUCK...he's not on the list so my number is actually 13. God. Damnit. WTF. So I guess I'll be amending that list soon. Anyway, read the story but the gist is this couple just kept missing each other and then timing and blah blah blah. Which lead to my boss saying this:

The man you are going to marry could be right under your nose!

To which, I responded without hesitation:

Good Lord! I hope not!

Which lead me to ponder why these guys wouldn't work out....sooo, here you go, for your enjoyment:

1. The First: Ummm, short or long version? Basically, the kid is a fuck up. Seriously, straight out of Rome, GA with the common sense of an ant (which is actually kind of an insult to the ant). Incredibly smart but ADHD and with no sense of right or wrong in that it applies to him, The First and I were way too volatile. You know how they say sometimes love isn't enough? Well, in this case love drove us both absolutely crazy. We literally brought out the worst in each other (not to mention we were straight off Jerry Springer). But the sex was great. If I could get past my mental qualms I'd probably go back for seconds. That and he'd have to lose some weight.
2. The Bartender: Monogamy occurred with Tony and my friend Krista. Who I hooked up after he and I finished having sex. I wanted a relationship, he needed a distraction from the break up. And now we are friends.
3. Spring Break Guy: Well, obviously, I have no clue what this guy's name is so that is problem number one. Number two would be that he had a girlfriend back home waiting on him to finish banging me in a bathroom. I know, epitome of class right here.
4. Dr. Pothead: Good Lord, ask my friend Shannon, this has got to be the biggest dick my vagina has ever encountered. I'm not sure my vagina could handle it. Not to mention he is super smart but kind of a space cadet due to massive quantities of weed inhaled.
5. TrueLove: Ohhhh TrueLove. He was the kind of guy who would throw you into a wall in public and just make out. With your entire face. And he has ex-girlfriend issues.
6. Penis Nano: I call him penis nano for a reason.
7. The Whatever: Well...we're best friends now. Everyone has a one that got away. This is that guy. He's bought a house with his current girlfriend so I'm sure marriage is on the horizon.
8. Lucky Charms: I used to joke this guy had lucky charms in his pants. It's not a joke. And I'm pretty sure this is the second and hopefully last guy Krista and I have both slept with.
9. The Spring Fling: Well, Matt was needy. Christ, we slept together on the beach on spring break and when we got back to school one time. He followed me around like a puppy. Which is nice on days you feel fat but on other days it is just obnoxious. If only I could take him out like a toy and play with him.
10. The Marine: Married. That would be a problem. And he had this obsession with not finishing during sex but waiting until after I fell asleep to go to the shower. WTF? Apparently, that less than one percent chance of pregnancy scared the fuck out of him but we both hated condoms. I'm sorry this will never work. And, as Vanessa can attest to, he was kind of dumb as a brick.
11. The Groomsman: My friend Brittany's fiance told me I could do better. On my birthday. Immediately prior to me ditching my friends to go get birthday sex with him. He is a great fuck buddy but lacks the common courtesy skills to be a boyfriend. Like, if something comes up and you aren't coming to pick them up, hello? CALL THEM. Jesus.
12. The Sleeper: Well, obviously, this guy will have sex anywhere and while I'm on the public places train I'm not okay with sex when other people are across the twin bed from me. Plus, we just met. Weirdo.
13. Batboy: Idk how I forgot this guy. I hiked home in the snow two miles to my friend Lexi's place after we had sex. The foreplay was great, the sex...so, so. All could be forgiven since he plays guitar except that he lives a fabulous life working for MLB, living in NYC and dating a gorgeous girl.

So, what are your dealbreakers? Could a guy you have already dated be the one? Would you be okay with that?