What Happens in Vegas...

For a good many people (I'd say 95% of the population) if you go to Vegas you do shit you don't want anyone knowing about. "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" is the cute little adage (unless you fuck a stripper. Then let's be honest, you came home with herpes if you are lucky). I would believe in this had I behaved in anyway dislike the way I behave here in Atlanta or visiting Athens, Gainesville, Macon, anywhere in New Jersey and NYC. The fact is, I'm a drunk lush who makes fucking stupid decisions and goes with them. Am I ashamed of them? Eh, I'd say 50% of the time, I am so I just ignore it, pretend it didn't happen and hey I'll talk to you 6 months down the line and everything will be fine. So far, this strategy is working for me. 60% of the time, it works EVERY time. No joke.

Any.Way.

I bring you, the things I learned in VegASS.

1. NYC is in no way deserving of the title of the City That Never Sleeps. I call bullshit on that one. Since I interned there for 2 years and spent massive amounts of my childhood going into the city, I can confidently state that it does, in fact, sleep. There are actually times you cannot get Chinese food. Vegas? Not so much. I'd say from Thursday to Monday, I got exactly 8 hours of sleep. Power naps we will call them.
2. On a related note, you can actually function on little to no sleep. With or without booze. Or naps. I did it. And even the day I spent 12 hours flying home, I managed to stay up all damn day and get 4 hours of sleep before heading to work on Tuesday.
3. Hangover? What fucking hangover? The minute you wake up you will drink. No problem.
4. $10 for a drink is cheap in Vegas. However, it will be well worth it when you taste your daiquiri and realize it is 100% iced booze with red food coloring. The drinks will knock you on your ass.
5. I am not a gambler. I lost my first dollar and was PISSED. Fuck you wheel of fortune slot! That was my laundry money right there and you just took it. At least when I blow it on booze, I get something out of the ordeal. This, I just got fucking blinking lights that were obviously enjoying the fact that I had no money.
6. Some people just don't know when to quit. Even if you are up $5, you are up $5! A beer can be had for $5. So if the entire night you've been losing and you are suddenly up, cash the fuck out.
7. The Venetian is really the way to go. I stayed in the smallest suite and at 700 square feet it is as big as my one bedroom apartment. I want to move in there. But, pack a blow dryer; they believe in phones and tvs in the bathroom but not a fucking blow dryer. Also, bathtub and shower sex- ideal at The Venetian. I wasn't so lucky but let's just say the room has plenty of surfaces for you to do so.
8. Gym shorts. Pack them ladies. I got hit on more in my gym shorts walking down the strip than in my hooker shoes and shiny dresses.
9. Weirdly enough, Hispanic men and women hand out cards for escorts. They slap them against their palms and wear BRIGHT NEON shirts and yell shit at you. And they are always going after the women which I don't understand. But it is Sin City so I suppose if you were going to go for a hot escort as a female you better do it there.
10. The beach clubs are not open right now and the pools close at 6. In April, each week they close an hour later. As some woman bitched at her waiter in her cabana, " The fucking sun is still up. Therefore you should still be open." They clearly did not agree.
11. Chicks- take a 5 minute walk down the strip. You will get passes to every club imaginable PLUS phone numbers that you can call the next time you are in town. Promoters ARE EVERYWHERE. And they will all bitch about every other club you might want to try.
12. Yes, you can walk around and drink. Yes, you can pound a beer in a cab.
13. The cab drivers are awesome. They will take you where you are going even if you don't have enough cash. Some even take cards.
14. Coming from the airport? Don't grab a taxi- they have to pay an extra tax and your charge will be about $30 bucks. Grab a shuttle. For 7 bucks and 100 stops, you can be at your hotel in an hour.
15. Strip Class. Sign up for it. Just for the experience. It was phenomenal. Check the website often because Kendra of Girls Next Door Fame often teaches them. Plus you get tickets to a male revue.
16. Find a bachelor party. Fun times and drinks will be had. ESPECIALLY, if you have a bride to be in the crowd. The list we had was INSANE.
17. Miracle Mile is where it is at.
18. The Palms was by far my fav. Its off the strip which sucks but it has Playboy and Ghost Bar which are two of the best clubs I went to. Playboy does model shoots there where you can try to be the face of the club for a month and score free drinks. The people watching is insane and the view of the Palms tower is AWESOME. Ghostbar has the glass balcony that has an incredible view of the city lights and straight down into the tower.
19. Clubs close at all different times. When one club closes, another is open. Also, don't make plans. Trust, you won't follow them. It's like you become ADD.
20. Time ceases to exist in Vegas. And if Vegas is a black hole, then O'Shea's is the very center of it all. My favorite casino on the strip despite being seedy and classless (or maybe because of). They boast 24 hr happy hour, $2 Miller Lites, beer pong, strip poker, $5 craps tables, big screen tvs, a food court and beer pong. Plus the crowd that comes through is amazing. And I spotted a midget dressed as a leprechaun running around. You cannot beat that! Oh, wait, yes you can, with $15 ginormous pomegranate margaritas in a glass you can take home. Bitch, please, I want to spend my days there and my nights at the Palms before crashing poolside at the Venetian.

There is so much more but this is getting so long I might have to break it into parts. Suffice to say, there is heaven on earth and it's Las Vegas.