Charles Harris 10K

So my friend Barbie convinced me to run my first 10K of 2010. We signed up for the Charles Harris 10K in Tucker, GA this past Saturday. I was kind of nervous about it considering I haven't run a race since September 2009 but Ward had me prepared with all the mileage I had run for CCFA. Plus, we met up with a dailymile friend, Anne! Wooo!

I woke up at 5:30 am to get myself ready (per usual, I slept in my race clothes) and went to pick Barbie up. I wore my Nike blue running tights, a brand new green Nike jacket and my LSU looking Mizuno running shoes. I had two sticks of Big Red (thanks to personal trainer Cassandra for that hint!), my iPod, a water bottle for before the race, and I was ready to go. I didn't have time to make a kick ass play list so I just went with an old cardio mix.

The race was very well organized minus my not getting a t-shirt that I was promised which I was pretty bummed about it. It was a navy blue tech shirt and I don't have enough tech shirts yet! The course was fast and Barbie was nice enough to say I could leave her if I wanted to which I promptly did. There were some rolling hills and mile 4 was a bitch to put it nicely. Thank god for the 2nd stick of gum. And the mile markers with clocks to tell me how I was pacing since I don't own a Garmin! My nike jacket kept me warm- almost too warm. I could have done without the long sleeved shirt despite the chilly 26 degree starting temperature. The sun was shining and the wind was mild. The last bit of the race was uphill which was a drag but I kept on trucking.

This is the first time I have not actually heard my iPod. I swear, I was so focused and mentally chanting to keep it up and not to stop and walk that I completely tuned the damn thing out. Of course, if I had not brought it, I would have been pissed. Maybe subconsciously I heard it but I was definitely not registering it. I felt absolutely great during the race. The positive attitude helped a TON. I'm typically a negative nancy because I like to be pleasantly surprised by the outcome but Saturday I was feeling "I could do it". I mean, really feeling it. It's the first time I have felt like I might actually run under 2 hours and 30 minutes for the 1/2 marathon. And the timing is perfect because the motivation from doing that great will keep me running.

My runners high lasted most of the day and into the night. I called my parents, I facebooked and tweeted how I did and even talked about it non stop at dinner. I was so pumped. I think the satisfaction was radiating off me because I got all kinds of comments about how great I looked that night and how inspiring my trek to lose weight and run another 1/2 has been! I'm definitely ready for my next race! According to the clock time, I crossed the finish line at 1:00:22 but I'm hoping I ran about a 58 when the chip time is posted tomorrow. Fingers are crossed! Now I just need to find a race for this month!

Porno= Epic Fail!

Soooo... I was on Hulu and this movie keeps popping up as one of the most popular movies on the site so I decided to check it out. Of course it's tagged with XXX so while I don't think it's necessarily a porno, I assume that it has some super ridiculously awesome sex scenes and some boob and probably ass with a teasing of penis that never materializes. For the sake of journalism I decided to watch it (I love how I can try to do things that are "frowned upon" and blame journalism. So handy!). I think you can judge for yourself that this movie is not what I thought by the title of my post but I'll review it anyway.



Okay plot breakdown: Two broke guys who just lost their jobs move to LA. Two chicks who are roommates go on a quest to find male prostitutes for a night. The four meet at a hotel bar, the girls bring them back to their house, sex occurs. Girls proposition guys to become their personal sex toys for cash. Love occurs. The end. This would all be well and good if the cast of characters were actually...well, attractive. One of the guys is smoking hot and one of the girls I've actually seen in bit parts on TV and is really pretty. The other two leave a lot to be desired. I'm fairly certain the guy might be attractive if he were to cut his hair off.



The unattractive ones engage in some crazy ass sex with bondage and spanking and cries of "NOOO" that mean "YES!" Give me more. The unattractive ones spend a lot of time...talking. She is super uptight, he is a free spirit. He ends up teaching her about love. Including introducing her to butt sex with one of the funniest lines ever after she tells him she does not think his manhood will fit in her back door.




"Well, you've seen the size, right? You've taken shits bigger than that, right?" How on earth was this line uttered with a straight face? I give both of them points for acting through this scene which had to be insanely awkward (especially considering Johann Urb is married).

Surprisingly enough the movie was kind of cute if slightly awkward. And the ending is definitely not what you think it will be which was refreshing. I found myself only really wanting to watch the attractive couple though which made me feel insanely shallow but seriously, the guy is HOT. And the unattractive couple had more than a few screws loose.

So, my attempt at a porno was an epic fail. Unfaithful, and just about every show on Showtime and HBO, has more sex in them than this movie did. So, I guess next time I need to be in the mood I can just throw some Tudors into the DVD player! As Ashley pointed out to me, there are plenty of sites to watch for free. Just not sure I'm there yet.

Sex Movies

Just a heads up, no movies in my apartment are appealing to me. So I went to Hulu and picked popular movie titles. This one movie keeps popping up and I swear it's porno so I'm about to find out. Strictly Sexual is about to be watched and reviewed for you...if my internet connection can handle it ;*

7 Days of Head

Has anyone else had a guy say this to them when they've been "on the rag"? What is the worst 7 days of my life has somehow turned into 7 days of oral bliss for my guy? Actually, yes, I did do this for my boyfriend in college and had no problem with it. In my opinion, just because I'm suffering from lack of sexual intercourse doesn't mean that he should suffer as well.

I don't really care about giving but I am totally bummed about not receiving anything. It's not like God built in a week where he gives me what I want and has terminal blue balls.

Word on the street is...some people...ahem, partake in period sex. I have not done this. For a couple of reasons...

1. It seems...messy. Where the hell do you partake in period sex? I mean I don't want to be graphic here but fucking blood is like geysering out of your vagina. (okay that was rather graphic but I don't want to backspace so suck it)


2. Am I the only one who gets sore...in places... there are some days I don't even want my clothing touching my nipples. I cannot imagine letting a guy within 20 feet of them.

Literally, just a couple of reasons I guess. But pretty major in my book. I suppose a shower sex scene would be nice but then I picture red...and penis...and that is gross to me so I can't imagine how it would be to a guy. Apparently, it is actually beneficial healthwise to have sex during menstration (ewww that word is gross too). Click here for a nice little article about period sex. Basically having sex during that time of the month can relieve period pain and shorten your period. Damn, I need a boyfriend so we can hop on this stat. Wikihow introduces you to a step-by-step guide to sex on your period. And just so you have the men's perspective be sure to check out AskMen.com and their take on having fun during menstration.

So, has anyone done the dirty deed while Aunt Flo is in town? Did you like it? Tips, advice? If you haven't, would you?

Table Topic Thursday

Okay this wasn't to originally be the idea for Thursdays but considering my first idea was Thirsty Thursday and I've virtually cut the thirsty part of Thursday out of my life for now it didn't seem appropriate. So, my friend, Kyle, got me this cool block for my birthday. Inside, there are tons of random questions to get conversations started so I thought once a week I might answer. It just so happens that Table Topic alliterates well with Thursday and there is a gaping hole in Thursday so here goes!

what do you wish you were better at saying "no" to?

This one is so easy to answer it is ridiculous. There is actually more than one answer but the most obvious and entertaining one is simple: I wish I were better at saying no to weddings. Something about a blushing bride to be asking me to partake in her special moment just takes me from "HELL NO" to "OHMYGODYESIWOULDLOVETOBEINYOURWEDDING".

The truth of the matter is I hate weddings. I've only had a date to two weddings. One of them, I was in and his whole family was there so it wasn't like having a date. The other my date and I actually missed the ceremony but made it to the reception right as she was being introduced. Of course, I was so hammered on Vodka that I told her immediately that I had missed that special moment.

Why do I hate weddings? Well, I hate people asking where my boyfriend is or when I'm going to take the plunge. And I have such anxiety about the gift and what to wear when I'm not in it. When I am in it, I feel fat, frumpy and undeserving of the honor of helping the bride celebrate her beloved. And the dancing! Christ, I need a million drinks to feel comfortable out there and even then I don't really want to be doing it. I have no idea how to slow dance. Or fast either. I know it's stupid...but it's fact.

I've had red dresses, blue dresses, pink dresses... long dresses, short dresses...high heels...flats...big boquets....hair did, hair undone...make up...no make up. I've flown to weddings, driven to weddings. Big weddings and small weddings. And the fact is I don't hate them so much as worry about them. And why am I always one of the only single people there?

This year I have a wedding in April that I am actually super excited about because it's a lot of high school friends and fun people the couple has met since college. Plus the bride is super low key and picked out dresses and shoes we can actually wear again. Which is awesome. ANNDDD we're heading to Vegas. The second wedding I'm in is in November (during football season- bleh) for my best friend since I was 8. I'm excited about it but nervous because (per usual) I won't know anyone but a few assorted family members and the bride and groom. I guess I'll have to keep you posted on my behavior at those as past weddings have included me tailgating a dry wedding, sneaking booze in an oj bottle and saying it was for my diabetes, taking a bottle of tequila from the bar and doing shots in the corner, and various other embarrassing bits. Though I haven't had dirty wedding sex yet though so I guess that's something.

What about you, what's something you wish you could say no to?

I Run Because... I Can: Feature Friday- One More Mile Review & GiveAway!!!

I Run Because... I Can: Feature Friday- One More Mile Review & GiveAway!!!

I don't link to many blogs on my own blog but I think I may have to start if I keep finding gems like this one. Click the above link and check out OneMoreMile store for cute and relatively inexpensive (everything is expensive in my world these days!) clothing and accessories for runners and walkers alike. Be sure to read the blog and comment for a chance to win your favorite shirt!

Like most runners, the blogger got back into running to help get in shape and in the course of doing so has networked and become enamored with blogging (hey sounds like me!). It's always fun to read someone else's thoughts and feelings on running and the community is widespread but closeknit. I've slowly started following their blogs when I have some down time to catch up on reading.

February 21,2010- Born Again

My six month anniversary of the last time I had a sexual encounter including someone else has come and gone. Surprisingly enough I did not commemorate this incredible occasion with anything. Not even a masturbation and sexy lingerie.

Which lead me to the assumption that at this point I have been born again. Surprisingly enough, by month six I wasn't jonesing for sex as much as month one. Am I becoming desensitized to sexual encounters? And then I started feeling like the teenager who wasn't having sex when everyone else was and spent their days wondering "Am I normal"? Which really is not conducive to going out on the prowl.

I imagine if I was a guy, this would be the cartoon of my current situation:

So now I suppose I should probably start guarding my newly reacquired v card...maybe invest in some protective gear. Also, no more drinking cause that's a sure way to lose that shit again. But then I wonder, what would happen if I waited and waited and waited and nothing sexual ever happened again in my life? Would I be miserable? Would I be a bitch to people? Hmmm, six months in and I do get supremely annoyed with stupid shit so maybe there is a link.

I can't even write a proper blog that stays on topic or even makes sense! How should I break this drought? Should I break this drought?

Twitter Tuesday

Another Twitter Tuesday- I easily became addicted to Twitter and I cannot imagine not being able to check out what other people are thinking, doing or pissed about at all hours of the day in 140 characters or less. Especially this guy right here:

Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) is a comedian who claims to be 6'3" and 214 lbs. That's his about me and coupled with this picture how could you not want to follow him? Read more about him here but before you do that check out a couple of his tweets and see how funny he is for yourself!

• When I hear the word "vegan", my penis softens & retreats.


• Fucked a bunch of horses this weekend, NOT because I enjoy it (I do) but because I want Centaurs to roam the earth once more.


• Why must you call me "Horse Fucker"? Why not "Sire of the Centaurs"? I have feelings!


• Other dudes LOL so hard when I pull my pants/underwear all the way down to my ankles like a little boy to pee at a public urinal.


• When I'm executed, my last meal request will be pancakes parmesan. They can figure out how to make it, because fuck them, I'm innocent.


• If I could only take one book to the moon, I'd make sure that book had a vagina.


• I guess you could say I'm handicapped, in the sense that I enjoy palatial toilet stalls and VIP parking.


• One thing I'll never understand is how anyone could ever hurt a child, or unfollow me on Twitter.


• Well at least I gave it the old college try-to-maintain-an-erection-&not-throw-up-on-her.


• If you own a Toyota this is a great opportunity to run over your spouse.


• All these new sex robots! I just "program" real women to fuck me by walking my puppy in my tight wranglers.

Monday Musings

• What is it about rain that renders already shitty Atlanta drivers into completely incompetent Atlanta drivers? The best part is that they think they can drive when clearly they could not even navigate their own empty driveway if paid to do so.
• I hate the doors to the back of our office building. Every morning, I walk in feeling good and catch my reflection. Utter deflation. Today I looked like an oversized blackberry. Like the fruit, not the phone. Though I guess that works, too.
• I went to the gym at 5 am. No one was there to let me in. I waited 45 minutes. Still no one. I called. No voicemail. I went home, defeated. I should have listened to that instinct that warned me no when I heard thunder immediately after my alarm.
• What is it about Mondays that fucking sucks so bad?
• Is coffee good for you or bad? I’ve heard both. It really pisses me off how the world can’t make up its mind about that and egg yolk. Pick one and stick with it people.
• I just spilled water all over myself. Monday is so craptastic it’s ridiculous.
• Once again, I do apologize and this should NEVER happen again.
• Because in the pouring rain, I wanted to get out of my car to get that number. ASSHOLE.
• Here’s a thought, always have two people open the gym on Mondays so this doesn’t happen again. Hmmm. Why do I have to explain everything to these people? Your apology does not get me back 45 wasted minutes.
• I have become a cautionary tale. It makes me laugh. But also scares me that so much of your personal life and free time can affect your job. It’s complete and utter crap. It should be separate like church and state. Shit, that was a terrible example.
• How is it 10 am and I have accomplished NOTHING?
• I have two college degrees and my current assignment at work is to stuff envelops. Why do people go to college anymore?
• I meant to do a weekend wrap up blog yesterday but my blogger was fucked up. Fucked up is putting it mildly. It crashed Barbie’s computer and her blackberry. Anyway weekend: Friday- work. Bleh. Saturday- work. Run 8 miles. More work. Hooters. Boneless Wings. Beer Me. Patron. Jack and Diet. More beer. Hotel Motel Holiday Inn. Pass out. WOOOOOO. Sunday- hangover, grocery shopping, fundraiser, work. Bleh. Don’t you feel like you were there?
• The mail machine and I just got into a disagreement. It was a hostile standoff but I came out victorious. Damn you, mail machine, seal and stamp my envelopes. Bitch.
• Gold’s Gym, I just made you my bitch. Don’t fuck with my morning work out.
• The plastic on my TRC water bottle smells like shit. And here I was about to say at least I left that job with one good thing but even that is now tainted. Damn you, waterbottle, damn you.
• Why do people I have no interest in want to date me? Seriously. And how do I not notice until the point of no return and guaranteed awkwardness?
• I know I’m dieting but I want my fucking girl scout cookies. Bitches are outside Wal Mart selling them so I know they are available. Little girl, give them to me NOW.
• Can people really be this stupid? The answer is, why, yes, yes they can. The people I work with are either lazy, blind or lack the ability to follow directions and check their work.
• And I just spilled my water for the second time today. Excellent. It’s like there is a hole in my lip. Drip, drip, drip.
• Seriously, I am going to waste my day fixing someone else’s mistakes instead of doing the rest of my job.
• I know I should be more forgiving. But it’s a wasted exercise since I’m like a rubberband. I snap right back into bitch mode.
• Why the sudden rush of fucking birthdays?
  

For Your Entertainment...

No I'm not talking about Glambert on this post, rather my own ire this morning upon arriving at my gym to find no one there. I could have been nicer about this but so could he. And it was 5 am and pouring down rain. So that took the anger up a notch. Below are the emails we exchanged:
(and fuck blogger for not allowing me to copy and paste this today. Jesus, everything sucks.)

To Sean (Lawrenceville Gym Manager)

Please explain to me why I waited 45 minutes to get in the gym and still no one has arrived? There were about 20 of us waiting and I finally had to leave to get ready for work. At this point, any workout would be a complete waste of time. I'm not sure what your process of opening is but not a single trainer or desk person was there to let us in. It is completely ridiculous that I had to wait that long. On top of all that, I could not call and leave a complaint due to your phone number not having a mailbox set up and I tried using the website to log a complaint and it wouldn't allow me to send it. Suffice to say, I'm not very happy with Gold's Gym right now.

Email from Sean (almost 4 hours later)

Erin,

I do apologize for the inconvenience. The person set to open the club had some issues this morning and I did not find out about it until 5:15 am. This situation has been taken care of. For future reference, there is a number posted on the door for situations such as this and I was called by someone about the club this morning. I had myself and two others on the way this morning to open the club for you folks.

Once again, I apologize and this should NEVER happen again.

Sean

Okay, before I post my response Mr. General Manager you weren't on your way as I called at 7:45 am and asked to speak with a manager and was told one would not be arriving until 9 am by a lovely young woman named Jessica. So, don't bullshit me. I'm not an idiot. So, of course, now I am irrationally angry and decide another email is in order. To which he has yet to respond.

Sean,

Thanks for the quick response. Two things: for the future you may want to consider having two people open on Mondays no matter what. While it may not be cost effective, the level of customer service that demonstrates ensures that won't happen again. Second, I called the number on your website and without a mailbox number it tells you to try again and disconnects. The website might have the incorrect number in which case it needs to be updated. Also, perhaps you noticed at 5 am it was pouring so getting out of my car to find a number posted on your building was not really high on my priority list. I'm not trying to be bitchy but your gym is more expensive than other gyms I looked into and I still joined. I expect to be completely satisfied and to be able to work out when I want. Especially as I work two jobs to be able to afford the luxury of your gym and now have to rearrange my busy schedule to come in tonight. I hope that you continue to take customer feedback seriously and improve upon the gym.

Thanks,
Erin

Apologies

I have no idea what is going on with my sidebar but it freezes every time I try to edit it and adds all this space so that you have to scroll FOREVER to get to my training log and past entries. Not that I think a ton of people are reading the blog but whatever I'm trying!

Anyway, Saturday and today I weight in at 159.8- whoo! Two consecutive days below 160. Although I had some booze last night and some cookies today at a fundraiser I had so I'll probably be back up there tomorrow.

Anyway, I am going to try to figure out the sidebar thing or delete it and try putting a new one in ASAP. Thanks!

Ward v Erin Wrap Up

Sorry I have not updated this lately, running has been GRUELING. I have compiled a list of things I learned this week through my running with Ward to raise funds for CCFA.

1. I CAN RUN FOR 7 DAYS STRAIGHT. And I enjoyed it! I have never even run two days in a row- I've always been fearful of shin splints and ankle pain and knee pain and any other kind of pain you can think of.
2. I CAN PUSH THROUGH IT. There were days that I had no desire at all to run. Days that my body wanted to rebel. But my mind persevered and drove me to get out there and hit the pavement. Or the treadmill. Either way.
3. PAIN IS YOUR FRIEND. Pain lets you know when to stop. It lets you know when you are pushing yourself too hard, not enough or just right. Most importantly, pain lets you know you're alive and kicking.
4. I'VE STILL GOT THAT COMPETITIVE SPIRIT. And trash talking just gets me amped up.
5. MY DAILYMILE PEEPS ARE THE SHIT. So much support and encouragement comes from these people. And we've never met! Yet when I'm up they are cheering me on. When I'm down, they are cheering me on. And they help keep me on track. Reporting to them keeps me honest and some days its the only thing that can get me out there to run.
6. MY CROSS TRAINING IS MAKING A HUGE DIFFERENCE. I've always heard this is the case but I've never seen the results myself. The weeks leading up to the challenge to raise cash for CCFA I was running maybe three days a week for about 30 minutes. This week I was up at 5 am running for an hour on the treadmill. And I was kicking ass at it.
7. I LOVE THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I'M DONE. Good or bad run there is always a sense of accomplishment. My body feels used in a good way. And I have more focus during the course of the day. I will definitely be kicking up my running a notch after this!

So now, the results... My total mileage for the week was 40.53 miles. Ward turned in an excellent performance on Saturday to drive his total mileage up to 54.85 miles! Both of us ran our most mileage in a week and I loved every minute of it. Total mileage for the two of us combined: 95.38. Bringing our cash money total to $219.37 for Team Challenge and CCFA. It is an incredible feeling to know I was a part of something and it was really cool to spend my days calculating and plotting and getting excited to run. HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE thanks to Ward who came up with this idea via dailymile and kept me going through the week.

Piggy Back - Neighbors.

I am going to try to not wig out like Erin did - but neighbors suck. It is one thing to be an inconsiderate neighbor/human being when you live in a HOUSE with a yard dividing you from the people you live around but in an apartment complex. Really? Why are you SO great that no one else matters?

When I moved into our apartment I was told that they used sound proofing materials for the walls and since I was an end unit we would have a lot of peace and quiet since no one ever used the stairs. I must be a dumbass to believe that shit because I have not had a peaceful nights sleep in oh, over a year. Let's address the issues that I have at The Battery At Chamblee Station in regards to neighbors and noise.

The bitches above me: Are you elephants after 5pm?! I swear to God they do not walk. They hop on pogo sticks, wear combat boots, or hop from one room to another. All we hear all night long is thud.thud.thud.thud. FML. My boyfriend and I constantly ask the question "what the hell are they doing up there". Like Erin's neighbors, I know when they're eating due to the slamming of cabinets and when they're done eating due to the dish washer. I know when they're getting it on because I can hear every moan and groan and squeak of their brass bed. Oh baby Oh baby is not what I want to hear at 2 AM on a work night (or any night for that matter). And is it really necessary to vacuum at 11:30 PM.

The ass clowns above me and to the left: He beats her. Her being his girlfriend or wife. His lady friend. They argue so loud that my dog can hear them and we live a floor down and over one. Because my dog has super sonic hearing he barks and barks at them and my neighbors get so annoyed they have to RUN up the stairs to tell them to shut their pie holes it is 2 AM.

The whole building who uses the stairs past 11 PM: Are you training for an uphill run? Must you run up and down the steps and bang your feet? Must you scream into your cell phone or at your friends who are following you? Seriously. First of all, it is like late night, why are you not at all considerate about people who may be I don't know sleeping? My neighbor to the left and only neighbor on my floor works for a valet company - he comes in super late every night - but he also RUNS up the stairs. Waking me up and my boyfriend and my dog. My dog then barks and barks and barks. I have to get out of bed, reign him him and then settle back in my sheets. Only to have him realize he left something in the car and to run back down them and then back up. My neighbor is not the only one. Everyone seems to use the stairs now and it is like Macy's fucking Thanksgiving Day Parade up and down the stairs at all hours of the night.

We are moving when our lease it up and never living by stairs again. My main question is - why does nothing happen during normal afternoon hours. Why must every one's asshole tendencies come out in the middle of the night when people are trying to sleep?!

Days 2 & 3- Ward vs. Erin

Alright, we have reached hump day and My.Body.Is.Screaming.At.Me. I don't even have the energy to flirt with the hot guy. When he attempt conversation I just nod weakly. Thank god for Sports Center or I'd never have made it through the past three days! That and the mantra "It's all about the money." Sorry Ward, you won't be drinking this week!

Yesterday, I was determined to get 6 miles in 60 minutes and I succeeded with 6.08 miles! Of course, Ward went further. I say this as though there was a doubt. He runs way more often than I do since I typically run about 9 miles in a week. Ward ran 7.04 miles yesterday outdoors IN SHORTS because he is awesome like that. And also, stupid like that. Sorry Ward, just speaking the truth.I like to be in my little bubble with Sports Center and hot gym guy. Sorry, that's what motivates me! Especially when I wake up and the temperature reads 26 degrees. F that people. I must scare him because Ward was tweeting to my friend Barbie about getting me drunk that night at dinner. I laughed and countered that no matter how hung over I was I would be running 6 miles. In fact, in college I would often go running hung over or still drunk and speed up the recovery process. I'm not saying it works for everyone but it does for me. Especially if I can puke in some unsuspecting neighbors' bushes.

Today, my body hated me. It took more than usual to get out of bed but I did it. I dragged myself to the gym and hopped on the treadmill for 6.35 miles of hell. I cannot say anything good about this run except it's over. Ward on the other hand ditched his shorts and tacked another 7.06 miles. Apparently, my bitching over my pain on Twitter stirred a compassionate string in Ward's heart as he offered to give me a day of rest tomorrow. No way, Jose. I did agree to only run 4 miles because I've got to get to Sunday and at the rate I'm going I won't be able to sit by Friday!

Total Mileage through Wednesday: 38.84

$$$$: 89.33

Wig Out Wednesday- Neighbors

How many ways do I hate my neighbors? Let me count thee...(I have no idea if that is the appropriate context for that last statement but it's my blog so fuck it. How's that for a mini-rant?) Anyway, today's topic of discussion is how much I dislike all my neighbors. Okay, not all. But like 90% of them. These people really make me wonder why I haven't moved to a cabin in the woods with no one around for miles. Then I remember how much I love Target. Hell of a store. Back on topic:

1. Downstairs Neighbor: This douchebag thinks he's hot shit. Got news for you buddy, you aren't. One time my Mom and I were heading up the stairs and he stopped us for a chat in which he told us how chaotic raising kids was. To which my mom responded by politely asking him how many kids he has. He has one. One fucking kid. Dude, not impressed with your inability to handle that. In fact, he had locked his screaming kid in the apartment where he was running crazy through a one bedroom apartment. While he stood outside and just listened. The kicker, judging by the way the kid runs around his apartment, he's got to be about two. The man has a big ass crib right by the window for him. WTF is that? And for some reason he and his son are so fucking loud that they sound like they live above me rather than below. It makes absolutely no sense that I can hear every damn thing they do- they shut the cabinets, I hear it. When he does laundry, my apartment shakes. He slams doors. And every damn day at approximately 4 pm, he jams out to techno music. I don't know anything about techno, but either it all sounds the same coming through my floor or he listens to the same damn songs every day on a loop. How did someone else live below me for a year and I didn't hear a thing she did and now this asshole makes his presence known the minute he wakes up? On top of that, he has called the cops on me ON MY BIRTHDAY not 10 minutes after we got home. I hadn't even turned on the tv or anything. He "heard us coming up the stairs and knew we were having a party." There were six of us. To combat him, I have left a sticky note explaining why he should turn his fucking music down and occasionally put boots on and jump up and down in the kitchen until the noise stops. Pretty fucking immature of me but whatever. Gets the aggression out.
2. Across the Hall Neighbor version 1: I never met this dude and I was pumped to do so when upon arriving to my new pad I spied a UGA mat in front of his door. I deduced he was mail based on the trash he left outside his place for days on end. I actually pulled out the pink sticky notes and purple pen to nicely request he deposit it in the dumpster. He complied. Aside from the trash thing, I can't complain about anything he did. Except maybe that he got evicted and led to a parade of neighbors I want to murder. One day, I looked out the window and spotted him carrying furniture out to a moving truck with his buddies and was so bummed out. Unfortunately, he just couldn't afford the rent.
3. Across the Hall Neighbor version 2: This was a couple. In fact, at first I thought they seemed pretty cool if not a little too punk. They never blasted music, they were rarely home and they had a cute dog who only barked every once in a while. Unfortunately, this may be due to the fact that he was drugged out of his mind. When I first met the couple, we were standing outside at 4 am for a fire alarm. It was fucking freezing. They had some friends over and at first we were chatting up. I never got to bed that night because come to find out, one of their friends not only pulled the fire alarm but then proceeded to piss all over the stairs and railing. It froze while we were waiting 45 minutes for the fire department to show up. The couple and the guy had a two hour screaming match and from that day forward things went downhill. I'm assuming the couple broke up but remained friendly as he moved out but could be spotted smoking outside the building. She had a parade of men coming in and out of her place at all hours of the day. Their ages ranged from high school to grandpa. There were four guys living with her in a one bedroom by the end of her lease. They would smoke outside my apartment and put their butts and ash all over the place (ruining my newly acquired UGA doormat). She had parties at random times during the week so that I had to go complain a couple of times- like I good neighbor I would just stop by and let her know rather than calling the cops. I am convinced she was a whore or running a meth lab or both. Imagine my relief when she moved out...
4. Across the Hall Neighbor version 3: ...only to be replaced by a family of I don't know how many a scant two weeks later. I've seen this family- it's a couple of little skinny kids and their average sized parents. I swear to God the minute their feet touch one damn step you can hear them like a herd of goddamn elephants. They have actually succeeded in waking me up with their stomping up the stairs. In fact, one time I crept silently down the back stairs and then stomped up the front stairs as loud as I could when I knew they were home. I was really hoping they would come out and complain and in doing so see that I was in my pajamas stomping up the stairs to make a point. No such luck. I firmly believe they have no clue anyone else even lives in the apartment because they scream at each other and into phones on their treks between car and apartment. Also, only one of them has a key despite the apartment giving two keys to both the apartment and the mailbox to everyone who moves in. I know this because the bitch of the family will stand outside and bang on the door for HOURS in an attempt to get in while homeboy is napping. They've only lived here two weeks and already I'm dying. Sometimes, I even stay in the office all day even though I can work from home. I'm avoiding them. I cringe when they start up the stairs.

I could keep going but these are the ones I hate. There is also a Mary Kay lady who wants to work out with me constantly and stops me ever time I head to the gym to discuss me stopping by and getting her the next time I go. And the couple behind me who are so boring nothing EVER goes on in their apartment. Strangely, they are both ALWAYS there. There is the Hispanic family whose car magnet touting their day care services has so many typos I doubt anyone actually calls them. And the redneck posse downstairs who are so annoying that the security lady who lived down there relocated buildings. I would do the same had I not lit my own apartment on fire... What I really don't understand is how you can have no fucking consideration for those living around you. How can you not realize that if you feel the beat pounding so does the rest of the building? Or think that smearing your ashes in front of my apartment and drawing the ire of the complex (which threatened to fine me a months rent for that bullshit) is considered neighborly behavior? I know sometimes I might be loud but stop by and tell me so and I will be more than happy to turn it down! Suffice to say, I've learned a lot about what I am looking for in my next place...the question is, will I be able to afford this and if so will me neighbors be reincarnated?

Am I the only one with inconsiderate neighbors? Would you be frustrated by these people or am I just a tad ridiculous in my annoyance?

No sex: Day 4

New blogger here on Little Black Book!  I'm Allyson and since Erin is my best friend I had no problem agreeing to write this when I shared the details with her this morning.  Basic info you'll need for this post.  I'm in a relationship and currently living with boyfriend of four years. 

Valentines Day has now come and gone.  I'm hoping that everyone fully enjoyed their day and keeping with the theme of this blog- GOT LAID!

Yesterday I returned from a trip with my boyfriend from Dallas, Tx for the 2010 All Star Game.  We flew out there Thursday morning and returned yesterday evening.  Between the time of our five day, four night stay in Texas I only had sex ONE TIME.  It wasn't even on Valentines Day.  Neither of us were sick or too drunk to make it happen.  At least if someone were too drunk that could have made for another interesting story.  I'm sure this doesn't seem like that big of a deal but it's becoming a pattern.  I don't know what to do!  Don't think I haven't made it known.  I'm pretty sure "Let's have sex" or "Let's get naked" is straight to the point.  Take off your clothes!  Just take off your pants...shit, just lay down and let me handle it!  Erin believes that he has gotten comfortable in the relationship.  Granted we have been together for a long time but doesn't the sex leave when marriage and babies get in the picture?  

There are only so many times that I can masturbate before it just isn't enough anymore!  It helps me sleep but it doesn't fill that need.  I don't even have to get up and leave the room.  He's a sound sleeper and I've taken care of myself right there in bed.  I don't know if I have a quiet one, but I've used a silver bullet right there next to him.  Moment of silence for that toy.  Damn cord broke.   It's getting to be really tough.  Especially on those days when it's late at night and I can't fall asleep.  Do you know what comes on late at night on HBO?  Real Sex.  Thank you HBO.  Thank you for showing me all these ugly people with small penises and saggy boobs getting ass.  At least the last episode was a little educational.  It was a sex recession show and you could learn how to make a budget friendly sex toy.  That is information for a different post on a different day.

Last night we read.  Isn't that sweet?  FUCK SWEET!  I don't live in a damn Nicholas Sparks book.  Well, he had his book and I had Club Dead, Book 3 of the Sookie Stackhouse series.  True Blood #3 for those of you who don't know.  Have you watched True Blood on HBO?   Scroll down to the Sex Dream post and look at that picture.  Those ass holes are who I see in my head as I read this book.  There is sex all over this book and I can't get any.  IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT!

I'm going to keep a tab on how long this shit lasts.  I counted back for the month of February and it's not looking good.

Healthy Snack Review: Z Bar

Okay, so even though they look like poop you scooped up off the sidewalk I love clif bars. I just don't love all the extra shit in them. If I was working out 2-3 hours a day, maybe but I'm not. Same goes for Powerade(but not gatorade which was developed at the University of Florida- bleh). Instead of helping me, they are just adding more unnecessary shit to my diet which is translating into poundage. In other words if someone tells you they stay skinny eating three clif bars a day, smack them across the face.

So, while I was wandering Target, as I often do when bored on a Saturday much to the detriment of my wallet, I spied clif bars for kids and thought well these might be good for me. A little less ooomph if you will. Plus they are half the price- I think a box of 6 cost like $2.98 versus a box of 6 Cliff bars for $5 and some change. So I bought the box. And today seemed like a perfect day to try them out since I'm in the office all day.

"In raising our family, we always wish to find organic to nourish our kids as they compete in sports, study or just play with friends. We prefer to make them food from scratch, but life gets busy, so it's not always possible. That's why we create Clif Kid Organic ZBar- a baked energy snack made with whole oats, plus 12 essential vitamins and minerals- so kids can keep going, growing and exploring."

-Kit & Gary, parents and Co-owners of Clif Bar & Company

They taste like cardboard. I would think if you are expecting kids to eat this shit you make it taste less like shit and more like junk food but I guess if you are doing home made organic meals from the get go then these kids have never tasted the joy of a fattening brownie or a salty chip. In other words, this probably tastes better to them than the kashi shit their parents force feed them. I will probably still buy them- just maybe drink some milk with them...

Nutritional content:
130 calories

3.5 g of fat

23 g of carbs

3 g of Protein

(OLD SKOOL) Sex Song of the Week

Okay, so these ladies personafied sex in various ways with their CrazySexyCool album but to me no song did it for me like "Red Light Special". And I was in elementary school when this CD came out but I listened to it on the reg through high school. Going through my iTunes today I rediscovered the whole CD and once again this song did it for me. It's a classic to have been released in 1994 and still be magic in 2010. I added this to my going out list. It's perfect if you have a man in mind to come spend the night because it makes you feel sexy and like you will be a seductress for the night. Pop it in before he gets there and you will wow him in the sack :)

"Red Light Special" TLC from CrazySexyCool

Take a good look at it

Look at it now

Might be the last time you'll

Have a go round

I'll let you touch it if you'd

Like to go down

I'll let you go further

If you take the southern route

Don't go too fast

Don't go too slow

You've got to let your body flow

I like them attentive

And I like 'em in control

[CHORUS]

Baby it's yours

All yours

If you want it tonight

I'll give you the Red Light Special

All through the night

Baby it's yours

All yours

If you want it tonight

Just come through my door

Take off my clothes

And turn on the red light

I know that you want me I can

See it in your eyes

You might as well be honest 'cause the

Body never lies

Tell me your secrets and I'll

(I'll) tell you mine

I'm feeling quite sexy

And I want you for tonight

If I move too fast just let me know

'Cause it means you move too slow

I like some excitement

And I like a man that goes

[CHORUS]

If you want me let me know it

I'll make time but you got to show it

If you need me I want to see it

But don't mistake me

I don't want you down on your knees

I need someone a real man

I need someone who understands

I'm a woman

A real woman

I know just what I want

I know just who I am

[CHORUS]

Day One Ward v. Erin

I know it's not really versus but I am looking at this like a challenge. The outdoor mileage guy Ward versus treadmill 30 minute girl Erin. I'd say we came out about even with Ward pulling out a slight edge for being an all around bad ass. For example, this tweet came from Ward in response to my mentioning that I was getting up at 5 am for a run:

runner_23 @fromfat2fit2010 wimp, 4:30 for me

Make sure you add him and start harassing him. He is pretty entertaining and earns bonus points for being a Yankees fan (speaking of which Ward, the website has a contest to go to Spring Training. I got all excited- until I realized you have to live within 75 miles of Yankee stadium. Busch league.)Anyway, he's the victor for today because homeboy made good on his promise and was up early in the morning running IN THE RAIN. Excuse me? F that, my friend. I know I have said this a hundred times but get your ass on dailymile if you are a runner. Trust me, you will love it. Plus, who doesn't love making internet friends. There is nothing creepy or pathetic about that anymore. In fact, making real life friends is far creepier nowadays. Ward got his butt in gear this morning and ran 6.76 miles. Again, in the rain. And in 54 minutes which is something I could only dream about. In comparison, I ran 5.55 miles in an hour. Whatever, I ran for a solid hour on the treadmill so that's a moral victory.

Total Mileage: 12.31

$$$$(cause that's what I'm all about!): 28.31

Twitter Tuesday

This week I would like to highlight another great Tweeter. For those of you who have read about my slight admiration for a certain attractive golfer who happens to be the king of social media, this chica happens to be one he follows and tweets to. In fact, I think she's been on his sweet tweets before. I know she has one of his prizes (a poken) and he asked her about that recently(On a side note, he just started to following me so I'm hoping my funny, ironic, whatever kicks in so that he will pick mine just once. I don't even care if I win.) Anyway...



Lisa Barone (@LisaBarone) is the cofounder of Outspoken Media so obviously she knows what's up in cyber space. Aside from having cool links and fascinating blog posts, she is pretty damn entertaining. Below is a listing of a few of her highlights:

• You shouldn't be able to brag about your new puppy unless you have pictures for me to 'aww' at. And a jar of puppy breath.


• Some people are just not bright enough to perform common tasks.


• @dompap You also just used the word 'broseph'. Your sketchiness just upped.


• I think my internet connection took off for the holiday. Goodie goodie! [kicks cat]


• Is it bad that my response to "save me from the ginger" was "throw water on it"?


• Possibly rocking out in public to Kris Allen. Don't judge me. Though the guy behind me is.


• The process of going after a dream feels a hell of a lot like a nightmare. Til it pays off.


• The Olympic flame will arrive in three minutes...or you get it free.


• ...with breadsticks.


• Bryan Adams, Nelly Furtado and Sarah McLachlan. Ah, Canada. Your attempt at relevance ISSOCUTE!


• Telling me the post is "fine" is like saying I only look moderately fat in these jeans.


• How to woo a girl. You know I'd f*** you first.

Monday Musings

• Today I began a week of running EVERY DAY. It’s a daunting task for someone who runs only three days a week but it’s for a good cause as I’m raising money for CCFA. This guy Ward has offered to pay per mile the two of us run. You can read about that here.
  
• I ate half of a large thin crust chicken and jalapeno pizza on Friday. Fact is, I could have eaten the whole thing. I don’t know if I should be impressed or repulsed by this fact.
  
• I am not the smartest person in the world but I have common sense. My boss on the other hand does not. It is extremely frustrating.
  
• I think I’m turning boring. This is a disappointment.
  
• Rain rain go away, never come back except late at night. Be gone by the time I’m ready for work. And please God bring some patio weather behind you so I can hang out and drink margaritas with my friends!
  
• I really need to make decisions about my life STAT. I would like to look for a new job but what is the point if I decide to move in August when my lease is up?
  
• Why did my sister get all the talent in my family? What was God’s plan there? I mean supposedly the Big Guy is real nice and loves us all. If so, why make some people more awesomer than others? Kind of dick if you ask me.


• Also, I went to the gym this morning at 5 am. Place is empty except for maybe 15-20 people. Riddle me this, with 100+ cardio machines in the building why was I virtually surrounded by 2 old men, 3 hispanic guys and a black dude while running on the treadmill? I am not the hottest piece of ass to come through those doors so don’t give me that crap. And because of this, hot guy Mike was forced to work out on the other side of the gym where he could get a machine in front of ESPN. And not to toot my own horn, but there are mirrors so I could clearly see that these men were not watching ESPN Sports Center with me.
  
• I really wish I could speak in accents. I just don’t have the ear for it. But how cool would it be to change it up when you are bored. I firmly believe that’s why Britney speaks the way she does. Britney is American and has her shit together, Brit is British and has a couple of screws loose. How nice it would be to be able to just change your accent to alert those around you that they shouldn’t fuck with you today.
  
• It’s a holiday today. Hey President’s nice work. Would have been cool if you had done better work because I firmly believe had you done so, I’d have this day off just like the banks do. Remedy that immediately, Obama. Por Favor (oooh look, I speak Spanish sometimes!)
• Don’t feel sorry for me though- I get to go work from home at noon. Which means sweatpants. And a snuggie. And sunshine through my window. And possibly a movie. Whoo!




• GI Jane. I should watch it once a week. In order to continue to motivate myself, I want Demi’s body. How do I make that happen?

• Probably not by eating Parmesan Crusted chicken salad from Macaroni Grill. Considering what I could have ordered though, I think I’m doing well.



• I'm watching The Notebook because nothing says THANK GOD I'M SINGLE like star crossed lovers. Who wants to struggle that hard. Also, this movie makes me not want to grow old AT ALL. Poor woman.


• Dear Aunt Flo, please arrive already. While I hate that you insist upon coming on a monthly basis, the least you could do is arrive when you say you will. I hate wondering when you will show up. And don't tell me it's my fault for not being on birthcontrol because really you need to take that up with Mother Nature who decided it would be cool to not allow me to use it. I would talk to her myself but it seems like I would just be the middle man in a problem you two need to solve.
  
• I fucked up my hours somehow so now an already ridiculously busy week has just become unbearable as I try to play catch up.


• I love Hummus. Seriously. If you do as well, then go out and buy Sabra Supremely Spicy. I live for it.


• Am I hungry or am I just bored right now?


• Do you make your bed every day? I feel like I should just so the room looks cleaner but what the fuck is the point if I'm just going to get back in it. Plus it's a struggle to get out the door at 5 am anyway!Maybe if I had nice bedding. Something to think about, I suppose.




• So I was stalking and creeping on facebook and just discovered the best friend of my ex died. Part of me wants to message him and part of me thinks that is just stupid. What a horrid thing- since I just went through this, I feel terrible for him. I might never want to see him again but I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone




• And now that we've cleared the depressing portion of the Musings...
  
• Why does rain look so much better in movies than in real life? It's all romantical and shit. Makes you want to make out in it. Never happens in real life. And honestly, it's just gross. Hollywood should really fix that.


• Left over pizza or buffalo chicken tenders? Both in my opinion, but hello? That won't help my cause.
  
• Rachel McAdams is a lucky bitch in The Notebook. Both jackasses want to be with her even though she can't make up her mind. I wish I had that- just for like a week so I could boost my self esteem somewhat.


• Working from home leaves me absolutely nothing to talk about. I suppose I will be done with this now but if something occurs to me, I shall update you. Doubtful though.
• Best line from a movie...ever: " I know this is like totally wrong but don't you ever wonder if she made the whole thing up? I mean you have to admit it's a good one. It's not like anyone could use Virgin Birth as an excuse again." ~ Mary, "Saved!"
• I really hate when DVDs don't have a play all. How fucking obnoxious.
• 5 days until Eric Church at Wild Bills. Words cannot convey my excitement. Seriously, I know by reading this you must think okay she wants to go, but words cannot convey how serious I am about Eric Church. Barbie might be able to make you understand but I cannot.
• 
  

Erin is moving to DC.

Ok not really. But I think she should. Oh wait, this is Barbie not Erin. Just saying hello again. ...ok back on track. Erin is not actually moving to DC but I think she should. For a few months now I have heard how she wants to "change it up" and how is is "over Georgia". She talks about Raleigh, but really Erin other than your Uncle, who do you know in Raleigh? Would your life really be that exciting? ...So on my way to work this morning I decided to take Erin's "Monday Musing" format but turn it into - Erin is relocating to DC and this is why.

• Because I am. That should be enough right there but I will continue on.
• There are Mexican restaurants and Mexican Cantinas all over DC and Northern VA. And there are plenty of patios to sit on and drink margaritas and eat cheese dip. Mexican adventures are not limited to the state of Georgia, my friend.
• Running. There are so many beautiful places in DC to run. We can run through all the monuments and along the water and with the cherry blossoms. There are PLENTY of 5ks and 10ks up there too. They even have half marathons and full marathons. Plus the summers do not get as hot and humid as they do here in ATL and training in the summer for races in miserable. We could run through the Zoo. How cool would that be ... run run run wave at the panda run run run
• You converse a lot with my high school buddy Blake (@udothedishes) on twitter. You can formally meet him and talk face to face rather than on the Internet. See you already have 2 friends in the DC area.
• FREE. There are so many FREE things to do on the weekends. Free is nice. We like free.
• Okay, sure it is expensive to live up there but who cares ... there are so many FREE things to do on the weekends.
• ....Don't know know someone who recently moved up there? So you'll have 3 friends automatically. You're becoming quite popular.
• Driving. Lets get real for one second. No one in Atlanta knows how to drive. NO ONE. Erin has spoken of this many many times before. Sure in DC, you have to fight the Diplomats who think they can do whatever they want - but 97% of people in the DC Metro area get in their car and just fucking DRIVE. They put their foot on the pedal and move. None of this getting in the left hand lane shit and puttering down the road 30 mph under the speed limit. Sure, you may get run over but at least the car that ran you over was/is going forward. Oh and when there is rain, wind, anything other than sunny days people in DC drive like there is nothing going on.
• The weather. All is does in Georgia is rain. Sure it rains in DC too, but I do not remember this much rain. Yes, it snows in DC and it gets insanely cold ... but hey, you're from Jersey you can handle it. And winter coats are super cute... who doesn't love a coat, scarf, gloves combo.
• It is GREAT to have new scenery. It would be lame to live in one place practically your whole entire life.
• The Gannett Company is like housed in the Nation's Capital's backyard of McLean, VA. You could go work for them and be a great journalist for like USA Today. I could even drive you to your interview - I know where they're located.
• There is so much to do. You have Georgetown and Olde Town Alexandria and the Tyson's area, and Annapolis. You would love Adam's Morgan - a big long road of watering holes.

And that is my argument. Think on it. Let it marinate. Get back to me at dinner tomorrow night. All the cool kids are moving to DC! ;o)

One week...OF RUNNING

So, as some of you may know, I am getting ready to begin training for my second 1/2 marathon with CCFA and Team Challenge. We are heading to Boston in June to run 13.1 miles to raise much needed funds and awareness for the 1.4 million people suffering from Crohn's and Colitis. You may wonder how I got into this or why I'm bringing this to your attention now but hold on to your pants, I'm getting to it.

When I was a kid, I vaguely recall my dad being pretty sick. I say vaguely because my parents divorced when I was five and I only saw him every other weekend if we were living in the same state at the time. My first vivid memory of his fight with Colitis is actually of the most major part of his disease. It was the summer time and I was probably 10 or 11 at the time. He lived in an apartment complex which in my mind was awesome because every other weekend we would go play tennis and hang out at the pool. My brother and I ate junk food and shared a water bed and generally were spoiled brats. I think a couple weekends in a row we didn't go over there but I thought it was due to softball scheduling. In reality, my dad was having a surgery to remove his colon. When we came to his apartment and he took us to the pool I WAS MORTIFIED. My dad had a scar running from his chest down his stomach and into his swim trunks. All puckered and pink. And he had a sac on his side (kind of hidden but you could definitely see it) that was basically cleaning his system of his urine. I actually hid in the apartment the rest of weekend and pretended to be sick. What I didn't know was my dad had been suffering for years and this was the only option. He would be unable to enjoy life with his kids or even provide for them if he did not take this step.

Fast forward to January of 2009. I checked my mail and had a ton of flyers and junk mail. Nevertheless, I flipped through it just in case a stray bill had gotten lost in there. I found a small packet for Team Challenge. I had been feeling restless and thought to myself how I really needed to get back in shape. I wanted a goal for the year but I was hesitant. A few days later, I opened the packet and read about it. Like a sign from God, I learned that Team Challenge raised money for CCFA and it was like I could give something back to my dad. I could acknowledge the pain and suffering he had gone through. I could show him how much he meant to me. And I could help other people suffering this same disease. So I showed up for a meeting. I went two weeks without going out to pay the $75 sign up fee. And I started fundraising. My dad and his company raised a majority of the funds and I barely trained.

In July of 2009, I flew to San Francisco and headed to Wine Country for the Napa to Sonoma 1/2 marathon. I got to explore and area I've never visited, I was able to meet people from all over the country, I had my first wine tasting, I hung out with people I was helping and, best of all, the night before the race I returned to my hotel to find my Dad waiting for me! He flew from New Jersey to watch me finish up this amazing journey. My longest run had been 6 miles so I was nervous but knowing he would be waiting for me at the finish line pushed me. I finished in 2 hours and 39 minutes and ran the entire thing. It was amazing. I vowed to do another and now I am all signed up for the inaugural Boston 13.1.

To date, I have raised almost $1300 for CCFA and the Boston 13.1. My friend Ward has promised me that he will donate $.23 per tenth of a mile that he and I run combined this week. Therefore, I'm halting my cross training approach and running for a solid week. I am really nervous because I don't usually run multiple days in a row but my brother sent me some kick ass shoes and the money I will raise will be the motivation. I will keep you posted as the week progresses!

To learn more about CCFA, click here. And to donate to my 1/2 marathon, click here.

Dear ABC Family, Stop Making Me Feel Bad About Not Waiting

So, I know I am a huge dork but I watch that show Make It Or Break It (and a whole host of other ABC Family shows) and the episode I watched today is making me feel horrible for not pursuing the avenue of abstinence. Seriously, the girl from Full House- Candice what's her name- is preaching to a gym full of horny boys and girls about how sex is a gift between a husband and wife. I wish someone had raised their hand and said so if I never get married, I should never have sex? That's kind of shitty. Why would God create such a gift that not everyone can enjoy? That's like saying God made some people special but not others. I'm not trying to get into a debate on God but why withhold this gift from some and allow others to partake in it? I'm not advocating hopping into bed with just anybody BUT I am pointing out how an argument can be made against the God wants you to wait theory. Whatever, if you want to feel bad about your choice to share your gift with someone who didn't put a ring on it, click here to watch the episode.

Oh, and even though the picture I posted only shows one guys (the hot Zachary Abel), there is plenty of man candy to ogle on this show.

Fruits and Veggies Pt 1

Okay, I think I am going to make some changes to the site though I am not sure what yet. Bear with me while I experiment. I do know that I will no longer subject you to my food diary because that is boring for you. It really just helps me out. I promise to share every juicy bite of forbidden hamburger and every orgasmic bite of ice cream but not on a daily basis (mainly because I hope to not be doing these things on a daily basis). And I may even do some taste testing. This blog is supposed to be for me and about me but, frankly, even I am kind of bored with it!

Today I thought I would focus on fruits and veggies because I NEED HELP. People, how on earth does one purchase and use veggies on a regular basis. I feel like they just drain my wallet. THEY. NEVER. KEEP. And quite honestly seeing my food before it is prepared is grossing me the fuck out. I know they are important to our diet and I definitely need more but I have no idea how to incorporate them into my diet in a fashion that is enjoyable to me. To say I hate veggies is to be putting it mildly.

Actually, I have gotten a little better at it but the times that I have experimented with my veggies have backfired enough and my funds are so limited that it seems better to me to stick to the safe bets of tomatoes, lettuce and cucumbers. I know I like them. They look great in a salad. They taste good on their own. They work on sandwiches. And that's about it. But they aren't exciting me in any way. I'm ashamed to say, my knowledge of food is limited. Okay, I think I boast about it but the point is I'm asking for guidance.

So, I turned to my personal food bible (I know putting the word Bible on something not involving Jesus might offend some of you but I'm sorry you will just have to keep your personal beliefs to yourself. Everyone is different and that is that). Eat This, Not That Supermarket Survival Guide is one of my favorites so I think a few times a month I will share some awesome stuff I have gleaned from this helpful book. I like it because rather than telling me NO, it says well these are the better options and these are the worst. Now make your decision accordingly. Why am I bringing it up on my fruits and veggies blog? Well, because David Zinczenko very nicely helps me navigate the produce section. Do I get it? Of course not. But do I feel slightly more informed. YES. So, it's February and I thought I would help you (and myself by sharing with you) make some great decisions in the produce aisle by sharing Chapter 2 of the book!

apples
Who doesn't love apples? Seriously, there is a kind for everyone. My siblings and I had this discussion during a photo shoot at one point and all of us like a different type (I'm a red apple kind of person if you must know). Sometimes when I look at the apple barrel though I feel overwhelmed and frustrated by the options. When choosing an apple, go with a firm apple that is "heavy" for its size. Typically, smaller apples pack the most flavorful punch. Peak season begins in September and ends in May so not only will the apples be delicious during this time but the prices should be lower as well. Keep them in a plastic bag in your crisper where they will remain fresh for several weeks (whoops I have the plastic bag part down but not the crisper). Helps with heart health and cholesterol.

avocados

Avocados are not something I purchase or even eat regularly. Some people like guacamole. I am not one of those people. However, when I'm at a restaurant and they come on a sandwich I will sometimes leave them on the order. When they aren't oozing out the sides I can handle them. Diced in a cobb salad and mixed in with everything else I can tolerate them. When you pick them up at the grocery store you want to pick one that is firm to the touch. Steer clear of mushy spots and avocados that "rattle". Luckily, they are in season year round and they help lower cholesterol.

bananas

I love bananas. I try to eat one every morning before or after a workout. They are great drizzled with chocolate as a desert. I love them in my cheerios. They add a lot to a protein shake. And I can eat them all by themselves too. Bananas are ripe when they have uniform yellow skin with small brown freckles. If you like your bananas sweet, this is the time to pick them up. They are available year-round and should be stored on your counter, away from direct heat or sunlight if they are unripe. Ripened bananas can be stored in your fridge. Bananas contain B6. Which helps you think well and stuff.

broccoli

I wish I liked this stuff but there is something extremely unappealing about eating something that effectively resembles a bush. Not only that but they get stuck in your teeth. So, I won't be buying them but you might so here goes. Pick up broccoli that has rigid stems with floret clusters that are deep green or tinged purple. Peak season runs from October to May. They last a week in a plastic bag in your fridge. Apparently, I need to add these to my diet because they contain Sulforaphane which I shall henceforth call "Missile S" for it's seek and destroy properties. Eradicating cancerous cells one floret at a time.

cabbage

Also, not on my grocery list. The stench of cooked cabbage (thanks Mark) makes me want to vomit. But if you enjoy the stuff pick up tightly pack, crisp and deeply hued leaves. Peak season i year round (lucky you). Keep it in a tight plastic bag and store in the fridge. Should last you about ten days. 1 cup contains more than half your vitamin K requirement.

carrots

These are another one of those veggies that I don't buy but will take them on a menu item. I prefer them shaved over a salad if at all. Anyway, since they are year round I should really add them to my home menu. Pick up bright orange carrots that have bright green tops because they are your freshest bet. Store them in plastic in your crisper and you should get 3 weeks out of them. Eat carrots to help fight off infections.

celery

I have no idea why I don't eat more of these. I love celery. Especially with hot sauce. Someone remind me to pick that up next time I hit the grocery store. Anyway, celery is great year round and can be kept in your fridge for up to 2 weeks in a plastic bag. Be sure to pick up solid, tight stalks with few cracks and no yellowing leaves. The darker the celery, the stronger the flavor. Eat these to stave off future bouts with Alzheimer's.

garlic

If someone else cooks it, I eat it. But I don't buy this at all. Just adds to the complexity of cooking and since I have already lit my apt on fire I don't need anything to make it more difficult. Anyway, when shopping for these look for bulbs that feel heavy. They should have tightly closed cloves that remain firm when pressed (gently people!). They are in season all year. Be sure to keep them in a dark, well- ventilated place and they will last you a month. Apparently, it helps fight cancer and stomach ulcers.

grapefruit
Considering this is what most skinny bitches swear by for breakfast, this should be a staple on my grocery list. But it's not due to the simple fact that I don't have that special spoon with the groves that you need to eat them. Find heavy ones with thin skin. You want it to be slightly responsive to a squeeze. They peak from October to June and can be stored in the fridge for two to three weeks. 1 cup has 120% of your vitamin C needs and contains anticancer lycopene.

kale

Personally, I don't eat the shit and I don't understand why restaurants think it adds a damn thing to the aesthetic value of a dinner plate but apparently it must have some merit. Since it is in season year round I'm including it on here. Look for Kale that is a dark blue-green color with moist leaves (the book says jaunty as well which gave me a chuckle). Keep it in the fridge, tightly wrapped. Be sure to pierce the bag for ventilation and you should get 3 to 4 days out of it. Helps protect against vision loss. Damn, I should have been eating this at age 8.

leeks

I tried these for the first time at PF Changs and I don't know how they cook them but damn I liked them. Since I doubt I could recreate the delicious meal I've yet to purchase any but if you care to then they are peaking year round. Be sure to pick up leeks with green, crisp tops. The root should be white and unblemished. Wrap them loosely and keep them in the fridge for a week. Vitamins A, C and K as well as lutein and manganese can be found in them.

lemons

Year round. Do nothing for me except help with some of the most delicious shots I imbibe (example chocolate cake shot). You want bright colored lemons with smooth, thin skin. Keep them refrigerated for 2 weeks. Apparently, there is a possibility that they can help fight cancer.

lettuce: romaine


This is my favorite kind of bagged lettuce. I have never bought it fresh before. Whoops. If I was going to buy it properly, I would look for crisp leaves free of browning edges and rust spots. Romaine is awesome year-round and should be kept in plastic in the fridge. Lasts 5 to 7 days. Great for getting vitamin K into your diet which is good for bone health.

mushrooms

I'm pretty sure I liked these as a kid but I'm thinking a bad experience in college ruined them for me. If you are card-carrying mushroom fan (like my mom) then pick up firm caps that are not slimy or riddled with dark soft spots. They peak from November to April. Place them on a flat surface, cover with a damp paper towel and store in the fridge for 3 to 5 days. Polysaccharides. Look up what that is because I'm too lazy to type it.

onions

Sometimes, I like these. Other times I cannot stand them. I know I'm weird but at least at times I ingest them. They are good year round so long as you pick ones that are nicely shaped with no swelling. Look for a dry, crisp outer skin. Keep them in a cool dark location away from potatoes for 3 to 4 weeks. Helps fight bone loss and cancer.

papayas

I have no idea if I like these. They seem super exotic which sounds fun at first but then not so fun. Whatever, pick up papayas that are beginning to turn yellow and have somewhat yielding flesh when lightly squeezed. Blotchy papayas usually have the most flavor. Be sure to eat ripe ones immediately or store in a fridge for up to three days. They are in season year round and include fiber and vitamins A, C, E and K.

pears

If you like pears, pick them up now because they peak from August to February. Look for some softness at the stem end. Skin should not have bruising but may be browning. Ripen them at room temperature and then stick them in the fridge. They contain fiber and vitamin C so long as you eat the skin.

I'll try to update this in a month with some more that are in season starting in March so you (and I) have more to choose from. Any suggestions on how to trick myself into eating veggies would be awesome so shoot them my way in the comments section!