WTF!?!? UPDATE

Bitches, get excited! The ladies of WTF is Up with My Love Life are definitely coming and I have a lovely update for you! Yesterday, Loren and Jess contacted Hot Mess and I to let us know the dates and some key events so I'm sharing them with you (please for the love of God people, don't stalk me though. I really don't want to have to relocate to avoid you).

Dates: December 16-18 ( I know, such a short window and you're as bummed as I)

Events:

• On Camera Interviews December 16th. Jess and Loren will be trolling the streets of Atlanta to find out our generation's thoughts on love, gaggles, sex and non-dates. Be sure to be out and about and don't be shy if a microphone and camera are shoved in your face (I included a video from Austin that they sent us so you can check it out).
• Promotional Bar Crawl December 16th. Jess and Loren will be hitting all the major ATL bars with stickers and business cards. They'll be chatting up the locals for ideas and feedback and spreading the word.
• Blog Reading at Bound to Be Read Books on December 17th. Wine and snacks and blog reading and discussion. It's going to be a great time!

Sounds like fun doesn't it?!?! Mark your calendars and join me and Hot Mess for some fun the weekend of December 16th-17th! Plus, Hot Mess and I will be attending a charity event December 17th at Sweetwater Brewery so be sure to follow us over there for tours of the facility and booze!

Stories From When We Were Young...

So, I'm in the process of relocating and in doing so, I've had to cull through some boxes of stuff. I've stumbled across some great letters and notes between my friends and I that absolutely HAVE to be shared. For that, I apologize to them. This one comes from back in October of 2003 and I'll skip through the crap and get right to the meet of the letter:

Remember Matty*? Looks like Matt Dillon but light brown hair. Yeah, well, if not he's the one I made out with and then felt bad and tried to convert me. Well, he came over to watch a movie almost a month ago and we didn't watch any movie. We started making out. Yeah, started to have sex because I had apparently gotten him very excited by not doing much. Yeah, definitely wasn't even a minute man. It was like 25 seconds. Hump Hump Hu- and he came. NO JOKE!! It was horrible. And he said that, not me. I felt bad for him. It had been so long since he's had sex he came in 25 seconds. It wasn't enough that I wasn't turned on at all. So I wasn't upset. But we decided that he just shouldn't come over anymore because he always ends up feeling bad. I saw him a week later and usually he gives me a hug. Nope, I got a high five. I thought that was hilarious. Doesn't answer my ims either. I think he thinks I'm going to ask him to come over. NO. Especially if we're gonna hang out and then he's gonna try to make out with me and then feel bad. That's not ok. Especially when he comes in like 25 seconds! WHO DOES THAT? Matty, apparently.

*Names changed to protect the innocent.

No Place Like the Bed of a Truck

Do you have a place you go just to get laid? I don't intentionally go to mine, but every time I have gone to a particular bar (which I plan to cover in a different post) I always end up going home with someone.

Or just as far as the car.

The Whatever and I had been, well....whatever for a while when we decided to go into downtown Atanta from his townhouse in the burbs. We met up with some of his buddies and got dinner and watched the Arizona State- UGA football game. Then we went and caught Who's Bad. We won the game and The Whatever and I were TRASHED. At the end of the night, we had lost the group and thought we would just go grab his keys from the valet and figure it out from there. Unfortunately, we thought wrong.

The valet had closed up shop and left a sticker on the car stating we would need to pick our keys up at 11 am the following morning.

Not that I remember any of this.

You see I woke up at 8 am fucking FREEZING with the sky above me and NO FUCKING PANTS ON.

NO PANTS ON!?!?!

I immediately did the Did I just have Sex last night check and discovered.... Yes, Yes I did.

I woke up in the bed of The Whatever's Toyota Tacoma with no fucking pants on, shivering my ass off in the back parking lot of a fucking bar.

Yes, yes, I am a slut.

The best The Whatever and I can figure is we got back and discovered we couldn't get his keys (where the fuck would we have gone anyway?) and then I ran through my phone for friends in Atlanta. None of who picked up that were willing or able to drive. We decided we would sleep in the bed of the truck and get the keys when the valet showed up in the morning. Well... I don't know if you've ever tried sleeping in the bed of a truck but let me tell you...

IT'S NOT FUCKING COMFORTABLE. AT ALL.

And I was horny. And drunk enough not to give a shit where we had sex or who saw me. Hell, he could have stripped me in the bar and I would have said, "Yes, please, may I have another."

From the random, black out flashbacks that have returned to me slowly, we tried cuddling as comfortably as possible and then after a few minutes decided we might as well take advantage of this ridiculous situation and fuck. So... we did. It was messy and so not comfy and I think in the end I had to ride him to hell and back so we could finish. I had bruises on both knees and elbows (apparently we tried doggy style?). But damnit, I know for a fact that I am the only girl my Whatever has fucked in the bed of a truck in the back parking lot of a bar. Classy? Not so much. Memorable (even through a drunken blackout)? Fuck yes.

So you're probably wondering how that story ended, huh? Turns out the valet doesn't return to that parking lot. And you can't get the keys from the location he does go to until 11. We ended up at Ihop trying to sleep in a booth and giggling because we had sex in a parking lot and didn't get caught. Then we got kicked out of Ihop and had to return to the truck to wait 2 more hours. Then we realized we didn't know where the fuck the keys would be. Two hours later we figured it out and walked a mile to get the keys and a mile back to the truck. Suffice to say after we drove 30 minutes home, we crashed in his bed and then ordered chinese and a movie.

Have you broken in the bed of a truck before? Sex in a parking lot? Would you be embarrassed by this story or ashamed (I'm fucking ecstatic. I think it's awesome.)?

Adam is definitely NOT boring...and other odds and ends

Okay, I admit, I am FAILING my blog these days. In my defense I have a lot of shit going on. Plus I have the post- half marathon BLUES. Seriously, my body and I seem to be at war about what to do next. It wants to sleep and I want to rock'n'roll. Like do SOMETHING. Unfortunately, a pinched nerve in my lower back is preventing me from doing a whole hell of a lot. Which doesn't leave me much to blog about except...

Oh yeah, Adam of I Am Boring fame won a sweet subscription courtesy of ME and blogged about it. Let me just say, if Adam keeps up these types of photo shoots his site might crash and it will need to be renamed because it is anything but boring. His wife is a lucky woman judging from these photos.

In other news, yesterday was a big day for me. First, I had my first personal training session in two weeks. Whew it was like I had never worked out before. Drill Sergeant Cassandra put me through the paces and while I felt fine during and afterward...today? Not so much. Yeah, my legs and ass could really use a massage. I wanted to ask my gym crush to handle that for me but the gym doesn't afford much privacy for rub downs. Back to yesterday, I also signed a lease on my new apartment in Atlanta! Instead of being on the outside looking in, I will be on the inside looking out. Probably, I'll end up hating my decision but whatever the apartment is GORGEOUS. I will post pictures as soon as I move in (which is sadly like a month away).

Today I read Self (yes, I am a magazine whore) and found some interesting shit in there. It's like Self has decided "fuck it, these women will do what they want so why not spin it into some positives?" I like your style Self magazine. There might have to be a giveaway soon so you guys can adopt the same attitude. Heather, still waiting on a few pieces but the bulk of it is in and boxed nicely. Though I may have to decorate the box a la Pretty Whimsical. Way to step up the game!Anyway, some gems mined from the pages of this months Self:

• Fueling up with Protein pre-workout can speed up your metabolism (thank god for my GNC shakes. Maybe I should review those sometime for you people).
• Running seem harder for you and than for your pal?(ahem, Barbie) It's in your DNA!
• Check out there Self Healthy Food Awards. I just made over my entire shopping list.
• Anyone watch the Olympics? My love (I have a lot of them) Apolo Anton Ohno yawns A LOT before his race. Turns out, he's not just doing it as his own mental quirk to get prepared for a race. Brain scans reveal that yawning activates areas responsible for social awareness and feelings of empathy. The oxygen you take in during a yawn actually helps you stay focused!
• Healthy people have more sex and its better (ummmm because they are hotter? that's my assumption).
• There is a whole article about doing the dirty deed like a guy. Revamp your mentality about sex and your whole life will be better. I really like their advice to expect an orgasm every time.
• Looking for some honesty? Ask direct questions in a well-lit room and that's what you'll get.
• If you want to have babies, steer clear of the article on childbirth. The girls story is scary enough to keep me far from that ledge.

Also, I am going to make more of an effort to blog on the reg. Unfortunately, I am pretty ambitious about my blogging and the three separate blogs take up some serious time. If only I didn't have a job....

Oh Shit! We Got a Situation...

Yes, I just quoted "The Situation"...as in that douchebag from MTV's Jersey Shore who thinks he can rap for some reason. Yes, I love his song. It is so damn ridiculous and so many people can't even make it through one listen that I find it obnoxiously entertaining. Hey, you have Miley...I have The Situation.

Dear readers, please don't hate me for this but when I say, "Gym Crush and I are going to cheat on his wife." I'm just being honest. The body wants what the body wants. And fuck if I'm going to tell it that it can't have that hot piece of ass in it's bed if it wants it. Or anywhere else for that matter. What's that saying about opportunity knocking again?

Why am I telling you this?

Well, I took a little hiatus (as you could tell by my lack of postings) to go deal with some family shit and upon my return Gym Crush has been getting on the machines right next to me for his cardio workout. The gym is damn near empty, there are 200+ machines and he gets right next to me. And I can feel him glance over at me. A lot. I even caught him once.

And then today...BAM!

He has begun laying the foundation all cheatin' spouses lay, brick by brick like they are building model homes. It never fails.

Ashley Judd gets played by Greg Kinnear in Someone Like You.

That's right, he mentioned his marriage and how tired he was and how he almost got a hotel room last night instead of going home. Insert huge gasp here. I flat out asked if he and his wife were fighting...and he didn't say yes, but he didn't say no either. Masterfully played, he left me thinking he was in an unhappy marriage but too respectful to flat out admit he wanted out. How sorry I should feel for him!

"Your so easy to talk to. Not like my new cow."

"I just try so hard and I'm sure she doesn't mean to be such a cold cow."
-Greg Kinnear as Ray in Someone Like You

As if all of that weren't enough... this might be moving at an accelerated pace soon.

I told Travis that I was relocating and may not come to the gym anymore depending on my contract. When I ran out to the car to grab him a business card for the guy who found me my apartment, he apparently told Gym Crush I was moving. I came back in and Travis yelled, "Gym crush is sad you're leaving too!" (Obviously, he didn't call him gym crush) I started laughing and asked if he would miss me and he said he definitely would. I was probably glowing and I don't give a damn. I love feeling loved. Especially by an attractive guy.

He continues to flirt with me in front of a solid 10 people standing at the counter making it glaringly apparent. Sexual tension is just whipping around. He asks me how I'm wearing long sleeves and tells me he's getting hot just looking at me. I laugh and tell him he doesn't have to make shit up to tell me I'm hot. I already know it. He winks at me and laughs. Oh man, I. AM. IN. TROUBLE.

Gym Crush then tells everyone I carry a pillow and blanket around in my car so I can crash anywhere. I mean fucking YELLS it. So what if it's true? And why does he know this? I go to push him when I tell him to shut up and touch solid pectoral muscle. The kind that would feel AHHHHHMAZING in bed. Damn, not too hard but not too soft and definitely there. I'm getting wet at work just thinking about it right now.

Of course, this wouldn't be fair if I didn't tease him back a little. So I proceed to tell him I didn't need it Friday night when I was having sex in a cop car. Just to show him I'm kinky, you know. Like a bat signal for cheating.

Thoughts? Judgements? Advice?

This ones for Luau...and Ashley...and Anna...and Ava.. and that Cop from Spring Lake

No, my July 4th wish list did not come to fruition (mainly because while floating in the middle of a semiprivate cove, my options for randos was pretty limited) but I had a great time anyway. Besides, had it actually I occurred I could whole-heartedly say that I am a giant slut. No, really. Why?

Well, three years ago, on July 3rd, I almost got a DUI. I could get into details but that is something better said on Life in Shambles than this blog. Long story short, the cop let me go. You may be wondering why on earth he would do so...well, I'm assuming he was tired of arresting idiots like me. Or maybe he found me amusing. Or perhaps, and this is the most likely, he was attracted to me. GASP.

Now, back then, I did not think he was attracted to me but it all became glaringly apparent this past weekend as I was biking home from the bars. Because once again, the blue lights were flashing behind me. Now picture this, I am wearing red shorts and a black tank top. I have a fucking back pack on like I'm heading off to camp. And I'm riding a bike that is clearly too big for me. I can't exactly just STOP riding. In fact, the only way I can pull over is to basically throw myself into a bush. That's right, my smooth move was to veer my fathers bike right into a fucking bush and pray I'd be able to get it off me when it came time to get my ass back up. This is not the first time I had tried this maneuver though the time before it resulted in a significant gash on my knee. Anyway...

Cop gets out of the car and basically hauls me. I'm not even talking to him for a full minute when he just starts cracking up. Turns out, Officer Eye Candy had let me go on that dui three years ago. I made such a fantastic impression that he actually remembers me (as does the cab driver he paid to take me home by the way). So, not only am I mortified by the fact that I just threw my ass into a bush in order to dismount a bike. But now I'm horrified that my luck would have the same damn cop be the one to witness this. He was very impressed with the fact that I had skipped the car and gone for the bike. As my luck would have it, he was coming off his shift and was hungry. I had the drunk munchies so when he not only offered me a ride home but also food, I hopped right on it.

Clearly, drinking will overcome all types of mortification. That and a sexy man in uniform.

Officer Eye Candy strapped my bike to his bike rack and let me into the front seat of the cop car (not the first time I have sat there believe it or not). We grabbed food at a dinner and had a great chat. On the ride home, my courage was at an all time high because I boldly looked at the cop I had spent the past two hours flirting with and said:

"You know, I've never had sex in a cop car before."

NO shame. NONE. What the fuck. Whore. Anyway, turns out Officer Eye Candy hadn't had sex in his cop car either. And since it was my last night in town, there was no time to wait. So what if he now thinks I'm a hussy. I HAD SEX IN A COP CAR BITCHES. It wasn't as sexy as it sounds. It was actually more funny than anything but it was fun. And I can check it off my bucket list of places to have sex. And people to have sex with come to think of it. I know you want to know the mechanics of this whole thing but I'll just leave you with this thought....they REALLY don't make cars like they used to. And that, my friends, is a damn shame.

Anyone else see fireworks in the bedroom over the 4th of July weekend?

4th of July To Do List

In honor of the Birth of America, I feel as though a serious celebration of epic proportions is in order. One that includes making some fairly shitty decisions. This thought process is fully backed by my friend Ava so with that in mind I began to compile my list. In order of least important to most:

1. Get fucking drunk. Drunk as piss. So drunk, I can't tell my vagina from my asshole (oooohhhh there could be a lucky man there!)
2. Show my TITTAYS (yes, Ashley, that is for Ray Ray). I relish the idea of pretending I'm a hot piece of ass on a boat showing myself off in the trashiest way I know how.
3. Be a beerpong/boucce ball/flip cup champ. Or just a drinking game champ. Whatever.
4. Ohhh who wants to come up with a sexual, American themed check list a la a bachelorette party? Except this is in honor of the birth of America and the singledom of myself!
5. Show the world some love...specifically Americans. More specifically American Men. Most specifically Hot American Men. All those in favor of making out with as many men as my drunk, topless ass can find say AYE. Or don't. Whatever.
6. Sex. On the beach. On a boat (but not Ashley's dads). In my car. I want to have sex in a manner that Dr. Suess could be proud of. As in, rhyming. And with a random, annoyingly pushy man.

What (or WHO?) is on your 4th of July To Do List?

Make Out...Hook Up...Sex

Okay, I'd like to start a discussion here because I always wonder what people's thoughts are on this topic. I'll go first.

Make Out- This seems very obvious. More than one or two long, intense kisses shared between two individuals. Some above the clothing stroking and petting can occur during this interlude. Generally takes place on a couch, in a movie theatre, in a car or anywhere else people aren't completely comfortable getting it on.

Hook Up- Clothing is coming off, but full on sex is NOT occuring. Fingering, blow jobs, going down on and just general foreplay happen here. Anywhere semi-private will do. Or if you're drunk or horny enough, anywhere at all.

Sex- Hello tab B, meet slot A. Includes vaginal and anal sex.

Why did this thought come to me? Well, I recently "hooked up" with a guy I've met a few times through friends. And by hook up, I mean exactly what I said above. There was some intense making out both on a boat and in my car and some serious fondling, licking and sucking. At no point, did sex occur. And yet, when other people discuss it amongst themselves I know they will term it hooking up and others will think we had sex. It doesn't bother me overly much except that sex is sex in my opinion and there is no need to call it hooking up.

What are your thoughts? Do you use other terminology for sex talk or do you call a spade a spade?

Well This is Interesting...

Apparently, Friends with Benefits (FOBs) are biologically engineered so it really cannot be blamed on us. I can't help it if evolutionarily guys are going to want to have sex with their female friends at some point. It also makes me wonder which of my guy friends has thought about sex with me...and why have they ultimately not tried to make it happen?

Where did I get this information? Well, a blogger at How Stuff Works has been delving into the Friends with Benefits topic as it relates to When Harry Met Sally. Can men and women really just be friends? Check out her take and then come back here and let me know your thoughts!

Proving Love is Blind...

This guy (Thomas Jane of "hung" fame)

gets horizontal(like so)

with this woman (Patricia Arquette of "medium" fame)

Why has this not happened to me before? Okay, sometimes she manages to look decent and she's got a huge rack so points to her there. Other than that, she's not anything special and that horrid haircut she sports with the severe bangs and bob really ruins any chance at being marginally attractive. That and her terrible sense of fashion. On the other hand, Mr. Jane is hot. And has a banging body. I am marginally attractive and mildly horrifying on a bad day.

Mr. Gyllenhaal the ball is in your court.

Take Care Of Your Girl Before Someone Else Does...

"Jaw on the fing floor!!  Literally mouth open and gasped."   LT

"Glad I could help someone get laid" Hip J

"Take care of your girl before someone else does."  All things I heard after I cheated.  No need to cover it up or make it seem less then it was.  I cheated on him.  It's an appropriate blog considering Berryfine's April 27th post.  Well he wasn't married, but it was cheating.  After all the complaining and blogging, I went somewhere else.  Do I feel guilty?  No.  Judge me all you want.  I don't know you and if I do then I don't fucking care.  Go fuck yourself because I got hot, sweaty, nasty SEXXX.  This is going to sound juvenile but he (the boyfriend) started it.

Have you ever had the kind of sex that with just one thought makes you wet?  The touching, biting, leg shaking experience that you want to re-create over and over and over again?  The common question you hear among cheaters and cheatees is "Was it work it?" WELL FUCK YEA!  Yea it was!  My vag is pulsing thinking about it?  Have you ever had a vag pulse?  NO?!  Well then you need to think about the last time that you were really FUCKED!  I'm not talking about love making.  There is a time and a place for that.  This is not that time or that place.  The following week I couldn't taking to him without Vicky knowing alllll of my secrets.  He, who we will call Mr. XX, is no random.  I've known him for years.  Have you ever had a guy/girl you could have dated but you picked A over B?  Well he was B from when Boyfriend and I started dating four years ago.  Mr.  XX knows I have a boyfriend.  In fact they're in rival fraternities and for a while Mr. XX never let me forget it.

I've stayed away from a few of his advances (even after the boyfriend cheated) over the years but this time I made the move.  I was sick of no sex.  I tried.  We talked, I asked, walked around butt ass fucking naked and even pulled out the sexy panties.

I was in Atlanta to visit a friend for the weekend (Hip J) and so I could fly out of town for work the following week.  Hip J is very current on my situation.  We used to work together and e-mail damn near daily.  She was all about making things happen.  She was so about it she let me take sleeping on her pull out couch one step further.  Mr. XX was just as open to the idea.  "What do I need to bring?" Condoms.  "I'll call you when I'm close."  There was some sexting in between and and the words 'fuck' and 'dick' might have been thrown around.   He waisted no time when he got inside the apartment.  His clothes came off and when my pants came down he had one question..."AisforAwesome why won't yo man smash (fuck)?" If I knew that Mr. XX then I'd be getting laid.  "Well AisforAwesome I wanna wake up to it".

It was like a Trey Songz video.  Have you seen the "Neighbors Know My Name" video?  I'm surprised that Hip J didn't wake up.   All the things I wanted and some things that I didn't think of happened ("Tell me you love it").  I now know that with a little more of the yoga I've been doing that I'll be able to get my feet to my ears without his help.  We had sex twice that night and once again the next morning.  It was ah-maaa-zing.  Just the ass smacking, hair pulling (his and mine), leg shaking, toe curling sex that I needed.

Excuse me...I think I'll go sext someone now.

Do You Date United Colors of Benetton Style?

Okay, so after I started browsing the internet, I realized that even Benetton puts more white people in their ads than other races but you get my point. I bring this up because of the now infamous "Phat Pussy" Block and a story my Gym Crush shared with me. Which got me thinking about the topic of interracial dating.

So apparently, at another Gold's Gym, Block developed a thing for another female (white and who may or may not have had a fat pussy). Block, being the direct guy he is, approached her and asked her out. She responded with an honest if not politically correct answer:

I don't date black guys.

Apparently, Block went off on her in the middle of the gym and some of his buddies had to calm him down. Gym crush said he never saw the girl there in the mornings again. That location closed and they started coming to mine and now Block is fixated on me.

But the point of my post is not Block, it's the I don't date black guys comment. Let me give you a quick rundown description of the guys I have slept with:

1. Jim- blond hair, blue eyes


2. Tony- Brown hair, hazel eyes


3. Spring break guy- brown hair, blue eyes


4. Lucian- black hair....green eyes? maybe hazel or brown.


5. Michael- brown hair, brown eyes


6. Lance- brown hair, blue eyes


7. Ryan- brown hair, blue eyes


8. Chris- Brown hair, brown eyes


9. Matt- brown hair, blue eyes?


10. Christian- brown hair, brown eyes


11. Scott- brown hair, blue eyes


12. Craig- blond hair, blue eyes


13. Touchdown Tommy- blond hair, green eye

So, I am not a colors of the world dater. I don't know why. I find plenty of black guys attractive (hello Taye Diggs!) but not sexually attractive for whatever reason. I have no idea if this is the norm and I hope it doesn't make me racist. If it does, its my subconscious talking. And my body because I do not get wet when I see hot black men. I think, damn, I know a few girls I can hook that guy up with!

So, have any of you dated across ethnicities/races? Do you recommend it? Do you judge people who do or don't? Tell us your thoughts!Don't be afraid to post anonymously either ;)

What does it take?

What does it for someone to get you naked?  For you to go from 0 to 90 and get it on ASAP?  Must he or she whisper sweet nothings into your ear?  Rub you in all the right places?  Talk dirty?  A sext message or two?  Hey!  Don't act like you've never done it!  If you haven't then find that dirty sexy little someone and try it out.  I sure have one and boy is he FUN.  ;)  Great form of safe sex that won't get ya preggers.  That's another post though.  I'll write about that another time.  Remind me Berryfine!  If this person messes up in their attempt to get you naked, do they get another try that night?

I've written about my drought.  About all the times I wished I was having sex with my boyfriend instead of becoming more familiar with my sex toys.  After another two or three week wait the time had arrived!  He wanted to have sex!  Let me set the scene for you...

The lights are off and the two of use have been laying in bed for a little under an hour.  The only light in the room is from that episode of Law and Order he put on tv.  (Nothing like the "doink, doink" and a SVU crime to get you in the mood.)  We have new pillows and soft organic cotton sheets so I'm in comfy bed heaven.  I'm right at the line of being asleep and awake when poke, poke (with his finger, NOT his penis) "I think we should have sex."

You think we should have sex?  Did that just happen?  Did he just poke me as if we're in line at Kroger together and it's time to check out?  Dammit!  Where did the sexy pick up moves go?  Where's the game?  This made me wonder for just a sec how he ever got me in bed in the first place.  Then I remembered...I was 21, drunk, and there was panty dropping music* playing.  They practically jumped off my body.  Could he at least have felt me up instead of POKING me in the arm?  At least a poke with his penis would have been playful and fun!  Still lets keep my arm out of it though.  UGH MY ARM!  When is that ever a good way to get someone out of their clothes?  Especially during a drought.  I can get going quickly but really?  Really?!  Couldn't think of something sexy to say?  Fine.  Don't say anything at all.  Just touch me.  He knows, or used to know the parts where I like to be touched.  Guess what...they haven't changed!  In fact they're kinda lonely.  Touch them.  Just one?

Sadly for him and for my vagina, he did not get another try.  That poke pissed me the fuck off.  In fact I told him to leave me the hell alone.  Just because I'm horny and we don't do it on the regular anymore doesn't mean that you should half ass shit.  You don't half ass anything else.  Don't half ass my lovin'.

So Little Black Book readers...what does it take?

*I posted this blog after work with a glass of wine.  After the wine and a little panty dropping music I'm ready.   Poke, poke.  Shit!  Damn you Aunt Flo!  I'm going to drink more.

Would You Cheat With A Married Man?

With all the cheating scandals out there these days (hello Tiger, Jesse and allegedly Reggie) and a wealth of magazines to blow them up, the idea of cheating has been on my mind a lot lately. That may be due to the fact that I’m more wondering about the “ladies” these sleezeballs are sleeping with. I use the term “ladies” loosely because let’s face it not one of them has a shred of dignity (except maybe Rachel who parlayed her cheating into a million dollar settlement to keep her mouth shut, a job as a correspondent and possibly a role on the next season of Dancing With the Stars). As you can tell, I read a lot of gossip.

Anyway… I know there are instances where the other woman could have been duped into sleeping with a married guy buy how often? And where was their supposed innate sense of intuition that is so touted about women? I think you can definitely tell if a guy is off the market. If not right away, then pretty quickly. So I had to ask myself, would I ever knowingly help a man cheat on his wife? I say wife because there is a permanency to that promise and exchange of vows that the other woman really damages. Rather than a couple, she has the opportunity to really do some serious damage to a family, a career, friendships and a reputation.

I try to steer clear of saying I would never do something because

1. It’s more likely that I will (for instance, sometimes I don’t shave figuring it will stop me from being a ho. It doesn’t)
and

2. I’d be a hypocrite and you just don’t know what you would do in that situation until you’re knee deep in the shit with two options that both seem viable.

As you well know, I have a gym crush who recently had a baby. And I just discovered he IS married but doesn’t wear his wedding ring in the gym. He keeps it in his car, rather than the locker room and I would assume 9 times out of 10 that the guy is looking to cheat when the ring comes off but considering he’s mentioned her and their child to me multiple times without commenting on marital discord I highly doubt it. The fact is, despite his propensity to GTL, his wealth of piercings and tats, and his inexplicable taste in everything I hate in terms of style, he’s a genuinely nice and funny guy. Not to mention attractive with a body I’d love to run my hands all over. So, I cannot definitively say, “NO, I’D NEVER DO THAT”. In fact, I’m pretty sure if he asked me to hang out away from the gym I would say yes. And if somehow that turned into something sexual, I have a feeling my conscience would put up a token resistance before succumbing to “This could be something you regret. But you might regret it more if you don’t let him just pound right into you.” I also wonder if I was having sex regularly if that would stop me or if I’m admitting to this because my vagina is begging for me to be slutty.

What about you guys? Have you/ Would you be the other woman? Maybe you are currently- no judgement here (in fact, tell us about it anonymously below!). Have you cheated on a boyfriend/spouse?

Pullin' A Perez

No, I'm not outing someone online (like it would matter with my 7 meager followers). For those of you not in the know, Perez is a celebrity blogger and when I say pulling a Perez I'm referring to his habit of yanking stories from other blogs and throwing in a couple of words here and there to make it sound as though he wrote it and slapping it into the blogosphere. It drives me nuts. I am more of a give credit where credit is due kind of gal. Obviously, since I am crediting my lovers with each of their shitty and not so shitty moments on this very blog.

ANYWAY...

Today, I was perusing one of my most favorite blogs from my most favorite paper, The New York Post, when what should I stumble upon? Why, a photo gallery with celebrity first time sex stories attached to it courtesy of my boys over at PopWrap! Loves it! Some of them you will be dying to know about- Megan Fox anyone?- others, not so much (ummm ew Steven Tyler, just ew on so many levels). So click on over there and enjoy. Leave me a comment telling me your fav!

Football and Sex go together like...

Okay, I have a confession to make. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit it. But, here goes:

I drink,drank,drunk wayyyyyyyy too much.

Not tonight, mind you. Just in general starting at age 18 and, well, maybe still going. Though I have cut down, quite a bit. The fact is, all that drinking, as well as maybe a dose of WTF WERE YOU THINKING, has maybe led to me conveniently forgetting about certain sexual partners. And, well, I blocked so much out of this next guy that I am about to cop to, that I don't even remember his name(meaning he wasn't on my list, meaning my number is larger. FUCK). Nor do I have a cutesy nickname for him so I guess I will have to come up with one on the fly. Ummm, we'll call him TD Tommy. Tommy is in no way a reflection of his actual name but I was hammered the two times we had sex so...whatever, judge me. I don't care.

What does this have to do with Sex or football? Well, I'm not going to lie, aside from my affinity for baseball boys, nothing turns me on more than manly men bashing the shit out of each other while wearing tight pants. Oh man, so hot. And G Day is tomorrow, so this seems like a good point to tell this story since UGA football is on my mind.

So, a few years ago I moved back to the Atlanta area after a stint at the Jersey Shore (sans Snookie and MTV). It was football season and as a UGA grad I was thinking, "Man, it is nice to be home". And by home I meant, around for UGA football season. Almost a year of abstinence had made me understandably horny. And my friend Jen, bless her, had all of us to her parents tailgate. Which would be where I met TD Tommy. TD Tommy was not a UGA grad, he was a UGA grad student and I want to say he went to VA Tech for his undergrad. He was about 6'0" with blond hair and blue eyes. He was entertaining me and I liked that. Plus he was cute. Obviously, I was going to hit on him whether I was drunk or not. However, sober I would not have had sex with him. Not that you, or I, really believe that but whatever.

Anyway, at some point before the game (UGA dominated OK State PS) our friend Michael spilled some red, and I mean RED, shit all over TD Tommy's khaki pants. Of course, now he has a gaggle of gals recommending how to get the red out of his pants. But none so bold as Ms. Berryfine, who offers to walk with him across the parking lot to his apartment and help him out. Did I know I was going to be a hussy? If I did, I ignored it because after stripping him of his pants, I actually did stick them in water to soak. Then I just happened to realize I had a half naked man in an empty apartment who apparently found me equally as attractive or just easy as hell in my easy access dress and drunken state. Note to other hussies, strapless dresses are ideal for fucking on the fly. No joke, easy access below, plus ability to tug top down for fondling of breasts. The guy had a great body and it was a fun little tailgate diversion. Some people play cornhole and beer pong, I fuck on the fly. Everyone has their own idea of fun.

Well, sex for a drunk gal whose been abstinent is like cat nip. Just the idea of it gets us going. And afterward, TD Tommy and I returned back to the tailgate and continued on like some serious orgasms had not just occurred less than 100 feet from the place our friends were drinking Jack and Coke and downing Pimento cheese sandwiches. In fact, TD Tommy and I continued to flirt and have a great time with no one at the tailgate the wiser. The game started and he went back to his apartment for the VA Tech game and I headed to a bar with some friends to watch UGA.

But, I just could not stop myself from thinking it was utterly ridiculous to think I could not have sex and watch football at the same time. I mean, they are two of my most favorite things. Why not combine them? So, with UGA in the lead and halftime looming, I booty called my newfound fuck buddy. Heyo, he said, come on over. That was the plan, TD Tommy. I notified one friend (the less judgemental one) of whose place I was going to and swore her to secrecy. I promised her I'd be back before the end of the game and headed out on foot to TD Tommy's place.

TD Tommy had a drink waiting for me (and this would be where fantasies of happily ever after would be woven) and both games on separate TVs since he knew I wanted to watch the UGA game. 99% of the time, nothing can distract me from the actual game. Except a penis. A willing penis. So with UGA in the lead and VA Tech making a surge, I unzipped TD Tommy's pants and began to go down on him. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm single. I mean, what more could a guy ask for than football and a blow job simultaneously? Apparently, VA Tech was doing well enough that TD Tommy thought he might like to reciprocate and now I got to attempt to watch football while a guy goes down on me(it is harder than I thought). An hour and a half later, we had moved from living room couch to his bedroom and he was hitting it from behind. And suddenly.

"FUCK" he curse, stopping.

Ummmm, excuse me? Why are you stopping? Before I can even vocalize this thought, TD Tommy is cumming. All. Over. My. Back. Someone (okay two someones) forgot to put a condom on between the living room and the bedroom. Oh, but it gets better. You know how guys can't seem to piss in a toilet bowl? Well, that same lack of aim apparently applies to ejaculation because HE CAME IN MY HAIR.

So much for pretending I didn't just have sex when I return to the bar. Of course, I'm drunk but not so drunk that I'm not flipping out. I'm sorry but cum in the hair is messy and disgusting and a major pain in the ass when you are fucking on the fly without a blowdryer to fix your hair. Needless to say, the game ended and I was sitting on the couch drinking a beer and waiting for my hair to dry when Jen banged on the door. Which turned into a shit show because apparently she had been trying to hook up with TD Tommy (her neighbor) for some time. So while she flipped her shit, I snuck out and headed downtown for more booze to erase the memory of TD Tommy. Until now.

So, thoughts? Am I as big of a hussy as recounting this story makes me feel? Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you deal?

I'm in LOOOVVVEEEE...

Okay, not really so don't get all excited and start picking out china designs for me! Instead, I wanted to talk about a common occurrence (from what I understand) of how love and sex get twisted around.

Yesterday, while working, I had on the first season of Samantha Who? and my favorite episode came on. Okay, maybe not my absolute favorite because I adored that show but the commentary on this episode is particularly funny and appropriate for this blog so I thought I would share and then maybe add my scattered thoughts to the mix. Samantha has sex for the first time since she has developed amnesia due to a hit on the head (its more involved than that but if you want to know more, rent the show on DVD and find out). She comes running into work to confide in her best friend that SHE.IS.IN.LOVE. LOVE. After a few weeks of dating and one week of sex. The reason I love this episode so much? Because it admits that even us "adult" women fall prey to this same phenomenon that we indulged in as "kids". But the best part of the episode, and possibly the most truthful part, comes courtesy of my favorite character Andrea.

"It is just biology! You have sex, your face gets flushed, you feel all warm and wonderful. It seems like LOVE but its actually just nature's way of telling you to stick your panties in your purse and RUN."

I love everything about Andrea- I want to be her!

Don't lie. We've all been here. We have fantastic sex and suddenly we're weaving fantasies about happily ever after. Very few times have we just approached sex in the logical, "Well that's done and it was fun" manner. For God's sake, The First and I had sex THEN started dating. Basically because we were having sex. Which is all well and good when you are in college, but as a grown-up? Not so much. Thinking back, I think every guy I've slept with has had a nice little love fantasy weaved about him. Except Penis Nano. Because who wants to be stuck with Penis Nano?

The First and I were going to move to NYC and live in a nice apt for a while. Then move to the suburbs and have a house with a wrap-around porch and rocking chairs. He'd work in PR and I would work for a magazine. And...well, how that fantasy died is for another day. Suffice to say, last I heard The First is living in bumfuck, GA after dropping out of law school and I'm working as a medical biller and living in metro-Atlanta.

Sometimes, we don't even have to have sex for me to fantasize about happily ever after. Let's face it, when you're single and jonesin' for someone you just can't help it. Sometimes, I pretend gym crush isn't in a relationship with a baby (or covered in tattoos) and imagine us dating...after he throws me into a shower and has sex with me of course. Got to wash off that grime.

What is it about sex for women that is directly linked to love? We obviously don't have to BE in love to have it (see my number of partners for evidence of this) but often times after having it, everything is so perfect and wonderful. It's easy to slip on the rose colored glasses and imagine that awesomeness just continuing in a neverending loop with that same person who just made you cum three times in a row. Ahhh pheromones.

What are your thoughts on this topic? Am I alone in fancying myself in Love (or very strong like) after sleeping with a guy?

Drunk Texting with Tray

Well everyone...I have not gotten laid since the last blog I wrote.  I believe we're at three weeks.  Could be longer.  Let's not think about numbers.  I've been chatting about this on and off with my best guy friend Tray and last night it became a drunk text conversation.  I spent the evening at an open bar engagement party.  Old men kept offering me drinks.  Post part we all went to the bar.  I definitely had shame face this morning when he reminded me how wasted I was.  I had a slight clue when the hangover hit me at 7 am and I chugged from the x large Taco Bell cup next to the bed but nothing explained my evening like the conversation below.  I didn't edit anything.  Took it straight from my phone...enjoy!


AE: Open bar engagement party...OH MY
TH: Oh my indeed
AE: Now were headed to the bar.  D is driving
TH: So he did go.  That's awesome
AE:  Yea it's an even bigger deal that he agreed to go out.  Will I get sex...NO
TH: Well
AE:  Well what?  I. Want. Sex!
TH:  Lmao I didn't know what to say
AE:  Lol well there's not much to say
TH:  Well
AE:  Well stop it
TH:  Lol my b
TH:  My cousin just told me that he is "turned on" by girls with slightly turn up noses.  WTF that's the shit I'm dealing with.  LOL
AE:  Lol ahahahahha that's crazy!  I know a cougar he can get.
AE:  D is literally standing in a corner right now while I drink with friends.
TH:  Oh
TH:  I'm bored as fuck.  I didn't want to go to wet willies with the rest of them.
AE:  Come to Macon.  D Sucks.
TH:  Lmao u can't say that about D.
AE:  I haven't gotten laid and he came out but won't talk to anyone.  Yes the fuck I can.  He didn't just win the super bowl.  He's a damn college frat boy that he's to step off his high horse.
TH:  Whoa.  Ummmmmm what to say lol ummmmmmm
AE:  What that it's true?!?!?!
TH:  Yea.  Lol so harsh but true.
TH:  U got pissed?
AE:  Not really.  It's true but nothing to get me pissed about.  I've kinda accepted that hrs lame.
TH:  Lmao can that personality trait be fixed?
AE:  Nope!!
TH:  So sad.  I used to think I was lame.  Not so much
TH:  Sooooo u think I'm lame?
AE: No no no!! Sorry I was on the bathroom and the then we left and got in an argument
TH:  That sucks
AE:  Yup :'(
AE:  Well...I asked.  Apparently we're not having sex because we haven't wanted it at the same time.
TH:  Well
AE:  Look.  I'll be honest.  I don't buy that shit.  My ass and boobs are at a ridiculous size.  Things should be slapped and jiggled like a music video.  What. The.  FUCK?!?!?!
TH:  ROTFLMAO what do u think it is?
AE:  I don't know.  I don't care anymore.  I just want a real answer so I can go get plowed by the guy from Sept.  He wanted me to come see him tonight
TH:  Whoa.  R yall splitting up?
AE:  IF I CANT GET SEX THEN WE MIGHT NEED TO
TH:  I'm pretty sure make up sex is the best.
AE:  Well then you turn him on for some make up sex.  I'll be laying naked with my legs open for him to slide home.
TH:  WTF. Whoa
TH:  I know it's not funny but I can't stop laughing
AE:   Hey you do what you can.
TH:  R u good?
AE:  Hey I laugh to keep from crying
AE:  No I'm not good!  I could get more sex OUT of a relationship!!!
TH:  Well
AE:  Well you know it's true
TH:  Yeah
AE:  I could be speaking in tongues.  Barking like a dog.  A big dog.  Small dog.  Dog with a lisp.
TH:  Lmao pure comedy
AE:  I masterbated twice before 3 pm today
TH:  TMI my friend TMI
AE:  Sorry...sorry.  My bad
TH:  LMAO
AE:  I mean what else should I do?! I could be really mean of I didn't find another way
TH:  IDK
TH:  We need to write a screenplay or TV treatment
TH: Or book series
AE:  I'm okay with it.
TH:  Ok with what?
AE:  Screenplay or tv
AE:  If I don't text you back it's bc I'm throwing up taco bell or Im asleep
TH:  Lol aight we will just call it a nite.
AE:  Ok...night!!!

I may need to go through the conversations on my phone and see if I've had any other drunk conversations like this.

No sex: Day 4

New blogger here on Little Black Book!  I'm Allyson and since Erin is my best friend I had no problem agreeing to write this when I shared the details with her this morning.  Basic info you'll need for this post.  I'm in a relationship and currently living with boyfriend of four years. 

Valentines Day has now come and gone.  I'm hoping that everyone fully enjoyed their day and keeping with the theme of this blog- GOT LAID!

Yesterday I returned from a trip with my boyfriend from Dallas, Tx for the 2010 All Star Game.  We flew out there Thursday morning and returned yesterday evening.  Between the time of our five day, four night stay in Texas I only had sex ONE TIME.  It wasn't even on Valentines Day.  Neither of us were sick or too drunk to make it happen.  At least if someone were too drunk that could have made for another interesting story.  I'm sure this doesn't seem like that big of a deal but it's becoming a pattern.  I don't know what to do!  Don't think I haven't made it known.  I'm pretty sure "Let's have sex" or "Let's get naked" is straight to the point.  Take off your clothes!  Just take off your pants...shit, just lay down and let me handle it!  Erin believes that he has gotten comfortable in the relationship.  Granted we have been together for a long time but doesn't the sex leave when marriage and babies get in the picture?  

There are only so many times that I can masturbate before it just isn't enough anymore!  It helps me sleep but it doesn't fill that need.  I don't even have to get up and leave the room.  He's a sound sleeper and I've taken care of myself right there in bed.  I don't know if I have a quiet one, but I've used a silver bullet right there next to him.  Moment of silence for that toy.  Damn cord broke.   It's getting to be really tough.  Especially on those days when it's late at night and I can't fall asleep.  Do you know what comes on late at night on HBO?  Real Sex.  Thank you HBO.  Thank you for showing me all these ugly people with small penises and saggy boobs getting ass.  At least the last episode was a little educational.  It was a sex recession show and you could learn how to make a budget friendly sex toy.  That is information for a different post on a different day.

Last night we read.  Isn't that sweet?  FUCK SWEET!  I don't live in a damn Nicholas Sparks book.  Well, he had his book and I had Club Dead, Book 3 of the Sookie Stackhouse series.  True Blood #3 for those of you who don't know.  Have you watched True Blood on HBO?   Scroll down to the Sex Dream post and look at that picture.  Those ass holes are who I see in my head as I read this book.  There is sex all over this book and I can't get any.  IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT!

I'm going to keep a tab on how long this shit lasts.  I counted back for the month of February and it's not looking good.

My First Time

Man, oh man, where would we be without our first time? Honestly, why would we even want to do it after that first time? Don't even pretend like it was good. Even with the passage of years, and faded edges, the memory still isn't your greatest sexual moment.

I was 19. A late bloomer compared to most of my friends- though not nearly as late as some of my others. It was February 17th and his name was The First. The First, in my opinion, was the cutest guy in Creswell dorm and I had been smitten with him since the first day of classes when he drunkenly stumbled down our hallway introducing himself to all the girls in 5D (and probably the rest of the dorm. Little did I know, he was...well, a womanizer).

The First had decided that night he was going to quit smoking and I was going to have to help distract him. What better way than sex? That was not planned, of course. We just sort of fell into it as these things generally happen. We had been friends for a little over a month as I would come sit outside and hang around with the smokers as they inhaled butt after butt and told dirty jokes and lies about everything from sex to drugs to rock 'n' roll. At midnight, The First crushed his last cigarette and walked away from the smokers table. We went inside and turned on MTV and just sat on his futon laughing and talking. As the night got later, we moved closer and suddenly he was tickling me (I am INSANELY ticklish though I try to pretend I am not). And just as suddenly I was semi-lying down and The First was staring at me like he had never seen me before. It was one of those moments women dream about: guy finally really LOOKS at girl and it is like he sees into her soul. Slowly, he bent to kiss me. And hours of kissing turned into everything else.

While I have blocked out the actual act, I do remember a few things.
1. His roommate was obviously gone and a few times I wondered if he would walk in on us and what he would do.
2. It was completely dark except for the glow of the TV.
3. MTV still played music videos at this point. Audioslave's new video for Like a Stone was playing for the 3 minutes of thrusting.
4. Afterward, The First stood up and with the glow of the tv behind him, looked like a young girl's fantasy of a Greek God.
5. The First grabbed a papertowel so I could clean up which might have been the most embarrassing moment of my life. Also, probably one of the sweetest.

Sometimes, I wonder what I was thinking. How had I come to the conclusion that he was the one? Why not Cole? Or Sam? Or any of the other guys who had come before him? And what of the things I remember made me continue to have sex with The First?

Was your first time better? Funnier? Send your story to mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com!