4th of July To Do List

In honor of the Birth of America, I feel as though a serious celebration of epic proportions is in order. One that includes making some fairly shitty decisions. This thought process is fully backed by my friend Ava so with that in mind I began to compile my list. In order of least important to most:

1. Get fucking drunk. Drunk as piss. So drunk, I can't tell my vagina from my asshole (oooohhhh there could be a lucky man there!)
2. Show my TITTAYS (yes, Ashley, that is for Ray Ray). I relish the idea of pretending I'm a hot piece of ass on a boat showing myself off in the trashiest way I know how.
3. Be a beerpong/boucce ball/flip cup champ. Or just a drinking game champ. Whatever.
4. Ohhh who wants to come up with a sexual, American themed check list a la a bachelorette party? Except this is in honor of the birth of America and the singledom of myself!
5. Show the world some love...specifically Americans. More specifically American Men. Most specifically Hot American Men. All those in favor of making out with as many men as my drunk, topless ass can find say AYE. Or don't. Whatever.
6. Sex. On the beach. On a boat (but not Ashley's dads). In my car. I want to have sex in a manner that Dr. Suess could be proud of. As in, rhyming. And with a random, annoyingly pushy man.

What (or WHO?) is on your 4th of July To Do List?