Checkkkkkk outtttt (drumroll please)... @warmyellowlight! Also known as that one girl. And yes, that is a piece of toast as her avatar. Her twitter bio reads the following:
I rock at loading dishwashers and taking liquid measurements. Come over and watch me in my glory. I dare you.
I suck at loading dishwashers and taking liquid measurements so I'm uber impressed by homegirl's skills. And with a keyboard and 140 characters...well, pure genius ensues.
- Question: If everyone on Twitter is single &/or sexually frustrated, then why aren't we all just having one big cuddle orgy?
- So, um... are any of you guys single? I'm asking for a friend. She has bewbs. You might like them.
- Last straw, dude. If you can't appreciate my vast knowledge of red-winged blackbirds, then it's time we started seeing other people.
- I'll tell you what: there's not much more thrilling in my life than a rapidly rising dew point.
- Middle-aged woman in her front yard selling lemonade? Yeah. Because THAT'S completely normal.
- I've been not wearing pants for four hours now. And the night is still young, my friends. The night is still young.
- Sorry I haven't tweeted in a couple days. I've been really busy almost having a life. And masturbating.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't get the memo that infidelity isn't funny anymore.
- In case any authorities or others read that and assume that I'm a "workin' girl," I'd like to point out that that tweet was mostly sarcasm.
- Congested in Virginia, both nasally and traffic-ally. But at least my texts are giving someone a boner
- Oh, Tumblr. You always make me want to masturbate.
- Here's the thing. From now on, I say what I want. And you can just deal with it AS USUALLY.
- Kentucky: Where it's apparently okay to drive down the interstate with the hatch of your minivan wide open despite many belongings inside.
- What this morning needs is more sex. Or any sex at all, really. What's a girl gotta do to get some sex around here? Offer tacos?
- The other day I read that the average couple has sex sixty times per year. I need to start hanging out with this average couple.
- Things I attract: Mosquitos. Bees. Gay men. Weird people. Assholes.
- Dudes with beards: Looking "trendy" while showing blatant disregard for their partners' sexual pleasure since wayyy too long.
- ZOMGGG If I make it through this day without throwing myself at a stranger and humping his leg vigorously it will be a freaking miracle.
- The urge to misbehave is strong in this one. Again.
- STOP. Snuggle time. Yes, with myself. It still counts, okay?
- Let's pretend life is a game of "Which adult can break out in the most zits in one day?" -- because lord knows I love to be a winner.
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