I WANT THIS!

Ummm who needs a water bra when you can purchase a booze bra?!?!

In the spirit of Thirsty Thursday, I thought I might make a list of places I would wear this bad boy. Here we go:

• Shopping. Some girls love it. Me, not so much. It may have to do with the fact that I am virtually penniless or perhaps the fact that the sizes those no talent clothing assholes expect us to fit into are UNREAL, but shopping for me is like a punishment. Online shopping on the otherhand...anyway, just think, dress is too tight in the boobs? No problem, suck some soco out of your tits. Dress is too big in the boobs, fill 'em up with some 151 (you know, so you'll take your time sucking the shit out).
• Sporting Events. I don't attend a ton of these but when I do go, JESUS, it's highway robbery how much these people charge us for beer! A beer, people! Even at a Gwinnett Braves game, the crap is JUST OUT OF my reach. So, I just pack accordingly by filling my bra up with some Coors Light. Kind of like those awesome blue mountains, my nipples will tell you if its Ice Cold. And college footballs games clearly don't serve booze which is a crime in itself. Don't get me wrong, I like a sober football game as much as the next guy (or gal as the case may be) but why be sober when you can be drunk? Plus think of all the ass I'd pull.
• PTA Meetings. Why the hell would anyone want to subject themselves to this. Look, I know one day I'm going to think my little snot-nosed brat is the cutest damn thing in the world and I'll be so impressed she managed to, I don't know, walk up the stairs without tripping or go potty all by herself (and only after I bribe her with hairbows or something), but the idea of sitting in chairs that were uncomfortable when I was her age (and hiking uphill, both ways, in the snow, barefoot, in june, carrying my brother on my back...) does not sound appealing at all. Add in principals, who I'm fairly certain I'll dislike no matter my age, and I have a feeling I'll need a cosmo or two to get through it. "I'd like tooooo,belllllchhhhhhhhhh, make a motion to....ssslerve b-b-b-oooze at sfoootball gamessss..." All those in favor?
• My kids sporting events. I can picture it now, not only am I the parent totally into her kid's game but I'm also so hammered it's comical. Join me as I picture my future now: Teetering on oh-so impractical Jessica Simpson wedges, wearing a tank top (with my child's picture pin pinned to the front, of course!), some short shorts or maybe capris if it's chilly. Stumbling up and down the soccer field, yelling at my child to BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE. Of course, I'd give up on that little diddy when I realized I couldn't spell aggressive due to the margaritas I have been sucking from my own tit. Did I mention, the left boob is deflated since I emptied it out?
• Job Interviews. God, when you are in the waiting room...so intense. The butterflies make you want to puke everywhere. Why not calm it all down and get your game face on by taking a nip of Jack D and coke before you head into that office and knock their socks off? In the process, your personality is IMPROVED and your knockers are looking nice. Hey, if it gets you hired, it gets you hired. And when you show up to work without big boobs, they can't say a word, can they? If they do...well, a sexual harrassment lawsuit will fatten that wallet nicely.
• Anywhere on Sunday so long as I live in the South. Seriously. EVERYWHERE. To the grocery store, to the park, to the gym...anywhere and everywhere so I'm never without booze.
• Anywhere sobriety is a requirement. I once went to a dry wedding. And tailgated. And brought in a bottle of orange juice spiked with vodka because "I'm diabetic and I don't want to go into shock, you know." This would make that much easier for me. Plus, men would be rooting for the girl with red wine spilling from her chest to catch the bouquet. I'd be the coolest guest ever.

*Look how happy the bitch in the picture looks. I want to be that happy!

**Clearly, I'm joking here people. It's not entirely acceptable to do any of these things so I'd probably refrain but in a perfect world...