The Case for Boozing...

Oh, I'm sorry...what's that you say? I'll die from drinking heavily?

Not so fast, says Time.

Moderate drinkers in this studey (1-3 drinks per day) tend to have the lowest mortality rates.

Heavy drinkers come in second.

Abstainers lead the shortest lives.

So grab yourself a brew.

BING. BANG. BOOM.

Virtual Race for Boobies- EXTENDED AGAIN!

Okay, 4 people (not including me) have signed up. Right now, the men seemed more concerned with tittays than the women (weird, right?). Since I had a concussion and have been unable to run, I decided to extend the virtual race ONE MORE TIME. Also, it seemed silly to end it on a Tuesday when there is a nice long weekend in which I will be sitting around doing nothing because my company just told me I can't do contract work anymore. The upside of this is I won't be able to afford food so the pounds should just fall the fuck off. Add in the stress of looking for a new job that will pay the bills and I'll be slim in no time!**

To reiterate, for those too lazy to click the link to the Virtual Race for Boobies, here are the deets.
When: Anytime between NOW and September 5
What: Virtual 5K for boobies
How to enter: Donate to Lauren's Race for a Cure page and then email me to let me know you've done so. Then run. Then email me and tell me how you did and send photos if you wanna.
Prizes: Fastest 5K gets a $20 iTunes card. If some women sign up I will do a men's and women's category (bitches, I'm starving to give you money for music. The least you can do is sign up to run mileage you're already planning to run. I'm just saying). Also, any donations over $5 are entered into a raffle for a goodie bag of...well, goodies. Design a bib and enter it into the contest for most creative bib. I won't be deciding the best one- you will. Because I'm awesome like that.

Any questions? Email me at fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com.

**I'm only half joking/half serious about starving myself. It's not a choice I'm consciously making.

You Know Your Life Is In Shambles When...

The other day I was dicking around on facebook and I wanted to see if my little sister had posted any new pictures of her and her new boyfriend (whom my brother has affectionately named Nick Dick due to the unfortunate fact that his parents named him Nicholas Richard). When I typed her name in, it brought up some grizzled old folk singer. So I got on my page and clicked on her name under siblings. It brought up a page telling me the page I was attempting to load no longer exists. The following transpired via text:

Me:Did you delete your facebook?
Her: No why?
Me: Well then did you block me? I can;t see your page. It says you do not exist. When I look at my friends in common with Peter, you aren't there anymore.
Me (after she hasn't answered): You're not listed as a friend I have in common with Hannah or Bo either.
Her: I didn't block you... I don't know why?
Me: That's so weird. It says your page doesn't exist! Haha I was going to write miss you and see you on Wed but nope!
Her: Sorry...idk what to tell you.

The following day I was working from my parents house because I had to drive Mom to the airport. My brother finally drags his ass out of bed at around 10:30 am and I ask him if he can see my sister's page. He looks at me strangely and says "Yeah" (but means duh). My mom asks me why I am asking him that so I show them what happens when I log in and try to look her up. Then I say I think she lied to me.

My mom proceeds to tell me that while we were texting my sister started cracking up and when my mom asked her what was so funny she told her I asked if she had blocked me. My mom asked her if she did and my sister just laughed.

Folks, my dipshit 15 year old sister, tried to block me thinking I wouldn't figure it out. I am the google and internet queen. If I don't know something, I'll find it out and she thinks that she could LIE to me and me not figure out?!?!?! What. The. Fuck.

You're probably wondering why she blocked me.

Her status one day: Nick :] :]
My comment on said status: Vomit.
# of likes to my comment: 4
# of responses to my comment on her status: 3

According to her, her friends are sick of me showing up in their newsfeed so she blocked me so it can't happen anymore. Homegirl, I comment on your page maybe 3 times a month. Vs. you and your silly crew liking every fucking thing (ie. so and so likes other people liking things, the color pink, when a guy winks at you and 75 other pages). I highly doubt my comment "vomit" appeared on any of their newsfeeds with shit like that plus picnik and random scams they click on because they aren't smart enough to notice they shouldn't be clicking on pages that take you outside of facebook and ask for a password despite being told that repeatedly.

So, your life is in shambles if your little sister blocks you because you embarrass her.

Why I'll Never Get Married

In less than an hour my friend and I drained 5 bottles of wine. In less than 2 me and my closest 50 friends chugged 50 bottles. 2.5 hours in the wine bar is closed. 5 hours in the bartender finds me a bottle of white zin.
930 bar closes.
WTF?!?!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Why Can't I Remember the 1st Time Groomsman and I bumped uglies?

I'm trying to recall the first time The Groomsman and I fucked.

And I can't.

I mean, I have a first time I do remember but I feel like maybe it was before the time I remember. And it's really bothering me that I'm not sure if that was the first time or not.

I need to/want to/have to post on him soon but I just cannot get it together. I don't want to post on the time I remember only to find out it wasn't the first time.

Arghhh....maybe my number has gotten too high.

Friday Freak Out

Anybody else hear that joke about the USPS not making money this past quarter?

No?

Click here for more details on that.

So apparently, USPS lost money because more people aren't sending shit. Things like the internet have made things more convenient. I have another idea about why people aren't sending shit...

How bout a complete and utter lack of customer service at their local locations?

In Atlanta, there are apparently stand alone mailboxes that the USPS "owns" in older apartments. Mine is in the building but still considered stand alone. The post office doesn't hold keys after someone moves, you have to pay them to rekey the lock. Want to see how easy it is to rekey a lock? Click here. I didn't discover that answer until after this whole ordeal but ANY-WAY.

In order to change the lock, you have to go to your local office or carrier hub and fill out a form. Then shell out $28 bucks. I was told it would take about 2 weeks but that since there were only two people ahead of me it would take less than that. I waited a week, no call. I called to check and was told this past Wednesday it would be done. Wednesday and Thursday came and went. Still no call.

So, today, I pick the phone up to find out if I can pick up the key on my way home from work. Cynthia, a real $^%#@, told me it's not done. Now, when I first called she interrupted me mid-sentence twice while I was explaining the situation. Then asked me for my address while I was talking and before I had a chance to answer she asked again. Impatience shimmered in her voice. I gave her the address. She left me on hold for 25 minutes. Comes back and tells me it's not done. I was clearly frustrated.

Why?

Well, one, I have a right to my fucking mail. Two, I have paychecks waiting in there. I ask why it's not done yet and when I can expect it to be done and she tells me he is on vacation. I ask why it wasn't told me to prior to today that he would be on vacation and she told me he wasn't on it when I made the request. I find it hard to believe that the asshole changing the lock was unaware that he was heading on vacation this week. And that his BOSSES were unaware as well. So I voice my frustration and she interrupts me to tell me I cannot speak to her this way. Now I may have raised my voice and octave but I wasn't cursing at her or blaming her. I was explaining a problem and asking for an explanation.

"Don't bring that mess on me when I'm trying to help you."

What? First, what the fuck is bringing that mess on you? Can you carry on an intelligent conversation without stupid accusations? Oh, this is helping me? You're I don't give a shit if you get your mail attitude is HELPING me? You're offering a solution to a problem? You're giving me something to make up for the fact that you promised a service and didn't deliver? Oh, wait no.

Before I can say anything else, CYNTHIA hangs up on me.

So I call back. Cynthia answers again and I explain to her she just hung up on me. She then LECTURES ME on my tone. I apologize that my frustration was so offputting to her but I'm having trouble understanding what is taking so long on getting this done. Meanwhile, Cynthia starts bitching to her coworker about me. Then says she'll take my number, look into this and call me back in an hour. Why does she need my number? Oh, my apartment isn't even on the list to be done at any point this month.

Does she call?

Of course not. I call again THREE HOURS later and am told by someone else that they don't have the list to see whose is done and whose is not but that the amount of locks they had to change last week was INSANE. Mr. Dawkins won't be back until Tuesday and he has the list.

Let's review:
1. I paid $28 for a new lock to be completed in 2 weeks or less. Google locks. See how much they cost. Actually just click here to find out you can get them for fucking $7 with two keys. $21 is simply for my two week wait and someone else to do what is a VERY easy project.
2. There were only two people ahead of me when I paid. Today there were hundreds of locks changed in the past two weeks.
3. They have a list. I'm on it to be done on Wednesday. I'm not on the list at all. Mr. Dawkins has the list, not them so they don't know when mine will be done. Get your fucking stories straight. Jesus.

You better believe I called the main number (800ASKUSPS) to file a complaint. I tried to Atlanta Consumer Affairs Office for USPS but no one answers that number (404.765.7702 in case you live in Atlanta and have a complaint). The people at the 800 number were so friendly (hi Greg and Jason) but other than that the women I spoke to at my local office were RUDE, UNCARING and UNWILLING to do their jobs. They tried to dance around the subject because they had no answer. They wasted my time and then tried to turn the entire ordeal around on me. Because somehow it is my fault that a 5 minute project has not been completed 2 weeks after I shelled out $28.

You know Obama's whole Keep America Working Initiative? How bout Georgia apply that money to the fucking USPS? Because god knows they could use some help improving their attitudes and service. Our local offices never have more than one person working the counter so you're there for an hour to send a damn 2 lb package. They are rude on the phone and in person. They overcharge for services and then take FOREVER to get them done. Clearly, they are short staffed and maybe hiring some people there will solve this issue.

1st Virtual 5K for Boobies Race Report!

Andrew just completed his Virtual 5K from CANADA! If that's not a reason for you Americans to enter this race. I really don't know what is. No offense to Andrew or our neighbors to the North, but I want America to win ALL.THE.TIME. The end.

Andrew's Results:
Sex: Male
Race-Day Age: 44
City: Mississauga, ON, Canada
Location: Applewood Acres, Mississauga

Start Time: 7:13 a.m. Eastern TZ, Friday August 27, 2010
Watch Time at 5k Split: 36:23


You can read Andrew's race report on his blog by clicking here! Big thanks to him for his race report and shout out on the ol blog. Everyone start following him! And remember it's not too late to enter as it ends on Tuesday :)

Who Has Two Legs Itching to Run and a Concussion?

THIS GIRL.

For those of you not following my 100 Day Challenge (for shame!), I was injured Wednesday night in a softball game that I was doing none to stellar at in the first place. I've copied the story from the 100 Day Challenge page since you're too lazy to click:

While covering second base, some dipshit decided to plow me over. Not uncommon (especially in this game) however I was facing the outfield for the throw in and had my foot on the back of the bag. I was in no way in the way of the runner. On top of that, after he slammed into me he just kept running for third. Why was he even near me when he was running the bases? Why could he not touch the front of the bag? For those of you that care, my unsuspecting body flew through the air and landed hard on the infield. And I slammed my head into the ground.

To say I'm pissed off would be an understatement. While I fully understand my choice to play softball comes with risk, I don't think it is unreasonable to assume that I will not get a concussion due to unsportsmanlike conduct. The guy was a jerk through the entire game; talking back to the umpire, complaining about every call, and eventually being thrown out of the game. He only apologized to me after the umpire yelled at him to get back to second base because the play was dead the minute he hit me and I went flying. His muttered "sorry" like I was in the wrong was not what I was hoping for. On top of that, the umpire eventually left the game and called for a different umpire to take over and when I approached him to talk to him about it, he acted as though both teams were at fault.

So, what does this concussion mean? Well, lucky for me, it's a mild concussion. I'll have a headache for a few days but should be fine by midweek. Once I've gone 24 straight hours with no headache and no medication (Tylenol in case you got excited for me), I'll be able to return to running. So this morning, I walked grudgingly through perfect running weather and thought about retaliation in the form of an accidental beating by bat the next time I saw this jerkoff.

Why Sign Up For A Virtual Race?

1. Because I said so. Hey, if it works for moms, it ought to work for me.
2. Prizes. Whoooo! For instance, some prizes are things like iTunes giftcards, Gu sample packs, compression socks. Etc, etc, etc.
3. It's for a good cause! Many times people host a virtual race in order to fundraise for things like Team Challenge, Team in Training, and other awesome charities.
4. Competition is good for you. I tried to be all scientific about this but when I google I just keep getting shit that doesn't relate. Suffice to say, competition will push you to do your best.
5. You need motivation- virtual races provide it
6. Opportunity to race against people all over the country! People you follow in the bloggy world but may never meet in every day life.
7. It's flexible with your schedule!
8. You get to pick your own course! The worst part about races is the course is already designed. You might think to yourself, I wonder what is down that way? Well, now you can find out!
9. Race reports are fun. You need more in your life
10. Because I am flat out BEGGING YOU for your help.

Look peeps, I don't know what it will take to get you to sign up for my Virtual 5K for Boobies but just tell me and I will attempt to make it happen. I have 64 followers who WILLINGLY admit to the world that they read my blog and yet only 2 people have signed up. Just think, if all 64 signed up, we would raise $320 for the Susan G Komen Race for a Cure! So, please just consider signing up for the 3.2 mile run between now and August 31st. Entrance fee is $5. If you design your own bib, you can enter the competition for best/most creative bib (which I will let the readers pick!) and get a prize. Plus anyone who goes above and beyond the $5 donation is entered into a raffle. Fastest time gets a $20 iTunes giftcard. All you have to do is donate to Lauren's page and then email me at fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com so I can get you your number. Then just run your 3.2 miles between now and August 31st. I will post race reports and photos and announce winners that weekend following (to give you time to get your stuff in).

Seriously, I. AM. BEGGING. YOU.

Lauren is currently at 49% of her goal and I would love if we all helped her get over 50%!!!!!

And if there is something else I could do to persuade you...let me know. Unless it involves whoring myself out. That ship sailed when I graduated friends.

Take Me To England, Mate.

God, I think he's so fucking sexy. I always forget about it, until confronted with his deliciousness. Also, must subscribe to Men's Health STAT.

Where Is His Dick?

Okay, first, everyone have a mini-orgasm taking in the sexiness of this picture. Never, have I ever thought blood was sexy but JESUS. Bang me now, please. Any of them. All of them. Thanks PopWrap for bringing this to my attention.

Second, where the fuck is Alexander Skarsgard's dick? Shouldn't it be hanging just a bit below Anna's leg?Just the tip? I really hope they photo shopped that shit or we have another case of Penis Nano and this is much more depressing than my real-life version.

Another Job Slips Through the Cracks...

I hate when I see a job posting but I don't have the required skills...

DEA seeks Ebonics experts to help with cases.


Ummmm, seriously? Can I Rosetta Stone that shit?

The Text Files

The Commercial Banker and I have been getting closer via texts. I simply do not have the time or energy to properly spend time with him. And to be honest, I'm kind of nervous to see him again. It's been quite some time since the last time we hung out and I'm not sure what he does or does not know about The Groomsman. The day after he drunk text me that he wanted to see me that night (I didn't go meet him) he was again texting me but this time about my apartment.



Him:
How's the new place?



Me:
Looks like a bomb exploded. It will take FOREVER for me to get everything set up.



Him:
Don't be a baby :)



Him:
I'm still in bed btw



(sidenote: its 1:03 pm on a Saturday. I had already gotten up, unpacked some more, written my mom's resume with her and was heading to the gym)



Me:
A baby? Ummm...rude.



Him:
You know I'm kidding.



Totally innocent. I guess I could have gone with the whole still in bed thing but I was heading to a bachelorette party so I wasn't in the mood to flirt. Too much stuff to get done.

Do the guys you flirtext with flip between the mudane (how's the new apt) and the sexual (me and shark week...)? How do you handle it? What does it mean?

Why Chocolate Milk?

"Why do they recommend chocolate milk after a workout but not regular milk? What's so special about choc. (besides the superior taste)?" - @carolynballard

She raises a good point. I have long been a proponent of chocolate milk post workout after taking a spin class and hearing the instructor tell us the protein-carb ratio is perfect for recovery. Since then, I've always purchased Horizon's Organic Chocolate (seriously the BEST. FUCKING. CHOCOLATE. MILK. EVER). But what exactly is the reasoning behind the chocolate milk choice? And what is the difference between regular milk and chocolate milk? Does it matter if it's Skim or 2%?

According to my favorite magazine, Fitness, chocolate milk provides a LOT of benefits post workout:

Before your stomach recoils, take a look at chocolate milk's ingredient list. For a high-endurance athlete, Stager's team sees it as a catch-all workout recovery drink. Compared to plain milk, water, or most sports drinks, it has double the carbohydrate and protein content, perfect for replenishing tired muscles. Its high water content replaces fluids lost as sweat, preventing dehydration. Plus it packs a nutritional bonus of calcium, and includes just a little sodium and sugar -- additives that help recovering athletes retain water and regain energy.

Drinking plain water after exercise replaces sweat losses -- and that's it. "Chocolate milk provides carbohydrate replenishment to your muscles -- something they can metabolize," said Jason Karp, MS, another researcher for this study. "There's nothing to metabolize in water."

Stager's assessment of chocolate milk is even simpler. "It's water plus a whole lot more," he said.

But, there's always a BUT, I wouldn't go downing chocolate milk after a stroll around the hood. Chocolate Milk, like most sports drinks, is beneficial to those who cycle, swim or run. And especially those who do these for an extended period of time (more than 20 minutes). Which is why it was recommended after my intense hour-long Spin class.

For more info on chocolate milk, head over to the official chocolate milk website!

What about you guys? Any recovery drinks you swear by?

ALSO: Please, please, please don't forget to sign up for the Virtual Race for Boobies. It's an easy 5k with lots of prizes :) Plus it benefits the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure!!!!

And, to read about the 100 day challenge Courtney convinced me to take, click here.

Monday Musings

This edition of Monday Musings has a theme. Ya'll know I love themes. Ya'll also know I love hunting for a job (oh wait...no). And just to slam some further unrelated knowledge on you, Ya'll is misspelled. I love being in the south (another lie). It's Y'ALL in case you use this phrase a lot. In fact, I'm pretty sure I blogged about that before. Wait, here it is. Anyway, today's theme is television shows that could use a little shambles in them (as in...me..starring...on... tv. Thanks to the interviewer who decided that was the only job I could handle).

1. Rookie Blue. Not because I would make a kickass cop (ummm I would) but because I want a sex scene with Ben Bass. Who is 42. Which is 8 years younger than my dad. See how I did that? I don't need no stinkin' shrink to tell me I have Daddy issues!


2. True Blood. I think seeing certain people on set naked 24/7 would be amazing. I'm not sure what I would add to the show but I do have a flair for cursing and if getting between the sheets with Alexander Skaarsgard is a requirement, clearly I'm meant to be on the show.



3. The Bachelor. I'd be the bitchy, no nonsense one. I would hold out but make all the chicks think I did the deed with the guy. Then, when all of you (who are clearly in on my plan) talked all the time about me and ABC producers offered me another show, I'd say no. This is of course, after the guy falls madly in lust with me and I turn him down in the final rose ceremony. Even better, I hope he tries to catch up with the bitch he already sent packing.



4. Community. YESSSSS. I was great at college. And I would be even better now. I'd have to dumb myself down so I could handle community college but lets be honest, I could just show up drunk and act ridiculous and they'd probably just stop writing a script. They'd just let me and Joel and crew go to town. Which would make it the best show ever. Plus I speak some Spanish so obviously, I could help with this rap:


5. Cougar Town. I'd be the new bitch on the block. I'd be so threatening to Courtney Cox's character. Her ex would fall in love with me and we'd date, her current beau (and one of my many crushes) would say my name during a love session with her and maybe her son would think of me as her new idol. Of course, I would be blissfully unaware of the pain I'm inflicting and immune to Courtney's attempts to sabotage my life.




6.The League. I like to imagine all kinds of scenarios involving me in the show. Usually they involve lots of interaction with Jon Lajoie. Because I adore him. Go here to watch videos because they disabled embedding. Bitches. Oh wait, my college education just allowed me to figure out how. Hold please. Don't fuck with me FX.


7. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Do I really need to explain this? I know it will shock you but the cast is all married to other people who have appeared on the show so this one is simply for reasons previously stated.


Clearly, I would be excellent on any show that would have me but these are ones I would ENJOY being on. And let's be honest, I'm all about integrity and shit.

The Text Files

So, if you'll recall, recently I began flirtexting with The Commercial Banker. It started with a mention of shark week and sex and has gone from there. After a week of silence, The Commercial Banker broke it a week after I moved into my new place. I was just coming home from a night out with my friend to a nearby bar and was exhausted when this came through at 1:54 am:

I should have called you tonight.

Oh really? Can we say DRUNK.TEXTING. Nice, commercial banker. It's nice to know he's not too mature. He still gets hammered and sends out texts to the ladies.

My response (as I was crawling into bed):
Why is that? Haha, I just back to my new apt.

Him:
I wanted to see you tonight. But I was going to call but I couldn't picture your face. It's been too long.

Me:
Ummm that's kind of a random comment. Especially since you could have gotten on facebook to see it easily. Are you drunk texting me right now?

Him:
Don't judge me.

Me:
Haha. No judgement here buddy. I'm a drunk- it would be hypocritical of me to judge you. Next time just call. Or text...before 2 am.

I haven't gotten a drunk text since The Whatever and I started up so it was kind of nice and definitely funny to get it. But where would it lead to next?

Stories From When We Were Young...

So, I'm in the process of relocating and in doing so, I've had to cull through some boxes of stuff. I've stumbled across some great letters and notes between my friends and I that absolutely HAVE to be shared. For that, I apologize to them. This one comes from back in October of 2003 and I'll skip through the crap and get right to the meet of the letter:

Remember Matty*? Looks like Matt Dillon but light brown hair. Yeah, well, if not he's the one I made out with and then felt bad and tried to convert me. Well, he came over to watch a movie almost a month ago and we didn't watch any movie. We started making out. Yeah, started to have sex because I had apparently gotten him very excited by not doing much. Yeah, definitely wasn't even a minute man. It was like 25 seconds. Hump Hump Hu- and he came. NO JOKE!! It was horrible. And he said that, not me. I felt bad for him. It had been so long since he's had sex he came in 25 seconds. It wasn't enough that I wasn't turned on at all. So I wasn't upset. But we decided that he just shouldn't come over anymore because he always ends up feeling bad. I saw him a week later and usually he gives me a hug. Nope, I got a high five. I thought that was hilarious. Doesn't answer my ims either. I think he thinks I'm going to ask him to come over. NO. Especially if we're gonna hang out and then he's gonna try to make out with me and then feel bad. That's not ok. Especially when he comes in like 25 seconds! WHO DOES THAT? Matty, apparently.

*Names changed to protect the innocent.

Run Courtney Run's 100 Day Challenge!

Just got in from a GRUELING 5.14 mile run. I'm lucky to have lived through the whole thing. I was happy to be home and hop in the shower :) Afterwards, I made myself an omelet with hot pepper cheese and pico de gallo. DELICIOUS! I sat down to eat it and scrolled through the blogs and came across Run Courtney Run's 100 Day Challenge. So I'm joining it.

Why?

Well, I've lost 25 lbs and kept 22 of them off but I still have a ways to go. Since I moved from the gym and can only go twice a week (to see Cassandra the devil) I'm struggling to find the motivation to keep it in high gear. I'm hoping this will help! So, head over to Courtney's page and check out the 100 days challenge that starts Monday!

Speaking of starts. Today marks the start of my Virtual 5K for Boobies! So far, I have a scant 2 people entered. Three if you include me. Come on people! The race ends August 31st and you can complete the 5K anywhere, anytime (from today to the 31st that is). Just donate to Lauren's race for a cure and I'll send you your race number. Categories for prizes include fastest time as well as most creative bib and a raffle for all donations over $5!

And, last, but not least. Training with Cassandra started back up this week. She worked me HARD. So, Cassandra's move of the week is back:

You'll need an assisted squat machine (a 15 lb bar attached to the machine- it's basically a spotter for when you don't have one). Lower the bar to the first or second rung and slide under it on the ground. Keep your legs straight out in front of you and your body in a straight line resting on your heels. Place your hands in the pullup position and pull up. It should work your back, chest and shoulders (as well as your forearms some). Keep the grip loose, otherwise you're using your arms to lift. The higher the bar is placed, the easier this should be for you. I did 3 rounds of 15 with Cassandra on Thursday and I am feeling it!

The Text Files

We've disussed SEXTING but I want to discuss recent texts from a guy that can only be classified as FLIRTEXTING.

FLIRTEXTING - (Verb) Flirtexting is the marriage of two words Flirt and Texting. Although the courtship began in 1985, with the "invention" of the text message in Finland. This union first officially occured on 11-10-08. The marriage brought together two seperate worlds; 1)Flirt - To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures. & 2)Texting or (SMS) which is a communications protocol allowing the interchange of short text messages between mobile telephone devices.
Heather is always on her phone FLIRTEXTING with guys.

Who is this guy? Well, he is commercial banker of some sort. He sounds pretty important. He's a friend of a friend who is married to my other friend (I love making things complicated). He's attractive, intelligent and kind of a flirt from what I've heard. I have been attracted to him for a LONG time but I kind of slept with his friend (The Groomsman) so I steered clear of him. Though I did use him to make The Groomsman jealous one time. I actually met both of them at the same wedding.

ANYWAY.

The Commercial Banker and I have been talking since July and lately he's been texting me quite a bit. This all started with an updated facebook photo. In which he messaged me to tell me I looked great and see how I was doing. Then he invited me to his neck of the woods to get a drink. Unfortunately, I've been out of town and moving so I haven't had the chance. So, we exchanged numbers and he's been texting me ever since.

Recent texts have turned quite flirty with commercial banker even admitting he's always been interested in getting naked with me.

Flirtexting began August 1st with this text from me to him:

According to the ads I saw, watching shark week leads to sex. Please tell me if this is true.

Response:

Yeah. So what time are you coming over?

Me:

Haha well it would take no less than 12 hours to get there so if I leave now...I could meet you for lunch.

Him:

Damn you.

Me:

Sorry about that but I'm sure if you go on facebook and look through the status updates you can find a chic watching shark week to come by.

Him:

Haha whatever. But you, we would have fun. Alcohol and sharks sounds amazing.

(side note...sounds dangerous)

So the flirtexting began. You'll have to stay tuned to see where it goes! But I want to hear from you...flirtexting...thoughts, concerns, questions?

Lesson Learned on a Thursday Night

Downing a bottle of wine by yourself in an hour and a half WILL KNOCK YOU THE FUCK OUT.

But only temporarily.

So that you are awakened at midnight by your dipshit neighbor slamming (and I mean SLAMMING) fucking drawers and her bastard cat going goddamn apeshit for the catnip.

And my apartment may be considered safe because who the fuck would break into anything with all those fucking lights on out in the courtyard but it sure as shit is not condusive to getting any fucking sleep at night. It looks about high noon in my bedroom at midnight. Places I won't be moving: Alaska.

Must invest in ear buds to block sounds and blackout curtains before I murder the bitch and her fucking cat.

*The weekend game plan is sleep. A fucking coma's worth.

No Place Like the Bed of a Truck

Do you have a place you go just to get laid? I don't intentionally go to mine, but every time I have gone to a particular bar (which I plan to cover in a different post) I always end up going home with someone.

Or just as far as the car.

The Whatever and I had been, well....whatever for a while when we decided to go into downtown Atanta from his townhouse in the burbs. We met up with some of his buddies and got dinner and watched the Arizona State- UGA football game. Then we went and caught Who's Bad. We won the game and The Whatever and I were TRASHED. At the end of the night, we had lost the group and thought we would just go grab his keys from the valet and figure it out from there. Unfortunately, we thought wrong.

The valet had closed up shop and left a sticker on the car stating we would need to pick our keys up at 11 am the following morning.

Not that I remember any of this.

You see I woke up at 8 am fucking FREEZING with the sky above me and NO FUCKING PANTS ON.

NO PANTS ON!?!?!

I immediately did the Did I just have Sex last night check and discovered.... Yes, Yes I did.

I woke up in the bed of The Whatever's Toyota Tacoma with no fucking pants on, shivering my ass off in the back parking lot of a fucking bar.

Yes, yes, I am a slut.

The best The Whatever and I can figure is we got back and discovered we couldn't get his keys (where the fuck would we have gone anyway?) and then I ran through my phone for friends in Atlanta. None of who picked up that were willing or able to drive. We decided we would sleep in the bed of the truck and get the keys when the valet showed up in the morning. Well... I don't know if you've ever tried sleeping in the bed of a truck but let me tell you...

IT'S NOT FUCKING COMFORTABLE. AT ALL.

And I was horny. And drunk enough not to give a shit where we had sex or who saw me. Hell, he could have stripped me in the bar and I would have said, "Yes, please, may I have another."

From the random, black out flashbacks that have returned to me slowly, we tried cuddling as comfortably as possible and then after a few minutes decided we might as well take advantage of this ridiculous situation and fuck. So... we did. It was messy and so not comfy and I think in the end I had to ride him to hell and back so we could finish. I had bruises on both knees and elbows (apparently we tried doggy style?). But damnit, I know for a fact that I am the only girl my Whatever has fucked in the bed of a truck in the back parking lot of a bar. Classy? Not so much. Memorable (even through a drunken blackout)? Fuck yes.

So you're probably wondering how that story ended, huh? Turns out the valet doesn't return to that parking lot. And you can't get the keys from the location he does go to until 11. We ended up at Ihop trying to sleep in a booth and giggling because we had sex in a parking lot and didn't get caught. Then we got kicked out of Ihop and had to return to the truck to wait 2 more hours. Then we realized we didn't know where the fuck the keys would be. Two hours later we figured it out and walked a mile to get the keys and a mile back to the truck. Suffice to say after we drove 30 minutes home, we crashed in his bed and then ordered chinese and a movie.

Have you broken in the bed of a truck before? Sex in a parking lot? Would you be embarrassed by this story or ashamed (I'm fucking ecstatic. I think it's awesome.)?

Virtual 5K for Boobies Update

Due to the underwhelming response, Lauren and I talked and decided we would extend the 5K. You can now run it from tomorrow, August 20 through August 30th. We will announce winners of the raffle, most creative bib and overall winner on September 1st. So, get on over to this page for details and get running for boobies :)

Thirsty Thursday...Part 2

Yes. Please and Thank You. God, I love Eric Church.

Thirsty Thursday

So, I'm a little behind on my ESPN the Magazine reading since moving. The whole I couldn't find several issues and then the whole the fucking USPS is taking TEN fucking years to give me a key to my mailbox thing is really a hinderance to the whole thing. But just in time for football season to start up, I read the August 9th issue (only to realize I hadn't read the issue immediately preceding it. Whoops). And thank god I did because living in the South and being the fan of an SEC I'm always at a loss of what to wear to football games. Never fear, dear ones, I bring to you...

Tailgate Couture.

You know the SEC gals like to look sharp at footballs games (guys too though no one gives a shit if they were the same damn outfit for 11 games in a row....or for that matter as many games as it fits and doesn't look like someone shit on the ensemble). Right now, I'm struggling with what to wear because I'm not in college anymore. Is the adorable red and black sundress with UGA flipflops still appropriate attire? Should I be more dressed up? Less dressed up? Personally, I'd be down with a jean skirt and jersey but my friends just haven't hit that point yet. Some of them even wear heels to the game which kills me.

Sometimes, I worry I won't look classy enough at these events. Because God knows, sippin on bourbon and throwin bean bags into a hole is the epitome of class. And you must look your best when participating in activities like chugging beer, scarfing down burgers, flipping cups, filling flasks, falling down drunk in a trash can, making out with randos, screaming at satellite tv when it goes on the fritz during an important rivalry game, dominating beer pong or whatever the fuck it is you people do at a tailgate. You never know, you might meet your future husband at one of these classy events (though its lost some of its lustre now that they banned fun from North Campus).

With dresses from Tailgate Couture, I can go from daytime tailgate drinking to nighttime shots at AllGood Lounge with ease. I'll look as though I went home to change between events (albeit with vomit stains down the front but it adds character, bitches). You have five dresses to choose from and can customize the colors any way you'd like.

For the classy, I-have-a-wedding-to-attend-post-noon-game kickoff, we have the Ashley Mini ($84). This dress can totally be worn again. In fact, why not make it your next bridesmaids dress?

For the I'm-still-totally-getting-where-Avril-is-coming-from seven pm game, we have the Jessica Ruffle dress (Also $84). Looks great with unkempt, I-didn't-have-time-to-shower-before stumbling-to-this-east-bumble-tailgate location hair.

For the I-drank-too-fucking-much-last-night-and-may-or-may-not-be-pregnant 3 pm game, we have the Cammy Tee dress (an affordable $76 bucks). Bitch for $10 bucks at Walmart you could buy a black tshirt and some ribbon and make a much cuter dress. If you were feeling broke and crafty. I'm just saying.

And why the fuck do these girls look miserable?

First AM Run Outdoors!

Okay, mentally I'm not all here so BEAR with me. I have a couple things I want to try to get out there today and I'm struggling (lack of sleep):

• Funny Story: My new upstairs neighbor is never around (or I never hear her) until it's time for bed. I usually play some sleep-inducing tunes prior to bedtime and she seems to have just moved in as well. I think she actually moved in the day after me and I was in Gwinnett so I missed seeing all that go down. Anyway, for the past week at around 10 or 11 she starts hanging or putting together furniture or whatever. In my opinion, you can start that shit at 10 am and should be done with it by 8 pm (you don't know if your neighbor has kids which is why I say 8). And it always sounds like she is dropping shit. Well, last night, I decided I had enough. When the best sleep you get is the one hour nap your eyes forced upon you at 3 pm, then its time to make some changes. So I stood there for 10 minutes listening just to be sure she was going to be doing this for some time. Then, I walked up there and knocked on the door. She opened it with a cat in her arms (hence the sounds of shit dropping all the time) and immediately said she just looked at the clock. I explained to her that I understood as I was moving as well but that I generally get up at 4:30 am to go to the gym. Her mouth literally dropped open. I don't know if it was because she looked at me and thought "no way this bitch works out" or if she thought to herself "WTF are you going to the gym this early for?" Either way, she stopped building the bookshelf she was building.
• I went on my first 5 am run in the new hood. Which was actually 5:15 am cause I hit snooze. It was nice and I saw a couple of other runners out there as well. All three of them were young, had killer bodies and were shirtless. I think I may readjust my thinking on living in Atlanta if I get to wake up to that every day. Sweaty men, yum (except you Adam. You're just a freak of nature).
• This past week, I've been wearing my running skirt (yes, I only have one. Yes, I wash it in between wearings). You see, I had only worn it to run the Skirtchaser 5K because they gave it to me. Skirts seem to cost a pretty penny. And I am broke. I love my Nike Tempo shorts (and I get a great deal on them) but I could easily become a running skirt convert. My *free* Skirt Sports skirt was comfy. I initially felt weird in it but I got comfortable quickly. The built in compression shorts eliminate the need for BodyGlide in that area which is awesome. They don't slip around and you don't spend time thinking about what you are wearing because its moving around or you have to adjust it. The only complaint on the version they give you for free is there is one pocket. It's on the leg of the compression shorts on the back and it doesn't hold stuff very well. I wouldn't recommend putting an ID or cell phone there because they will fall out. They have lots of cool options that have addressed this issue though so check them out over at www.skirtsports.com/ if you're looking for feminine but durable clothing.
• Last, but MOST IMPORTANT, big thanks to Adam and Courtney who were the FIRST TWO registrants for the Virtual 5K for Boobies which is THIS WEEKEND. Adam will get some sweet gift yet to be determined. This race is open to MEN AND WOMEN. All you have to do is make a $5 donation to Lauren's site and let me know you've done so. Then I will give you your race number and you have this weekend to run it. Prizes given for a few different things so being fastest isn't the most important thing! Please consider signing up or spreading the word for me!

Well, that's it. Thanks for bearing with me!

I Kissed A Gay Guy...

And it was pretty good actually!





So, this morning I was going through emails when I noticed, "Shit, I have 3767 emails sitting in my account". 3767 may not seem like a lot until you consider I've probably deleted 3 times that. And why in God's name would I need to SAVE 3767 emails? So I clicked oldest and began to purge the emails.





Well, I stumbled upon this gem and just HAD to share it with you guys.




Yes, that is me with an acquaintance, TJ, at a bar in Athens. After some Kill Bills (for you UGA grads) we apperently got to grinding and our friend Kat put it in his ear that he should try a girl on for size. Suddenly, he jerked me close (soooo hot. Love that move). And then we kissed. After the initial slamming his lips onto mine (bumping teeth HURTS, ya'll) it was actually really nice. But, the weirdest thing for me was that after the aggressive start he sort of...sweetened it up. To the point that it was almost like he was waiting for me to take the lead. In fact, it vaguely felt like kissing my friend Krista which I did a time or two in college.

Have you guys ever kissed a gay guy? Could you tell he was gay? Share the deets!

Justin Bieber is a Grade A Tool

Not that this is news to anyone with any sort of taste.

But, we're not talking about his music. We're talking about his actions.

Today, on Star 94, I heard Cindy and Ray talking to this 15 year old kid about his experience with the Biebs.

The Rundown: 15 year old starts googling Jusin Bieber and figures out someone he's friends with. He gets on that kids facebook and hacks it. Gets ahold of biebs phone number and starts texting him. Biebs doesn't like this. Biebs asked him t stop. I guess the kid did it again cause biebs, jackass that he is, decided to put the kids number on his twitter as his own with Call Me! 15 year old got 26,000 texts and phone calls.

So, yes, they are both teenagers and teenagers do dumb shit. The thing is, there is a HUGE fucking difference between one kid, who didn't give your number to anyone else, texting you to tell you he likes your music and would love to go to a concert to you tweeting his number as your own to 4.5 million worldwide followers. International texts ain't cheap so the kid will have to pay those. His parents are really worried this will be a HUGE phone bill. He had to change his number and delete his Twitter after the story broke because threats were coming through on both.

Couple of things I'd like to note:
1. You are a celebrity. You chose this lifestyle knowing full well this kind of shit could happen. You haven't been living under a rock so there is a reasonable expectation of fans doing stupid shit to get your attention. If you can't handle that, you probably shouldn't be in the business. (And yes, I know, they deserve to have a life. I'm just saying presently, with no laws really regarding fan behavior, you knew what you were getting into).
2. WHO THE FUCK PUTS THEIR PHONE NUMBER ON FACEBOOK? Where the fuck are the Biebs parents telling him not to give out personal information. Not even because he's a celeb but because you just don't do that shit.
3. How difficult would it have been to block this kid's number or change your own number? I imagine celebs do it all the time.
4. One kid messaging does not equal 26,000 calls. Not only did Biebs get revenge, he upped the ante.

Twitter Tuesday

Today, I'd like to introduce you to Ben Morrison aka @benthemorrison who you may know from Punk'd or his very own website! He thinks Twitter is life which is awesome because it means he updates frequently. Ben is a delicious combination of calling it like it is and out there humor. Plus he appears to be semi-attractive. Which I, of course, enjoy.

• It's hard out there for a pimp, but it's harder for the prostitute.
• There's a new report out there saying iPhone users have more sex than other people. Guess you gotta do something if you can't make a phone call.
• I've never understood the phrase "Have to piss like a racehorse". He's not running 'cause he has to pee, a midget is stabbing him in the ass.
• If you've ever heard "Are you OK to walk?", you're probably pretty drunk.
• According to Wikipedia the plant called "Wandering Jew" is "constantly targeted for eradication". Go figure.
• The best-laid plans of mice and Ben often go awry.
• If you want girls to come up to you in Hollywood you should wipe your nose alot.
• Our sad efforts to halt global warming are like taking an Airborne 3 days into the flu.
• Nicotine really delivers
• You know I really do have hairy nipples.
• Being gay must be a lot of fun. You're hanging with your bros and you're getting laid.
• WTF? I am on Wikipedia?
• A fart is like a athunderclap before a lightening bolt poop.
• Who needs pornography when you have the American Apparel website.
• Mac's behave like spoiled little rich children.

The internet is my mustache. Please follow. So says Mr. Morrison. I say, hop on it.

Sex on the Beach Round Two

With summer drawing rapidly to a close, I thought it might be time to return to the sex on the beach discussion. After enjoying some animalistic sex under a pier with The First, I headed for Spring Break my senior year of college single and ready to mingle with guys I didn't know. I left single and having had sex with The Spring Fling. Not exactly what the game plan was but it could be worse I suppose.

You see, The Spring Fling was ( I guess still is) a year younger than I was and was in the group that traveled with us to Florida. He was handsome but not the type of guy I would typically go for. He was fratastic with brown hair and eyes, a nice build that he covered with polos and khaki shorts. I didn't know him all too well before we left for Ft. Lauderdale and to be honest, when we left I didn't know much more about him except he may have been a manwhore as I'm reasonably certain he fucked another girl the night before we had sex on the beach.

Of course, as with most of my college antics, I was hammered with this sexual shenanigan occurred but I'll fill you in the best I can. Unlike the previous excursion on the beach, this one started after a long night of drinking at the bars with our friends. It was our last night in Florida and we partied like it was our last night on Earth. When we got back to the hotel, 8 of us were crammed into a hotel room after losing one of our rooms (long story short, we were fucking out of control). So we changed into pajamas, grabbed more booze and headed down to the beach playground (yes, playground). After an hour or so more of drinking, everyone but The Spring Fling and I headed back up to the hotel room. We wandered on the beach, acting like fools, and once again I somehow ended up being the recipient of a tickling that led to sex (side note, how does that keep happening to me?).

Suddenly we're rolling around on the towel we had brought down and clothes are pretty much being torn off with haste. This was not like some romantic rendezvous a la Cocktail. In fact, it was short on foreplay and long on hard thrusting. Surprisingly enough, consider the amount of rolling around we did prior to insertion, no sand made it anywhere it shouldn't have been. In fact the sand on your back added another dimension. Made it feel rough and, again, animalistic. It felt like we were so full of lust we would explode from it. There was no though, just action. And it was exhilarating knowing anyone could spot us from down the beach or even their hotel room and would instantly know what we were doing. The likelihood was slim since it was around 3:30 am but not so slim that almost immediately after finishing, we saw flashlights bobbing in our direction. We sprang into action, but since I couldn't seem to locate my pants, my logical conclusion was to run and jump into the ocean. Because what other way can one hide pants than to cover oneself with water and pray the cop doesn't haul you out of the ocean half naked?

Lucky for me, the cop obviously knew a thing or two about drunken college kids. He chastised us for being out on the beach after hours and told us we had ten minutes to make ourselves scarce. So, after he had wandered a ways up the beach, The Spring Fling was nice enough to carry the towel over to me and bundle me up for the walk back to the hotel. We ended the night spooning on a pool float on the floor of the hotel room. Of course since I had no pants, I was forced to wear his boxers. Which meant everyone knew exactly what happened on that stretch of sand...

How a Life in Shambles Moves part three

Clearly my new place needs to be condemned. In other news, I built a desk and a tv cart (sans wheels because a guy in Target said if someone came in and saw my tube on a cart with wheels I'd never get laid again. I happen to agree). One of these days, everything will be put together.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I'm baaaaaackkkkkk

Okay, life has been hectic lately but now that I am getting settled into the new apartment, I have GOT TO START BACK ON THE HEALTHY LIVING TRAIN. I'm back up to 155 after this weekend's shenanigans. I have wedding related stuff all month but that is no excuse to just let myself go completely.

With that in mind, I hit the grocery store last night (it helps that I finally have a little money in the bank). The Kroger I went to is INCREDIBLE. It was so nice! And I love, love, love a store that has sushi and a salad bar. I want to move into the Kroger. Of course, everything took longer because I don't know the layout of the store yet but WOW. So much to choose from! So, here is what I picked up to add to my empty fridge (and pantry. and freezer):

• Pirate's Booty White Cheddar (it's like crack. But on sale for 3 for $5)
• Green Grapes
• Romaine lettuce
• Crumbled Tomato Basil Feta Cheese
• Tomato
• Back to Nature Granola (which is my favorite!)
• Hot Pepper cheese
• Diet Coke (aspartame be damned)
• Eggs
• 100 calorie bread thingies (the receipt isn't helping and I'm blanking on what they are called)
• Organic Chicken

That's all my meager paycheck could afford this time around. But slowly I will build the kitchen back up! Next up, tackling my workouts!

In other news, my boys over in Toms River, NJ will be playing tonight for a chance to head to the Little League World Series. They lost to the team they are playing once so I'm looking for a little revenge. You can catch them at 8 pm on ESPN2.

And don't forget to sign up for the Virtual Race for Boobies! I might even give out a little sumpin to the first person to sign up!

Monday Musings: Bachelorette Party Edition

• Can't bake but need something sweet for your festivities? Make a Donut Dick! Cream filled with brown sprinkles for the balls and creamfilled for the tip :)
• I love pasta salad. Making pasta salad with dick shaped pasta is the coolest thing ever.
• I hate the silly games you have to play at showers. Unless it involves being a kid again and playing with Play Dough. Each girl gets a different color. They have one minute to construct a dick with the play dough behind their backs. It's pretty entertaining.
• Pin the Junk on the Hunk. A must have for any bachelorette party. Mine is the huge one going straight for his mouth. I'm so funny...even blindfolded!
• Why the HELL do the over the top Christians sit out in the rain on a Saturday night yelling how we are all horrible people? You aren't making me want to convert to your way of thinking by insulting me there buddy. Especially when I'm drunk. In fact, you may be proof that God really isn't paying attention when he makes us. Also, do I come into your place of worship and force my beliefs (sex and booze) down your throats mid prayer? Oh, no? Well, then how bout you stay the fuck away from my good time. There is a time and a place to discuss our beliefs and on the corner of Lumpkin and Clayton is not it, buddy.
• I've still got it! I may have graduated 4 years ago but I'm still in the know in Athens, GA. We hit up a bar and I happened to know someone who worked there but wasn't there that night. Shot him a text and he text me back that he was in Chicago but had me run down and say hello to a different bartender. Who proceeded to dish out 15 shots and drinks before telling me, it's on the first guy's tab. Let the booing begin!
• Dick Shot glass? Check. Dick Straw? Check. Using both in combination? Just plain weird.
• I am only invited to bachelorette parties because I make lewd comments. I swear I bring the party to the level required. I should look into being a professional bachelorette party attendee.
• Gumby's closed?!??! I want my pokey sticks damnit.
• If you are throwing your bachelorette or bachelor party in Athens, go for the Gameday Condos. It is where it's at.
• Penis guns are always a fun time. I enjoy pissing people off so maybe that's why I get a kick out of squirting them with water from across the room. More fun was filling them with liquor and then watching everyone suck on it. HAHAHHA.
• Still have yet to go to a bachelorette party involving strippers. Boooo.
• Fun game: Have a list of words involving the groom and tell the bride she can't say them. Every time she does, give her a shitty shot.

Get Amongst It

While I was back home at the Jersey Shore (shut up with your stupid jokes), I went to a local bar and hung out with some old and new friends. While we were there a friend of ours kept saying this one saying that pissed another friend off. While the saying makes absolutely no grammatical sense, it highly entertains us that it pisses people off. So I brought it back to Atlanta, where sadly no one appreciates our humor. But you know who does?

The British*, that's who.

Turns out the saying is gaining popularity via the interwebs (why the fuck do I keep calling it that?) and youtube videos are popping up about it. What is the saying you ask?

Get Amongst It.



Similar to getting "all up in it" (thanks to Bulldog in Exile for pointing that out), Get Amongst It has become our go to phrase for going out on the town. Mainly because of the commentary it seems to generate whenever we use it as a facebook status. People either love or hate the shit and I'm all for anything that annoys people so I'm making it big, yo.

AND, this is supremely awesome, in 2004 some Australian rap group, Bliss N Eso, recorded a song called Get Amongst It. Sadly, it appears they were before their time as I can't seem to find lyrics or hear the song ANYWHERE. People back then were clearly still getting all up in it.

In other news, I like their take on Bullet and a Target. Totally off topic, but I found it and linked it so enjoy.

*And New Zealand, who held a competition that wasn't nearly as exciting as I had hoped. Also, search the phrase on youtube and those skateboard kids use it CONSTANTLY.

Friday the 13th say what!?!?!

Bullet format because complete sentences are for sissys. Kidding people, KID.DING.

• The internet and phone should be in working order when I get home. Thanks AT&T. Who literally arrived at my apt at 9:10 am and called me to let them through the gate. At 9:16 am they called to tell me everything is hooked up. So if fed ex delivers my modem, WE. ARE. SET. ALL SYSTEMS GO.
• I got the nicest email last night from a girl named Courtney. She has her own blog and is running with TNT. I added her to my charity page so if you are looking for someone to donate to, hit her or anyone else on that page up. They are working hard for the money, baby!
• Went to the gym today and did a cardio circuit. It is HARD to get up at 4:30 am and drive THIRTY minutes to Gold's Gym. But worth it to see my Gym Crush. Coincidentally we were both on vacay the same week so we're both struggling this week.
• Tim Tebow and the hyperbaric chamber. Thanks TMZ for breaking that story. I hate the guy. Sorry Florida fans but he makes me want to VOMIT. Also, how can a college athlete afford a hyperbaric chamber (retail at $20,000). And even if the story about renting it is true, I imagine that shit ain't cheap either. WTF?!?! Also, can my gym install one of these? I'll pay extra!
• LLWS. I don't know how many of you like baseball but I love the shit. Especially watching little kids who play because they LIKE it or they have TALENT. Say what you want about the Jersey Shore, but Toms River is the SHIT. Their teams are so good that Dover Township petitioned to rename the city after Toms River area because people around the country KNOW Tom's River. In 1998 they beat JAPAN. An entire country was beat by this town's little league team. HOLY CRAP I WISH I HAD BEEN THAT TALENTED. If you're bumming around, tune into ESPN today at 11 to watch them kick ass again (now that I said that, they'll lose).
• UGA Football. Needs to start NOW. I'm ready for it.
• Last but not least, this month will be a tough one as I have a bachelorette party this weekend, an engagement party next weekend and a wedding the following weekend. I'm about to gain 10 lbs in booze.

From Around the Interwebs

I'm moving in don't have internet in the new place yet. Since work is pretty much the least sexy place (at least my office), sex is not being blogged about by ME. Therefore, I've taken to the WORLD WIDE WEB to bring you some gems...

• imboycrazy.com- The Blind Leading the Blind (part 47). Something about wearing jizz cause men are attracted to the scent of men. Weird, me too.
• Hot Mess Party of One is exploring the world of internet dating. Which I too have done. She's just ballsier than I am.
• Strangely enough, it took a study for people to realize that casual teen sex affects a student's grades. Personally, I don't think the sex is why they are doing poorly. They're just being Miley, damnit.
• Thanks to Montana Fishbourne, you can now read about how Jennifer Ketcham feels about her own porn career at the Huffington Post. It took an over-priced therapist for this chic to realize that prostitution and pornography are the same damn thing.
• Please welcome Ella to the world of preventing pregnancies! Whew, now when I'm too lazy to locate a condom I can run to the store 5 days later and pop a pill. Crisis averted!
• If you have sex with an unwilling partner, just blame it on sleepwalking! Cause sleep sex is the best sex.
• Why isn't Mad Men the reality of today's working society? Clearly, I'm meant to be a part of this. The fact that the HP CEO got ousted over a close relationship where no relationship was proven is so ridiculous it should send a signal. Why does it matter? Did he still do a damn good job? Yes? Then leave him be.
• CNN explains that same-sex marriage is an equality issue, not a religious one. I'm on board with this. Why do people spend so much time passing judgement, anyway?

Things I Don't Want To Be Able To Do Via Facebook part 1

People, facebook is for internet stalking. Let's not make it a major hub of activities other than finding out who your ex is currently fucking/dating/engaged or married to, if your frenemy got fired and what stupid politics your pals are backing today. Don't get me wrong, I post links to my blogs and news articles and upload pictures but I'm not jonsing to use facebook for much else than seeing who got a boob job and who is fatter/poorer/less awesomer than me. With that in mind, I will begin compiling a list of things I do NOT want to be able to do via facebook.

Numero Uno:
BOOK TRAVEL THROUGH FACEBOOK

I know you are probably as confused as I. It's bad enough you're constantly asking me to like shit on facebook but now you want those liked pages to allow me to do shit too? What happened to the days of calling Delta or Airtran or JetBlue (who I wish flew from Atlanta to Philly so I could see awesome flight attendant shenanigans on the reg)? Why the fuck would I want to see that my ex got an STD after we dated* and then book a flight to Colorado for the UGA game? I understand utilizing social media to brand your, well, brand but this is taking it to a whole new level. Why does everything I do have to somehow be turned into fucking spam (don't get me started on businesses using texts to advertise to me)? Why can't this just be a site to connect like it was intended?

Remember the old days when you had to have a college email address to sign up? I want that shit back STAT.

It's a Virtual Race for Boobies!

Hey Adam, now that I've got your attention....

Anyway, my high school and college friend, Lauren is doing the Susan G Komen Race for a Cure and has been looking for fundraising ideas. I've been strapped for cash but I always want to help friends out and I thought this might be the PERFECT time to give the virtual race thing a shot. SOOOO, I am hosting a virtual race to raise money for Lauren's run!

The details (I almost put deets but I cannot STAND abbreviations 95% of the time so I thought it might be hypocritical. Whatevs):

Date: August 21-31
Time: Whenever you fit the thing in
Where: Location of your choosing
Distance: 5K
To sign up: Head over to Lauren's donation site and donate $5 or more as your sign up fee for the 5 K. Then email me at fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com that you've done so. I'll verify it with Lauren and set you up with your race number.
What's up for grabs: Fastest 5K gets a $20 iTunes giftcard. Prize will also be given for most creative race bib. Anyone who donates over $5 will be entered into a raffle to win a mystery prize. After you run your 5 k, email me with a picture or file of your bib (if you want to be entered into that contest) plus your finishing time.
Other things: Feel free to email me links to race reports you've posted on your blog to be posted here, also a photo of yourself plus your finish time to be included on my own race report. I will try to have it up by Tuesday at the latest PLUS I'll announce winners AND total amount raised!

Any questions or want to donate a prize for the raffle? Email me at fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com!

Thirsty Thursday

Cornhole Song...of which I plan on dominating during football season. Bitches.


Just call me Cornholio.

How a Life in Shambles Moves part dos

Well, the dining room table has been put back together by yours truly. Unfortunately in doing so, I've essentially locked myself in my apartment.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Did You Know? Cause I Sure as Shit DID NOT.

Just read on to see what is really grinding my gears presently.

Email from me to my apt on Friday at around 2:30 pm:

Last question I swear! Mailbox and key? I have two apt keys... Thanks- I love the place and you were a great help in finding it!

Reponse from apt Monday at 9:50 am:

The Post Office is down Roswell Rd. on the left beside the Dunkin Donughts and Outback Steakhouse. Go to usps.com to get an actual street address. You have to schedule an appointment to have your lock's re-keyed. Glad you like the place, let me know if you have any more questions.

Response to their response at 3:34 pm today:

I've never had to do this with another apartment complex so I wouldn't have thought to ask. I suppose that is a mistake on my part and a lesson learned. However, I'm a little disappointed I wasn't told about this to begin with, especially after calling USPS and finding out it is going to cost me $28 to have this service performed. Might want to keep that in mind for people you show these apartments to in the future. Knowing this up front would have made a difference to me as now I cannot have access to my mail until I have the money to pay for this service.

And their response to that at 4:05 pm today:

I'm not sure how many different apartments you have lived in, but this is a fairly common thing. We have no authority over the stand-alone mail box's. The Post Office has installed these stand-alone box's at 95% of our properties and all over Atlanta. The $28 is essentially the same thing as a set up fee for your power, cable, etc. If the $28 is too much for you to float at this point you can simply get a P.O. box. You are not required to set up your mailbox, it is simply for your convenience.

WHAT.THE.FUCK? And this completely relates to my planned WIG OUT WEDNESDAY about the post office and governments attempts to keep America working. Suffice to say, if you watch the news, USPS is reporting a decline in revenue. I'm not sure how since you are charging me fucking 28 to use my own mailbox.

Also, just in case anyone was wondering, I switched power companies and didn't have to pay any connection fees so my apt complex can kiss it.

And, I've lived in 4 apartments jackass and never had this happen before. And my parents, between the two of them, have lived in about 15 and never had this issue. So clearly, it has nothing to do with the number of apartments I've lived in and everything to do with you failing to mention pertinent details (other pertinent details I know nothing about: how to access the free wi-fi they offered me and whether I can use the closet with the number 14 on it below my apt).

Clearly, my decision making skills should be called into question at this point.

Twitter Tuesday

Bear with me, I'm scrolling through the ole UberTwitter on my Blackberry to find someone worthy. Meaning, no picture. Damn work blocking all the phone shit (with employees like me, I can't imagine why*). This week's selection for Twitter Tuesday (dear God, please have not let me have used him previously...) is @PottyMouthCon! He is a conservative but not a prude, enjoys cussing, considers himself a disgusting slimeball and his pee-pee tricked him. Oh, yeah, he blogs too. The only thing is, he spends a lot of time responding to tweeps so it's taking me a while to find good commentary without going back and forth between the two!

• Just got a busy signal. How quaint.
• @schnaklefarg Someone's not spraying fast enough**
• What in the name of holy sweet blue fuck is this happy horseshit?
• I fucking hate mosquitos. But I'll take a Brazilian skeeters over one fucking horsefly. Hate those fuckers.
• Based upon my observation of touron, er tourist, traffic, it must be illegal in Oregon to own any vehicle that is not a Subaru.
• RT @teh_Dede I could be wrong...but I thought deciding who was going to hell was God's job.// Yes, but I always like to make suggestions
• Dear Japan, sorry about that atom bomb thing, but you know what? You fuckers started it so suck it.
• The bladder of legend is now ready to be drained.
• I just wish these giant software vendors would admit up front that they hate their customers. At least then their websites would make sense.
• @Yo_Squirrely Which will work out nicely with my new slim Acai berry body and ginormous penis
• If all of your emails are marked with "High Importance" that means none of them are #cockpunch
• What in the sweet everlasting blue fuck is going on around this shithole? Just can't leave you fuckers to your own devices. Fuck! Ass!
• Drinking lamp is LIT, motherfuckers. It's Hump Day Eve. Good a reason as any to fire it up.

* In my defense, I usually blog from home but with the lack of internet at my present location...well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
** I like to imagine he means either piss or cum. Either way.

How a Life In Shambles Moves

Clearly there is no fucking rhyme or reason to this process despite my best efforts.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry