This ones for Luau...and Ashley...and Anna...and Ava.. and that Cop from Spring Lake

No, my July 4th wish list did not come to fruition (mainly because while floating in the middle of a semiprivate cove, my options for randos was pretty limited) but I had a great time anyway. Besides, had it actually I occurred I could whole-heartedly say that I am a giant slut. No, really. Why?

Well, three years ago, on July 3rd, I almost got a DUI. I could get into details but that is something better said on Life in Shambles than this blog. Long story short, the cop let me go. You may be wondering why on earth he would do so...well, I'm assuming he was tired of arresting idiots like me. Or maybe he found me amusing. Or perhaps, and this is the most likely, he was attracted to me. GASP.

Now, back then, I did not think he was attracted to me but it all became glaringly apparent this past weekend as I was biking home from the bars. Because once again, the blue lights were flashing behind me. Now picture this, I am wearing red shorts and a black tank top. I have a fucking back pack on like I'm heading off to camp. And I'm riding a bike that is clearly too big for me. I can't exactly just STOP riding. In fact, the only way I can pull over is to basically throw myself into a bush. That's right, my smooth move was to veer my fathers bike right into a fucking bush and pray I'd be able to get it off me when it came time to get my ass back up. This is not the first time I had tried this maneuver though the time before it resulted in a significant gash on my knee. Anyway...

Cop gets out of the car and basically hauls me. I'm not even talking to him for a full minute when he just starts cracking up. Turns out, Officer Eye Candy had let me go on that dui three years ago. I made such a fantastic impression that he actually remembers me (as does the cab driver he paid to take me home by the way). So, not only am I mortified by the fact that I just threw my ass into a bush in order to dismount a bike. But now I'm horrified that my luck would have the same damn cop be the one to witness this. He was very impressed with the fact that I had skipped the car and gone for the bike. As my luck would have it, he was coming off his shift and was hungry. I had the drunk munchies so when he not only offered me a ride home but also food, I hopped right on it.

Clearly, drinking will overcome all types of mortification. That and a sexy man in uniform.

Officer Eye Candy strapped my bike to his bike rack and let me into the front seat of the cop car (not the first time I have sat there believe it or not). We grabbed food at a dinner and had a great chat. On the ride home, my courage was at an all time high because I boldly looked at the cop I had spent the past two hours flirting with and said:

"You know, I've never had sex in a cop car before."

NO shame. NONE. What the fuck. Whore. Anyway, turns out Officer Eye Candy hadn't had sex in his cop car either. And since it was my last night in town, there was no time to wait. So what if he now thinks I'm a hussy. I HAD SEX IN A COP CAR BITCHES. It wasn't as sexy as it sounds. It was actually more funny than anything but it was fun. And I can check it off my bucket list of places to have sex. And people to have sex with come to think of it. I know you want to know the mechanics of this whole thing but I'll just leave you with this thought....they REALLY don't make cars like they used to. And that, my friends, is a damn shame.

Anyone else see fireworks in the bedroom over the 4th of July weekend?