Fuck Up Friday

I know you may find this surprising, but there are actually people out there whose lives are spiraling out of control at a faster rate of deterioration than mine. So I shall bring you summaries of how this is possible on Fridays. Perhaps even in cage match type style. In fact, I really like that idea. So I'm going with it. Today, I bring you Berryfine v La Loca aka Lindsay Lohan.

Career

In both cases, I can say WHAT CAREER? La Loca makes money just being a trainwreck(and suing E*Trade and Grey World Wide for calling her a Milkaholic. Embrace it, I say.) while I handle medical billing for 13 bucks an hour. While I have a job, La Loca has...Honestly, I don't know what the fuck she has. Apparently an awesome title of creative director of some shit ass clothing company. Though I don't know what she actually does since she didn't even show up for their latest runway show. So while I may have my shit together jobwise, La Loca wins simply because someone pays her money to do nothing while I have settled for working my ass off for $13/hr.

La Loca- 1

Berryfine- 0

Sexual Orientation

Does it breath? Then La Loca will try to fuck it. Let's be honest here, she's not a lesbian but claims to be deeply in love with Samantha Ronson (who, if I'm being kind, looks like a man so it's easy to understand La Loca's confusion) but had a string of male lovers. I'm not entirely certain that she would turn down a grizzly bear if it asked. I, on the other hand, prefer men. Period. Okay, maybe boys since their maturity level never seems to pass 2nd grade. Score a point for the confused trainwreck.

La Loca- 2

Berryfine- 0

Age

I clock in at a respectable, you-should-have-your-shit-together-by-now, why-aren't-you-married/procreating 26. La Loca is a mere 21 days older than my brother so she's 23. Look at all we've both accomplished! I win simply because I'm older and I deserve to win one fucking category.

La Loca- 2

Berryfine- 1

Audible

La Loca: "If I could change bodies with anyone it would be Britney Spears because how can you not like Britney Spears?" (ironic, no?)

Berryfine: "If I could trade bodies with anyone for a day it would be Nicole Ritchie. I could fatten that bitch up and her anorexia could jump start my weightloss."

I'm calling it a draw and awarding both of us points. Because mine is wildly inappropriate and La Loca's is not.

La Loca- 3

Berryfine- 2

Biggest Fuck Up

I'm not sure I could pick one for La Loca. That's asking a lot of me considering bitch has a DUI, passing out in a gas station parking lot, picking Twitter fueds and all manner of other things I can't even recall (but that you can check out here) to her name. I, on the other hand, have passed out in a cross walk and avoided being arrested by the skin of my teeth due to my wittiness. However, I was fired for telling everyone on facebook that I hate my job so I have that going for me. La Loca wins this by default. It's really not even a competition.

La Loca- 4

Berryfine- 2

Life Ambition

La Loca wants to live the life of Marilyn Munroe. On one hand, I feel sorry for her. On the other, the world would probably thank her for leaving before her time should be up. I mean seriously, this bitch is so pathetic that you don't even give her a second glance anymore. And trainwrecks are meant to be looked at. I have a goal to be paid to drink and I'm not sure how I'm going to work it but I'll be damned if I give up on this. I would win this category if I would just get some ambition but it's hard to top wanting to play out the trajectory of a dead legend, you know? Why put in the effort when La Loca has the top goal?

La Loca- 5

Berryfine- 2

*WINNER*

Did I forget to mention that she plays with knives?

I know there is some great stuff I missed out on so feel free to comment below and tell me what category you think is missing or what makes La Loca or Berryfine the winner of Shambliest Life (yes, I made that up...that deserves half a point right there).