The Ring Check

Soooo another one of my conquests has proposed to his girlfriend. I thought it was time to check in with the conquests and see who would still be up for a fuck if I dialed him now*.

1. The First- as far as I can tell, single. Last I heard, banging all his old conquests that are not currently engaged or married.
2. Penis Nano- just proposed to what I am assuming is Vagina Nano.
3. The Bartender- in a relationship. With a girl who shares my name.
4. Spring Break Guy- unknown.
5. Dr. Pothead- still in a relationship. Going on like 4 years. Told me last week he plans on proposing.
6. TrueLove- Engaged. Fiance moved from up north down to Atlanta to be with him and he popped the question.
7. The Whatever- Engaged. To a girl who apparently dislikes me despite never having spent more than 5 minutes with me.
8. Lucky Charms- single. And looking better than ever.
9. The Marine- MARRIED. Still. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.
10. The Groomsman- Single.
11. Batboy- In a serious relationship.
12. Spring Fling- Engaged to be married in TWENTY FIVE DAYS!!!! (Babe! so says his fiance on his facebook page).
13. The Sleeper- unknown
14. The Cable Guy- unknown
15. TD Tommy- unknown

* I know, even with a ring on it they could feasibly be down to fuck.

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sighhhh... Unlucky 13. I better fuck someone soon so I can get off that number.

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. TrueLove
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper
13. Touchdown Tommy

Berryfine's Reasons Why Not

Anyone remember that show Emily's Reasons Why Not? Yeah, me neither. Sorry, Heather Graham. But I did read the book it was based on and I thought of it today when my boss and I were talking about wedding announcements.

Boss: Are you excited for your trip to Vegas?
Berryfine: Well, if I actually get there and have any money when I get there then YES! Speaking of which the couple's wedding announcement is in the paper today. [I show it to her]
Boss: Oh, I love the picture.
Berryfine: The announcements are so boring though. It's like they exist simply so people's grandparents and parents can be mentioned in 8 pt font. [Boss laughs] Unless you're famous. Then they tell the story of how you met...

I launch into this story I found while stalking one of my one night stands via facebook which just made me realize...FUCK...he's not on the list so my number is actually 13. God. Damnit. WTF. So I guess I'll be amending that list soon. Anyway, read the story but the gist is this couple just kept missing each other and then timing and blah blah blah. Which lead to my boss saying this:

The man you are going to marry could be right under your nose!

To which, I responded without hesitation:

Good Lord! I hope not!

Which lead me to ponder why these guys wouldn't work out....sooo, here you go, for your enjoyment:

1. The First: Ummm, short or long version? Basically, the kid is a fuck up. Seriously, straight out of Rome, GA with the common sense of an ant (which is actually kind of an insult to the ant). Incredibly smart but ADHD and with no sense of right or wrong in that it applies to him, The First and I were way too volatile. You know how they say sometimes love isn't enough? Well, in this case love drove us both absolutely crazy. We literally brought out the worst in each other (not to mention we were straight off Jerry Springer). But the sex was great. If I could get past my mental qualms I'd probably go back for seconds. That and he'd have to lose some weight.
2. The Bartender: Monogamy occurred with Tony and my friend Krista. Who I hooked up after he and I finished having sex. I wanted a relationship, he needed a distraction from the break up. And now we are friends.
3. Spring Break Guy: Well, obviously, I have no clue what this guy's name is so that is problem number one. Number two would be that he had a girlfriend back home waiting on him to finish banging me in a bathroom. I know, epitome of class right here.
4. Dr. Pothead: Good Lord, ask my friend Shannon, this has got to be the biggest dick my vagina has ever encountered. I'm not sure my vagina could handle it. Not to mention he is super smart but kind of a space cadet due to massive quantities of weed inhaled.
5. TrueLove: Ohhhh TrueLove. He was the kind of guy who would throw you into a wall in public and just make out. With your entire face. And he has ex-girlfriend issues.
6. Penis Nano: I call him penis nano for a reason.
7. The Whatever: Well...we're best friends now. Everyone has a one that got away. This is that guy. He's bought a house with his current girlfriend so I'm sure marriage is on the horizon.
8. Lucky Charms: I used to joke this guy had lucky charms in his pants. It's not a joke. And I'm pretty sure this is the second and hopefully last guy Krista and I have both slept with.
9. The Spring Fling: Well, Matt was needy. Christ, we slept together on the beach on spring break and when we got back to school one time. He followed me around like a puppy. Which is nice on days you feel fat but on other days it is just obnoxious. If only I could take him out like a toy and play with him.
10. The Marine: Married. That would be a problem. And he had this obsession with not finishing during sex but waiting until after I fell asleep to go to the shower. WTF? Apparently, that less than one percent chance of pregnancy scared the fuck out of him but we both hated condoms. I'm sorry this will never work. And, as Vanessa can attest to, he was kind of dumb as a brick.
11. The Groomsman: My friend Brittany's fiance told me I could do better. On my birthday. Immediately prior to me ditching my friends to go get birthday sex with him. He is a great fuck buddy but lacks the common courtesy skills to be a boyfriend. Like, if something comes up and you aren't coming to pick them up, hello? CALL THEM. Jesus.
12. The Sleeper: Well, obviously, this guy will have sex anywhere and while I'm on the public places train I'm not okay with sex when other people are across the twin bed from me. Plus, we just met. Weirdo.
13. Batboy: Idk how I forgot this guy. I hiked home in the snow two miles to my friend Lexi's place after we had sex. The foreplay was great, the sex...so, so. All could be forgiven since he plays guitar except that he lives a fabulous life working for MLB, living in NYC and dating a gorgeous girl.

So, what are your dealbreakers? Could a guy you have already dated be the one? Would you be okay with that?

From the Mailbag

I know this may come as a surprise to all 5 of my public readers but the fact is I do have people who email me with questions in regards to various posts. So, I have decided I will address them periodically. If you have questions or comments, you are always welcome to leave them in the comments section or if your prudish nature would prefer the world not know you are asking me sexual questions, you can email me at mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com.


dude...hahahaha, first off...were you really asleep & he took it upon himself to put his penis inside you? cause if so....thats creepy as fuck & sexual assault...how long b4 u woke up u think & decided to go with it? why did you stop if he was already in? was it bad, or just morals? basically i need more deets!!!

Okay, I suppose I didn't really quench a thirst with my story of the first time I've done the deed in 6 months. The fact of the matter is alcohol was involved and I was asleep to begin with. But I will try my best to explain the thoughts and reasoning behind putting a halt to sexual conquest #12.

1. Yes, I did wake up to find tab B had been inserted into tab A. At first, I thought I was having a lovely dream so in between dreamland and reality I suppose I felt some foreplay going on...the lips at my neck, hands stroking over me. But since, I thought it was a dream I just continued to enjoy it. For all I know, I encouraged it through movement.
2. I don't know that I would go so far as to call this sexual assault. I didn't object to anything and we had been flirting through the night. Booze had been drank in mass quantities and I don't know if I egged him on while half asleep. So, I wouldn't go so far as to report him to the authorities since the memory of how it all began is muddled. Had he not stopped when I put a halt to it, then I would call it sexual assault.
3. I don't know how long this was going on because I was asleep when it started. I do know in the lovely dream I was having I was definitely having really good sex as a result of spooning. So it wasn't like the guy mounted me and began spasmodically thrusting into me. Of course, it all started in a dream like state so it seems rather nice when I recall the whole thing.
4. I never made a decision to go with it. When I realized I was in fact having sex and not dreaming as I usually am at night, I put a stop to it.
5. Why? Well, for one, I wanted to be fully conscious for my first time having sex in 6 months. For another, until the next day when I went on a stalking mission via facebook I did not even know this guy's last name. And thirdly, we were in a child's bedroom (not that I haven't done that before) at a house party. There were people all over the damn house, including in the room we were in. I'm slightly slutty but not an exhibitionist!
6. Finally, the sex was not bad. It was actually really good but that just could be because it was a real live penis attached to a real live boy. Morally, I have no objection to one night stands. I just wasn't in the moment as I felt I should be and I was not comfortable with the locale or the person. There was a time I might have ignored all of this but not anymore. At 26, I feel you've got to start having a little respect for yourself. But not so much respect to keep me from sneaking out and sleeping on a couch in the basement upon his falling asleep.

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sigh, here it is. The Big 12:

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. Lucky Charms
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper

Six Month Drought Ended!

Oh Good Lord. When I said I was going to Athens to pretend like I was still in college I had no idea I would literally be behaving like my parents still sent money used for booze rather than books, class was something I randomly attended when nothing better was going on and sex with randoms was just what you did. Out. Of. Control.

As, most of you know from this post, I hit six month no sex status last month. I celebrated by doing nothing and assumed this trend would continue for several months. This just shows that I had forgotten how easily booze could impact my life. But, don't worry, Jack Daniels helped me out with that one.

Last night, I headed to Athens to visit my bartender friend Krista. Krista is crazy and hot and extremely sexual. We tend to speak of vaginas like they are a group of our friends and not a part of our anatomy. I live vicariously through Krista's sexual shenanigans because I'm too chicken shit to participate in them myself. And I assumed, incorrectly, that this would be the case again last night.

How would you like to end your own personal sexual drought? Definitely with some mind blowing sex (which shouldn't be too hard considering how long it's been since a real live penis has creeped around the vagina). You would not, I repeat NOT, want it to end with drunken or sleepy sex. And, typical of me, that is how things went for me.

The Sleeper, with his blond hair and blue eyes, is the ideal fratty and perfect for some no strings attached sex. Despite that fact, I had absolutely NO plans to have sex with him. I indulged in three beers and then took a page out of Ke$ha's playbook and started swilling Jack out of the bottle while I watched other people get utterly retarded. Around 5:30 am, Krista found a room for me and The Sleeper followed me in and climbed into one of the twin beds with me. I have shared a bed with a lot of guys and not had sex so I wasn't worried about it and passed the fuck out.

The next thing I know, I'm having this lovely little dream where some sexy, stubbly kisses were traling over my neck and shoulders. I haven't had a sex dream in some time so I was thoroughly enjoying this.

Until, I realized, THERE WAS A REAL PENIS IN MY VAGINA. This was definitely not a dream. And I was in no way prepared to be having sex in a twin sized bed covered in a pink comforter of a little 8 year old girl. At first, my body just went with it. Damn, that felt real nice. Even drunk this guy was all over me with a finess that was impressive considering how well we did not know eachother and how much alcohol I had watched him swill through the night. I really enjoy being woken up having sex but not when I just met someone only hours ago!

Luckily, common sense prevailed and I put a stop to it. My vagina is pissed at me for it and I'm sure I'm going to have to rectify that with some solo-love and affection for it. I'm kind of pissed I didn't just finish the damn thing because now my number is back up and I didn't even orgasm for my (lack of) effort. Shit.

How have you ended a sexual drought? Was it disappointing or exactly what the doctor ordered?