I think, despite the low number of posts involving him, I’ve made my dislike to Tim Tebow pretty apparent. While I would say 20% of the dislike stems from the fact that he was and always will be a Florida Gator. As a Bulldog fan, I have been trained to dislike anything Florida upon learning of the association. In fact, I once named a pesky roach after Urban Meyer after their douchebag coach. The hatred has spread to South Carolina simply due to the fact that they hired that asshat (assvisor?) Head Ball Coach who apparently is giving himself more of a workout than his players so he can be harder on them thus driving them to success. Dude, let it go, they are the gamecocks for God’s sake.
Anyway, back to Tebow. Yesterday there was some chatter on facebook, specifically my friend Chris’ page about Tebow and the draft. Involving references to tears and eye black and general ridiculousness that surrounds him and including my very own, on the fly, Tebow drinking game. I was wondering the other day when the hell Jesus is planning on gracing us with his presence (third times the charm?) and how bad things will have to be for this to happen. Then I realized Tim Tebow IS Jesus. I mean things are pretty bad in the world right now and here’s Timmy boy giving small boys something to hope for by snipping at their manhood, making anti-abortion ads in which he divebombs his own Mother (shit, what is her name- Mary? Nope Pam) and, oh yeah, parting the red sea of football with his half-assed arm. I know, blasphemy you are thinking but whatever. My life is in shambles, I think it’s safe to say I have a long wait at the pearly gates so I might as well enjoy what I’m saying down here. What if Tim Tebow is our savior in a modern day sense? Suicide is frowned upon in Catholicism but if I have to drink Saint Timmy blood and eat his bread…whoa boy. I won’t make it.
Enough about Jesus. Another miracle (whoops) occurred last night in a sense that Timmy boy went in the first round. I had boldly predicted there might finally be some justice in this world and he’d go in the third round but NOOOO…Saint Timmy must have circumcised some extra boys and asked God for a favor while he had his ear because Denver used the 25th pick to snap up the former Florida Gator. Or perhaps, Denver knew they were his only option considering his Wonderlic score proved he doesn’t learn new things quickly so he needs a team with the same color scheme or he’s doomed for failure. Way to take one for the NFL Denver. Poor Knowshon. Luckily he’s a class act and will probably have nothing but accolades to heap upon his new teammate. I on the otherhand will be praying for Timmy’s mortality to be revealed so ESPN can find a new GREATEST COLLEGE PLAYER OF ALL TIME. With my luck, Denver will make use of him or he’ll be praised for making the team more cohesive and doing a bang up job holding a clipboard (“Do you see the way he wears those headphones? With authority. This team would be lost without him!” exclaims Joe Buck as he stares into Troy Aikman’s eyes). Jesus being his homeboy, they probably win the Superbowl, too.
Vomit.
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