I grew up as the oldest of three with a sister who has the misfortune of being the youngest. I say misfortune because despite the awesome path my brother and I beat for her, she has to deal with having 4 parents when it comes to things like her chosen attire (“Get upstairs and put some clothes on” is my personal favorite thing to say to her when she comes down the stairs wearing shorts), her boyfriends (“We christened one Triangle Man and proceeded to sing that section of Particle Man by They Might Be Giants anytime his name was brought up) and her ever changing figure (her boobs just made an appearance. That has been fun). The problem for my sister is that I am a solid 11 ½ years older than her and my brother is a scant 2 years younger than me. So, the two of us combine powers to make her utterly miserable.
I bring this up because the youngest child (“the chosen one” as we like to call her) has recently come into womanhood with the start of her period. For some reason, to me, this is entertaining as hell. Maybe because she is 14 and I got mine when I was 11 so she seems old to be getting her period. And my mom is so damn proud of her for using a tampon already (I started using tampons at the age too! I just used pads for 3 years...jeez) Or maybe because she is stunning and talented and so damn nice this is one of the few things I can make fun of her for. But the poor kid got her period and is mortified. Imagine your father singing “W-O-M-A-N, you’re a WOMAN” as you come down the stairs that night. Her complaints made me think of when I got my period. Since it’s kind of funny, I thought I would share the story with the few readers who don’t know it yet.
I got my period in fifth grade. I was 5’6” and easily the second tallest kid in my new school behind my crush, Kurt. I woke up that morning and went downstairs to get some breakfast. While my pop tarts were toasting, I hit the bathroom (I had my routine down to a science at that point. I didn’t waste anytime getting my shit done). What should I see when I happened to glance down but red staining my new panties. Well…damn. And, yes, I really thought damn because I was a precocious kid who happened to be from Jersey. Cursing is the way of speech in my hometown. Anyway, I was a little unsure of what to do since I hadn’t thought my period would be coming anytime soon.
I stuffed some toilet paper in my panties and ran to the phone and called my mom at work. It’s not like I hadn’t had sex ed and didn’t know what was going on but I think I was panicked because it is totally different when it happens to you. My mom answered and the following occurred:
Me:“Hey mommy. There is blood in my underwear and I’m not sure why.”
Mom: “Hang up and don’t answer when I call back”
Turns out she wanted the phone to wake my step dad up. Which it did and she quickly summed up the situation. Not a minute later, he bellows my name from the top of the stairs. I meekly climb them, wondering what is going on. What happens next, well, I’m not sure who was more embarrassed me or him (probably me. At this point, he had taken me to the doctor for a yeast infection and taught me to shave so…he was well-versed). He pulls a pad out of the box and unwraps it as he explains what it is an how to use it. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Body awash in a blush so red I don’t even think there is a color to describe it, I yank the box out of his hand, turn and run into the upstairs bathroom and slam the door on his explanation.
The rest of the day, I must have gone to the bathroom 20 times before lunch. My teacher obviously noticed since I had to get a pass every time and pulled me aside while everyone went out for recess. She very gently asked me what was going on and I immediately burst into tears and sobbed the whole story not very delicately into her arms. I was terrified I would bleed through the pad so she let me go to the bathroom without asking the rest of the week. Thank God she made it just a tad easier on me because I know there were other times that I wasn’t so cautious and ended up in nurse Sally’s office calling my mom for a change of clothes right next to the kindergartner who pissed his pants!
I bring this up because the youngest child (“the chosen one” as we like to call her) has recently come into womanhood with the start of her period. For some reason, to me, this is entertaining as hell. Maybe because she is 14 and I got mine when I was 11 so she seems old to be getting her period. And my mom is so damn proud of her for using a tampon already (I started using tampons at the age too! I just used pads for 3 years...jeez) Or maybe because she is stunning and talented and so damn nice this is one of the few things I can make fun of her for. But the poor kid got her period and is mortified. Imagine your father singing “W-O-M-A-N, you’re a WOMAN” as you come down the stairs that night. Her complaints made me think of when I got my period. Since it’s kind of funny, I thought I would share the story with the few readers who don’t know it yet.
I got my period in fifth grade. I was 5’6” and easily the second tallest kid in my new school behind my crush, Kurt. I woke up that morning and went downstairs to get some breakfast. While my pop tarts were toasting, I hit the bathroom (I had my routine down to a science at that point. I didn’t waste anytime getting my shit done). What should I see when I happened to glance down but red staining my new panties. Well…damn. And, yes, I really thought damn because I was a precocious kid who happened to be from Jersey. Cursing is the way of speech in my hometown. Anyway, I was a little unsure of what to do since I hadn’t thought my period would be coming anytime soon.
I stuffed some toilet paper in my panties and ran to the phone and called my mom at work. It’s not like I hadn’t had sex ed and didn’t know what was going on but I think I was panicked because it is totally different when it happens to you. My mom answered and the following occurred:
Me:“Hey mommy. There is blood in my underwear and I’m not sure why.”
Mom: “Hang up and don’t answer when I call back”
Turns out she wanted the phone to wake my step dad up. Which it did and she quickly summed up the situation. Not a minute later, he bellows my name from the top of the stairs. I meekly climb them, wondering what is going on. What happens next, well, I’m not sure who was more embarrassed me or him (probably me. At this point, he had taken me to the doctor for a yeast infection and taught me to shave so…he was well-versed). He pulls a pad out of the box and unwraps it as he explains what it is an how to use it. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Body awash in a blush so red I don’t even think there is a color to describe it, I yank the box out of his hand, turn and run into the upstairs bathroom and slam the door on his explanation.
The rest of the day, I must have gone to the bathroom 20 times before lunch. My teacher obviously noticed since I had to get a pass every time and pulled me aside while everyone went out for recess. She very gently asked me what was going on and I immediately burst into tears and sobbed the whole story not very delicately into her arms. I was terrified I would bleed through the pad so she let me go to the bathroom without asking the rest of the week. Thank God she made it just a tad easier on me because I know there were other times that I wasn’t so cautious and ended up in nurse Sally’s office calling my mom for a change of clothes right next to the kindergartner who pissed his pants!
So, do you guys have funny period stories? I can’t be alone in this! Do you still remember your first period as vividly as I do?
2 comments:
I don't remember the specific date of occurrence of the 1st time... but I do remember my mom travelled a lot (almost every weekend) due to being the debate coach and that being the height of the BHS debate team. Because of this fact, my mom had already sat me down, had the Aunt Flo talk (what it is, what to do, etc), and bought me a stock of supplies. As expected (around the age of 12/13) while my mom was on a debate trip, I got my first visit... freaked out a little, I went into action as my mom had explained. I never said a word to my dad or my brother and we had dinner that night at the Mellow Mushroom on 78 (the stone mtn side). I remember telling my mom when she came home on sunday and that was that :)
That sounds mortifying! To be so young, to have your mom hang up on you, to have your stepdad have to help you out - I would still be recovering from it!
My friend is an elementary school teacher, and she says that most girls get their periods in 3rd grade now. Way too early to have to deal with all of that, imho.
I still remember my first, although the story was rather uneventful. I thought I had a tummy ache the night before so my Mom gave me Pepto. The next day I got my period. My friend was the first in our class to get hers (two years prior) so I told her about it in Home Ec.
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