I Ain't No Ass or Tittie's Man

"I ain't no ass or titties man."

So says the creepy as fuck black guy who hits on me at Gold's Gym. I don't think he is trying to be intentionally creepy, just extremely obvious and it creeps me, personally, out. Usually he just comes over and tells me not to lose anymore weight and then licks his pillowy lips and checks out my legs (come to find out the legs are not his focus...more on that later).

Today, he was feeling a LITTLE more bold. Some might say brash. Or adventuresome.Or crude. Or even straight up perverted. There I am, no makeup, red gym shorts, gray t-shirt and sweat. Just chugging along on the elliptical and reading ESPN the Magazine (yes, I really am every guys dream girl...I kid.) when in walks this guy and his buddy. Since I happened to glance up, I waved. Because I didn't want to be rude.

Warning bells should have gone off.

Homeboy, and yes, he was a homeboy and not because he's black, hopped on the machine next to me and again started commentary on my weight. Saying once again that I have lost too much weight (for the record the last time he said that to me I weighed in at 158. Today, I weighed in at 158). Then it was like the floodgates opened. He proceeded to tell me how attractive I was and ask me all kinds of questions. Where I'm from (New Jersey)? What I do(medical billing)? Do I like it(no)? What do I want to do (journalism)? Do I have a boyfriend(...)?

I totally lied on that last one. If anyone asks, I've been in a relationship with my current beau for one year and four months. Where the fuck did that come from? I have no idea. I just knew I did not want this guy to think he had a shot. Especially, when the next line of conversation started after seeing ass padders (exactly what it sounds like) on Fox 5 and pointing them out to him.

"Yeah, I ain't no ass or titties man," he says.

"Oh?" (I thought this was very noncommittal...apparently not)

After a solid 30 seconds go by in which he stutters and generally looks like he can't think of what to say next...

"Are you trying to come up with a polite way to say whatever it is you are currently thinking?"

"Yeah but since you asked I'm just gonna say it," he laughs. Looks me in the eye and says:

"I like a fat pussy."

I'm sorry did I miss the train on this one? What the fuck is a fat pussy and how do you tell a girl has one without going down there and inspecting? Are we talking Lauren Conrad and beef curtains (thanks Perez for being a dick about that to the poor girl)? Or a vortex of whatever down there in between the lips? If so, apparently I'm his kind of gal. Is there anything you can do to ensure you have a fat pussy or is this just something god gives you? New spring break t-shirt: Official Pussy Inspector.

Would one call Coco's pussy fat? And is this the kind of attire you need to tell?

"I can usually tell with most women but with you...I'm having some trouble."

THANK CHRIST. Good lord, don't tell me if you do figure it out. Though I might have to go Charlotte on my vag and grab a mirror to take an inspection!

***Just for fun, this would be the person (and his company) that told me that. I figure you put it out there in a public place, I'm more than welcome to put it out there on my blog.