dear moms.

i have decided to write a little note to all those young moms out there and all those young moms to be. yes, this is going to be bitchy. i have decided i do not want children and lets be honest. i do not really want to hear about yours. so with that, here i go.

dear moms and future moms -

congrats on your bundle of joy… you have embarked on an awesome journey and i know you’re really excited. but parenthood is not for everyone and not everyone is as excited about sally sue as you are. i know you embraced facebook while in college boozing and you have made it part of your life, but it really is not the place to talk about everything baby all the time. So lets start while you’re expecting. Yay Baby! Post it on your status, get some congrats, drop it. We have ALL been through sex-ed. We have all seen tons of pregnant women. Your belly gets bigger and bigger. We do not need to see your WEEKLY progress, especially at week 2 when you cannot even tell there is an alien brewing in there. You’re excited, I get it. ….fast forward 9 months and bam you’re in labor. We do not need to see in labor facebook pictures followed by pictures of your little one covered in placenta and nasty shit. Share those memories with those in the room not with the world wide web. Fuck, I want NO ONE in the room as I push & scream if and when I accidentally get knocked up. Ok so you have gone home with your little baby. Aww how cute. *vomit* Now we do not care about if your baby is vomiting everywhere or has diarrhea or bumped his/her head on the coffee table or has a pesky cough that just will not go away or cannot sleep though the night. 9 times out of 10 you’re the only one in your circle of friends who has a kid because shit we’re 25 or 26 and still want to have a life. We cannot give you advice. Here is my advice…. google --- find a parenting forum or google your question. I promise there is some mom (or dad) out there that can answer your question or had the same question in the past. Better yet, call your mother. She has had a kid, she can give you all the advice in the world. Me with my bottle of wine?! I am not a helper. Oh and as you complain about how you have not slept in days or keep having to go to the doctor or wash dozens of bottles, I would like to remind you that you really wanted a little spawn so you spread your legs and hoped and prayed that the test showed two pink lines. Basically: you asked for it. So little Sally Sue is a year or so old and you want to have another kid… why would you poll the facebook audience on when would be the best time to bring another kid into the world?? We’re all still in the party and travel age, we like to spend Friday nights at happy hour on a patio with the rest of our babyless friends, we do not have kids so we do not know when the best time to have another one is. I have an idea – do not have anymore. I do not think I can handle hearing about Sally Sue’s fever as well as Billy Bob’s inability to stop sneezing. I really hope all you potential and current moms out there take all this to heart. Oh and lastly, Sally Sue is actually not that cute so please stop posting pictures of your ugly child on the internet... but my office does get a lot of laughs out of them. laugh of disgust.

With love, Barbie :o)

Just so you all know, I am not jealous of people with kids. I am 4 steps away from defriending this girl on facebook over “Haley” posts every fucking day. The only reason why I am not is because I do not feel like dealing with her when I see her back in VA at Christmas Eve service. But I want to look her in the face and say, “your child looks like an alien and I do not give a flying fuck about her ailments that you are probably being over dramatic about.” I would like to remind her that she was the biggest cry baby growing up and she was always getting “injured” and having to go to the doctor. She is passing the drama queen & hypochondriac gene onto her daughter and thinking about bringing another child into this world. God help us all.