Twitter Tuesday

So word on the street is my last Twitter Tuesday bitch left Twitter. Which sucks since you missed out but there is nothing I can do about it. Bitch all you want but I can't control these tweeps, ya know? And they don't audition for this spot so I can't have them fill out an application or sign a contract swearing they will remain not only on twitter but funny as well. I just have to cross my fingers. Ah, well, you win some you lose some. I had someone awesome picked out for this week but last tweet I saw was she was thinking of cancelling her account. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Well, in the spirit of the recent holiday, I'm here to let you know Jesus has, in fact, died and rose again. And come again. Or some asshole is impersonating him. Either way, he made me laugh on April Fools Day so add my homeboy @TheJesusHChrist immediately. I could go with all kinds of biblical reasons right here but let's be honest, I'm not well-versed in the bible. It kind of lost me on the first page. The perils of Catholicism, I know. Now, I'm definitely drawing ire of people who don't really follow me and God. Whoops. A sampling of the gospel according to the man himself:

• @alexxbond Same fuckers who "eat my body" and "drink my blood" at church. Hypocrites.
• Why isn't anyone eating a chocolate JESUS? That's what I want to know. Shit.
• Seriously, a fucking RABBIT? That's the best you people could come up with?"But we also have marshmallow candy, Jesus!" Yeah, fuck you.
• You people can quit right now with your April's Fool's bullshit. No one will ever top that little prank I pulled in the cave years ago.
• Hope everyone had an excellent Palm Sunday.Mine was great, thanks for asking. Just me... and my palm.
• You know what never gets old? Giving communion at church and telling people to "eat me." hahaha...ah the little things.
• Sometimes when I'm feeling it, I like to go to a crowded place... and just start telling people about myself.
• I'm a superstar. When the other neighborhood kids were playing with sticks, I was performing miracles and shit and OH MY GOD I'M SO LONELY.
• Best "@"I've ever received: Every Sunday I get hammered for you since you got nailed for me./ via @BadGuyZero. Amen, brutha!
• How considerate is it the way you people are always waiting for my coming?... Ladies? You first.

In case you are extremely dense, and I know some of you are out there, this guy is OBVIOUSLY not Jesus. You might think he's a dick for doing this but I happen to find it funny. You may smite me now.