My struggle to get healthy is well-documented in this blog- pictures included. My workouts, my failings, my binges, my healthy meals...my successes. You would think being back to the weight I was at when I started this blog (correction struggling mightily to maintain the comfy 4 lb cushion I have before I hit that weight) would be my lowest point. To date anyway.
However, even with the fat rolls appearing in my midsection and the complete lack of motivation, I have never truly felt bad about myself. Want to lose weight and fit in my clothing? Sure. But truly feel bad about myself? Never.
I've added strength training to my workouts and have started back on the long journey to cardio fitness and running. All in all, I was starting to feel much better about where I am going in 2011.
Until today's run.
I got up this morning with a renewed sense of purpose. I was going for a morning run. No letting the day get away from me. I had a plan. I put on my UGA Nike Tempo shorts, a black drifit t-shirt and laced up my shoes. The Garmin, which has been charging for a month now during my sloth-like inactivity, was ready to go. The iPod, also unused in the past few weeks, was fully charged. My running playlist, which just a mere three weeks ago seemed stale, was amping me up.
I WAS GOING RUNNING.
The first mile and half felt good. I hit the mile mark and rather than turning around, I kept going. I decided I would run 2 miles out and then walk 2 miles home. And I was feeling good. I wasn't going my fastest but the day was gorgeous and I was running some hills.
And then it happened.
"HEY FATTY!!!! HOW FAST YOU GOING?"
In all of my life, I have never been called fat to my face. Okay, once by this girl my college boyfriend cheated on me with and later dated. But I didn't really let that bother me as she weighed more than me so who was she to talk (ironically, I was 20 lbs lighter then than I am now).
I was mortified.
And more than a little hurt.
Here I was, doing the best I can to better myself and this attractive (on the outside anyway) guy in a jeep is yelling at me. Doesn't it count for something that I am out there slugging up that fucking hill? What did I do to deserve that remark (except eat way too much food in the past 27 years of my life)? And to make matters worse, he laughed and repeated it to his buddy in the driver's seat so he could have a nice chuckle too.
Never one to let people know they've hurt me, I looked him dead in the face and said FUCK OFF. I never slackened my 10 minute mile pace. I just kept trucking that last half a mile.
All feelings of pride that I was out there and I was doing the damn thing had fled. Replacing those feelings were thoughts of failure. Of wondering why I didn't just enjoy the fuck out of my food and give up being healthy. If I'm going to get called fat running, I might as well get fatter and enjoy doing it. I felt inadequate. I felt ugly.
I was humiliated.
Every car that passed by, I imagined the driver and passengers wondering to themselves what that fat slob thought she was doing. By the time I hit mile 2 I felt completely depressed.
I spent the next 2 mile walk home alternately crying and getting pissed. I imagined marching out into Peachtree Street and giving that asshole a piece of my mind. I imagined decking him (which probably would have resulted in me being the one who was hurt with a broken hand instead). I imagined the whole thing never happened. That I was 5'8" and lanky like my sister.
Instead, I am me. I am 5'6" and weigh in at 172 lbs today. I eat too much but try to watch that it is healthy. I run when I can and ride the exercise bike. I try to add weight training. And I am trying my best to be happy with who I am RIGHT NOW. I wouldn't say I'm oblivious to the fact that I could be healthier and happier but most of the time I am pretty confident with who I am.
I'm just not sure how long it will take to get back to feeling good about myself after today's incident which has left me completely shaken. It may sound stupid but it really hurt and it makes me never want to leave the apartment in order to avoid it happening again.
20 comments:
i am SO sorry that happened to you today, what an asshole!!!! you are fabulous the way you are, no matter how much you weigh! you are out there doing it and trying your best, and that makes you better than that piece of shit! i can only hope that one day karma repays that FUCK WAD one day!!!!
Oh man! That pisses me off. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Here's the thing you have to remember - that guy is an ass.
You WERE out there running, feeling good, doing good. Whatever that guy says doesn't change that and it doesn't change the fact that you are a pretty frakkin cool chick. Hold on to both those feeling though (the one at the beginning of the run and the one at the end) and use them as motivational tools. Use that positive feeling to stay motivated, and when you start to fatigue, use the negative one to kick some ass.
YOU are awesome. Don't ever forget it.
Seriously, that guy was an ass. I am so sorry that he said that to you! I go through those thoughts every time I work out, wether it is in the gym or (attempting) jogging outside, so I understand how a comment like that can completely deflate any pride you had before it. That guy has no idea what he is talking about, and probably insecure in the fact that you are out there working hard for something that he probably doesn't do. You have accomplished so much with your training, running, and marathon. Don't let this one ass ruin that fact. You are a beautiful person with one hell of a cool personality. I agree with the comment above, use this negative shitass' comment to you fuel your motivation!
He was/is a total tool, but unfortunately knowing that doesn't make the hurt go away. Just know that I envy your zest for life and humor and your looks (and that you have crazier Athens stories than I do). You're an awesome girl and should be proud of all the running accomplishments you've had already.
Wow that guy is a total fuckwad. I'm so sorry someone would ever be so rude to you. It reminds me of the time I was around 150-something on a bus, and overheard some guys talking about how thick my legs were as I got out of the bus. I was destroyed. Please don't let one person bring you down. There are lots of men out there who prefer women who are not just sticks. And you're FIT and healthy so that is the main thing. I'm glad you told him to fuck off.
www.saywhathalifax.com
erin,
my husband, luau told me your story just now and i immediately asked for your link.
i read your post through tears for so many reasons. i'd say that i'm with you - that i'm right there fkking WITH you - but i'm not.
i'm with you on eating too much. i'm with you on weighing so very much more than i should or want to or could possibly feel remotely good about. i'm with you on the guilt and the anger.
but honey, i'm not with you suiting up and getting my fat ass out on the road. instead, i'm sitting on the couch, right where i've been for the last YEAR watching every opportunity to get healthy pass me by.
YOU, on the other hand, are DOING something. you're out there, you're taking action, you're taking care of yourself, you're taking those first steps (maybe for the second, third of fourth time, but you are taking them!) and for that alone, you have so very much to be proud of.
but i get it. god, do i get it.
in the twenty years since it happened (yes, i'm older than you by a bit, my dear), i've never been able to forget the college friend that said to me, 'she was HUGE. i mean, her hips were wider than YOURS.' was i that heavy? no. was she being a complete bith because she was passive aggressively punishing me for something else? yes. but did it EVER stop stinging because it represented every insecurity i had and have about my weight? nope.
please, please, PLEASE take the energy from the anger and let it drive you to KEEP GOING.
i have no right to preach to you from my couch. none. but by god, i can't stand by (ok, sit by) and not tell you that some jackass in a jeep can NOT have the power to stop you. he just can't. he doesn't deserve it. what he deserves is a nike where the sun don't shine, but he sure as hell does NOT deserve your self esteem.
go get em, girl. and next time you see the jackass in the jeep, tell him you've got a couple of friends that would like to have a word.
hugs,
jess (aka mrs luau)
I am so sorry that you had to deal with such an ass. Please, please don't let one jerk keep you from moving forward. While I spend more time on the couch than exercising, you inspire me to keep trying. What you post here on this blog reminds me that I can run. Never ever forget that you are touching lives here even if we don't always tell you. Keep on truckin'!
arg. i hate him. E. I am sorry you had to have some douchebag scream at you. i hate how people can be so mean and so hurtful. but like everyone else has said - you were out there running, to better yourself. i think you're awesome and i think you're beautiful and though it stings and frusterates you, you have to know that guy is a coward - to scream at someone as he is driving by. and yes it 100% counts that you were out there getting up that hill. Everyone who counts in your life thinks you're amazing and caring and selfless [you wouldn't be my moh if you weren't] so try not to let some moron make you think differently. and if we ever see him out, i will punch him in the face for you so you dont have to hurt your hand!! I love you E!
Ugh, some people can be completely a-holes! Don't let him think you are fat, ugly or even depressed about that. He is a piece of crap that probably can not even run 5 steps without wanting to pass out. You are out running to keep yourself happy, your heart healthy, and to maintain your awesome self esteem that you have! You are absolutely gorgeous the way you are lady.
That does suck, but I must ask - was this a stranger or someone you know? I think it would hurt more coming from someone I know. If it were a stranger then let it slide. Rather than assume the asshole was right consider that he was lashing out at you to make himself feel better about something wrong in his life. Turn it around and pity that sorry bastard. You know your issues. You confront them. You struggle to be better. This guy is unknown and maybe has his own dark issues that he suppresses by belittling strangers.
I get looks from people while on the run. I used to get cat calls and blown horns because I looked bad out there. Not so much anymore. I did get a few shouts from some guys playing whiffle ball a few weeks ago. But they were gone when I came back on the tail end of my run 2 hours later. The point is to be better that that petty shit people throw at you. Let it be fuel. Maybe you aren't the size you want to be, but you certainly can be as awesome as you want to be.
I also punched as old man a week ago. He was in a restaurant parking lot with his wife and another couple. I assume he was (slightly) intoxicated. I heard the comments as I don't run with music. "Look at the running man!" Then I realized he was running after me like I was Forrest Gump. I stopped to confront him and only afte he backed off did I resume my run. I was 23 miles into a 26 mile training run so I was a bit tired. The encounter shocked me and pissed me off, but I had to assume it was an unsuccessful attempt to be unfunny. It unsettled me for a while. I may never see this ass again, so on I run.
You may never see your heckling punk again, so on you run. And should the two of you cross paths again, and should he give you more of the same, remember that while he is still an ass you are still running. Run on Erin.
Run on.
Hey - That's guy is an ass. The good news is karma is a bitch and he'll get his soon enough. He's likely to hit forty and go straight down from there b/c he's hardly ever had to work for anything in his life. How do I know that? Because anyone who's worked really hard to accomplish something, I'm taking about something that's not easy for them, would never had said something like that.
I have a weird turn on this. I am classic case of someone being a small guy turned strong. Without the bullies all those years ago, I would not be the strong person I am now (beyond just the muscles). So every once in a while, I thank them (in my head) for pushing me past their own capabilities. I am a better man for it. I often refer to an article by Henry Rollins.
http://www.oldtimestrongman.com/henryrollins_iron.html
The most notable quote from the reading is "200 pounds is always 200 pounds." I always thought this was a meathead mentality. But in the end it is really a statement of thanks. 200 pounds will always be 200 pounds despite how you are feeling, if you have had a bad day, lost your keys, or had someone call you a name. The weight will never take pity and for that Henry Rollins is thankful.
Challenge Everything
Erin,
For the love of God and all that is holy DO NOT take in his words. DO NOT. His remark was/is about him and his lack of respect for self and others. He is a bully and on some level you know this, you do. For whatever the reason it hit you hard, look at what this moment has taught YOU. That you can either sit by and allow others to change your behavior (no more running) or continue on the path that YOU are on right now. Listen to us if you have to for now, and then listen to the inner self and get back on the treadmill of life and LIVE!
xo
Sheila, twitter friend to Luau, and mother to a beautiful 9 y/o special needs kid who, "runs like his hair is on fire".
A few months ago, some chick smoking a butt said to my *trainer* as she ran past "Why bother?"
Do you know how I know this? She told me because it hurt. Alot. This woman can out-run me with one foot tied behind her back. And some loser with a ciggy butt hanging out of her maw managed to rip out her self confidence.
It happens to the best of us. Remember that you might have a couple of pounds to loose, but he's an ass. You'll loose those few pounds and he'll still be an ass.
Run like a mo-fo girlfriend.
I agree with all above and would add that, as someone who works in a profession where a fair amount of assholish behavior is directed toward me on occasion, I will tell you that the one strategy that has helped me is to try to look at the person with pity.
Pity, you say? As strange as it sounds, I try to think to myself how sad and pitiful it must be to be so tasteless, so cruel, so completely devoid of any decency. That, to paraphrase Animal House, is no way to go through life. Anyone with that level of social and moral cluelessness probably lives a pretty pathetic life and will continue to. How sad for him.
Add to that the fact that he probably could not run to the end of his driveway.
You, however, were out there working. Good for you. I hope that you will turn this into a catalyst for good, and for what it's worth I love what I've read of your blog. Thanks to Luau for suggesting it to those of us who follow his.
Hang in there, girl. Pity the fool, and be on your way.
I've gotta get this comment in quick - wish I had time to say everything I want to say but freelance work time beckons. I read Luau's post and DO NOT LET THIS PERSON DEFEAT YOU!!!!! I know it's easier said than done, and as a parent who had my 14 year old called "ginger" from a "mean girl" at school (there have been other things but we'll leave it at that) I definitely concluded that saying "ignore it" to your kid is as useless as it sounded when I was the kid and my parents were telling me that.
Suffice it to say - you have an entire community of supportive runners out here - I do not have that typical runner physique and it easily could have been me insted of you. I don't know you but I know you would have come to my defense.
Hang in there ....
This guy deserves a punch in the groin! Grr... At least you were out there running and enjoying yourself. Don't let him and people like him win by taking the joy out of running for you! Get right back out there, keep running on the roads with your head held high! You are awesome and don't forget it.
Wow, I'm in total shock! I'm not sure I would have been strong enough to say anything. I just started running (more like walk/jogging) but I still only do it at the gym (an all ladies gym at that). I am 5'6 and weigh well over 172. I've struggled with weight my entire life but started working out and losing weight 2 yrs ago. I've had a baby since and still fight the good fight. I hope you know you inspire me; putting your life on a blog like this is so personal and very real! I definitely think you should keep doing it and don't let it get to you. He is obviously insecure about something and thought he could bully someone. Stay Strong!
Um, wow - what a total douche bag!! That seriously pisses me off. It is thoughts of things like that happening that cause me to do most of my runs at night, or in places lacking in people. In February I had two boys blatantly laugh at me and take a picture of me running. I flipped off long hair boy and I believe it was "Fuck off you little bastard!" and kept running. After my run - where I felt amazing for finishing my first 10 mile run - I saw them again. Long hair ran to his friends, pointed and they all started laughing again. What the fuck? Seriously! I mean we are out there actually doing something, unlike most of America. That whole incident still bugs me, but then I TRY (doesn't always work) to remember that I am actually doing something positive and awesome, and that in the end I totally could have kicked that stupid kid's ass!
Ugh - I want to kick that mean guy of yours hard, square in the knee!
Awwwww, I had this kick ass comment all typed up and it got lost in the interwebs. Well, trust me that it was incredible and uplifting. Screw him, you've had better.
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