A New Low

My struggle to get healthy is well-documented in this blog- pictures included. My workouts, my failings, my binges, my healthy meals...my successes. You would think being back to the weight I was at when I started this blog (correction struggling mightily to maintain the comfy 4 lb cushion I have before I hit that weight) would be my lowest point. To date anyway.

However, even with the fat rolls appearing in my midsection and the complete lack of motivation, I have never truly felt bad about myself. Want to lose weight and fit in my clothing? Sure. But truly feel bad about myself? Never.

I've added strength training to my workouts and have started back on the long journey to cardio fitness and running. All in all, I was starting to feel much better about where I am going in 2011.

Until today's run.

I got up this morning with a renewed sense of purpose. I was going for a morning run. No letting the day get away from me. I had a plan. I put on my UGA Nike Tempo shorts, a black drifit t-shirt and laced up my shoes. The Garmin, which has been charging for a month now during my sloth-like inactivity, was ready to go. The iPod, also unused in the past few weeks, was fully charged. My running playlist, which just a mere three weeks ago seemed stale, was amping me up.

I WAS GOING RUNNING.

The first mile and half felt good. I hit the mile mark and rather than turning around, I kept going. I decided I would run 2 miles out and then walk 2 miles home. And I was feeling good. I wasn't going my fastest but the day was gorgeous and I was running some hills.

And then it happened.

"HEY FATTY!!!! HOW FAST YOU GOING?"

In all of my life, I have never been called fat to my face. Okay, once by this girl my college boyfriend cheated on me with and later dated. But I didn't really let that bother me as she weighed more than me so who was she to talk (ironically, I was 20 lbs lighter then than I am now).

I was mortified.

And more than a little hurt.

Here I was, doing the best I can to better myself and this attractive (on the outside anyway) guy in a jeep is yelling at me. Doesn't it count for something that I am out there slugging up that fucking hill? What did I do to deserve that remark (except eat way too much food in the past 27 years of my life)? And to make matters worse, he laughed and repeated it to his buddy in the driver's seat so he could have a nice chuckle too.

Never one to let people know they've hurt me, I looked him dead in the face and said FUCK OFF. I never slackened my 10 minute mile pace. I just kept trucking that last half a mile.

All feelings of pride that I was out there and I was doing the damn thing had fled. Replacing those feelings were thoughts of failure. Of wondering why I didn't just enjoy the fuck out of my food and give up being healthy. If I'm going to get called fat running, I might as well get fatter and enjoy doing it. I felt inadequate. I felt ugly.

I was humiliated.

Every car that passed by, I imagined the driver and passengers wondering to themselves what that fat slob thought she was doing. By the time I hit mile 2 I felt completely depressed.

I spent the next 2 mile walk home alternately crying and getting pissed. I imagined marching out into Peachtree Street and giving that asshole a piece of my mind. I imagined decking him (which probably would have resulted in me being the one who was hurt with a broken hand instead). I imagined the whole thing never happened. That I was 5'8" and lanky like my sister.

Instead, I am me. I am 5'6" and weigh in at 172 lbs today. I eat too much but try to watch that it is healthy. I run when I can and ride the exercise bike. I try to add weight training. And I am trying my best to be happy with who I am RIGHT NOW. I wouldn't say I'm oblivious to the fact that I could be healthier and happier but most of the time I am pretty confident with who I am.

I'm just not sure how long it will take to get back to feeling good about myself after today's incident which has left me completely shaken. It may sound stupid but it really hurt and it makes me never want to leave the apartment in order to avoid it happening again.

I'm single because I was born that way

The above is a quote from Mae West (great lady she was). I stumbled across it while trying to think of something funny about being single. Then I thought to myself, Why not look for quotes about being single. Which led to me googling "single quotes." When you follow my lead, be sure to click on the about.com section of dating to view what I found ("When you need a pick me up in terms of being single, often times someone who has been there before and navigated the course can offer sage advice and wise counsel. These being single quotes come from a variety of sources, and are intended to be used as inspiration. " Thanks About.com for always looking out for my self esteem!) Now, onto the important part of the post...why I, wonderful person that I am, am single. I know, you probably wonder as well.

1. This post came about because I took Valentine's Weekend to travel with one male friend to go visit another male friend in Charleston, SC. I really wanted to get away from all my friends who are dating, married or at least had a date for that night. So on night one I discovered something that really I should have discovered a long time ago. Okay, maybe I always knew it but failed to acknowledge the truth. The fact is... I cannot stand sharing a bed with someone. I mean they end up all up in your shit. And I like my room freezing so I can snuggle under the blankets. Everyone else I have encountered is not a fan of this. Also, sometimes people snore. I probably snore but that doesn't mean I want to hear it coming from you (funny side note- I have totally woken myself up with a snort in my sleep. Always weirds me out.) Also, I like total darkness. Meaning, no I do not want to fall asleep watching tv. Especially if you decide Sports Center is your show of choice to lull yourself to sleep. The great thing about Sports Center is you will wake up watching it as well because they play it on repeat from like 11pm to 8 am. So while you are enjoying a deep restful sleep, I am wide awake watching Sports Center for the upteenth time. Frankly, by the second time I am sick of it. So in summary, I like my bed empty, my room cold, no outside noise or light. Solution: SINGLE!

2. I absolutely cannot stand shaving. I hate everything about it- the lather, the razor, the burn afterwards. Honestly, it's a lot of work and by the end of the day I'm already prickly (TMI- Now NO ONE is going to want to date me.) Plus a good razor is getting expensive these days. It takes a lot of time too. The obvious solution would be to go another route. Here is why I cannot or will not take those other routes: 1. Those lotion things have nothing going for them. They smell terrible, they BURN. I mean BURN. And on top of those two terrible things- THEY DON'T WORK! 2. Waxing. At home, never works out for me. I am a freaking baby and it hurts. And it costs money to go to a salon. PLUS you have to let it grow to a certain length before waxing so there will always be a prickly time. 3. Laser Hair Removal. I can only really complain about this because I cannot afford it. I need it, I want it, someday I will have it. For now, I hate shaving, I do it as little as possible and I think that until I solve this problem I just shouldn't date.

3. I hate myself naked. And that will probably never change. But honestly, hating yourself naked really is a terrible thing and until I can at least pretend like I might someday like myself naked, no one else is seeing it.

4. I'm lazy. I am so lazy. Half the time I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I mean it just takes forever and I'd rather sleep the extra thirty minutes. I considered getting my makeup tattooed on but let's be honest, that is slightly ridiculous (at this point in time).

5. I can't cook. Not even I would date me for this fact. I tried to do some veggie panini thing the other day and ended up eating left over chicken fingers (see I hate myself naked). The few things I can cook are omelets, pasta, chicken and yeah that sums it up. I make a mean sandwich though- I worked at Panera for 3 years and Quizno's for about a year so it's hard not to be good at that. Plus cooking comes with cleaning and I absolutely hate cleaning.

6. I hate going out in downtown Atlanta. I have yet to find a place I can relax. I feel like I am always on my guard. Everyone is always judging (myself included). And I live 20 minutes outside of it so it is a pain. I always want to drive drunk home. The easiest way to combat this is of course to just drink in my own home- no driving required. And as my nice friend put it the other day, I will never meet someone if I don't ever go out. So, I will be single. Forever I guess.

7. I never want to bring a guy home to meet my parents. I'm going to be completely honest when I say this but I always feel like the guy is not good enough to bring home. The one guy who could be good enough is not interested so we will never have to worry about this possibility. Plus there is always the chance that mom and dad or potential boyfriend will embarrass me. In ways I cannot fathom and never want to encounter. I mean my parents are cool but who I am with my parents and who I am without them can be polar opposites and there is no reason to bring the two worlds together at this point.

8. I'm batshit crazy. This one is so important I not only bolded it, I italicized it as well. I'm pretty sure there is a way to highlight it but that seems slightly excessive. Maybe later. I've actually been in therapy for anxiety issues, there is an history of alcoholism in my family that I pretend does not exist, and I make up entire conversations between me and anyone else who is not really there just to get my anger, sadness, aggression or happiness out. I think sometimes I wish my life was a romance novel and that even creeps me out. On top of all of this, I am female and I like males and well there isn't a sane female out there who enjoys males. They absolutely make us crazy and I dare you to find one person this isn't true for. I haven't tested females who like females yet because I have no interest in females but anyone wants to chime in on that one, go for it!

Well, those are the glaringly obvious ones at this point. I'm sure I will think of others. Or maybe sometime one of these things will change. I guess now I will go listen to Natasha Bedingfields Single '08 song to boost my spirits!