Dear Fatter than Normal Self,
We have got to work together to put a STOP to this blowing up you seem to want to do. I know you're working out. I know you're TRYING (and I might add failing miserably) to eat healthy. What the fuck is it going to take for you to get back on the healthy living (and therefore slimmer, sexier self) train?
Is it the fact that the FAT surrounding your middle make it painful to do side crunches? Cause seriously that should help our cause.
Is it the back fat you can now feel weighing you down as it meets your ass fat? Cause that should help our cause.
How bout the stretch marks making themselves known? That is seriously unsexy.
Or the nauseous feeling you get after overeating? You like that cause we don't.
Mmmmm those lines you sport from your clothes digging into your fat rolls are sexy too. Not to mention uncomfortable the minute you remove them.
I think I could go on for hours but seriously let's just get our shit together and work on this. Eat healthy, exercise and be positive. I think we could turn this out of control downhill slide into a slow and steady climb to the top.
I propose we start by taking advantage of your religion. It's there for a reason and that reason is to provide you with LENT. So, NO SODA for 40 days. I guarantee that bloated feeling you have will go away. And your distended tummy might shrink down before it looks like you're 6 months preggers.
Besides, don't you want to look good naked?
XOXO,
Berryfine
Showing posts with label Naked. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Naked. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I'm single because I was born that way
The above is a quote from Mae West (great lady she was). I stumbled across it while trying to think of something funny about being single. Then I thought to myself, Why not look for quotes about being single. Which led to me googling "single quotes." When you follow my lead, be sure to click on the about.com section of dating to view what I found ("When you need a pick me up in terms of being single, often times someone who has been there before and navigated the course can offer sage advice and wise counsel. These being single quotes come from a variety of sources, and are intended to be used as inspiration. " Thanks About.com for always looking out for my self esteem!) Now, onto the important part of the post...why I, wonderful person that I am, am single. I know, you probably wonder as well.
1. This post came about because I took Valentine's Weekend to travel with one male friend to go visit another male friend in Charleston, SC. I really wanted to get away from all my friends who are dating, married or at least had a date for that night. So on night one I discovered something that really I should have discovered a long time ago. Okay, maybe I always knew it but failed to acknowledge the truth. The fact is... I cannot stand sharing a bed with someone. I mean they end up all up in your shit. And I like my room freezing so I can snuggle under the blankets. Everyone else I have encountered is not a fan of this. Also, sometimes people snore. I probably snore but that doesn't mean I want to hear it coming from you (funny side note- I have totally woken myself up with a snort in my sleep. Always weirds me out.) Also, I like total darkness. Meaning, no I do not want to fall asleep watching tv. Especially if you decide Sports Center is your show of choice to lull yourself to sleep. The great thing about Sports Center is you will wake up watching it as well because they play it on repeat from like 11pm to 8 am. So while you are enjoying a deep restful sleep, I am wide awake watching Sports Center for the upteenth time. Frankly, by the second time I am sick of it. So in summary, I like my bed empty, my room cold, no outside noise or light. Solution: SINGLE!
2. I absolutely cannot stand shaving. I hate everything about it- the lather, the razor, the burn afterwards. Honestly, it's a lot of work and by the end of the day I'm already prickly (TMI- Now NO ONE is going to want to date me.) Plus a good razor is getting expensive these days. It takes a lot of time too. The obvious solution would be to go another route. Here is why I cannot or will not take those other routes: 1. Those lotion things have nothing going for them. They smell terrible, they BURN. I mean BURN. And on top of those two terrible things- THEY DON'T WORK! 2. Waxing. At home, never works out for me. I am a freaking baby and it hurts. And it costs money to go to a salon. PLUS you have to let it grow to a certain length before waxing so there will always be a prickly time. 3. Laser Hair Removal. I can only really complain about this because I cannot afford it. I need it, I want it, someday I will have it. For now, I hate shaving, I do it as little as possible and I think that until I solve this problem I just shouldn't date.
3. I hate myself naked. And that will probably never change. But honestly, hating yourself naked really is a terrible thing and until I can at least pretend like I might someday like myself naked, no one else is seeing it.
4. I'm lazy. I am so lazy. Half the time I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I mean it just takes forever and I'd rather sleep the extra thirty minutes. I considered getting my makeup tattooed on but let's be honest, that is slightly ridiculous (at this point in time).
5. I can't cook. Not even I would date me for this fact. I tried to do some veggie panini thing the other day and ended up eating left over chicken fingers (see I hate myself naked). The few things I can cook are omelets, pasta, chicken and yeah that sums it up. I make a mean sandwich though- I worked at Panera for 3 years and Quizno's for about a year so it's hard not to be good at that. Plus cooking comes with cleaning and I absolutely hate cleaning.
6. I hate going out in downtown Atlanta. I have yet to find a place I can relax. I feel like I am always on my guard. Everyone is always judging (myself included). And I live 20 minutes outside of it so it is a pain. I always want to drive drunk home. The easiest way to combat this is of course to just drink in my own home- no driving required. And as my nice friend put it the other day, I will never meet someone if I don't ever go out. So, I will be single. Forever I guess.
7. I never want to bring a guy home to meet my parents. I'm going to be completely honest when I say this but I always feel like the guy is not good enough to bring home. The one guy who could be good enough is not interested so we will never have to worry about this possibility. Plus there is always the chance that mom and dad or potential boyfriend will embarrass me. In ways I cannot fathom and never want to encounter. I mean my parents are cool but who I am with my parents and who I am without them can be polar opposites and there is no reason to bring the two worlds together at this point.
8. I'm batshit crazy. This one is so important I not only bolded it, I italicized it as well. I'm pretty sure there is a way to highlight it but that seems slightly excessive. Maybe later. I've actually been in therapy for anxiety issues, there is an history of alcoholism in my family that I pretend does not exist, and I make up entire conversations between me and anyone else who is not really there just to get my anger, sadness, aggression or happiness out. I think sometimes I wish my life was a romance novel and that even creeps me out. On top of all of this, I am female and I like males and well there isn't a sane female out there who enjoys males. They absolutely make us crazy and I dare you to find one person this isn't true for. I haven't tested females who like females yet because I have no interest in females but anyone wants to chime in on that one, go for it!
Well, those are the glaringly obvious ones at this point. I'm sure I will think of others. Or maybe sometime one of these things will change. I guess now I will go listen to Natasha Bedingfields Single '08 song to boost my spirits!
1. This post came about because I took Valentine's Weekend to travel with one male friend to go visit another male friend in Charleston, SC. I really wanted to get away from all my friends who are dating, married or at least had a date for that night. So on night one I discovered something that really I should have discovered a long time ago. Okay, maybe I always knew it but failed to acknowledge the truth. The fact is... I cannot stand sharing a bed with someone. I mean they end up all up in your shit. And I like my room freezing so I can snuggle under the blankets. Everyone else I have encountered is not a fan of this. Also, sometimes people snore. I probably snore but that doesn't mean I want to hear it coming from you (funny side note- I have totally woken myself up with a snort in my sleep. Always weirds me out.) Also, I like total darkness. Meaning, no I do not want to fall asleep watching tv. Especially if you decide Sports Center is your show of choice to lull yourself to sleep. The great thing about Sports Center is you will wake up watching it as well because they play it on repeat from like 11pm to 8 am. So while you are enjoying a deep restful sleep, I am wide awake watching Sports Center for the upteenth time. Frankly, by the second time I am sick of it. So in summary, I like my bed empty, my room cold, no outside noise or light. Solution: SINGLE!
2. I absolutely cannot stand shaving. I hate everything about it- the lather, the razor, the burn afterwards. Honestly, it's a lot of work and by the end of the day I'm already prickly (TMI- Now NO ONE is going to want to date me.) Plus a good razor is getting expensive these days. It takes a lot of time too. The obvious solution would be to go another route. Here is why I cannot or will not take those other routes: 1. Those lotion things have nothing going for them. They smell terrible, they BURN. I mean BURN. And on top of those two terrible things- THEY DON'T WORK! 2. Waxing. At home, never works out for me. I am a freaking baby and it hurts. And it costs money to go to a salon. PLUS you have to let it grow to a certain length before waxing so there will always be a prickly time. 3. Laser Hair Removal. I can only really complain about this because I cannot afford it. I need it, I want it, someday I will have it. For now, I hate shaving, I do it as little as possible and I think that until I solve this problem I just shouldn't date.
3. I hate myself naked. And that will probably never change. But honestly, hating yourself naked really is a terrible thing and until I can at least pretend like I might someday like myself naked, no one else is seeing it.
4. I'm lazy. I am so lazy. Half the time I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I mean it just takes forever and I'd rather sleep the extra thirty minutes. I considered getting my makeup tattooed on but let's be honest, that is slightly ridiculous (at this point in time).
5. I can't cook. Not even I would date me for this fact. I tried to do some veggie panini thing the other day and ended up eating left over chicken fingers (see I hate myself naked). The few things I can cook are omelets, pasta, chicken and yeah that sums it up. I make a mean sandwich though- I worked at Panera for 3 years and Quizno's for about a year so it's hard not to be good at that. Plus cooking comes with cleaning and I absolutely hate cleaning.
6. I hate going out in downtown Atlanta. I have yet to find a place I can relax. I feel like I am always on my guard. Everyone is always judging (myself included). And I live 20 minutes outside of it so it is a pain. I always want to drive drunk home. The easiest way to combat this is of course to just drink in my own home- no driving required. And as my nice friend put it the other day, I will never meet someone if I don't ever go out. So, I will be single. Forever I guess.
7. I never want to bring a guy home to meet my parents. I'm going to be completely honest when I say this but I always feel like the guy is not good enough to bring home. The one guy who could be good enough is not interested so we will never have to worry about this possibility. Plus there is always the chance that mom and dad or potential boyfriend will embarrass me. In ways I cannot fathom and never want to encounter. I mean my parents are cool but who I am with my parents and who I am without them can be polar opposites and there is no reason to bring the two worlds together at this point.
8. I'm batshit crazy. This one is so important I not only bolded it, I italicized it as well. I'm pretty sure there is a way to highlight it but that seems slightly excessive. Maybe later. I've actually been in therapy for anxiety issues, there is an history of alcoholism in my family that I pretend does not exist, and I make up entire conversations between me and anyone else who is not really there just to get my anger, sadness, aggression or happiness out. I think sometimes I wish my life was a romance novel and that even creeps me out. On top of all of this, I am female and I like males and well there isn't a sane female out there who enjoys males. They absolutely make us crazy and I dare you to find one person this isn't true for. I haven't tested females who like females yet because I have no interest in females but anyone wants to chime in on that one, go for it!
Well, those are the glaringly obvious ones at this point. I'm sure I will think of others. Or maybe sometime one of these things will change. I guess now I will go listen to Natasha Bedingfields Single '08 song to boost my spirits!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I Hate Myself Naked
I am FAT.
I know you probably weren't expecting me to admit that on my second post but I was thinking about it on my drive home yesterday. Now if anyone out there who actually knows me is reading this post do not send me a comment telling me I am not fat. Trust me I have seen myself naked- it's fat and not in a phat kind of way.
I'm lucky that I don't always look as fat as I am but the fact is I am what is considered overweight, teetering on the thin line and in danger of crossing over to obese. I'm 5'6" and lucky in that I carry my weight well but the fact remains I'm fat. (I wonder how many times I will use Fat in this blog. Now it seems like a challenge to use it in every sentence but I will stop myself.) At 5'6", I should weigh between 117 and 154 ideally. For the sake of honesty I am going to go ahead and tell you what I weigh. The purpose is twofold: 1. It will conclusively prove I am fat and 2. It might force me to take action if people know how much I weigh.
160 POUNDS. SIX LITTLE LBS TO MY IDEAL WEIGHT. Except in my mind 154 is huge as well. I mean if a guy I date weighs 190 I am still way to close to weighing as much as he does. And the only way I am okay with that is if I weigh 154 lbs of water, bone and muscle.
I was also thinking on my way into work today what I would do if I was skinny. So here it is my list of things to do if I were skinny:
1. I would find a really hot guy with a zippy little car. He would be hot and have a great job. Like a lawyer or a doctor or...something great. And he would obviously have loads of money and great friends and take me to fantastic places. (Applications are welcome during my fat phase, too.) Not going to lie, it probably wouldn't work out but I should be allowed a shallow month to see where this goes...
2. I would audition for a movie or tv show. Just cause I could. I would be skinny and quite possibly passably attractive. Maybe I could be a skinny extra. Dream role: A bitch obviously.
3. I'd go streaking dammit. In the quad. Maybe I would write a message right across my skinny ass too.
4. I would go on a cruise and wear beautiful bikini's from Victoria's Secret and have a passionate affair with a college student. Maybe. Probably not. Maybe just the cruise and bikini part.
5. I would eat disgustingly fattening foods in front of the general public so normal sized people could wonder what I did to maintain my figure when I eat like...well, a pig. Cause when I go out with a skinny bitch and order a salad and she gets the burger with cheese and bacon and mayo and a double order of fries with a milkshake I know I am pea green with envy and secretly wondering if she is going to vomit this all up after dinner.
Okay the list of things I would do if I was skinny is short because it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I guess I would just do the same things I do now except maybe not binge on food as much and I'd be skinny instead of fat.
So you are probably wondering about the get skinny plan. Well it's simple, I'm going to add the dreaded veggies into the equation. I already don't eat a lot of sugar (damn you type II diabetes), drink a lot of soda or eat a lot of junk so I can't really do much there. I'll add some protein- especially shakes with fruit. Stay on top of those vitamins (god they are DISGUSTING. I'm forced to take them with juice just to swallow them). Continue to work out. I am going to add running back into the regime too. I hear its bad for the knees but great on calories. Any other suggestions short of lipo, tummy tucks and weird cleansing rituals are welcome.
I suppose I will have to keep you posted on how all this goes. And I definitely don't want to hear that I am not really fat because there are women out there over 200 lbs. Trust me I know. In fact, I almost got pretty close there a while back but I threw out all the ice cream which is why I am down to 160. The point is I'm making a change because, well, if I don't like me naked who else will?
I know you probably weren't expecting me to admit that on my second post but I was thinking about it on my drive home yesterday. Now if anyone out there who actually knows me is reading this post do not send me a comment telling me I am not fat. Trust me I have seen myself naked- it's fat and not in a phat kind of way.
I'm lucky that I don't always look as fat as I am but the fact is I am what is considered overweight, teetering on the thin line and in danger of crossing over to obese. I'm 5'6" and lucky in that I carry my weight well but the fact remains I'm fat. (I wonder how many times I will use Fat in this blog. Now it seems like a challenge to use it in every sentence but I will stop myself.) At 5'6", I should weigh between 117 and 154 ideally. For the sake of honesty I am going to go ahead and tell you what I weigh. The purpose is twofold: 1. It will conclusively prove I am fat and 2. It might force me to take action if people know how much I weigh.
160 POUNDS. SIX LITTLE LBS TO MY IDEAL WEIGHT. Except in my mind 154 is huge as well. I mean if a guy I date weighs 190 I am still way to close to weighing as much as he does. And the only way I am okay with that is if I weigh 154 lbs of water, bone and muscle.
I was also thinking on my way into work today what I would do if I was skinny. So here it is my list of things to do if I were skinny:
1. I would find a really hot guy with a zippy little car. He would be hot and have a great job. Like a lawyer or a doctor or...something great. And he would obviously have loads of money and great friends and take me to fantastic places. (Applications are welcome during my fat phase, too.) Not going to lie, it probably wouldn't work out but I should be allowed a shallow month to see where this goes...
2. I would audition for a movie or tv show. Just cause I could. I would be skinny and quite possibly passably attractive. Maybe I could be a skinny extra. Dream role: A bitch obviously.
3. I'd go streaking dammit. In the quad. Maybe I would write a message right across my skinny ass too.
4. I would go on a cruise and wear beautiful bikini's from Victoria's Secret and have a passionate affair with a college student. Maybe. Probably not. Maybe just the cruise and bikini part.
5. I would eat disgustingly fattening foods in front of the general public so normal sized people could wonder what I did to maintain my figure when I eat like...well, a pig. Cause when I go out with a skinny bitch and order a salad and she gets the burger with cheese and bacon and mayo and a double order of fries with a milkshake I know I am pea green with envy and secretly wondering if she is going to vomit this all up after dinner.
Okay the list of things I would do if I was skinny is short because it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I guess I would just do the same things I do now except maybe not binge on food as much and I'd be skinny instead of fat.
So you are probably wondering about the get skinny plan. Well it's simple, I'm going to add the dreaded veggies into the equation. I already don't eat a lot of sugar (damn you type II diabetes), drink a lot of soda or eat a lot of junk so I can't really do much there. I'll add some protein- especially shakes with fruit. Stay on top of those vitamins (god they are DISGUSTING. I'm forced to take them with juice just to swallow them). Continue to work out. I am going to add running back into the regime too. I hear its bad for the knees but great on calories. Any other suggestions short of lipo, tummy tucks and weird cleansing rituals are welcome.
I suppose I will have to keep you posted on how all this goes. And I definitely don't want to hear that I am not really fat because there are women out there over 200 lbs. Trust me I know. In fact, I almost got pretty close there a while back but I threw out all the ice cream which is why I am down to 160. The point is I'm making a change because, well, if I don't like me naked who else will?
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