What Happens in Vegas...

For a good many people (I'd say 95% of the population) if you go to Vegas you do shit you don't want anyone knowing about. "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" is the cute little adage (unless you fuck a stripper. Then let's be honest, you came home with herpes if you are lucky). I would believe in this had I behaved in anyway dislike the way I behave here in Atlanta or visiting Athens, Gainesville, Macon, anywhere in New Jersey and NYC. The fact is, I'm a drunk lush who makes fucking stupid decisions and goes with them. Am I ashamed of them? Eh, I'd say 50% of the time, I am so I just ignore it, pretend it didn't happen and hey I'll talk to you 6 months down the line and everything will be fine. So far, this strategy is working for me. 60% of the time, it works EVERY time. No joke.

Any.Way.

I bring you, the things I learned in VegASS.

1. NYC is in no way deserving of the title of the City That Never Sleeps. I call bullshit on that one. Since I interned there for 2 years and spent massive amounts of my childhood going into the city, I can confidently state that it does, in fact, sleep. There are actually times you cannot get Chinese food. Vegas? Not so much. I'd say from Thursday to Monday, I got exactly 8 hours of sleep. Power naps we will call them.
2. On a related note, you can actually function on little to no sleep. With or without booze. Or naps. I did it. And even the day I spent 12 hours flying home, I managed to stay up all damn day and get 4 hours of sleep before heading to work on Tuesday.
3. Hangover? What fucking hangover? The minute you wake up you will drink. No problem.
4. $10 for a drink is cheap in Vegas. However, it will be well worth it when you taste your daiquiri and realize it is 100% iced booze with red food coloring. The drinks will knock you on your ass.
5. I am not a gambler. I lost my first dollar and was PISSED. Fuck you wheel of fortune slot! That was my laundry money right there and you just took it. At least when I blow it on booze, I get something out of the ordeal. This, I just got fucking blinking lights that were obviously enjoying the fact that I had no money.
6. Some people just don't know when to quit. Even if you are up $5, you are up $5! A beer can be had for $5. So if the entire night you've been losing and you are suddenly up, cash the fuck out.
7. The Venetian is really the way to go. I stayed in the smallest suite and at 700 square feet it is as big as my one bedroom apartment. I want to move in there. But, pack a blow dryer; they believe in phones and tvs in the bathroom but not a fucking blow dryer. Also, bathtub and shower sex- ideal at The Venetian. I wasn't so lucky but let's just say the room has plenty of surfaces for you to do so.
8. Gym shorts. Pack them ladies. I got hit on more in my gym shorts walking down the strip than in my hooker shoes and shiny dresses.
9. Weirdly enough, Hispanic men and women hand out cards for escorts. They slap them against their palms and wear BRIGHT NEON shirts and yell shit at you. And they are always going after the women which I don't understand. But it is Sin City so I suppose if you were going to go for a hot escort as a female you better do it there.
10. The beach clubs are not open right now and the pools close at 6. In April, each week they close an hour later. As some woman bitched at her waiter in her cabana, " The fucking sun is still up. Therefore you should still be open." They clearly did not agree.
11. Chicks- take a 5 minute walk down the strip. You will get passes to every club imaginable PLUS phone numbers that you can call the next time you are in town. Promoters ARE EVERYWHERE. And they will all bitch about every other club you might want to try.
12. Yes, you can walk around and drink. Yes, you can pound a beer in a cab.
13. The cab drivers are awesome. They will take you where you are going even if you don't have enough cash. Some even take cards.
14. Coming from the airport? Don't grab a taxi- they have to pay an extra tax and your charge will be about $30 bucks. Grab a shuttle. For 7 bucks and 100 stops, you can be at your hotel in an hour.
15. Strip Class. Sign up for it. Just for the experience. It was phenomenal. Check the website often because Kendra of Girls Next Door Fame often teaches them. Plus you get tickets to a male revue.
16. Find a bachelor party. Fun times and drinks will be had. ESPECIALLY, if you have a bride to be in the crowd. The list we had was INSANE.
17. Miracle Mile is where it is at.
18. The Palms was by far my fav. Its off the strip which sucks but it has Playboy and Ghost Bar which are two of the best clubs I went to. Playboy does model shoots there where you can try to be the face of the club for a month and score free drinks. The people watching is insane and the view of the Palms tower is AWESOME. Ghostbar has the glass balcony that has an incredible view of the city lights and straight down into the tower.
19. Clubs close at all different times. When one club closes, another is open. Also, don't make plans. Trust, you won't follow them. It's like you become ADD.
20. Time ceases to exist in Vegas. And if Vegas is a black hole, then O'Shea's is the very center of it all. My favorite casino on the strip despite being seedy and classless (or maybe because of). They boast 24 hr happy hour, $2 Miller Lites, beer pong, strip poker, $5 craps tables, big screen tvs, a food court and beer pong. Plus the crowd that comes through is amazing. And I spotted a midget dressed as a leprechaun running around. You cannot beat that! Oh, wait, yes you can, with $15 ginormous pomegranate margaritas in a glass you can take home. Bitch, please, I want to spend my days there and my nights at the Palms before crashing poolside at the Venetian.

There is so much more but this is getting so long I might have to break it into parts. Suffice to say, there is heaven on earth and it's Las Vegas.

Mondays Musings (not by Berryfine)

Since Berryfine is out in Vegas I have decided to take on the task of her infamous Monday's Musings. I think she is like in LA somewhere now or she is still sitting at a slot machine. Where ever the hell she is tops where I am right now (and probably where you are too). It may not be as entertaining, but it can and may be just as angry. You see, Berryfine and I may be two different people but we both have attitude problems, cannot stand retarded people, have a very low patience level and get worked up over things pretty easily. So with that introduction let me begin.

• My car CD player is dysfunctional. Disc 1 plays smoothly and great. Disc 3 and 6, not so much. I have not yet tried out 2,4,or 5 so I will report back.
• Why is it that slow people must drive in the left hand lane. I want to get out of my car at red lights, knock on their window, and ask them why they believe they belong in the fast lane. 40 in a 45 is not what I call FAST.
• You're 28 years old yet you cannot chew with your mouth closed and you smack your food. You're southern. How did your Mama not smack you around for eating like a total pig? How did she not teach you some manners? I find it revolting.
• I hate when things just fall in people's laps. Why can't I have that sort of luck. No I have to work hard and stress all the time to just maybe do well. It is a crock of shit if you ask me. Even worse: then they're praised as "awesome" ... I call them lucky. Sheer luck.
• How is it already 12:30 PM? Where the hell did the day go.
• Berryfine is in Vegas drinking, gambling, and laying by the pool. She is a bitch for it. Yes Berryfine I did just call you a bitch on your own blog. What now?
• Ricky Martin came out of the closet today. He admitted he is a gay man. I am cool with it. I will always love Livin' Da Vida Loca.
• I took my dog to the vet this past weekend and it cost me $236 and some change to get him up to date on his shots - that seems like robbery. I am never having kids.
• Speaking of never having kids. It is true. This chick I follow on Twitter was in labor for 20 hours, broke her tailbone, and then had to have a C-Section. Fuck That.
• A note to moms everywhere. I think it is okay to post pics of your kids on facebook ... but if they're ugly, limit the uploading of pictures please. Also, I do not care about their fever, their vomiting, or their diarrhea. No, I do not have a quick fix for your 2 year old's pesky cough or how to make the newborn quit crying through the night. You signed up for ALL THAT when you opened your legs and said ohh I want a child.
• I am in a helluva mood today - I feel like everyone should watch out and I should just close my office door.
• I have a weird obsession with teenie bopper music. I was jamming out to Justin Beiber this morning and then realized I was singing "Shawty is an Eenie Meenie Minee Mo Lova" -- kill me now. Awful. Catchy. But Awful.
• I use the birthday reminder on Facebook to defriend people. ...I have been meaning to do it, you just reminded me on your day.oh.birth. :o)
• I hate when I defriend someone and they call me out for it. Why can't they just take a hint. Most importantly, why do they care? We have not spoken since your wedding, since graduation, since college. If I want you to know what is going on in my life I will BBM or text you.
• Why can't you understand "I do not give a fuck if it does not pertain to me"? I feel like that is pretty clear English.
• Serious Question: If the government cannot run the post office how are they supposed to run healthcare?
• I just love doing other people's jobs and not doing mine. I also love making other people their to do list for the day. What is wrong with this picture?
• Upside, Inside Out - Livin Da Vida Loca
• There is a guy in our office currently who talks so fucking loudly that I can hear him word for word. He is in the conference room, there is a kitchen between us, and I can still hear him. Really? Must you talk so loud?! ...15 minutes later, he is still talking or should I call it screaming.
• Sometimes when I think about Northern VA I die inside. Other times the fact that I am moving back cannot come soon enough.
• My boyfriend hangs up his gym clothes. The teeshirt and the work out shorts on one hanger. He says he has to coordinate or some of the shirts are too small. I do not really know, it is just weird to me.
• I want to make a facebook group in which all I do is call people out on their dumb looking facebook pictures. Example 1 is here
• Everyone go to the store and pick up a Sunchips Bag. You don't have to buy it. Just listen to it. It sounds AWFUL. Like tinfoil. Nothing like crunch crunch as you try to sneak chips.
• My boyfriend and I decided this weekend we would always have beer in our house. It is like my "I hate the world" medicine.
• I need some sunshine in my life.
• I am not in the mood to work today.
• On my run today I spotted my dream wedding dress. Now, Kyle just needs to pop the damn question. I say yes already.
• I am embarrassed for every person on the Tool Academy, but I thank them for the mindless entertainment.
• Courtesy of Texts From Last Night - made me think of Berryfine while in Vegas .... (907) I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
• My coworker's husband calls her like 10 times per day. She answers every single time. I swear she would be more productive if she didn't talk to him EVERY TIME he calls. Plus, doesn't he have a job? Why does he call so much. If Kyle wanted to talk to me that much, I would kill myself.
• I went to REI this weekend to spend my dividend *wahoo for free money* and found myself judging people. I am going to leave it at that, because it is real bitchy and I will be hated if I say it.
• Why does everyone think that I can find them a job?! Better yet - why do people think I want to find them a job?!
• Dailymile just told me I had an "awesome" training week. They lie. Awesome is not 3.15 miles - that is pathetic. Just be truthful Dailymile.
• I am pretty sure this whole blog entry breaches my company's social media policy. Whoops?
• The lights in the bathroom on my floor can and will cause a seizure. Promise it. I will blog about it when it happens.
• I think I have a sprained ankle. Who cares, I am gonna go run to take a breather from this place.

Okay. I am done. I promise I am not always a total bitch. 95% of the time, yes I am but in that strange 5% of the time I am actually nice. I think. Welcome to the thoughts of Berryfine's random friend who makes guest appearances.

A New LOW!

Weight that is!

WHOOO-FUCKING-HOO BITCHES!

156.6 LBS

Read it and weep! I am obviously pumped about this turn of events. I had been in a slump and while it is only a lb change it is still a change and I am happy. The plateau has been broken. Man, I feel good.

Couple of other great things:

1. One guy whistled at me when I walked out of the locker room. And basically had an entire gym of people at 7 am checking me out. I felt like a MILLION BUCKS.
2. A chic at the desk got mad when the guy she was talking to tried to include me in the conversation. This chic is pumped up- she pays for a personal trainer and has some guns I am majorly jealous of. So the fact that she behaved like I was hot shit made me smile a little more.
3. My gym hottie rolled the window down of his car as he was leaving to tell me I should show off my legs more often. THANK YOU RUNNING...and 4 inch heels. And little black dress. Having a hot guy tell you how good your legs are looking when the first time he met you, you had no calf muscles to speak of and fat was jiggling everywhere. Yeah I have a long way to go but I'm making progress.
4. The guy at the counter of Gold's Gym said a thank you to Mother Nature for changing the weather when he saw my dress. He's not my type but three guys in a row talked about how good I was looking. I'm digging it and I don't care how vain it is!
5. Clothing that did not previously fit- DOES! My wardrobe is expanding without me having to pay a dime (and my stomach is not following suit!)

I'm nervous because I'm heading to Vegas tomorrow and there will be booze and food involved in copious amounts. I'm bringing gym clothing and running shoes because I pay 17 bucks a day for resort fees including use of the gym so I might as well use it! Praying that I continue to make good decisions while still having fun.

This balancing shit is hard! How bout the rest of you? When you hit a plateau what do you do to stay motivated? Is it numbers on a scale? Clothing fitting better? Or (gasp) a love of working out?

Twitter Tuesday

Start following @bitterpuss NOW (go ahead I will wait while you click on over and add her) and be prepared for wet your fucking pants, holy shit did she just say that commentary in 140 characters or less. From what I can gather this tweeter is a 48 year old female who is married, catholic and possibly teaches. Or is super involved in her kids life. Either way she likes to drink, screw and make rude commentary on society. Her take on school dances is classic. Some may seem obvious but some of the obvious is things you haven't thought of before. Some of my favorites so far:

• Bend over Grab your ankles Bite your lip Congress is about to screw you hard up the ass Without a smile a care or lube
• Since when did anal sex become acceptable high school dancing
• Found out that the pimples on my ass spell out unflattering things about myself. Related: I am never dating a braille reading blind guy again.
• I put the "Fuck You" in "Your attitude needs to improve"
• Carbs don't just make you fat, turns out they're also the only thing that makes you not contemplate murder. Who knew? Who fucking knew?
• I never look a woman in the eye when she's only buying tampons and chocolates, because I've killed for less. I've. Killed. For. Less.
• I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me it tastes like chicken.
• The problem with kissing ass is you get used to it.
• Everything tastes better glazed. Everything.
• I came. I saw. Now I have to paint that wall.
• Whoever coined the term "Good Morning" was a lying, sadistic asshole.

Or...she's a comedian. A sit down one to be exact. Either way, she cracks my shit up.

My Body Knows Me Well

Sometimes, I think my body knows when I'm about to make a terrible decision and takes action to prevent me from doing so. It can be super frustrating on so many levels. But I've noticed a pattern I am truly not enjoying WHATSOEVER.

Anytime...and I mean ANYTIME... I am going to go on vacation I start my fucking period. It's like my body knows before I even make any kind of decision as to whether I plan on having vacation sex. What the fuck is that about? Nobody wants to be on the rag when they are vacationing. It's just one more thing to think about packing.

I'm heading to Las Vegas on Thursday and, of course, perfect timing! Aunt Flo flew right into town this morning thus preventing me from going to Las VegASS. Sigh.

Am I THE ONLY ONE this happens to?!?!?!

My Body Hates Me

Okay, I know what some of you are going to say before I even type my post...my body doesn't hate me and if I treated it better I would get what I want out of it. Well, to that I say: I'M FUCKING TRYING. It's hard to break habits that I've had for 26 years. But I felt like I have been doing good until this past week.

Do you ever feel like your body is working against you instead of with you?

That's how I'm feeling this week. And I know part of it is because I am asking more of my body than it is capable of giving and that if I would take better care of it then my body would be more efficient but the sad fact of the matter is no matter how efficient my body is there just are not enough hours in the day and so I will continue to ask more of my body than I reasonably should.

The past 7 days have been especially hard. Actually, since the time change I have been all out of whack. I try listening to my body, really, I do. But I'm in the middle of training and I know my mental capacity. If I start slacking or skipping out on workouts then I will eventually just quit altogether and that is something I am really trying to avoid. This is the longest single stretch of working out I have done- usually after 3-4 weeks of working out a week pops up where I just say...FUCK IT ALL. But this time I have been genuinely jazzed about my progress and have turned my am workouts into a routine.

And then my body just said too fucking bad. It started with my calves. God they kill on the first mile. And anyone who knows me knows that first mile is make or break for me. If I stop before it is completed, then I'm not finishing it. So I have to force myself to run that first mile before I can stretch and get back to it. Then this weekend I had trouble dragging my ass out of bed. I just did not want to get up and work out. Saturday I planned a 4 mile run and instead went back to bed. By the time I woke up, I had no time to go for the run because I had so much scheduled for the day. I ended up doing it Sunday but even Sunday I was dragging. Monday I hit snooze 5 times. WTF is going on? Normally, the alarm goes off and even if I'm sluggish I'm at least making a move (generally towards the bathroom but whatever). Yesterday on my easy twenty minute run, I started getting a twinge in my left shin. Just a small spot. Through the day I felt it when I walked around. This morning I threw some icy hot on it and forced a 4 mile run out but tomorrow will be cross training to give it a break. Some serious icing is going to be needed.

Then on Friday I had inexplicable pain in my chest...and by chest, I mean my...rack, boobs, breasts, tatas whatever you call them. For five days, even sitting has hurt. And running? HO.LY.SHIT. Shooting pain radiates from my nipples for the first 1/2 mile and then I don't know if my boobs go numb or my body gets used to the pain but I stop noticing it. Out. Of. Control.

Of course, there is a very simple explanation for all of this. Which I discovered this morning in the shower. I'm a woman. You can figure out the rest. How the fuck do you other women push through this week of a hell every month?!?!?!

Erin Vs. Barbie

Okay, as most of you know, I have a dear friend Barbie( of Barbie Runs and @bamabarbie06 fame) who I like to consider my running companion. We both were into running and taking care of our bodies when we were younger. Then college and alcohol came along and after 4 years of college we were rather rudely dropped into the real world and forced to find our way. I wish I could say running helped me do that but in fact when Barbie and I met neither of us were running. We were working in separate offices for the same company and I was transferred into her office because I was unable to get along with the people in my other office. I like to think we were fast friends though I don't think I realized what a big role she would play in the past year until I was fired from my job.

If you've ever met us, or even one of us, you know we have big personalities. We went to SEC schools and love our football. We work hard but know how to have a good time. While we shared an office, I signed up for my first half marathon. About half way through half assing my training Barbie signed up for hers. I like to think I put the idea in her head but it was a combination of life and friends and family that got us to sign up. We each had our charity and I'm not going to lie, neither of us was very good at this whole running thing. Barbie threw herself into it with gusto- she found gear and websites and made friends in the community. I was more a I RUN BY MYSELF kind of person. Translation, I'm not running as much as I should and I don't want anyone to know it.

Barbie has set some huge goals that I know I will not be getting near. For example, 26.2? I don't think so kiddo. I am a short distance kind of gal. 13.1 is a fucking haul for me. I really enjoy 5 and 10Ks. Barbie doesn't think they are challenging enough anymore. Well, the 5 K anyway. She'll still do one with me if I pick it but she is not seeking them out.

So, Sunday, Barbie seriously kicked some ass in the ING half marathon. I don't want to touch one until the Boston 13.1. What killed me, and kicked up my competitive nature, was that Barbie PRed by NINETEEN (19!!!!) minutes. In the fucking rain. She beat my half time by about three minutes and suddenly I'm at war with her. If she can knock 19 minutes off with LITTLE, to NO, training (and I am not exaggerating there) then I should be able to do it. I will run under 2 hours and 30 minutes. Suddenly I'm wanting to run 2 hours and 10 minutes. That might be a little over ambitious but damn, I run like crazy so if I don't see the kind of improvement Barbie did I will be CRUSHED. Crushed, I tell you.

I know it should be about personal bests and blah blah blah but you know when you see someone do so well you cannot help but be jealous. Sooo...move over gym hottie I've got a new motivation in town and her name is Barbie :)

***Discalimer: Barbie knows I adore her and I'm proud of her accomplishments so please don't get your compression shorts in a wad because I enjoy beating her. I enjoy beating myself as well.

Nano

Pam Beasley: If he were an iPod, he'd be a shuffle!

So, I recently got a new iPod Nano and I'm pretty excited about it but I cannot think about it without thinking about my dear friend Beth who christened one of my...fucks... Penis Nano. I'm sure you can guess why but just for the utterly slow it's because his penis was small. Real Small. Small is actually being nice.

Of course, me being me, it took more than one time for me to come to the conclusion that his penis was smaller than a tube of lipstick. No, just like with Panera's lemonade which I know is disgusting but continue to try, I just had to go back for seconds and thirds to be sure. Thank god baseball season came around and he headed off for the farm league so I could stop making stupid decisions.

Have you ever had a small dick? I mean really had it. Given it a second shot. Tried a new position just to see if you could make it work?

Let me save you the trouble, it's not worth it.

If you think it's too small, it definitely is. And no amount of maneuvering is gonna make that thing blossom. Yes, it may seem shallow to you but it's not.

The first time Penis Nano and I had sex, we were hammered. It was a bad decision on my part but I just cannot resist a baseball player. I love them. It has actually taken incredible restraint not to throw a post a day up about my newest baseball crush. Anyway... So, I came over to the place of a friend of his and its about twenty guys and me. In typical early twenties I have no respect for myself and I'm hammered fashion, Penis Nano and I hit the bathroom up for some standing up hitting it from behind sex. Thank god he played with my magic button or I never would have finished. I was so drunk though I could not decide if the position was just bad or if his penis was that tiny.

A few weeks later, we met up at another friends place and tried again. On a couch. Me on top. I have never wanted to ask is it in yet in my life. I mean, imagine trying to impale yourself on...ehhh...your pinky maybe? That's how horrible it was. And how the fuck did he finish? It had to be like throwing his penis in a big, empty high school hallway. I mean, was it echoing down there?

Finally, I thought, third time is the charm. Great pick up lines like "You have great boobs" led to me going home with him. I was sober. Well, sober for 6 beers in 6 hours. This time we had a bed which was comfy. And that was about the only comfy thing about the encounter. I mean the kissing was nice...and the groping was...alright...and the stroking was relaxing. But the jack rabbiting "penis" he was thrusting into my seemingly large vagina was not fun. I have never wanted to ask someone if their penis was in me yet.

So, why did I keep going back to it? I suppose I like the idea of Penis Nano. 6'3", 195 lbs of bat swinging, ball-busting male. Unfortunately, the bat in his pants was of the little league variety and there was no salvaging that season. And so I leave you with someone who has felt my pain:

Monday Musings

• That hole in my lip is back. Thank God I have on a black dress and am drinking Fuze. No stains for me!
• I would really like to know what you people who refuse to use a blinker think its intended use was when it was built into your vehicle. It is there for a fucking reason and that reason is pretty damn important. Last time I checked you have at least a ton of vehicle traveling faster than a person can crawl,walk or run moving down a road with other vehicles of equal or greater weight and speed. I believe that your blinker is meant to indicate to OTHERS that you have the intention of moving said ton of metal, plastic, fabric and what have you into a different lane. See you already know your intention but the rest of us on the road don’t. So take one second to drop your hand past the blinker in the direction you intend to move and save the rest of us from an accident or horn honking or finger flying.
• While we are on the subject, just because YOU want to MOVE over doesn’t mean YOU GET TO. You don’t have the right of way (same goes for merging people). The people already traveling in said lane have the right of way so you need to slow down or speed up accordingly. The blinker is not a universal sign for I’m getting over so get the fuck out of my way. Douchebag.
• Filling out my Census today. This thing seriously says NEGRO. I’m sorry, who says that anymore? And of those of you who say it…are you aware that it is the same as Black or African American? Because if so, I’m thinking the word Negro wasn’t really necessary to the census. Was it on the last one? Has it been there since the days of slavery when we really called African Americans and their descendents Negro? Didn’t think so.
• I find it amusing that they thank me for my participation. It’s fucking required by law. Not like I had a choice on that one. I mean I guess I did, but do I really want to owe the government anything more than I already do? Seems like they already get my soul and I didn’t have a choice in that matter either.
• I’m calling my morning thus far a draw because I got up to go to the gym and my crush wasn’t there so that was a bummer. Especially since I’m wearing fuck me boots and a dress right now. But it turned out for the better because I don’t have any makeup with me. I left it in the bathroomat my apt. Though he might never have noticed because of these boots. Also, Travis, my smoothie guy, wasn’t there so I had to skip my protein shake. But I got to stop and get Fuze so I can down my vitamins and I have oatmeal at work. So we’re doing well so far. But it’s only 8:11 am so who knows how the rest of the day will turn out.
• VEG….ASS. That is all.
• I really hate politics. It all just seems like bullshit to me. Who are these people to say they know better than me what I want, need or deserve? Because this healthcare thing has got people in an uproar and I can’t tell if there are more people opposed to what is going on or if they are just louder than the supporters. But my gut feeling is that Obama is feeling pressure and we are rushing this healthcare thing and not in a way that is ultimately going to be good for the people. I mean, I deal with Medicare patients on a daily basis and they HATE Medicare. Why do you think there are so many private insurances that offer replacement policies? What is going to be different from that? If you can't properly run MCR for a few thousand old people (or million whatever) what makes you think you can do it for the whole fucking country? So, if this works out then Hurray! But if it doesn’t work out…then I’m not surprised at all. Call me a cynic but I think the government is ignoring the wishes of the very people that put them in office on this one. But I could be wrong. I’ve been wrong before.
• I’m going to regret the above bullet point the minute I hit publish on this blog.
• I forgot you are supposed to take Fish Oil with food. Taking it with Fuze doesn’t count and now I know why. I want to vomit everywhere. Time to force some oatmeal down my throat.
• How does Ol Blue Eyes do it? Frank just came on my iPod and has me thinking how awesome it would be to have lived during his time of the Rat Pack. How great the 50s and 60s must have been! I have a feeling no one in the future is going to hear today’s current music and think 2010 was a stellar year and let’s go back to then.
• I really cannot stand when a computer or system takes fucking forever. I have absolutely no patience for it and no excuse can make the slowness acceptable.
• Dear Apple, Fuck you. Yeah it’s great my dad was nice enough to get me an iPod since mine broke. A brand spanking new iPod Nano (product RED of course). It works like a dream. Here is my problem: it doesn’t charge with my current car charger/player. So while it plays in my car, the battery is slowly dying. Why the fuck can it play but not charge? How is it only half compatible. That doesn't even make any sense Mr. Jobs. Why my other iPod charged in the dock I don’t know but I think it is pretty dick of you to make it so I’ll have to buy another or bring the damn thing inside every night and plug it into my computer to charge it. Just another way for you to make a quick buck I suppose.
• Went Bridesmaid Dress Shopping this weekend. You know from this post how much I love weddings but thus far Britt is turning into the ideal bride. Her wedding dress only took 3 hours to pick out and my bridesmaids dress only took an hour. Mainly because I knew what the fuck I wanted and I didn’t let her mom railroad her. I should just be a wedding planner.
• I’m missing the NYC/NJ area a hella ton recently. Probably because I’ve been following one of my old bosses blog and it just makes me sad I’m not living the same life. Yes, she was fired and yes, she has no idea what is coming up next but she attends parties and she’s living by the seat of her pants in one of the coolest cities in the US. If you’ve ever wondered what it was like to work in journalism and live in NYC be sure to add her to your blog roll. She is awesomely entertaining and insightful :)
• I need to get some more concerts in my life. Any suggestions for shows in the Atlanta area? Or if you have somewhere for me to crash I will travel for music as well! Almost everyone I know is going to see Dave Matthews band and I adore them but I’ve seen them several times in concert and I’m just not sure I want to fork out that kind of money for a band I’ve seen already. I’d like to expand my musical tastes a little I think.
• Trying to scale back my music collection on my laptop so there is room for other shit is a bitch of an undertaking. It is taking forever. Why do I have so much shitty music on my computer?
• Need music for VegAss playlist. Songs must include words like money, betting, gambling, sex, drugs and anything Vegas related. Since I’ve never been I’m just assuming the words I picked work.
• My blackberry just changed the tone for incoming texts. Out of nowhere. I can’t even fix it since I’m in the office and listening to ringtones might piss my boss off. And yes, Barbie, your texts rather than BBMing like I like are what alerted me to this change. So, I guess, thank you for that. (ANDDDD BAM! I call you out again)
• Wander over to Barbie’s blog when you get a chance. Why? Because I said so. And she just did the ING Half Marathon in Atlanta. So she is a rockstar and deserves followers (even though she has way more than me already).
• I started going to the tanning bed again. What? The world thinks everyone from GA GTLs on the reg so I might as well join them. Why not perpetuate the sterotype? Also, I’m in this wedding next month and the bride looks Native American she tans so much so I figure I should be somewhat tan or I’ll look like Casper the friendly ghost. You know the saying…when in Rome…
• How can I get more followers? Here is the thing, I don’t want to go throwing this shit on facebook because my sister is on there and a handful of other family members including my Dad. Maybe I should do some kind of referral raffle. Where each referral gets you a ticket for a drawing for a cool prize. Hmm…suggestions?
• Barbie hasn’t noticed that I haven’t tweeted since last night yet. Can’t wait to hear about it.
• I have strawberries at home. WHOO! I love slicing them and putting them in tubberware with some sugar. Then I eat the whole container in one sitting and want to die. I’m surprised I haven’t turned into Strawberry Shortcake yet.
• I’m trying to think of some awesome way to end this but I’ve got nothing. The thing is, this is getting too damn long and I’m hungry. And it’s kind of nice to have to done before lunch so I can focus on other blogs. Because I’m awesome like that. Okay, that is good enough for me. If you have a problem with it, leave a comment in the section labeled comments. If you don’t have a problem, leave some love there because it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and validates this blogs existence.

Running in the Rain

So, some of you serious runners will probably get a good laugh out of this...but, I HAVE NEVER RUN IN THE RAIN BEFORE. My thought process is if there is a perfectly good treadmill in a nice, warm, DRY gym with ESPN on the TV then why run around the block getting wet and going nowhere? But this morning my dear friend Barbie got her butt out of her bed and dragged it through Atlanta at a run in the rain for the ING 1/2 Marathon. And PRed to boot so I figure I could do a nice little jog today as well.

So I threw on some Nike Tempo shorts, a nice wicking shirt and my Nike jacket and headed out.

Ummm...you people who like running in the rain...you're fucking crazy. No joke.

You could see it in people's faces as they drove past me. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GIRL DOING?!?!?! I was asking myself the same thing. But, Barbie did this today and for a hell of a lot longer. So I just kept pushing. At first it was a light drizzle hitting me from behind. I can take this I thought. About 2 miles in, it was pouring and I heard thunder. Shortly after I saw lightening. Unfortunately, I went by my parents house and was 1/2 way through the route. So even if I turned around, I had the same distance to go. So I kept going.

The route I chose was hilly. But the hills are saved until the last mile and the last one is hell. I usually run the route the opposite direction so I tackle the hills first. But I don't know what I was thinking, today I ran it with the hills on the backend of the run. Which of course is when the rain was the worst. God is really testing me today, I kept thinking to myself.

I got home in a nice 44 minutes for 4.25 miles which is way faster than I felt. I was cold and dripping wet. My Nike jacket kept me completely dry which is just another awesome pro to the jacket. So far no cons!

I don't know that I will be adding rain runs to my routine often but it's nice to do on occasion I think. I know I should incorporate them because you never know how race day is going to be but in my mind working out and running should be fun or I won't do it. I'm not racing for the fastest pace or for money so I don't see why I can't enjoy the comfort of a gym. But that sense of accomplishment at the end was almost as nice as the runners high at the end of the race!

Shamrock'N'Roll Recap- FINALLY!

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to post. I was actually hoping for Truespeed Photo to have the pictures up by Monday but they didn't go up until late Wednesday/early Thursday so it's taken me a quick minute to get this blog going. An.Y.Way....

So, the night before the race I had a wedding shower to go to. Of course, it was a Stock the Bar Wedding Shower and started at 7:30 in East Bumble. I had about 3 beers the entire night, played some beer pong with my bro and then got dragged into Flip Cup which meant a few more beers and a shot with the drunk bride-to-be. I wanted to be home by midnight but didn't get to bed until 1:30 am. And completely forgot about the damn time change until that moment. So I spent a sleepless night wondering if my new blackberry would automatically change the time and allow me to make it to the race in a timely fashion. Needless to say, it did but it took twenty minutes for me to find out if it was really 6:45 am or 7:45 am.

I opted to wear my AWESOME new Nike running jacket which was, of course, a lovely shade of green. I matched it with an Irish Yoga shirt that has drunkasses passed out in various awkward positions, a pair of capri running tights and my NY Yankees green baseball cap. It seemed warm when I left but apparently it just got fucking colder. Barbie and I got to the start and I was wondering if I needed to layer up more. Not that it mattered- I had nothing else to wear. Also working against me was my hungover state.

I. LITERALLY.WANTED.TO.CURL.UP.AND.DIE.


No joke. And my brother generously offered me his iPod to borrow. As Barbie can attest, I had no idea how to use it. I'm a nano girl and he had an iTouch. Added to that is the fact that I had no clue what kind of music I was about to be listening to!


The race had no official start. A group of green leprechauns had a sign and they corralled us behind it. People of course refused to move back so you had to fight through the crowd to get somewhere that you could breathe. The 5K started first so we got to witness some of their finish which made us happy because we realized it was a downhill finish. There is nothing better than a downhill finish. The weird thing about the lack of start was they had timing chips in a pouch inside your bib number. To add to the weirdness is that after you crossed the finish you had to go about 10 feet where someone used a wand like thing to scan your bib. So your time was in no way accurate since the clock was back at the finish line. I opted to go with that time and just ignore whatever they say my time might be. I have not even looked at the official results. No clue if they are even posted anywhere.



Anyway, I'm sure people at the start thought I was funny because I kept laughing. Granted, it was a downhill start which was nice in the cold weather because you got some momentum going into the race. But my brother had a comedian loaded onto the iPod and that was what I was hearing. Shit was hysterical. And NSFW. Or even public consumption. I couldn't stop laughing.



The course was not too bad, there were some hills. None were too bad except the one on Northside Drive. I wanted to give the fuck up. Turn around, walk to Barbie's car and wait for her to finish up. Of course, had I done that I would have passed her on the way back because she was battling a cold and not feeling so hot herself. So, she would have joined me. And I would have been back in bed in half an hour. The greatest thing about the course was the clear mile markers with water stations right there. At every mile. It was great. Except it slowed me down so I ended up skipping the stations at mile 5 and 6. Glad I did, because my time was still speedy by my standards.


My complaints about the course aren't too major. I really disliked that we ran a 3.1 loop twice around Atlantic station. It was weird to be running next to exits for the highway and I didn't like knowing what was coming. I am not the type of runner who looks up course maps. I want to know YES IT IS HILLY NO IT IS FLAT and that is it. So I knew that damn hill was coming and wanted to cry. I just had to keep pushing. Just thinking to myself, come on Erin, run one more mile and then you'll stop. Which was a lie because I knew I was going to make myself run all 6.2 miles. The other complaint I had was the bands. This was probably one race I could have done without the iPod but the thing about those bands is this was a St. Patrick's Day race and none of them played Irish music. I'm Irish and I love the music so I would have loved to hear it during my run. And they made it seem like there would be lots of bands....three is not lots.

The finish had plenty of portapotties which is great for me (warning TMI coming) because I have always got to go after a race. BAD. Plus they had bagels, bananas, water and energy drinks for the runners. They did raffles but the raffles were called while we were still running! By the time I was finished 1/2 the tents had packed up and gone home (including Team in Training which was weird). I waited for Barbie, we grabbed some water and hit the road. Both to go home and rest and feel better!


I spent my run picking certain people and trying to keep them in my sights or passing them in order to keep pace. At most of the mile markers, someone was yelling times out so I was averaging around 10 - 10:30 minute miles. My finishing time was 1:01.25 according to the clock. I don't know how accurate it is but it is only about a minute and a half slower than the Charles Harris 10 K so I was stoked. Now, I need to sign up for my next race!

UPDATE: Angel, it was in Atlantic Station in Atlanta, GA. Happy now? Thanks for calling me out :)

Reason # 1 Why I'm NOT having sex...currently

So, I was thinking on this because...well, the reason is obnoxious enough that I wouldn't want anyone to be involved in a sexual encounter with me at this moment in time. Most women use the standard excuse of a headache for getting out of sex and I tend to just be honest. That's cool you want sex Mr. Penis but Miss Vagina will bite you in two if you come anywhere near her so stay the fuck away if you want to ever get close to her or any other vagina in your future. Anyway... I thought I might compile the reasons I am currently throwing myself back into No Sex Land ( or the reasons I have deluded myself into thinking I'm choosing not to have sex).

#1 My Boobs.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY BOOBS. I love everything about them. They are pretty much a great size for me (if a guy wants more, too fucking bad. I have to carry them around so I should have a say in how big they are damnit). The nipples are normal sized in my opinion, nothing to make a guy say OHMYFUCKINGGODWHATTHEFUCKISONYOURBOOB?!?!?! The coloring is nice. Sometimes, I just look at them in the mirror...with or without clothes. Sometimes I even cup them just to check their weight or how soft they might be. Whatever, they are my boobs and I'll do what I want with them.

So, why are they a hinderance to sex currently?

Well, they fucking itch. That's why. They itch constantly. And I just took a peek at them (yes, in the office) and the inside of my cute black bra looks like my boobs are shedding snake skin or something. And don't say that was TMI, this is a fucking sex blog for God's sake. Anyway, I think the skin is dry or something. Of course, the only lotion I have right now is scented which just dries your skin further. On that note, does anyone lotion their breasts up on a daily basis? Any tips for boob itching/dryness?

So, yeah, if they are so dry the inside of my bra looks like dandruff fell from my roots to my breasts, then I'm thinking it might be a turnoff to any guy who might be interested in slipping between my sheets with me. And even if he doesn't give a shit, I do and then sex won't be fun because I'll be thinking about my dry nipples, ya know?

Football Friday

Dear ESPN,

I am taking time out of my extremely busy schedule of stuffing envelopes, printing files and data entry to write you a letter expressing my concern over your programming decisions- specifically those of your assignments editor. I know this may come as a shock to you and your employees but outside of Bristol, Connecticut and Gainseville, FL we do not give a flying fuck about the second coming of Christ known commonly here on earth as Tim Tebow.

Now, I don't want to wake up to Tim Tebow in any way shape or form. Any day, time or place. But it is especially frustrating that I have to wake up to Saint Tim at 5 am while getting my work out on. Don't you think I'm pissed enough that I am up at that ungodly hour working my ass off to fit in my pants? If you are going to continue your banal blather extolling the virtues of an overrated douchebag (actually his douchebaggary is not overrated...just everything else about him) then I suggest you cease showing Sports Center on repeat from 11 pm to 7 am every damn day. Imagine the horror if you left your TV on and woke up in the middle of the night to see the goofy mug of Saint Tim on your TV screan. Scarred for life I tell you.

I know ESPN has been Saint Timmy's biggest cheerleader and why not? His image is so good for football fodder: home schooled boy with natural talent signs up for football team at local high school, goes on to the University of Florida and behind a talented team helmed a journey to both a Heisman trophy and a National Championship. All while promoting a vision of God and greatness. He is the perfect football idol for small children.

Except, that in your unabashed 24/7 promoting of him even when he's not playing we've all grown SICK OF HIM. His name literally makes me want to vomit...EVERYWHERE. I curse viciously. Instead of being impressed by his talent, I find myself laughing with glee when he stumbles. Actively searching for stories about his shortcomings. It's hard to feign interest in someone who has overtaken the very sport he plays. And the constant comparisons to other players...BLEH. Greatest player ever? He hasn't even tried his hand at pro football. And let's just say, the boys you tend to fawn over in college ain't doing so grand in the pros currently. They haven't really blown up like you predicted.

The guy got a 22 on the Wunderlic test for fuck's sake. He's had to change his throwing motion before even attending the combine. What he's good at is drawing a crowd so the Buffalo bills might want to hit that up quick like. The funniest thing to me is scanning the media stories about him. Check out the comments: if Tebow is football's most popular player and should be brought to NYC for the draft so he can be on TV why is he so hated on the message boards. If people love him so much, why is he so ridiculed. Why are there drinking games MAKING FUN OF THE MEDIA'S PORTRAYAL OF HIM?

For Tim Tebow's sake (and my reflux) step it down a notch. I don't need to hear about Tim Tebow during March Madness, or NASCAR, or anything else. Until he proves himself at the next level, let's dial down your adoration a notch. The draft is coming up and you've spent more time on someone who may not even get picked until Sunday over guys who have really stepped up their game and will be first-rounders. It's utterly ridiculous. And no amount of your preaching is going to make me like the guy more.

Sincerely,

Berryfine

PS. I thought about putting facts and figures and shit in here but there are people who don't watch football who read this crap so I thought maybe I'd cut that out.

PPS. Same goes for Tiger. Seriously. He fucked up, he likes sex, he's kind of a dick and he's great at his sport. We get it.

Erin Go Braugh! Bitches!

St. Patrick’s Day is my most favoritest holiday EVER and has been since I was a small child. It’s probably a vanity thing because every restaurant and bar has my name all over the place. Who doesn’t love that shit? Add the fact that it is acceptable to get completely smashed in public and it’s like you brought heaven on earth for me. I am actually not going to be celebrating this year past wearing my Irish Yoga shirt because I leave for Vegas next week and need the $$$$$ for that trip. It’s driving me nuts but just because I’m a loser tonight does not mean you should be, too. So, in the spirit of Saint Patrick and all things Erin, I am bringing you some of my favorite things Irish.

Words and Expressions for Drink:
Black Stuff
Gargle
Go On the Batter as in “My girlfriend goes on the batter more often than I do.”
Has a Great Lip for the Stout
Horse It Into Ye
Jar
Lick Drink Off a Scabby Leg
Lob it into Me, Boss
My mouth is as dry as an arab’s tackie
Piss-Up

And once you’re nice and Drunk:
Bollixed
Circling over Shannon (derived from a visit by Boris Yeltsin)
Fluthered as in “I was so fluthered last night I slept with the missus”
Gee-eyed
Langered
Off me face
Ossified
Paralytic which means so inebriated one actually passes out.
Plastered
Rat-arsed

What to Order at the Bar:
Black Velvet- Combine chilled stout and champagne in a large glass jug. Stir well. Pour slowly into pre-chilled tall glasses.

Hot Whiskey- Pour whiskey into a glass. Place a spoon in the glass and add sugar, cloves, lemon and two measures of just-boiled water. Stir well, pressing on the slice of lemon to extract juice. Serve immediately.

Irish Coffee- Warm the Irish whiskey in a microwave for 30 seconds. Pour whiskey into a warmed 7 oz Irish Coffee glass and add sugar. Fill with hot coffee to within a half an inch of the top of the glass. Stir until the sugar is dissolved. Sppon whipped cream on top of the hot coffee and serve immediately.

And when you get drunk, try not to ask someone to sing Danny Boy. The Irish are not a fan of Americans request for it. Try The Rocky Road to Dublin, I’ll Tell Me Ma, and if you are feeling especially frisky get someone to sing the filthiest song Maids When You’re Young Never Wed an Old Man.

Now, get the feck off your arse and start circling over Shannon!

Everybody Poops

So, I know this is TMI, but my mind is all over the damn place today because I got no sleep last night. And it’s going to go off in a million directions as I type this so you’ll just have to bear with me. I was just in the women’s restroom and I hated every moment of it. Why, you ask. Well, I had to go #2 and people were in and out of the damn bathroom during this time like men in a whorehouse. It made me incredibly uncomfortable. And while I was thinking how nice it would be to just stop it and wait another two hours until I got home, I wondered what the hell I had ingested that made me have to poop so badly at this moment in time. So far today, I have had a bottle of water, a protein shake and a cup of coffee. All liquids. And while I’m pondering, can liquid become a poop or is it simply pee? Yes, my friends, I have the mind of a child.

So, I wondered, could last night’s meal be what was coming out of me at this point (there is no polite way to put any of this so I apologize). My last meal prior to today was at 8 pm. Does it take more than 12 hours to digest food? Well, I thought to myself, what are you waiting for? GOOGLE THAT SHIT.

So I did, at work, because I’m too tired to function properly unless I am keenly interested in something. And that something right now is my poop. And how it got here.

So, first response (not like the pregnancy test) I got was from the Mayo Clinic who was very succinct and basically told me if I’m healthy then it should take 24-72 hours. So, if I’m not healthy does this happen slower or quicker? And why does it seem like I’m pooping my bad eating choices a mere hour after they occur. Trust when I say they don’t occur on a daily basis- usually once a week, I slip….hmmm. Thanks for not much Mayo clinic.

NEXTTTTTT…

Hello, Were You Wondering (http://www.wereyouwondering.com/), I might have to bookmark you for future research. He has diagrams and shit. And breaks down how it happens. Which I tried to read but found I wasn’t as interested as I had hoped. His decison: 80 hours from the time we see the food to the time we poop it.

Some sites had it as low as 5 hours (Wiki Answers- I don’t think you people know what you are talking about) but the general consensus is 72 hours. So without a food journal I have no idea what the hell I’m pooping out today. Bummer.

Tried to google liquids turning to poop but no one else seems concerned with that question. Or everyone else knows this answer. But I did stumble across this page which has some good topics of bowel movement to look at. Since I am running my ½ Marathon for CCFA, I know how important bowel movements are even as I try to be amusing about it. Seriously, if you have questions and concerns talk to a doctor because your bowel movements are indicative of your health. And we don't fuck around with our health, do we? It’s also a slightly uncomfortable topic and makes you feel like a child when you discuss it but whatever do it anyway. At least, I helped with some answers and no one has to know you even looked!

Am I the only curious about poop? I know I’m not the only one who hates public restrooms!

Fuck Up Friday

I know you may find this surprising, but there are actually people out there whose lives are spiraling out of control at a faster rate of deterioration than mine. So I shall bring you summaries of how this is possible on Fridays. Perhaps even in cage match type style. In fact, I really like that idea. So I'm going with it. Today, I bring you Berryfine v La Loca aka Lindsay Lohan.

Career

In both cases, I can say WHAT CAREER? La Loca makes money just being a trainwreck(and suing E*Trade and Grey World Wide for calling her a Milkaholic. Embrace it, I say.) while I handle medical billing for 13 bucks an hour. While I have a job, La Loca has...Honestly, I don't know what the fuck she has. Apparently an awesome title of creative director of some shit ass clothing company. Though I don't know what she actually does since she didn't even show up for their latest runway show. So while I may have my shit together jobwise, La Loca wins simply because someone pays her money to do nothing while I have settled for working my ass off for $13/hr.

La Loca- 1

Berryfine- 0

Sexual Orientation

Does it breath? Then La Loca will try to fuck it. Let's be honest here, she's not a lesbian but claims to be deeply in love with Samantha Ronson (who, if I'm being kind, looks like a man so it's easy to understand La Loca's confusion) but had a string of male lovers. I'm not entirely certain that she would turn down a grizzly bear if it asked. I, on the other hand, prefer men. Period. Okay, maybe boys since their maturity level never seems to pass 2nd grade. Score a point for the confused trainwreck.

La Loca- 2

Berryfine- 0

Age

I clock in at a respectable, you-should-have-your-shit-together-by-now, why-aren't-you-married/procreating 26. La Loca is a mere 21 days older than my brother so she's 23. Look at all we've both accomplished! I win simply because I'm older and I deserve to win one fucking category.

La Loca- 2

Berryfine- 1

Audible

La Loca: "If I could change bodies with anyone it would be Britney Spears because how can you not like Britney Spears?" (ironic, no?)

Berryfine: "If I could trade bodies with anyone for a day it would be Nicole Ritchie. I could fatten that bitch up and her anorexia could jump start my weightloss."

I'm calling it a draw and awarding both of us points. Because mine is wildly inappropriate and La Loca's is not.

La Loca- 3

Berryfine- 2

Biggest Fuck Up

I'm not sure I could pick one for La Loca. That's asking a lot of me considering bitch has a DUI, passing out in a gas station parking lot, picking Twitter fueds and all manner of other things I can't even recall (but that you can check out here) to her name. I, on the other hand, have passed out in a cross walk and avoided being arrested by the skin of my teeth due to my wittiness. However, I was fired for telling everyone on facebook that I hate my job so I have that going for me. La Loca wins this by default. It's really not even a competition.

La Loca- 4

Berryfine- 2

Life Ambition

La Loca wants to live the life of Marilyn Munroe. On one hand, I feel sorry for her. On the other, the world would probably thank her for leaving before her time should be up. I mean seriously, this bitch is so pathetic that you don't even give her a second glance anymore. And trainwrecks are meant to be looked at. I have a goal to be paid to drink and I'm not sure how I'm going to work it but I'll be damned if I give up on this. I would win this category if I would just get some ambition but it's hard to top wanting to play out the trajectory of a dead legend, you know? Why put in the effort when La Loca has the top goal?

La Loca- 5

Berryfine- 2

*WINNER*

Did I forget to mention that she plays with knives?

I know there is some great stuff I missed out on so feel free to comment below and tell me what category you think is missing or what makes La Loca or Berryfine the winner of Shambliest Life (yes, I made that up...that deserves half a point right there).

Twitter Tuesday Update

Okay, so as you read here I took a brief 34 hour sabbatical from Twitter and my friend Barbie got slightly perturbed and waged a bbm campaign to get me back to tweeting (bahaha I called you out yet again!). After a solid 4 hours of bbming I knew what the secret was and was not giving it away until the blog was completed. I even brought it up in the bbms and she either did not understand me or was playing dense (see section where she says, "I feel like you are speaking in code").

Basically, I won some sweet shit courtesy of @johnraser and @TheChristinaKim- two awesome golfers who stay linked in to social networking. They are technologically savvy and fun to boot. The two of them planned a little round of golf as a competition (check it on Twitter via #CKJR) and used ustream to share it with their followers and later asked our advice. My "kickass" commentary and how to make it more awesomer WON! Whoo. And yes, kickass is in quotes...because John Raser said it was kickass. More awesomer is me speaking.

You can watch the video here. Be sure to add John Raser's blog to your blog roll along with Christina Kim's!

FINALLY...kinda

Well it happened.  The boyfriend and I FINALLY had sex.  This is one of those beggars can't be choosers moments because it wasn't good sex.  Sure we could have done it again but there wasn't anything about the first time that motivated me for a second go round.  In fact during the sex I don't even know if I was paying attention.  My phone pinged that I received an e-mail and I was more interested in who the e-mail was from.  Turns out it wasn't an e-mail but it was a message from Erin.  I made sure to tell her the dull news.  She wasn't so excited that I was still naked and texting her.  Too much?

I guess when I start bitching about the fact that I'm not getting laid I need to not only ask for sex but ask for GOOD SEX.  Earth shattering, leg shaking, can't walk because I was pounded into the mattress sex.  After not having it for such a long time I think it would be best for both parties to skip the sweet, kissey love making and get straight to the porn star stuff.  Come on guy, I know you have it in you, give it to MEEE!

Progress!

So far, I have lost 10 lbs during this trek to get fit. While weight loss is not the ultimate goal, it certainly is something I pay close attention to with daily weigh ins to give me an idea of how various exercise and food is affecting my body. I can definitely feel a difference in my workouts as I can go farther, faster and longer than I could before. And muscles are slowly starting to peek out from beneath the fat. In fact, I went from squeezing into a size 12 and stretching the hell out of it in denial of the fact that I actually was a size 14 to comfortably wearing a size 10 in about 2 months time.

I feel much smarter about my choices. I’m less likely to beat myself up than I once was about overindulging or sleeping in instead of hitting the gym. Of course, that could be because for two months that has rarely happened. This is the longest amount of time I have been consistent about working out. Some days I even do two a days!

But even with all that progress that I can personally see, I am essentially a vain creature and I need validation from other sources. One night I went out with friends and every guy I am friends with made a point to mention to me how great I looked that night. I know only a few of them had a clue how hard I was working to lose weight. The others genuinely thought I looked good that night. And a friend of mine who is exotically hot and just started working out herself mentioned how great I looked and what an inspiration I was in her own decision to get bikini ready.

But none of them compare to this morning when my gym crush stopped to talk to me on his way out the door. First off, he knew my name. I have never once mentioned it to him so someone had to have told him because Travis (the only other person I talk to at the gym) never actually says my name. Second, he made it a point to tell me how he could see my hard work was paying off and how this was the best he had seen me looking since I started at the gym. Ummmm HOLY SHIT HE NOTICES ME! Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! Anyway, there is absolutely nothing like someone attractive from the opposite sex complimenting you. It’s like a drug so you keep working hard in order to get more. You need that fix. While gym crush is in a monogamous relationship currently, I have hope that more attractive guys are going to start noticing what I’ve got going on!

Berryfine's Reasons Why Not

Anyone remember that show Emily's Reasons Why Not? Yeah, me neither. Sorry, Heather Graham. But I did read the book it was based on and I thought of it today when my boss and I were talking about wedding announcements.

Boss: Are you excited for your trip to Vegas?
Berryfine: Well, if I actually get there and have any money when I get there then YES! Speaking of which the couple's wedding announcement is in the paper today. [I show it to her]
Boss: Oh, I love the picture.
Berryfine: The announcements are so boring though. It's like they exist simply so people's grandparents and parents can be mentioned in 8 pt font. [Boss laughs] Unless you're famous. Then they tell the story of how you met...

I launch into this story I found while stalking one of my one night stands via facebook which just made me realize...FUCK...he's not on the list so my number is actually 13. God. Damnit. WTF. So I guess I'll be amending that list soon. Anyway, read the story but the gist is this couple just kept missing each other and then timing and blah blah blah. Which lead to my boss saying this:

The man you are going to marry could be right under your nose!

To which, I responded without hesitation:

Good Lord! I hope not!

Which lead me to ponder why these guys wouldn't work out....sooo, here you go, for your enjoyment:

1. The First: Ummm, short or long version? Basically, the kid is a fuck up. Seriously, straight out of Rome, GA with the common sense of an ant (which is actually kind of an insult to the ant). Incredibly smart but ADHD and with no sense of right or wrong in that it applies to him, The First and I were way too volatile. You know how they say sometimes love isn't enough? Well, in this case love drove us both absolutely crazy. We literally brought out the worst in each other (not to mention we were straight off Jerry Springer). But the sex was great. If I could get past my mental qualms I'd probably go back for seconds. That and he'd have to lose some weight.
2. The Bartender: Monogamy occurred with Tony and my friend Krista. Who I hooked up after he and I finished having sex. I wanted a relationship, he needed a distraction from the break up. And now we are friends.
3. Spring Break Guy: Well, obviously, I have no clue what this guy's name is so that is problem number one. Number two would be that he had a girlfriend back home waiting on him to finish banging me in a bathroom. I know, epitome of class right here.
4. Dr. Pothead: Good Lord, ask my friend Shannon, this has got to be the biggest dick my vagina has ever encountered. I'm not sure my vagina could handle it. Not to mention he is super smart but kind of a space cadet due to massive quantities of weed inhaled.
5. TrueLove: Ohhhh TrueLove. He was the kind of guy who would throw you into a wall in public and just make out. With your entire face. And he has ex-girlfriend issues.
6. Penis Nano: I call him penis nano for a reason.
7. The Whatever: Well...we're best friends now. Everyone has a one that got away. This is that guy. He's bought a house with his current girlfriend so I'm sure marriage is on the horizon.
8. Lucky Charms: I used to joke this guy had lucky charms in his pants. It's not a joke. And I'm pretty sure this is the second and hopefully last guy Krista and I have both slept with.
9. The Spring Fling: Well, Matt was needy. Christ, we slept together on the beach on spring break and when we got back to school one time. He followed me around like a puppy. Which is nice on days you feel fat but on other days it is just obnoxious. If only I could take him out like a toy and play with him.
10. The Marine: Married. That would be a problem. And he had this obsession with not finishing during sex but waiting until after I fell asleep to go to the shower. WTF? Apparently, that less than one percent chance of pregnancy scared the fuck out of him but we both hated condoms. I'm sorry this will never work. And, as Vanessa can attest to, he was kind of dumb as a brick.
11. The Groomsman: My friend Brittany's fiance told me I could do better. On my birthday. Immediately prior to me ditching my friends to go get birthday sex with him. He is a great fuck buddy but lacks the common courtesy skills to be a boyfriend. Like, if something comes up and you aren't coming to pick them up, hello? CALL THEM. Jesus.
12. The Sleeper: Well, obviously, this guy will have sex anywhere and while I'm on the public places train I'm not okay with sex when other people are across the twin bed from me. Plus, we just met. Weirdo.
13. Batboy: Idk how I forgot this guy. I hiked home in the snow two miles to my friend Lexi's place after we had sex. The foreplay was great, the sex...so, so. All could be forgiven since he plays guitar except that he lives a fabulous life working for MLB, living in NYC and dating a gorgeous girl.

So, what are your dealbreakers? Could a guy you have already dated be the one? Would you be okay with that?

Wednesday Wig Out

Why are some people so unable to read blatant social cues? There are just certain facial expressions and tones of voices that scream:

LEAVE.

ME.

THE.

FUCK.

ALONE.

If I'm giving you one word answers, stop asking questions. More than likely, your questions are stupid and there is no need to be asking them in the first place. When you ask an open-ended question and I give you a yes or no answer...there's your sign asshole.

When the words please advise appear in an email or written memo, that generally means I don't know what the fuck I am doing and my innate professionalism has driven me to come to you for guidance. Therefore, you respond with a how-to guide or a quick explanation. You don't ignore me and just complete the task yourself. You don't say "I got it" because then when it comes up again we will just repeat the cycle. And I hate repeating ridiculous cycles (unless it involves booze).

If I am looking just over your shoulder or barely laughing then I don't want to be talking to you. I know, it's crazy to imagine someone doesn't want to speak to you or even listen to the oh so fascinating words coming out of your mouth but it does, in fact, happen once in a blue moon. So end the damn conversation and walk away. This way I don't have to offend you.

I know there are other ones out there (like when I ignore your texts asking me out, I don't want to go out dude. Not difficult) but these three occurred today so I felt a need to vent about them. Tell me about missed social cues that drive you crazy!

My First Trip to Home Depot

Okay, I know you are anxiously awaiting Wig Out Wednesday (Barbie, I'm talking to you) but I had a ridiculous three hours dealing with some...carpentry...that I have just got to share with you. Trust, if you know me, you know that the Home Depot is not my milieu.

AT.ALL.

I admit, I can be a bit overambitious. With everything. I am an idea person with absolutely NO FOLLOW THROUGH whatsoever. Especially with my artistic ability, which is my own not so humble opinion is stellar and only rivaled by my writing skills. I've taken art lessons but got burned out. I love scrap booking for other people. I did a couple of paintings for my apartment and now...I'm undertaking a HUGE task in just 4 very, very short days.

As I mentioned in a Table Topic Thursday post, I am often asked to be in weddings. I have no idea why. Seriously, ladies, what do you see in me that says I'm your girl? Anyway... my friend Sam asked me to be in her wedding and immediately I started wondering what the wedding gift should be (though, hello? me being in the wedding ought to be the damn gift) and came up with a brilliant idea. You see, Sam's fiancee Matt is always bitching when we play drinking games about beer on the table and running around with a rag cleaning. So, I decided it would be a great idea to make a a cover for the table. So we could play beer pong without the flip out.

It's actually harder than I thought. Damn. Figures. And more expensive than I had hoped.

So, today, I headed to Home Depot for the first time ever. I called my mom, borrowed her Jeep Cherokee, and headed back toward my apartment. Of course, it would be raining on this day that I needed to purchase wood for a beer pong table cover. The first guy I bumped into inside was Indian and I'm not trying to be racist but I couldn't understand a fucking word that came out of his mouth. And he kept trying to sell me shit I don't need. "I don't own a house," I must have repeated a 1/2 dozen times. Finally, I find the lumber section and I just stand there helplessly. Finally, I spotted a guy and explained what I was looking for which was...well, I had no idea. So he started talking to me about shellacking (what the fuck is that? here you go.) and asking me how it would be constructed and suddenly I felt overwhelmed. He convinced me to steer clear of plywood because if I wasn't nailing it down, it would bow up. So, now that he picked out my wood (omg I'm dying for having typed that) I had to figure out how the fuck we were getting this thing home.

It took some guy 45 minutes to wrap it in plastic, tape it and mount it onto my mom's car. Thankfully, I only had to cut through the parking lot and into my apartment complex. Then the fun began. I cut all the strings and yanked 100 lbs of wood off the Jeep. In the pouring rain. Ten minutes later I had flipped it over and against a pole. Ten minutes after that I had it half way up the stairs (by the way I live on the 3rd floor) when it slid all the way back down. My arms were SCREAMING and I was cursing my prior enthusiasm for this project.

And then my own personal hero came walking through the rain and helped me carry the damn thing up the stairs and into my shithole apartment (a shithole because I'm too busy to clean). Three hours of my life, gone. But I learned a couple of things:

1. I need friends with trucks. Who live nearby. And like to help me.
2. Home Depot is filled creepy hispanics. But also with some sexy contractors who come by to pick up supplies (and is blue the universal color of their uniform?). I'm 26 and single so that might be my new lunch time hangout.
3. I do have a couple of nice neighbors.

But I also came away with a dilemma...or two. One, where am I getting the time to finish painting this shit? And how the fuck am I getting it to the Stock the Bar party? Shiiiittt....what a terrible idea. Next time, a bottle of wine will have to do.

***Check out some of these AWESOME beer pong tables that were made by people wayyy more talented than I!

Who Works Out At 5 AM?

I wake up at 4:50 am Monday through Friday and hit the gym for cardio. Travis, the guy who works the desk and makes my delicious smoothie every day, calls into question my sanity because I’d rather hit the gym in the morning than sleep in. For me, personally, I will slack off as the day goes on. I am definitely a morning person- in college I always woke up the day a paper was due and banged it out in a few short hours before class rather than pulling an all nighter. As the day progresses, my speed at data entry declines, my focus strays and I grow incredibly tired. Whether I sleep in or not these things occur. Therefore, to ensure that I get my gym time in, I have spent 2010 going in the morning. And I am not alone, obviously, or this post would not be written. The fact is, a wide spectrum of people are at the gym at the same time as I am and I’ve been studying them while on the treadmill.

The Silver Sneakers: This is actually the name of a class at Gold’s Gym as well but I think it is appropriate for several of the old timers that come in at 5 am to lift weights. Some get there even earlier. It makes perfect sense to me since often times you can find my grandparents up and at ‘em with their Dunkin’ Donuts coffee at 3 am. At 5 am, it’s all men hitting the weight machines and their attire leaves much to be desired in that it most definitely does not cover enough. I have never seen spandex so tight sag so much but it is possible. The shuffle from one machine to the next and put 10 lbs on and then breathe heavily while spending 30 minutes doing about 10 reps. But hey, they are out there so I give them props.

The Rooster: There is one guy at my gym who has got to be about 60. He wears all black- black bike shorts, black tank top, black socks and black shoes which makes his shock of white hair all the more…shocking. He preens around the gym in between sets on each machine, puffing his chest out and pretending not to look around to see who is watching. He thinks he is hot shit (especially for his age) but his paunch says otherwise.

The Couple that Sweats Together… : God, help me if I ever attend the gym with my future (currently nonexistent) boyfriend. The couples that show up and sweat together are frankly disgusting. Does a mini-makeout sesh help increase strength? Is there some study I don’t know about indicating this? And for the love of god, I do not want to hear your discussion of yard work through the music blaring in my headphones so turn down your exclamations ending with baby!

The Hottie: My gym crush is HOT. No doubt about it. I don’t care what he says, or does or wears or anything because he is so attractive and I could sit and watch him do pullups for hours. Talk about some motivation. And he works hard to look that good- GTL Baby.

The Nottie: Yes, I just quoted a Paris Hilton movie. I know, I am ridiculous. I absolutely cannot figure out why or how my hottie is friends with this guy. First off, he is a Clemson fan and I have an immediate distrust for anyone wearing orange. He is the absolute antithesis of my crush- pale, not built at all and quiet. Plus, he doesn’t work all that hard despite having a trainer to the trainers. He's there to be seen.

The I Don’t Know About Boundaries Guys: What the fuck is up with people getting on the machine immediately next to me? There are 100+ machines in the gym for cardio and about 5 of us using them. Trust me when I say 10 of them can see ESPN as well as the machine I am on. And I can see you staring at my ass in the mirror, you jerk.

The Flirts: Who goes to the gym to pick up ladies? These guys who workout with said trainer to the trainers are constantly hitting on me. Overtly. Not even in passing. They just walk right up to the machine I am on while I am sweating and start telling me not to lose too much weight and leering at various body parts exposed by my attire. They make me feel incredibly dirty and I’m not sure how to brush them off. No matter what I do, every day (unless I manage to get to the locker room before they arrive) the hunt me down and shamelessly use embarrassing pick up lines.

The Sexpot: HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GIRL LOOK ATTRACTIVE WHILE WORKING OUT? And bitch works out. She lifts weights for 30 minutes and then hits the treadmill for 30 minutes at about 7 mph. And looks good doing it. I swear, she doesn’t wear a drop of make up. She has legs and an ass I envy and arms I would quite frankly kill for. I just want to run her under armored add over with my car. I look like a pig when I work out and she looks like a tigress. Life. Is. So. Unfair.

What about you? Any funny or great people at your gym? I’d love to hear I am not alone in my gym rat people watching!

Twitter Tuesday

So, I had someone all picked out for you to add to your list of awesomeness that you follow on Twitter. Unfortunately for all of you, something far more twitter-relevant and entertaining has occurred having to do with me. So, my person will have to wait and you will have to wonder who it may have been.

For those of you who didn't read my Monday Musings (for shame!), I took a reprieve from Twitter yesterday after getting up at 4:50 am. I stayed up long enough to tweet Must. Get. Up and then promptly fell back alseep until 6:41 am. So I decided in order to be productive I would take 24 hours away from tweeting. I figured no one would notice. Well, someone did and that someone has got her panties in a WAD. No joke.

It began yesterday with this tweet:

@fromfat2fit2010 where the hell have you been today? I feel like I am on Erin withdrawals. Patio Please!!

And continued onto this very blog with the following comment:
I was wondering where you were on Twitter today. Worst idea ever. You missed so much. But I know secrets I am not allowed to shared. You better start catching up on what you meant. ...or are you pulling a Ward and detaching. Yes, I just used Ward as an adjective. Thanks for listening.
If you know me AT ALL, you know there is nothing I like better than annoying the shit out of people- except maybe boozing. It comes second nature to me since I'm a bitch from Jersey. I simply adore getting a rise out of people. I'm not going to lie, it is kind of empowering. And I loooove empowering. Therefore, her commentary just made me want to stay off twitter longer (besides NO ONE ELSE NOTICED I WAS MIA- what a crushing blow to the ego). Since I refused to get on Twitter, she decided it was time for desperate measures...aka BBM. Below is some of what has gone on throughout today via my blackberry:

9:34 AM-
Her: Why in the hell are you anti twitter this week? what gives?
Me: IDK... Yesterday I was just pissed that I got up early enough to tweet and then promptly went back to sleep instead of the gym. Today, it is just entertaining to do to you.
Her: Thanks. Way to stir the pot.
Me: lo siento

12:18 PM-
Her: I find your lack of twittering annoying.
Me: Why is that? You are the only one who has noticed and said anything.
Her: Because I know secrets that can only be revealed via twitter
Me: Haha, omg. I'm still checking the damn thing when the bb indicates someone said something to me. Jesus. And I'm confused as to why they can only be revealed via Twitter? That's just weird.
Her: Because I'm not allowed to break the news. And you only converse with the person via the internet.
Me: Is it @runwithward? If the news is I'm finally going to meet my internet trainer at the race this weekend then he could have easily told me this morning when he emailed me.
Her: Nope. Not @runwithward.
Me: Or if @johnraser is going to ask me on a date then direct message works.

1:01 PM-
Me: Seriously idk if I feel like getting on twitter. I'm way more productive without it.
Her: Truth
Me: And I still don't get why YOU want me to be on twitter for a secret YOU can't tell anyway. Am I to just twiddle my thumbs until someone else lets the secret slip? This whole thing makes no sense @bamabarbie06
Her: I am sworn to secrecy. Until I am told I can tell you I cannot say a word.
Me: Well then I will remain as I am. Tough shit for you bahahaha. Now I am just boycotting for spite.
Her: Boooo. I am gonna riot. I would blog about it but I have no bullet points.
Me: Haha poor you. Perhaps you should have a talk with mystery secret revealer about your dilemma.
Her: I have been
Me: No dice huh? That sucks dude. No one seems to have any sympathy for you. Boo!
Her: Oh that person is fretting too. They don't want to @you. They want you to find out via reading.
Me: Haha well that is stupid. If that person has a blog and said blog reveals secret via video then I can't watch it until I get out of the office because the video won't load here. If not then idk what the person who is fretting will do. I really hope it's not a guy cause fretting is not a verb you use for a guy.
Her: I feel like you're talking in code.
Me: Haha it's kind of fun.

1:34PM-
Her: I will pout all I want.
Me: I will continue to boycott Twitter then.
Her: I will boycott you.
Me: Yeah right. You are behaving like a child.
Her: Haha. Thanks for scolding me. I have been told to tell you "wtf" and that you "will be excited if you sign on"

So, at this point all I know is I will be "excited" and it is someone I converse with only on the internet. Which leads me to believe it is @johnraser, @udothedishes, @Astand49 or @runwithward because I'm fairly certain those are the only ones who would have anything so awesome that she would nag me like this. Plus we both converse with them via Twitter. I am absolutely enjoying the hell out of annoying her but what if by doing this I miss out on said awesome and exciting secret? What if I'm losing by being a bitch? Damn, well it was a nice 34 hour run anyway.