Pre-Race Moves

Y'all know I love me some Fitness magazine. Over the weekend, I got an e-blast from them about 9 must do moves for runners. So I thought I might share them with those of you who have not hopped on this bandwagon with me yet!

• Pre-race Fueling: Drink 14-20 oz of fluid 2-3 hours before your race (I agree with this but I'm not getting out of bed at 4 am to drink water unless I'm having to get up then to make the drive for the race. I'm just lazy like that). When you pee, your urine should be a lemonade shade (their comment, not mine). Eat something with .9 grams of carbs per lb of body weight 2-3 hours before the race. Look for high-carb, low fiber foods. They also suggest having an energy gel or sports drink right before the race but my opinion is that seems silly for a 5 or 10 K. But whatever floats your boat.
• 45-55 minutes before the race: Jog slowly for about 15 minutes and then do the following stretches:

1. Hamstring Stretch- you know, you lie on the ground, one leg bent and using a towel or band you stretch the other leg toward your chest. Whatever, go to the site for directions and video- I'm just here to share what they said. I'm not an expert yo.
2. Calf Stretch- sit on the ground, legs together stretched out in front of you. Loop towel or band around one foot and flex and release foot.
3. Quad stretch: Lie on your side, feet stretched out. Extend arm of the side you are lying on above your head, use other arm to pull foot of your top leg to your butt.

• 10 minutes to race time: Warm up drills

1. Side shuffle (video on site). You know, move to the right and swing arms. Yes, you'll look like a monkey. Yes, I will laugh at you.
2. B Skip: Hop straight up, lifting one knee to your chest. Extend same leg forward to create a stride. It's like those guys from Star Wars marching, but faster. And less nerdy. Okay, not really at all.
3. Butt kicks. Pretty self explanatory, run and kick your own ass. Bam.
4. Run backward. Again self explanatory.

• 5 minutes til race time- quick strides to loosen up. Accelerate with each pass until you're sprinting.

Boom. That's their tips. What do you do to get prepped on race day? Personally, I eat a luna bar and drink some water about an hour before the race. I stretch some. And then I run when the race starts. Guess I need to work on that.

Since We're on the Subject of TSM....

After considering TSM, I started thinking to myself other incidents where I had pulled a TSM. I think the first such occurrance bears repeating now. So, here goes...

The First and I had a hell of a breakup (and rollarcoaster relationship as well) and I decided a total reevaluation of my life was in order (this is called a Guyatis which I will have to tell you about at a later date). The end of said Guyatis was on March 17. Which happens to be my favorite holiday (St. Patrick's Day for you none drinkers). Which happened to be on Spring Break my junior year. How did I celebrate this momentous occassion?

Ummm, sex. Duh.

The Spring Break Guy was, of course, a one night stand. I met him at the pool of our hotel in Daytona Beach, FL. I was there with 6 friends and went a little crazy (as girls tend to do on spring break. Throw in post-breakup and well you have the makings for a Girls Gone Wild video). Anyway, chillin by the pool we were all drinking vodka mixed drinks and having a good time. This very attractive, very tan guy with a six pack, blond hair and blue eyes was joking around with me in the pool. He was extremely impressed with my giant ass 60 oz+ jug of booze I was toting around from hotel room to beach to pool and back again. After an afternoon of boozing led to an evening of more boozing and somehow the two of us were running up and down hallways of the hotel laughing like loons and singing Hos in different area codes (based on the fact that our room number was an Atlanta area-code). After some hot and heavy making out...

And groping...

And nipping...and licking...

Spring Break guy tugged me into a bathroom.

Yes, a fucking bathroom.

And into the handicapped stall (appropriately enough we were both handicapped by booze). A quick flick of the wrist had the stall locked. And then he was pulling me down to straddle him and we were making out. Soon my top was on the floor (were we in the girls or guys bathroom? No fucking clue). Everything is pretty much a hazy, pleasure filled memory at this point but I remember suddenly feeling a dick and liking it (duh).

Why on earth had I taken a guyatis when I could be doing this all the time? By this, I don't mean sex in bathrooms (though shit like that is fun for never have I ever as my college friends can attest to). I will say, it is DIFFICULT to fuck on a toilet (not to mention disgusting now that I am an adult). First, 99% chance your legs aren't long enough so you end up on your tip toes and he has to thrust upward (though I later learned if I had just faced the other way this would have been a helluva lot easier- but where is the fun in that?). Second, it's tiring on the ol legs so you better be prepared not to finish, or be on the cusp before you even start because working that hard is going to ruin it for you. I guess the real question is why didn't we have it standing up? Well, clearly the guy was lazy. Duh.

Notable about this fuckfest:

1. Our friends had no clue we were in the bathroom doing this. They thought we'd gone to get more booze. Which we did. Eventually.

2. He was from Jersey. Which is where I'm from. Actually the town right next to mine. Which is also the town I go drinking in when I go home.

3. Homeboy had a girlfriend. Which I found out about immediately after ("my girlfriend is gonna kill me if she finds out")

4. I haven't a clue what his name is nor have I ever.

Have a lost some friends and readers with this disclosure? I was just 21 in my defense and kind of an idiot. Now, I would do it standing up...against the sink... maybe in a bed? I try not to judge myself.

A Saturday With Life In Shambles

A wordless wendesday. File it under why you don't pass the fuck out before your friends without locking your door.

Step One: You pass out. We pretend to beat you.

Step Two: You won't wake up, we actually beat you.

Step Three: Holy shit, we found permanent marker!

Step Four: We could have drawn an actual dick on your face.

Step Five: Nothing says class like a tramp stamp. Followed by a graphic depiction of anal.

Step Six: Helmet. The end.

Life in Shambles Takes the Wonderlic!

So, as my loyal 10 or so readers know, I am currently on the job hunt (if you are in the Atlanta area and stumble upon this blog and are hiring- well, if you're goal is to get a slightly overweight but mildly attractive girl who likes to party, talk shit, write, read and general entertain the masses...well, I'm that girl. Call me). The latest place to interview me called me in for a job and bluntly told me:

You are not qualified for the job on that piece of paper. In no way. At all.

She brought me in as a favor to a friend of ours and I appreciated her honesty. Honestly. Then I got an email from her with a link to take the Wonderlic and was confused. But I took it. On a Friday. After 8+ hours of work. So, I'm thinking the score wasn't too great.

What's the Wonderlic?

Well, its an exam of 50 questions. The amount of time alotted to take it varies from 8 minutes to 12 minutes and it measures your ability to learn. I'm here to tell you the questions are fucking EASY but...and it's a BIG BUT (as opposed to BUTT) the fact that you have a limited amount of time to take it makes it seem harder than it is. In fact, it's kind of stressful. So it also kind of tests your ability to work under pressure.

Sample questions include:

You bought 8 pens for $2.50. How much would 2 dozen cost you?

Which of these words don't belong with the other: cat dog frog turtle tree (okay, I made that one up but you get my point)

Which of these groups don't have a pair within them?

01234 01234

45678 45678

9123 9123

45687 46587

25896 258696

According to Wikipedia (which I only trust about 40% of the time but whatever) 20 is the average score for intelligence. The score is calculated by the number of correct answers given in the alloted time. Wiki says its a 12 minute test but I'm here to tell you that I was given 8 minutes so clearly there are different versions. The test questions go back and forth between math and language so that you are constantly switching gears.

My goal in taking this test (aside from impressing the hiring manager) was to beat Tim Tebow and his score of 22. If I was dumber than him...well, I'd have to kill myself. Ideally, I wanted to score better than Matt Stafford and his 38. The woman didn't give me my score but she did mention my cognitive skills were impressive so I must have done well despite only answering a little over half the questions. The problem was for every math question, I was writing out the formulas and then checking my work (I'm terrible at math and they say no calculators. I'm not cheater y'all). Journalists typically make a 26 on the test so I'm hoping I was at least that, if not higher. The word IMPRESSIVE makes me think higher but you never know.

If you are thinking you may have to take the Wonderlic in the future, check out this site for some practice. Wish I had thought of that before I took it.

Total Sororostitute Move

Have you seen the website, Total Frat Move? Hot Mess, I know you have! For the rest of you, the site tracks experiences that only a TRUE gentleman would make in all his Polo shirted, Sperry wearing, Rayban toting glory. Things like showing up for church in the clothes from last night (and ending up on camera for a nationally televised show) or banging your girlfriend's roommate on accident because you went into the wrong room (and then getting back into bed with your girlfriend). You get the picture. Anyway, I have decided that I had a Total Frat Move of my own (and actually probably have them more regularly than a lot of my male counterparts) that I will christen Total Sororostute Move despite never having been in a sorority. Whatever.

I had a guy trying to get me to come see him all night. I kind of half heartedly said okay but then went out with my friends and got completely fucked up. He kept texting to see if I was coming over and I kept hitting ignore. But then I caught a cab home with friends and ended up a solid 4 miles from my apartment (not that this has stopped me from walking home in the past). Somehow I ended up on the phone with said guy who offered to come get me.

Damn, I must be better in bed than I thought!

Anyway, 30 minutes later (he lives a solid 45 minutes away and at 2 am was FLYING toward me. How he didn't get a ticket I'm not sure), he pulled up to another guy's house and I ran out to his car. We got back to my apartment but before I could let him have his way with me, I was going to need some male stuff down around my house.

That's right I made my hook up for the night, drive 30 minutes to pick my drunk ass up and then made him complete a to-do list around the house before giving up the goods.

And people think I'm easy.

Sidelined by a sinus infection

Soooo...I meant to run Monday. Really I did. I woke up in the morning and heard the rain and decided 5 am might not go well with rain. One or the other is fine, but both? I'm not in training yo. Then by the time I got home from work, I had a sinus infection that was not only in my left nostril but had migrated to my left eye as well. And it was pouring with thunder and lightning. Soooo running was out of the question. I worked my arms and abs while watching tv and took some medication and passed out.

Woke up this morning with both eyes watering and my right nostril stuffed up. The idea of running made me want to cry. I decided sleep might be a better choice for me and am hoping that this afternoon I will feel a little better and want to run.

Feel sorry for me yet? I wish I looked this cute while sick.

Good news- Yesterday I was weighing in at a hefty (for me, using negative words like that is going to keep me from eating shit today) 162.4. Slowly creeping back up to 175. Today, I weigh in at 160.4. Might have something to do with my food choices yesterday but also the weight work I did.


So tell me what you do when you're feeling sickly but need/want to run? Do you give it a shot? Do you walk? Do you take a rest day?

Well that was over quick...

So you're probably all wondering the results of my date with The Commercial Banker...well, let;s just say it was over quick and I was left high and dry (literally and figuratively). The case for fucking on the first date has been made (because at least then I'd have gotten some).

Remember how I asked you guys your thoughts on talking about sex on the first date (and how none of you responded)? Well, it wasn't THAT bad. There was the sex bet joke but other than that no talk of it. In fact, homeboy doesn't have the balls to say this to my face but don't worry I got these texts on a Saturday afternoon:

Can you handle my cock in your mouth after UA wins the national championship?
If Alabama wins the national championship I get to cum on your face.

My response:
Wow Commercial Banker you're fucking classy

His:
I'm drunk.

Later on, his house floods. He texts me and tells me. I kind of feel bad and being the nice person I am I ask if there is anything I can do. He says the following:
No, thank you though. Karma for me wanting to cum on your face. haha.

So, yeah, that's not going to work. A friend of mine and I were out to dinner and I told her about it and she was as offended as I. In fact her first response was "What if it got in your eye? OUCHHHH."

The more I think about it, the more I realize that commentary like that is one thing when you're with your guys and your showing off and being dicks. But when you are trying to spend time with a girl, all that those texts show me is you have zero respect for me (and possibly other women). There is nothing nice about having a guy shoot his load into your face in any stretch of the imagination. And especially if you're bringing it up before we've even kissed or gone on more than one date. I don't care how drunk you are, you just don't say shit like that.

Surprisingly enough, we have not spoken since then (aside from my response to the last text calling him an ass). Unfortunately, I will have to see him at the birthday party of my best friend's child this weekend. The juxtaposition of a one year old smashing his cake and a 28 year-old behaving worse than said one year old should be entertaining. And incredibly awkward but I just plan on ignoring him the entire time. If anyone says anything...well, I don't know what I'll say.

It's a New Week...damnit.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. ~Author Unknown

Or chinese, Natty light, burgers, chips and salsa, turkey sandwiches, jack and diet.... Football Weekends (starting Thursday) SLAY ME. But it's a new week...DAMNIT. So here goes. I'm putting it out there in hopes that the plan will be what gets me going in the right direction (nothing else has worked yet- clearly I need gym crush in my life).

Monday: Well, I planned to get up and run today but it's raining. If it is raining tonight, that's cool- I just don't want to be running at 5 am in the rain. One or the other my friends. The plan is 4 miles.

Tuesday: 2 miles, weights

Wednesday: 4 miles

Thursday: 2 miles, weights

Friday: 4 miles

Saturday: Walk (cause I'll be hung over I'm sure), exercise video of some sort

Sunday: Bike Ride, Pilates

So there it is... Foodwise, well...one step at a time my friends. What are your goals for this week?

Taking One for the Team

I am such a drunk slutty sloot. Also, a manipulative bitch. Awesome.

Soooo, remember my little make out, hook up, sex convo? Well... the guy from the boat is baaaccckkkk. And single. And just wants to fuck me. And who am I to deny anyone? Thanks to my girl Ashley, I accepted to inevitable:

Me: Annnnnd guess who just text me?
Ashley: Um?
Ashley: Um?
Ashley: The Commercial Banker?
Me: Hahaha boy from the houseboat.
Me: The Commercial Banker is in the mountains this weekend.
Ashley: hahaha ohhhh boy from the houseboat.
Me: Haha I knew you'd laugh.
Ashley: He's working I think! You should see what he's up to after workkkkk!
Me: He just told me that and asked me what I was up to tonight haha.
Ashley: The boy from the houseboat is the type who won't give a shit about the shape of your apt too btw
Me: Why Ashley are you pushing me to hook up with the boy from the houseboat?
Ashley: Ohhhh you loved it! It's true too! Just wrap it up. Bahahaha! Get some for us not getting any!
Me: And now you're putting the weight of the sexless on me?

Well, don't worry Ms. Ashley I stepped up. However, I wasn't such a sloot that I had sex. Sorry sweetie.

Another For Your Entertainment Gold's Gym Email Chain

First, good bye follower I lost. I shall miss you (ummm, you aren't reading this because you ditched my blog but maybe one day you'll come across it...) Anyway, as most of you know, I go to Gold's Gym but now that I moved it is a 40 minute drive. Add on to the fact that I lost my contract gig, and I really don't have the money to be throwing at a gym membership. So, I thought I would consult the gym about how we could remedy this. After 5 (that's FIVE for those of you who like it spelled out) phone calls went unreturned I again went back to emailing my dear friend, General Manager Sean.

Date: September 16, 2010
Sean,
I am a member at Gold's Gym Lawrenceville; however, after losing my job I have had to relocate into a new place. I tried to continue to come there to work out but it is a 35-40 minute drive for me and a waste of gas money. What do I need to do to cancel my membership?
Thanks,
Berryfine

See how that worked- I told him I lost my job in hopes of a lower cancellation fee. Well, he didn't even bother to email me back. Surprise, surprise after 5 unreturned phone calls in which he was "with other members". 4 (that's FOUR) days go by. No answer.

Date: September 20, 2010
Sean,
I just spoke with Paramount Acceptance in regards to cancelling my account. They mentioned I may need to come into the gym to do this in person. I emailed you last week in reference to this and really need an answer. If this is something I need to do in person, I need to adjust my schedule to accomdate that. Please call or email ASAP so I can get everything in order.
Thanks,
Berryfine

Date: September 21, 2010
Berryfine,
Your membership doesn’t actually expire until January of 2012. If you choose to just cancel your membership, you will need to either schedule a time to come into the facility and do cancellation with a Manager or you can send the cancellation via certified mail from the Post Office. With you currently being in the middle of your contract, you will be required to submit a cancellation fee of $150. If there are any further questions, please feel free to call.

Sean

Whoooaaaaa- my membership ends in January? It's September? I'd say that makes me more than halfway through my contract. IN FACT, LET'S DO THE MATH. 4 months left on the contract x a monthly fee of $25= $100 (I'm no math whiz but I do know 4 quarter equals a dollar). Why the fuck would I pay MORE than I have to in order to cancel a membership? Is he fucking kidding me? It took me two days to calm down and figure out how to approach him to get this taken care of.

Date: September 23, 2010
Sean,
That's more than paying the $25 bucks a month so that makes no sense to do. I know the same owners also own the gym at Peachtree Corners. Who would I need to speak to about moving over to that gym- which is at least closer to my office than Lawrenceville. I see you are the General Manager so if you can't do anything to help me considering I just explained in the first email that I lost my job and live 40 minutes away from the Lawrenceville location, then I'll need to speak with the owner who will be able to make more decisions in regards to that.
Thanks,
Berryfine

Date: September 23, 2010
Berryfine,
We can absolutely transfer you to that gym. There is only a $25 fee to transfer between our gyms. As far as cancelling the membership, as long as you provide proof of the new address we can cancel you membership with only an $89 cancellation fee and a 30-day notice. If the Peachtree gym is more convenient for you, please let me know and I’ll contact that manager and let them know you’re coming by to transfer.

Sean

Okay, so still I have to pay more to use the gym. Plus that location isn't THAT much closer that I would go that often. Also, can we discuss that suddenly the cancellation fee has gone DOWN? Really, Sean? That must work on some dipshits but I wasn't born yesterday. I really wanted to free up that cash so that I can join a gym near my apt but I guess that won't be happening until January!

Examining the Gaggle

The Girls over at WTF is UP with My Love Life (thanks Hot Mess for turning me onto them) are hotly debating Gaggles and Self-Justifying Players. Sidenote: I came into the discussion late and every time they said SJP I thought they meant Sarah Jessica Parker which made me think of Carrie from Sex and the City which actually isn't too far off base since after thinking about it she may be the female Self-Justifying Player. Anyway...they are discussing opening up your horizons by having a gaggle of guys who provide SOMETHING in your life. And also, that they should be able to shift from what they offer. SOOOO...I thought I should maybe look over my own gaggle (if I even have one!) First, WTF is a gaggle? Go there and find out.

1. The ExWhatever: He may be engaged but until a ring is on his finger I consider him an option. Even though I have contented myself with a really shitty friendship with him (courtesy of his fiance throwing walls up between us). Even if a ring is on his finger, I'll secretly be hoping their marriage fails and I'm there when it crumbles. Currently, he is the measuring stick I use to evaluate all other prospects though I had found someone I thought was an even better prospect, he is currently on my shitlist. I will still make sure I look damn good any time there is a chance the ExWhatever could cross my path (which admittedly since relocating is not often).
2. The Ex: THE Ex, The guy who stole my virginity from me. Lets be honest, no matter how many times I pretend to be over him, he'll always be a prospect I consider going back to. The last time I spoke to him, I ditched him in a bar and never saw him again but I know if I cross his path again, it will be hard to pretend I don't care what he's up to or who he is fucking. Like the ExWhatever, he is a measuring stick for the men in my life- the measuring stick of what not to be!
3. The Gym Crush: currently taking applications for this role (also, if you're any good jacking photos from websites, hit me up. I finally found the original gym crush online and would love for you all to see him). Since I can't go to my gym anymore, I don't see him but I hold out hope I'll unexpectedly bump into his tattooed self. He's not a viable candidate for romance (wife and kid and all that) but for a hookup (I know I'm a horrible person but would you rather me spend my life wondering). He's the motivation in my morning and I sorely need it back.
4. The 70s Throwback: I might care a little too much what people think about this guy to go the distance (at least if I stay in Atlanta) but he's the most intelligent guy I've spoken to in a long time. Once you look past his polyester shirts, afro and awesome 70s porn star stache, he's witty and funny and actually cute in a totally different I love me some hippies (who shower) kind of way. I spend most of my days texting back and forth with him (drunk and sober) and entertaining myself with his humor.
5. The Family Guy: He's in our circle of friends and ideally he is the kind of guy I hope to one day meet and settle down with (no matter how many times I tell you guys I'm not getting married). He's college educated, hard working and successful in his chosen career, loves sports and is very close with his family (who are all also awesome). Currently in his man-whore phase so I'm steering clear. I don't see or talk to him often but if I ever need anything he drops everything for me which is great. He's the first one to notice if something is wrong and ask about it.
6. The Hookup: Currently single (for now) the hookup is a player, player but great in bed. When he calls and I'm busy, it has the power to ruin my night. I find myself trying to find ways to get out of whatever is really important that I am attending to so I can run off and let him pleasure me. Problem at this junction would be that I don't know a whole lot about him. Is he intelligent? Does he have goals? Will he ever settle down? That might be part of the allure. I'd hate to blow it off and miss out on all those things happening with me benefitting from it.
7. The Friend: Who is actually a friend of The Ex (post breakup). Solid job, solid family, solid friends, just all around a solid person. Right now, he's one of my favorite people (our post weekend recap phone calls are absolutely the high light of my Mondays). We've always just been friends so I've never thought about crossing that line but you never know.
8. The IT Guy: The guy at work who handles IT for me (literally the only one I will go to for help) also happens to now be a friend. He has tried to ask me on dates and I always wiggle my way out of it. The weird thing is I cannot see myself dating him (I do not find him sexually attractive) but when he has a girlfriend, I get annoyed by it. Maybe I just want to attention to be centered on me. Or maybe, deep down in a place I refuse to acknowedge I am interested in him (we'll never know since this refusal wall is up and made of steel).
9. The Long Distance Friend: Has a girlfriend. Texts and emails and calls me constantly. When we hang out, people always think he's my boyfriend. But that pesky girlfriend thing is in the way.

Clearly, my gaggle needs to be expanded. What are your thoughts on the gaggle mentality? Is your gaggle in need of improvement?

I LOVE Trader Joe's

So...I've been suuuuuupppperrrrr unhealthy this week (where the FUCK are you motivation?!?!?!). Yesterday after work, I decided I would walk to the library and get my new library card (yes, I am a dork) and then over to Trader Joe's for some grocery shopping. It's really hard to be healthy when you have no food in the house and you wait till your starving to make a food decision. Don't believe me? Here's yesterday's food diary:

• Breakfast: Everything bagel slathered with sundried tomato cream cheese and a diet coke (out of the can, from the vending machine. Best damn thing in the world).
• Lunch: Arby's Turkey Bacon Ranch with curly fries and Sierra Mist (We live in Atlanta, Arbys is based in Atlanta, Coca-Cola is based in Atlanta, and yet Arbys insists on providing its customers with fucking pepsi products. Sorry Pepsi, it ain't my bag).
• Snack: Mini Mint Ice Cream Mouthfuls (purchased at Trader Joes because it said Mouthful. I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy).
• Dinner: Holy Guacamole (a delicious bowl of cheese dip with a glob of guac and salsa and a side of chips), Trailer Park Taco (fired chicken with awesome shit I can't remember in a corn tortilla) and TWO pomegranate margaritas (of which I would have continued drinking BUT they were 8 bucks a pop). Where did this mouth orgy occur? Cantina in Buckhead.

Clearly, I need to stock up on groceries (in my defense dinner was because my BFF Ally came into town and we needed to grab a bite together. Nothing is better than friendship and Mexican my friends). So, onto my love for Trader Joe's. Even when you buy something that's not so great for you (Mini Mouthfuls) you don't feel too bad about it. I have this false sense of health when I walk into that store. Also, I never thought I would say this but the limited options are actually HELPFUL because you don't have a choice to be obscenely unhealthy when you make decisions (ummm 2 containers of Ben and Jerry's what?!!?). Also, its walking distance to my apartment so thats a plus. And the cost cannot be beat- for the low price of $36 I got the following:

1. Trader Joe's reusable bag to carry my goods in (only a buck! and prettier than Kroger, Publix and Walmart).
2. Bananas ($.19 per banana what?!?!?!)
3. Strawberries
4. Turkey
5. Turkey Burgers
6. Pita Bread
7. Hummus
8. Feta Cheese
9. Simpler Times Beer ($3.49 for 6- a pilsner. I'll let you know if its any good)
10. Riesling ($3.99. Two Buck Chuck doesn't make a Riesling. Bastard)
11. Mini Mint Icecream Mouthfuls
12. Spinach
13. Two dark chocolate candy bars (apparently dark chocolate is good for you. Don't judge me. And it was $.49 a pop so I couldn't resist. Total impulse buy)

So, I'm pretty new to the whole organic, healthy, whatever food and Trader Joe's. If you have any recommendations of products I should try, leave them in the comments section. I'll pick them up and give 'em a review for ya!Also, only Courtney gave me songs to run to yesterday :( They were great but I felt unloved!

Thirsty Thursday- Malt Beverage Edition

If it hasn't been made glaringly apparent yet, I like alcohol. A lot.

Also, I like college football. A lot.

Combine the two, and well...I'm a shit show, win or lose.

This past weekend, my friend Kelly and I headed to Athens for the UGA- Arkansas game and decided since our week had been so horrendous, we would get some crazy shit to drink. And now I'm going to share my thoughts with you on said crazy shit. You see, I have some very diverse groups of friends back home at the Jersey Shore and here in Atlanta. I absolutely cannot imagine how anyone of them would compare to the others and what would happen if they all got together but sometimes it is fun to bring an activity that one does to the other and see how it goes (see Get Amongst It). Friday was one of those times.

Joose v Four Loko

Joose is a premium malt beverage with 9-12% alcohol content. The guy in BP looked stunned I was buying it (and also whispered to the other guy as I was walking out "I've never seen a white girl purchase that"). According to its packaging, Joose contains caffeine, taurine, ginseng, and certified colors. Joose is available in 23.5 oz cans and are very classy looking (see picture below for evidence of that). Last year they had to prove they were safe and since they're still selling like hotcakes to people who are not white girls, I'm assuming they either did so or they paid a lot of money to pretend they did so. Flavors for the 12% alcohol include fruit punch, green apple, watermelon, raspberry lemonade and wicked lemon tea. I gotta tell you, the shit definitely helped fuck me up. BUT it tasted like ass (I went for Green Apple). I would not recommend to anyone purchasing it unless you're trying to get dressed up for a not white girl party and look the part.

Four Loko is also a premium malt beverage (hence the comparison). Google the shit- apparently people google it quite a bit in conjunction with the word banned. Methinks it might be dangerous but let me read on before I share that with you. It's an alcoholic energy drink available in the same size cans as Joose and in 8 flavors (grape, fruit punch, orange, watermelon, blue raspberry, lemonade, cranberry and cranberry lemonade). I don't know what the hell is going on at Ohio State University but some awesome shit comes out of that school in regards to drinking so maybe I picked the wrong college. Its name is derived from its four other ingredients, caffeine, taurine, guarana, and wormwood, an active ingredient in absinthe. Also, apparently if you are in Indiana it only has 6% alcohol content (fuck going to those schools!). I tried two of the flavors last weekend and I have to tell you one of them(fruit punch) tasted like the worst kind of cough syrup you could buy. Like maybe expired from Walmart brand. Mixed with a vodka tonic though...christ I am really an alcoholic. The grape flavor tastes like cough syrup as well; however, it is tolerable. So if you like sippin on some syzzurp then this is your thing.

Both made me bounce off the walls and behave in ways only the Jackass crowd would be proud of so I would try this out in the comfort of your own home first. Don't go drinking it in public and then being surprised when you're tossed in the slammer. You have been warned.

Misery

"For example, a 2010 study by Samuele Marcora, an exercise physiologist at England's Bangor University, provides compelling evidence that perception of effort- basically, feeling miserable- is the true cause of fatigue in endurance events, not physiological limitations, as previously believed. Other recent studies have shown that not only does feeling lousy cause fatigue but that athletes' tolerance for suffering is trainable. Thus, increasing our tolerance for suffering should be a primary objective in the pursuit of better performance through training, not a secondary consideration as it is for most runners."

Matt Fitzgerald, Run: The Mind-Body Method of Running by Feel

Well that would explain my seeming inability to run yesterday. After a mile my calves were screaming and I just couldn't focus on anything but that. This is an excerpt from a book I won from Runner Dude. The author selected my question for which I asked about said calves, strangely enough. This was MONTHS ago and I had completely forgotten it. But I was pretty excited to win something as its been a while. Plus, I have actually NEVER read a running book! So I'll probably be hitting you all up with some newfound knowledge as I get going on this:)

In other news, I need some motivation- I thought I found it at the bottom of this pint of ice cream I was completely disgusted with myself for eating (you know you have a problem when you can't decide on a flavor at Kroger so you buy two flavors despite being broke). If any of you have some nuggets of wisdom to get me back in the right direction, I am BEGGING. The problem is, when I fall off the wagon of healthy living...I fall hard and take forever to get back up. By the time I manage to shakily climb to my feet the wagon is 20 miles down the road and I'm tripping as I try to catch up. And I think the first thing I need is a super fantastic playlist so if you've got some great songs that get you going, please tell me!

The Date

As you loyal readers know, The Commercial Banker and I made a bet after a week of shit talking and I lost. So Monday arrived and we decided on some take out and Monday night football. Unfortunately, after an epic Saturday both of us were exhausted and the idea of beer to go with our football was not one we considered.

I think we should have.

It was AWKWARD.

How on earth could we have had so much fun years ago and via text and then have absolutely ZERO chemistry on the date? Everything about it felt forced which bummed me out because considering it was my first date since I was in high school and a virgin, I was pretty excited about it. And I thought a low-key night in would be a good option because it wouldn't feel so pressured.

Boy, was I wrong.

He was friendly and cute enough. But I can't figure if some of his expectations of how I was looking these days were not met or if we were both just exhausted. Sitting on a comfy couch did nothing but make me want to sleep (when normally I'd be contemplating having sex on said couch).

First, can I just say, he has a very cute little house and a dog. The dog actually climbed up on the couch at one point and was sniffing my hair and cuddling with me (which is more than I can say for The Commercial Banker). He did walk out to the car when I pulled up so clearly he'd been watching for me. He looked cute- glasses, plaid button down with the sleeves rolled up, khaki shorts and sneakers (not running or workout shoes, sneakers that he clearly wore a good bit and were like adidas old school shoes or something). Clearly my choice of khaki colored tank top and jeans with platforms was a good one (Judging by his "Hey, look at you. you look great" when I got out of the car). He was super excited about my choice in Meat Lovers pizza and salad (and offered to let me take the leftovers home). So that's the start....

So we sat down and watched True Blood first during which we ended up talking about everything under the sun. We ate our pizza and salad (he had never had a salad from there and approved of my choice) and drank waters. Then we started watching football during which he joked we should make another bet which of course led to sex talk. There was a lot of silence during the tv watching but it wasn't uncomfortable at all. We were both really, ridiculously tired and acknowledged it. We tried to look up Youtube videos from Jon Lajoie but his internet was acting up so I emailed him two of them this morning that I thought he would like.

Umm, homeboy owns Twilight, New Moon and 500 days of summer. So cute. And watches Vampire Diaries. He seemed really impressed with all the things I am interested in which was good but I think it being Monday night (he says he's normally in bed by like 9 on Mondays) and us both being tired kind of sucked. At the end of the football game (a bet I would have lost ps) he walked me out to my car and gave me a hug (but not before he showed me his bedroom? to which I said so this is where the magic happens and he kind of laughed and was like not really). He told me to drive safe and mentioned more than once the next time we hang out so I don't know what that means. He did ask me if I had big plans for the weekend and I said not yet but then he didn't ask if I wanted to hang out so...

Seen on Facebook

Lily has dropped lower, but that's about it. Doctor thinks it will be about a week. In other news- I had my first contraction or Braxton Hix contraction while the Doc was examining me. Yeah- it totally freaked my freak! Lol

Are you fucking kidding me? Oh goody, in a week you'll be telling me about how your little Lily spit up, pooped, cried through the night and generally was a nightmare. Cannot. Fucking. Wait.


When will you new mothers get that we don't care?

Side note- what the fuck is freaking your freak?

Dating Dilemma Part One

I thought since I'm hopping back into the dating saddle (okay not hopping...ummm dipping my pinkie toe into the shallow end of the pool I guess would be a more appropriate analogy) that I would reflect on past dating dilemmas. Maybe mull them over, ask your opinions, etc. Today, what's on my mind? Why, sex of course.

As we all know, I've been a big proponent of dating backwards simply because I've always been drunk/stupid/needy or whatever the case may be. So, clearly, I've had no issue sleeping with someone on or even before the first date. BUT...let's say I was a more traditional sort.

How soon is too soon to start the discussion on your sexual proclivities? For instance, I once went on a date with a guy who asked me if I like anal. On the first date. I was kind of unsure how to answer that one as I've never had someone ask me outright like that. Needless to say, we did not have a second date and I've always wondered if it was because I was unwilling to address my willingness (or unwillingness) to be sexually adventuresome.

In my opinion, if you're doing the traditional dating thing, discussing ones likes or dislikes between the sheets is a little premature on the first date. If you're lips haven't locked with mine I would rather not tell you what goes on when I spread my legs. Hell, you may never have the chance to find out so probably you should work on the whole build up (foreplay if you will) before you decide to get straight to business. Let me tell you, you asking me if I like anal, if I'll give you a blow job or telling me you want to cum in my face is not endearing you to me. And it is definitely not upping your chances of ever finding out first hand what I like. Whether I want those things or not, it shows to me you're not looking for a relationship, you're looking for a sex toy.

On the other hand, maybe you're asking because you're very sexual and you need to know if I am, too. I can see you not wanting to waste your time on someone who would turn their nose up on what brings you pleasure. But again, I just am not sure asking someone that on the first date is really the way to go. And what if I say no to anal because I've never had anyone ask me to do that with them? Then you could be missing out on something because you're thinking if I haven't done it I wouldn't be interested.

What are your thoughts? Have you been asked what your sexual preferences are on the first date? When is the appropriate time to start asking those questions?

You know your life is in shambles when...

You stop at the shell station to pick up joose, four loko and pretzel m&ms.

This night is out of control. Which you would know if you witnessed my 10 minute spell check of one fucking sentence
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Question for You...my fav internet peeps

Question for all of you about an idea being tossed around. I know all of you saw the basket Barbie made me, and if you didn't you can click here, and I was wondering if there was a site specific to work out gift baskets, gift bags, just gifts in general that you could customize and have shipped, would you order them? If so, how much would you be willing to pay for said gift basket? What types of products would you expect on a site like this? Essays can be submitted to my email fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com or short form open-ended responses can be submitted in the comments section. Thanks :)

Quote of the Week

My love for The League and specifically Jon Lajoie knows no bounds(so much so, I dropped 22 bucks on 6 episodes on DVD yesterday at Target). I want to be on that show and It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia which I know I keep talking about but damnit, its my blog and I'll yammer on about it if I want to.

Anyway, EW.com posted an interview with the couple who created this show and right from the kickoff, they come out ready to score:

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Your first season was six episodes, but this season is 13. How did that change your approach? Was the strategy different?
JEFF SCHAFFER: We had more time to prep, which was a great thing. Last year, it felt like we came onto the fall TV schedule like those girls at prom who have a stomach ache and go to the bathroom and have a baby. Last year, we were a total bathroom baby in terms of press and everything. This year, we feel like people actually know we exist, which is great.

I'm sorry, did you just liken your show to a baby that is thrown into the trash or flushed down a fucking toilet while it's Mom goes and fucks its Dad like theres no tomorrow? Oh, you did? Okay, that's cool. Whatever.

From Around the Interwebs

• Looking to enhance your libido? Look no further than a fucking sugar pill. Literally. According to researchers, as long as a woman THINKS she is taking the female viagra pill, she is benefitting from it. I know, it makes no fucking sense to me either. That might be because I'm a goddamn nymphomaniac but whatevs. If you need to know, check out the article here.
• Remember how much I liked The Secret Life of the American Teen? Well, its gotten a little insane recently with the grade whore (and original teen with a secret's neighbor) got knocked up and instead of opting for the expected (and totally truthful) abortion, homegirl is having her baby. Perhaps its not so far off base if recent research is any indication. According to the CDC most sex ed classes are omitting education on birth control. Clearly, its time to harken back to the olden days; married by 15, knocked up by 15 1/2. Thank God I was born in the 80s.
• Want to pay for sex? Don't go trolling Craig's List. Apparently, they have cleaned house. I heard about this on tv but wasn't really listening to it. Something about people bitching about shit? I don't know. You can read about it here if you give a shit. Have a good laugh that trash is moving on.
• You know the beep, the ping that says someone somewhere is communicating with you. You're so connected that hearing that beep pains you if you aren't close enough to check it. Don't worry, friends! You may be digitally dependent but its acceptable to check your blackberry during sex! More socially acceptable than say...checking it during a wedding. I call bullshit because I'd rather your hands be roaming my body than gliding over your fucking full keyboard but whatever gives you an excuse to piss me off and treat me like shit. Can't argue there.
• Ashton Kutcher cheated on Demi Moore? I cannot fathom why. For a number of reasons. First, who the hell would hook up with him at this point. He is batshit crazy. Second, how does he have time to fuck when he's so busy entertaining the masses in 140 characters or less on Twitter. I'm too lazy to think of more but if I had to come up with a reason I could probably come up with two- 1. Demi Moore is like his fucking grandmother or something 2. Fucking her was probably literally like fucking a barbie doll considering she's almost completely made of plastic at this point. So, yeah.
• Who wants to see Easy A? I might have a girl crush on Emma Stone. Also, shit looks funny. Also, I'd like to see the sex scene she filmed while having an asthma attack.
• I don't watch Big Brother but apparently I need to be. John James, house hunk or something, says the following " I think blow jobs are degrading". Hmmm, what makes you think that, sweetie? Is it the girl on her knees? Or the facial expressions you make while she's going down on you? While you're reading his thoughts on blowjobs, be sure to check out how he counts the number of women he's had sex with because it's awesome how he has made himself seem like a gentleman and a minute man all in one.
• Is sex economical? Blow jobs are. Seriously, if my economics teacher had taught in sexual terms I would have gotten an A in that class.

Yo! You talking about me?

Hahaha. It's like the person who wrote this knows me or something.

"Confessionals
You may hate your job; lie on your taxes; or be a recreational user of illicit drugs, but this is no place to confess. Employers commonly peruse social networking sites to determine who to hire — and, sometimes, who to fire. Need proof? In just the past few weeks, an emergency dispatcher was fired in Wisconsin for revealing drug use; a waitress got canned for complaining about customers and the Pittsburgh Pirate's mascot was dumped for bashing the team on Facebook. One study done last year estimated that 8% of companies fired someone for "misuse" of social media."

Thanks Yahoo finance for calling my shit out.

You Know Your Life is In Shambles When...

So I’m naked.

Oh, hello there.

Anyway, I’m naked. I turn the shower on. And I go to get in. As I’m closing the shower curtain, the fucking shower curtain rod comes flying down and my legs go flying up. Like a fucking sitcom. I’m lying there with hot water flowing down, NAKED, tangled up in my fucking shower curtain. And like a sitcom, I can’t get untangled or stand up the first time around. No, I spend a solid five minutes flailing around in the shower with water flying all over the bathroom.

Then comes trying to hang the damn thing back up. It stays up for about 5 minutes and then falls AGAIN while I shaving my legs.

At this point, I think fuck it. No one lives with me, no one is going to walk in on my showering. Finish showering and then mop the floor up.

Now I’m in a robe and go to hang it again. No dice.

You know you’re life is in shambles when shit like this happens*.

*Yes, this is the norm for me.

HAHAHAHA... oh John Lajoie. Me too.

Some of you who used to get banged on the reg by your boo (or bf or hubs or whatever stupid ass name you call him) may have recently noticed it's happening less and less. Oh right, fantasy football is upon us. I have expressed my love for Jon Lajoie in the past but I was perusing the website of his show (The League about...fantasy football) and came across this:
You can see more awesome shit like this right HERE. You are welcome.

And so the waiting begins...

The worst thing about dating in my humble, I-don't-go-on-dates opinion is the waiting. I hate the day (or days) after when you wonder what the fuck is coming next. So much anxiety.

And of course, you end up breaking down the date and analyzing ever word, look or action the other person made to try to determine if their interest in you has waned. In the course of doing this, you decide you are too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too everything they aren't looking for in a girlfriend. Then you start kicking yourself for the outfit you wore, the way you laughed, what you said and wondering what you could have done differently.

Its enough to make a girl wanna be a nun. Speaking of nuns, Oprah had those bitches on TV and I caught the syndicated version over the summer and she did not ask them if they...well, masturbate and imagine God while doing so. I mean, they are married to him for God's sake. Or Jesus. Ohhhh maybe they imagine both, is that cheating? Or maybe I should just go back to dating backwards. At least then I got action.

Anyway, the point is I have now convinced myself The Commercial Banker is not interested in me as anything more than a friend and I am actually really bummed about it.

Never. Dating. Again.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

Things I Would Do if I Had a WEE Bit More Dough

So, I've discussed what I wanted for Christmas 2009 (none of which happened PS), what I would do if I won the lottery (which still hasn't happened...obviously), My Bucket List (none of which I have completed... actually I have no idea), Things that I'm Tired of Hearing About (of which I can add to. Por ejemplo, was it necessary for Kanye and Taylor Swift to sing about that stupid VMA incident a fucking year later? Methinks NO), and shows I would be absolutely AWESOME on (which has not led to me being on said shows. YET). Today, I want to list all the things I would do or buy if I had just a bit more money. Or just a bit less bills. Either way.

1. A dresser. Dude. Seriously. My fucking clothes are stacked up in a fucking pile against the wall. Granted I've divided them out into types (short sleeves shirts, tank tops, jeans, shorts, etc, etc.) but the room looks like a fucking 12 year old boys. Some days I pick things up and sniff them to ensure I'm able to even wear them in public. Yes, I should have been born a guy. I'm also fairly certain you will find me sleeping like so one of these days. Possibly on the side of the street but what the fuck ever.


2. Pole Dancing classes. Yes, I want to be a stripper. One day I want a boy to sing I'm in love with a stripper to me. Oh wait, someone has already done that. Whoops. Anyway, the girl who taught my class in Vegas had a BANGING body. Clearly I want to be her. But less trashy.


3. Attend GA/FL. Stay in a nice house for 4 days. Get hammered. Hang on the beach. Pay Florida to lose (I am only half kidding on that one). Basically enjoy myself without worrying about every last dollar I spend and how many hours of overtime it equals.
   
   
4. Cable TV. Its really shitty watching everything on Hulu (no offense since I'm grateful its around). In fact, I need DVR, HBO and Showtime. And if you don't know why, you don't stop by nearly enough so click here. While I'm at it, a new TV is probably necessary.


5. I would fly home to Jersey, take a weekend to Hilton Head, fly out to California. I would take trips. Vacations are a necessity in life damnit. How else can one get through dead-end jobs?
6. I would have a liquor cabinent in my apartment. Stocked with everything awesome. Wine, beer, bourbon, gin, vodka, rum...all of it. Hmmmm...yummmmm. God just thinking about it makes me thirsty.
7. I'd finally make my doctors appts- dentist, gyno and eye doctor. Yes, I know its horrible to be behind on this. No, I can't afford copays or my deductible. So my teeth are terrible, my hoo ha is empty (omg I half can't belive I just typed that) and my eyes need new contacts STAT.

There is a lot more shit but I'm thinking this needs to be part 1. Part 2 will come later.

What would you do if you had just a little more spare cash?

When It Rains It Pours...

No, I'm not talking about Golden Showers (ummm fucking EWWWWW).

Instead I'm talking about the fact that I was on a date last night with the Commercial Banker and I had 4 phone calls and 5 texts during which two guys proceeded to ask me out.

Talk about AWKWARD.

The Commercial Banker and I have the same damn phone and ringtone, so every time it went off we were both like whose is it. Then when his phone went off he just assumed it was mine. At one point he joked I was going to HAVE to answer it sometime.

Thank GOD I didn't!

The only good thing about it is I'm not remotely interested in either of them. The bad thing is I'm not remotely interested in either of them. I hate telling people no.

Life In Shambles is Depressed

13 days into September and the month already sucks ass. I am depressed after an embarrassing loss to South Carolina by my beloved Dawgs (who admittedly fought hard and showed signs of a great team to come), a fruitless job search, a frustrating ordeal with my company and bombing a Wonderlic test (I am fairly certain even Tim Tebow scored higher). I am in the throes of the quarter life crisis. And I'm clearly late to that as well as the its time to grow the fuck up party.

The job search really has me incredibly stressed out and the current job is not helping that situation. I'm starting to feel a do or die pressure to get the next job but I'm not sure what that job should be. I've had offers of help and some have panned out into things like resume critiques and introductions (and I'm incredibly grateful for each of those- seriously.). But really I have not gotten a step closer to figuring out what is next. Somebody told me to do what I love and the money will follow. Well, when you're in debt and you've got to pay the bills you don't always have that luxury. Sometimes you have to take something shitty just to stay afloat. I'd like to get out of debt but again with my current job situation and the stress and issues they are having with my checks I'm back up to maxed out credit cards again.

And just when I think a light might be at the end of the tunnel...well, it turns out it was a candle and the asshole who got to the end of the tunnel blew it out first.

This job search thing is depressing. Maybe I shouldn't let it get to me but being told I should abandon the professional ranks really rattled me. Add to that the utter ridiculous showing on the wonderlic and the stupid personality test that followed for the most recent interview and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I feel fat, tired, stupid, ugly, unprofessional, lazy and have started questioning every decision I've made since the first time my mother let me pick out my own outift (which coincidentally included every article of clothing I owned. Clearly I have a decision-making problem). I literally am kicking myself while I'm down. In a mental sense.

I know I'm not the only one who is (or has gone) going through this right now but let's be honest, when someone says that to you is it of any comfort? Cause to me, it's not. That does not help me solve my immediate problem. And that saying that misery loves company is only true in the sense that you would prefer not to be jealous of all your friends' awesomeness.

Mini-meltdown complete.

I have a DATE!

Okay...not really. But Kind Of. The closest I've had in a good while anyway.

With who you ask?

Why The Commerical Banker!

Pretty. Pumped.

Obviously.

So, how did it happen? Well, he is an Alabama fan and I am a Georgia fan. We made a bet on the Georgia game this weekend that was for booze. And then Georgia lost.

DAMNIT.

He spent a nice day yesterday buttering me up after my loss with texts like this:

Think of it this way, we will be hanging out either way. It's a win win for me lose or win.

I want to put my arms around you.

Whatever I just want to see you.

Dinner on me. I just want to hang out with you.

Can we watch football and cuddle tomorrow?

Of course we were both hung over as FUCK today so he text me at 4:30 and said we can watch Monday Night Football and eat take out tomorrow. Which is perfect for me. No real pressure. I'm gonna have to do some research on the teams playing haha :)

Have you ever bet your way into a date with someone? How did it end up?

**And yes, we did joke about betting for sex. But I decided thats more of a National Championship game type bet!

I Love Commercials.

Especially E*Trade commercials. Just saw this new one:


Unfortunately, it is no match for my favorite one:

The Case for Milk

AJC is reporting Milk may be better than Gatorade.

Weird. Oh wait, I already thought that :) Especially if it's chocolate!

From the Dating Website Mailbag...

Ummmm.... seriously?!?!?! I almost want to relieve him of his burden (read on to find out what that is) but I also have standards...
Hey Erin Elizabeth,

How was your day?

I am catholic too! I am doing great! How was your week? You seem really fun and sweet! I just got off from work. You are really cute! What do you value most in a relationship? I am very close to my family. I have a big heart and a good body but I am more quiet natured and shy! I think sometimes girls don't care if you have a big heart and a good body! I am still a virgin. I guess it is ok with you that I waited for the righ person? I hope you don't think I will not be good because I don't have experience. I am always honest and I am very open minded! Sex must be wonderful for a girl the first time! Do all girls have a g-spot? I guess most girls my age have already lost their virginity? It is tough waiting so long because I think about it so much! LOL! I love to workout and run! I ran 15 miles yesterday! I have travelled and seen most of the US, some of Canada, and Mexico! I am looking for somebody who can be my best friend and can feel sexually compatible with me and appreciates fitness! Do you think I am sexually compatible for you? I hope I look good enough for you? What are your favorite things to do on the weekend? I am into organic food and I just started my garden this summer at my house. I just bought a 90 year old house in Central Gardens. I love older homes. They have so much character. Do you have any favorite hotspots? I am big into historic preservation, environmental conservation, and I love animals. I used to have a sheltie named Taffy before she got cancer. I miss her so much! I also used to volunteer at the Memphis Humane Shelter when it was close to my house. It was so much fun walking the dogs! I wanted to take them all home. Do you have any dogs or pets? I love to travel and I am very liberal minded. I believe that communication is so important. It is the small ways of showing love that often makes us the happiest. I love to try new things. Trying new things helps you grow closer and be more passionate. I have an older sister who teaches Spanish at St. Mary's Episcopal. I went to Christian Brothers High School and graduated from Christian Brothers University in 2004.What do you like to do for fun? I hope you have a great day! Look forward to hearing from you soon!

If you are a virgin, probably this is not the best picture to post. Just sayin'.

Troublesome Thursday

Today is not going well for a number of reasons all of which involve my job. This is like a Wednesday Wigout but on Thursday and y'all know how I love my alliterations.

The important reason is this:

I work for an hourly wage of $13.50 for a company. Sometimes, they give me overtime but for the most part they don't. However, they will allow me to work extra hours as a contract employee for $12/hr. Would I like overtime? Hell yes. Can I afford to turn down work for $12/hr? Hell no. So I did it. For a total of 629 hours.

Well, they sold the company and we merge in a few months. In the meantime, they cease to allow me to do the extra work. Then approach me last week to tell me that they actually OWE me money for the work I have done.

One would ASSUME that in order for them to owe me money, they must have been doing something illegal. In order to cover their butts, they would need to pay me the difference in what they should have paid me and what they actually paid me. Which was 8. Which puts the total amount owed around $5000.

Then, suddenly, I'm being told they will pay me half time plus a dollar.

NOW, as of today, I SOMEHOW OWE THEM MONEY FOR WORK I DID.

Riddle me how this is even remotely possible? Someone explain it to me because I'm not getting it.

What the Fuck is Up With...

Running on the STREET?

Now, as most of you know, up until I moved ITP (Inside the Perimeter) of ATL (Atlanta), I was running on a treadmill and getting an eyeful of gym crush every morning at 5 am (Oh boy how I miss him so. Seriously. If I could get a new job that paid lots I would drive 30 minutes in the morning to work out just to see a glimpse of him). Anyway, since moving, I have had to move my runs outdoors. And I have noticed an alarming trend. Or maybe just alarming to me.

You tell me.

This morning is really what got me thinking on this though I have noticed it over the last few weeks a number of times and given it a passing thought along my route. You see, this morning, on the other side of a SIX (6) lane road, I spotted a woman dressed in black from the top of her head (hat) to the tips of her toes (shoes) and everything between (tights and tank top). Now aside from the fact that homegirl had a BANGING body, I thought to myself...

It cannot be safe to be running on Peachtree Road in Buckhead at 5 am wearing all black in the street going against traffic. (Sounds like the old line my dad uses "...walked uphill both ways barefoot in the snow in june with my brother on my back carrying my books....")

I know, it's 5 am. I know, traffic is lighter at this time. But can we be serious for a moment? THAT SHIT IS DANGEROUS and I WOULD HATE TO SEE HOMEGIRL GET HIT (though secretly I would think let that be a lesson to you, my friend). There are sidewalks in Atlanta. In fact, I was running on one on the other side of the road so I know they are there to be used.

My question is, why are so many runners out pounding the pavement literally in the street when there are sidewalks? I see this at all hours of the day. Some run with traffic, some against it. But I'm not getting it. Are they trying to replicate what a race feels like by running in the streets they would race on? Is there something wrong with the sidewalks that I'm too dense to notice? Is this what real runners do while pansy runners like myself plod along the sidewalk?

Pick-Up Lines part uno

I just stumbled across a book from Maxim (weird, who knew their subscribers could actually read) in my Dad’s bathroom and I just had to steal it to share with you. Side note: calling it a book is being generous. It’s like 20 pages stapled together with a laminated cover. And it’s from 2000 so you know it’s gonna be good.

Maxim’s Put-downs, Pranks & Pick-Up Lines is actually a bit of a letdown but since I know we’ve all been wondering where the boys out there get their lame-o pickup lines, I thought I should share the answer. The male version of Cosmopolitan magazine (in fact, published by the same publishing company and they share deets back and forth at an alarming rate) is just as misinformed as its female counterpart. Before I share these horrendous pick-up lines, please note the Senior Writer for this gem is a woman.

1. “Can I be your slave on your next day off?”
2. “Aren’t there any child labor laws in this business? What are you, 14?”
3. “You look like the Statue of Liberty holding that tray way up high. Can I call you Liberty? Hell, can I call you?”
4. “Your boyfriend is the luckiest man in the world. But are you happy? Call me.”
5. “I’m Steve. Have you ever dated a Steve?”
6. “If you were a booger I’d pick you first.”
7. Him: “Where you talking to me?” Her: “No.” Him: “Oh. Would you please start?”
8. “This tastes almost as good as you look.”
9. “Hey, we have something in common. I’m rich and you’re beautiful.” (Recommended for guys named Rich).
10. “Does your boyfriend tell you how beautiful you are every day? ‘Cause if he doesn’t, I will!”

Ummm, it should also be noted they asked three bartenders to track pick-up lines used on them in the course of 3 weeks. Clearly some of these are situational. I give Maxim props for recognizing they are so bad but not for tacking on they’re good as an afterthought.

What’s the best pick-up line you’ve ever gotten?

Daily Weighins?

If only the scale told me what to eat.

How often do you weigh yourself?

I ask this because I weigh myself on a daily basis and people are always appalled by this. Reactions vary from “Wow, you’re anal” to ohmygodshehasaneatingdisorderwhoamigoingtotell?

Here’s why I do it I used to weigh 175 lbs at my heaviest. To get there I wasn’t weighing myself at all (clearly) nor was I using my clothing as an indicator of my weight gain. In fact, I just bought new clothes anytime an event came up so I didn’t have to worry about mine no longer fitting. Why wasn’t the size I was buying an indicator? Because like He’s Just Not That Into You I made excuses for my clothes.

Oh the sizes here run small.

Oh it’s the cut of this design.

Oh it’s just because this fabric is so revealing I have to go up a size.

I would go through health kicks that generally lasted a month or two during which I would weigh in once a week and write the weight down.

Then I would bounce right back to 175.

Weighing myself daily holds ME accountable for MY actions. Like keeping a training log, keeping track of my weight allows me to see what works and what doesn’t. It’s a good measure of my life. Weight goes hand in hand not only with what you’re eating but also with how much sleep you’re getting, if you’re exercising and whether you are stressed or not. So, to me, when I get up in the morning and weigh myself I am seeing a true indication of where I am at currently. Before the day has begun and I’ve eaten or worked out or even had time to stress about something, I can see how I’m feeling.

The past two weeks have been stressful and I’ve abandoned my weigh ins. I’m back up to 157 because of it (and the eating and exercise, too). This morning I woke up weighed myself, went on a run, came home and showered and turned on the TV. Dr. Oz was on and he gave 4 tips for easing off 10 lbs. One of which was to weigh in daily! He said you needed to do this so you can pat yourself on the back when you’re doing well and see when you are doing wrong and make the change.

Tell me, what are your thoughts? I know this isn’t for everyone but I’ve found it works for me personally along with how far or how fast I’m running and a number of other metrics. It’s one of the tools I utilize to keep myself on track. Do you weigh yourself at all or use another method to gauge where you are at?

Thoughtful Tuesday

Tuesday feels like Monday. Monday is Monday Musings. So because Tuesday feels like Monday...thoughtful Tuesday shall commence NOW.

• Why is everyone flipping their fucking lids over Boise State beating Virginia Tech? First off, it's the ACC. Which is like the Diet SEC so simmer down folks. Second, it's the first game of the fucking season. Per usual in college football, anything can happen. If it were the night before the decisions were made for the bowls I could understand some freakout. But it's not. We'll get to a what if scenario if and when it happens.
• Still looking for a job. Every insurance company out there seems interested in me selling for them. At least that is what their automated emails tell me. They also seem to be sure I want to do this judging from their assuming I will be at an interview at such and such time on such and such date. Pretty presumptuous if you ask me.
• I am OBSESSED with Todd Grantham. He was FIRE at the game Saturday. He'd rip into the players when something went wrong and fist pump up and down the sidelines when something went right. He is the complete opposite about showing his emotions when compared with say... the stoic Mark Richt.
• Question I LOATHE the most: "How is the job search going?" Okay, why do people ask this? If it was going well, I'd have interviews at least. If it was going great, I'd have a new job already. Otherwise, its going shitty and I'd rather not be reminded of it. Seriously, think about how you would feel if you were at a dead end job that never managed to pay you on time and struggling to find a new job. You'd hate having people ask it and it makes you feel like the biggest LOSER ever. You'll know when the job search is going well when I post I HAVE A NEW FUCKING JOB.
• On that note, I have an interview today. All that bitching for nothing...and now I'm too lazy to delete it. Let that be a lesson to you.
• I was bored last night. And I don't have cable. So I got sucked into Bachelor Pad. There are two couples I was down with and one of them got sent home. That pissed me off. I'll probably watch it again next week just to see who wins. I hate that about myself. Even when something sucks, I end up watching to the end just to see how it all shakes down.
• You know when your parents told you not to open credit cards? Make sure you listen to that. And if you're a parent, show your kids the WHY. Don't just say it. And maybe show them what to look for in a credit card and what it all means before they head off to college and try it out on their own. Because they won't listen. Trust me on this one.
• If you have daughters, teach them to cook. They should not only be able to make pasta and omelets when they graduate. I don't care if they hate it, they should know how to cook so they don't feel incompetent when they are planning bachelorette parties or invited to pot lucks. They also shouldn't set the smoke alarm off every time they cook or light their apartment on fire cooking shrimp.
• References suck. I know from being people's references and from needing to find references. You can't guarantee someone isn't going to say something the person asking is going to like. Essentially, your job prospect is in someone else's hands. And even people who SAY they will give you a good reference won't always. Also, why have all the jobs lately been asking for personal references. I have NO idea who to put down for that.
• My neighbor's cat went on a RAMPAGE last night at 12:30 am. I don't know what he/she was sleeping or sitting on but she hopped right down and then ran from one end of the apartment to the other for a solid 30 minutes. I swear she was running right into the wall. According to the IT guy at work, Jamie, this is pretty normal for cats. Note: if you have a cat, consider a ground level apartment for the sanity of your neighbors.
• I watched GPTV last night. It was about the Kennedys. And I fell asleep to the end of it meaning I had insanely weird dreams. Do I remember them? Of course not. But I woke up thinking I was in Texas so clearly I was at the assassination just prior to wakeup. I have a weird obsession with the Kennedy family that stems back to my childhood. Apparently nicknaming it Camelot really spoke to the girl I once was. I actually have a book from the 60s about him that I used for a report in third grade which I thought was AWESOME.
• I cannot focus on work knowing I have an interview in an hour and a half.
• Cram time. Catch ya laters.

MY Virtual 5K for Boobies Race Report!

So I ran my Virtual 5 K Friday morning at 5 am. I wore my bright pink shorts and light pink tank top (you know, because pink is the color of breast cancer awareness). The weather was BEAUTIFUL. Nice and cool out, light breeze which was helpful during the first part but the second part it was pushing back at me. I chose an easy out and back route from my apt to the mall which had some small, small, small inclines. Things about this run:

• Ihop was hopping- people latenighting in the parking lot at 5 am while I was out running. Clearly Thursday night had some parties that were raging! They all looked at me like I had 10 heads. If I were that drunk and saw some homegirl huffing up and down Peachtree I'd be thinking she was crazy too.
• Ran through an unexpected puddle. Okay, expected because it was in front of the church which had sprinklers going. Unexpected because it was DEEP. So my right leg was covered in water for most of the run. The shoe squeaking might have been more annoying than the moisture.
• Had an old man on a bench yell out hey gorgeous not once but twice. And the guy stank to high heaven. You could smell him a block before you saw him. On my way back, I thought he had left the bench but then I smelled him and realized I had gotten excited before I'd reached the bench he was on.
• Time was 29:40. Not my best time but considering I haven't raced since the first week of August, I thought it went pretty well!
• While on the run, I decided since we had so few contestants I was going to change everything up. So if you donated, be sure to send me your address (even if you didn't run) so I can get each of you a little sumpin sumpin. If you did run, don't forget to email your race reports to fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com!

While everyone else is gearing up for college football...

Broke ass life in shambles is attempting to get her apt in order! Slow and steady...

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Five Things Friday

This won't be a normal thing. I'm just doing it because...well, because I want to use bullets damnit. The end.

• Stress is making me want to eat my feelings. This does not bode well for the 100 day challenge (which I haven't updated in a week so I will do that today).
• I've been doing well on my workouts this week. This morning I ran my Virtual 5k For Boobies. Did you do yours yet?!?!
• My mom is getting me a Garmin for Christmas. I can finally be a REAL runner. I'm gonna be so damn confused.
• I love Trader Joes. I walked there from my apt last night and spent 13 bucks on two bottles of wine, hummus, pita chips, and flaxseed chips. I briefly considered dark chocolate as well but I reined myself in. And I said I had no self control!
• I am running the first run with Team Challenge this Saturday! I'm not fundraising this time but I thought I would use them for motivation AND maybe show them some moral support. And love as I just covered them for my Charity Writing!

What are 5 things you are feeling good/bad/indifferent about?!?!

My Dreams Could Come True...

When I was a wee young lass, I had dreams of being a professional athlete. This was probably due to the fact that my father decided to bestow upon me the title of "favorite son" after my brother demonstrated a propensity for falling flat on his face any time he attempted to put one foot in front of the other (resulting in 4 "dead" front teeth in case you were wondering). From that point on, Daddy and I spent Sundays watching football where I would pick teams from the comfiest spot in the house- his lap- while eating potato chips and drinking soda (in Jersey everything is not COKE). This was often followed by WWF (I had stretch Hulk) and in the offseason NASCAR. On my 10th birthday, I got my first Starter Jacket which I wore ALL. THE. TIME.

Until I was 13 I figured I would be the first female to play in the NFL. And not as a kicker. QB sure. RB why not? WR DEFINITELY.

And then suddenly, in 8th grade the guys in my class GREW. And I mean GREW. From when I was ten until present day I have been 5'6" and up until that point I was the second tallest person in my grade (the first being Kurt. Clearly my crush since he was the only one taller than me). My fantasies of scoring a TD for the Giants were crushed.

But now, part of my dream can come alive thanks to Miller Lite. How's that you ask? They are offering a chance to be a falcon for a day. And all you have to do is text them. Follow the link for the directions on who to text what.

And if you win, take me with you!