I hope this letter finds you well. Christmas (as you know) is fast approaching and while I have given my mom a list of things I would like I believe it's time I take it straight to Santa's lap. Unfortunately, those mall minions cannot seem to get it right. Whatever.
Anyway, you probably think it is pretty ballsy of me to write you a letter with requests after the year I have had but...well, I deserve something that I actually want. I really think you need to rethink this lump of coal approach to naughty. Because I enjoy being naughty and I should be rewarded for it. And my list isn't out of the realm of possibility because you're Santa and you make shit happen. If you could tell me how to go about making shit happen, I'd happily do it myself. But since you won't...MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
- My own liquor cabinet. Patron, Southern Comfort, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels...you know the great stuff. I want it in my kitchen Christmas morn- none of this egg nog bullshit.
- Hot sex on a stick. No, I do not mean a vibrator though maybe I do. Damnit- this is 2 & 3. I want a vibrator AND a hot guy to have sex with. Meaningless hot sex.
- A legitimate career. One I enjoy. And make a salary. And travel. Yeah, I think that's it.
- Liposuction. EVERYWHERE.
- A personal trainer to keep my ass in line.
- Cute clothes
- A boyfriend....maybe make that happen in the summer. I think that would be good timing, date a year, married by 28 or 29. Perfecto
So, yeah I think that's about it. Nothing too difficult so hop on it. I will misbehave until I get what I want. Just so you know.
Love,
Life in Shambles
PS. I'm still drunk from last night.
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