Thirsty Thursday

Drunk.

At work.

Hour late.

Hopefully in 2011 I'll still be employed.

This counts as a Thirsty Thursday post right? I mean I showed up to work late still drunk from the night before. And I fell down last night- evidence being the fucking scrap on my hand that hurts like a bitch!

Dance Party

Last night I got home from work and a shopping trip (nightmare with a silver lining as I found a dress for NYE that I like...not love but like) and I just was not feeling like running. It was cold, it was dark and I was hungry. After making some dinner and watching an episode of Running Wilde (terrible show but I can't stop watching it because I love Will Arnett that much), I put on some workout clothes and then lifted some weights. I needed some cardio so I turned the lights off and had a little dance party.

Why did I turn the lights off?

Well, my dad hasn't hung the curtains in my living room yet and I live next to a record producer. I would really hate for him to see my shadow attempting to be a video HOfessional so this way he couldn't see my white girl moves. It was a nice little break from running and riding the bike and I alternated between dancing for a song and lifting weights for a song. In essence I combined my old Group Power class with my old Zumba class.

And now you are wondering why I am bring this up....well, there is a giveaway for an iTunes giftcard and I want it. Because I need dance tunes (The Situation's The Situation is getting old but still fun). SO I get a point for bringing it to you. Go read the blog and become a follower and maybe you will win. And maybe you will be nice and pay it forward...to me.

Hump Day Hotties

Brrrrr..... I am freezing and I need someone to warm me up. Thank God it's Wednesday and I'm bringing you a Hump Day Hottie to get you through the chill of the day. Today's gentleman is just that. I have secretly crushed on this guy for some time. Unfortunately, a friend dated him so that kind of puts the kibosh on any attempts at dating (or even fucking him). We did, however, spend a night in a bed talking one time. I'm just as confused as you are. Anyway, Eric isn't on facebook but his friends are and I even went so far as to find him on his company website to bring you a shirtless photo. Who loves you?

Eric I don't normally go for blonds but damn, I'd fake drown just to get your lips on mine. Therefore, I'm giving you a 9 out of possible 10. Ladies, what's the verdict?

I Feel the Need for Speed

And not the kind of speed my boyfriend, Jon Lajoie was singing about peeps.

I'm talking about the movie with Keanu Reeves who 98% of the time I would say is ugly as shit but something about this movie just does it for me. Oh man, I'd like to be driving that bus and get to fuck him at the end of the day. Might be the biceps, the grime that shows he's been working his ass off all day and the shaved head.

Might even be that sexy white t and cargo pants. Or the swat outfit....yum.

For your viewing pleasure:

Cancer Fighting Foods

Yahoo today has a story about cancer fighting foods. You can click the link for the full sha bang but here is the list:

1. Broccoli
2. Berries
3. Garlic
4. Walnuts
5. Beans
6. Tomatoes

Okay, this is ridiculous. I'm just going to assume I'm getting cancer because the ONLY thing I like on this list is the fucking Tomatoes. What the hell is wrong with me? How does one train oneself to like things that taste like crap but are good for you? Is there a way to kill my tastebuds faster? Also, could the McDonald's in front of my apartment please close?

Hurray Match.Com!

I love when Match.com combines its powers with Yahoo.com and brings us dating advice. My favorite part is how fucking OBVIOUS their advice is. But it's not like watching Dr. Phil and laughing as he says over and over (in nicer words) YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT- YOU KNOW THIS. Instead, they act like everything they are telling you is BREAKING news. Hey, guess what? It's not. Maybe we aren't doing it, but trust us we know it.

Take today's article: 5 Secrets to making him love you

Before I show you the 5 reasons (unless you already clicked the link) can we focus on the word SECRETS? What does that word mean? For those of you that don't know, I googled it for you:

• not open or public; kept private or not revealed; "a secret formula"; "secret ingredients"; "secret talks"
• clandestine: conducted with or marked by hidden aims or methods; "clandestine intelligence operations"; "cloak-and-dagger activities behind enemy lines"; "hole-and-corner intrigue"; "secret missions"; "a secret agent"; "secret sales of arms"; "surreptitious mobilization of troops"; "an ...
• communicated covertly; "their secret signal was a wink"; "secret messages"
• not expressed; "secret (or private) thoughts"
• hidden: designed to elude detection; "a hidden room or place of concealment such as a priest hole"; "a secret passage"; "the secret compartment in the desk"
• privy: hidden from general view or use; "a privy place to rest and think"; "a secluded romantic spot"; "a secret garden"
• confidential: (of information) given in confidence or in secret; "this arrangement must be kept confidential"; "their secret communications"
• something that should remain hidden from others (especially information that is not to be passed on); "the combination to the safe was a secret"; "he tried to keep his drinking a secret"
• indulging only covertly; "a secret alcoholic"
• information known only to a special group; "the secret of Cajun cooking"
• mysterious: having an import not apparent to the senses nor obvious to the intelligence; beyond ordinary understanding; "mysterious symbols"; "the mystical style of Blake"; "occult lore"; "the secret learning of the ancients"
• mystery: something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained; "how it got out is a mystery"; "it remains one of nature's secrets"
• the next to highest level of official classification for documents

Anyway, since I already explained that these ideas they are sharing are fucking obvious then they cannot be a secret now can they? Also, the title implies that by using these secrets you can get ANY guy to fall in love with you. If that were the case, I'd have a bundle of beaus off the first fucking secret they reveal. FAIL Match.com, FAIL.

So what are these secrets?

1. Share an activity. Really? Should we do things we both like? He likes? I like? Should we do these things together or apart. Oh gee, Match.com give me more!
2. Cheer him on. Does this have anything to do with that fantasy guys have about giving it to the head cheerleader? Don't worry boys, I still have my cheerleading uniform.
3. Let him be himself. Damnit, I want to change him! Why can't he be the guy I want him to be?
4. Tell him what you think. Ummm I don't know if he actually does want that. Or if the rules allow it.
5. Give him his space. So you're saying that putting my tampons in his bathroom the day we first hooked up was a bad idea? Guess I shouldn't have notified my apartment I wouldn't be renewing my lease either...

And there you have it people. Match.com's secrets for making a man fall in love with you. Now go get 'em tigress!

A Christmas Surprise

Hope everyone had a grand Christmas full of ass. Mine was sadly missing ass. However, someone in my family got laid so I guess it's okay!

On Thursday night, I was set to drive 45 minutes home to my parents and spend a few days hanging with my bro when I got the following BBM:

Hey is there any way you could wait until tomorrow to come over? I was gonna try and get some alone time with Ashley before she leave for Boston.

Interesting. So I responded:

Uhhhh haha do we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees?

He took the high road and ignored me.

I got home the next day and he was at work. After a few glasses of wine (yes, I drink alone), I got bored and decided to wander the house. I noticed as I walked past my brother's room, that his trash can was empty. He's lived back at home since July and I have never been to the house when it hasn't been overflowing with shit. Thirty minutes later, I thought to myself that his trash was probably in the can outside (pathetic, right) so I headed out and had a peek. There was one bag of trash but it was the kitchen trash. Smart kid that he is, he threw his trash in the kitchen trash and then threw it out.

Another 30 minutes and I discovered this in his room:

My little brother, the 24 year old virgin, HAS CONDOMS. The kind of condoms that indicate he was nervous about his performance. And the dumb fuck put them in the drawer of the nightstand in the guest room he sleeps in. He didn't even try to hide them! They were right there on top.

My brother is not a virgin anymore. I can't decide if I should be disgusted or proud!

From the Dating Site Mailbag

I decided to stop through and show you some love with a piece of my genuiness. Maybe you should try sending a piece of your genuiness back. I think we should get aquainted, only if you like the thought.

Can someone, ANYONE, please tell me what GENUINESS is? And, also, where in this fucking message is it? Dear LEO_Aruba, here's your genuiness, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. I know you had to steal someone else's cajones to even get up the nerve to write me that message but next time how bout you not half ass it cause I haven't gotten a clue as to what you are throwing at me.

However, since I'm feeling generous and you did make some form of effort...I would like to thank you for not assuming I want to get to know you. In case you don't get it...NO, I do not want to get aquainted (which you misspelled).

Just in time for the Holidays... Berryfine's Christmas Links

Why write about my own sex life when other people have so nicely written about their thoughts on the matter for me?

• Askmen.com has compiled a list of Christmas positions for you. Because Christmas sex should be special, ya'll. Just like each and every one of you. I'm officially looking for a guy to try out the stocking stuffer with me. ASAP. Inquire within.
• Also in on the game? Astrology.com with their 12 days of Christmas sex. According to it...I AM THE MASTER. I have got to get a whip. Dear Santa...
• If your Christmas sex life is less than stellar, let the boys and gals at funnyordie.com inject some humor into your melancholy. The two chicks "shopping" for candy canes for Jesus are my personal fav.
• If you're one of those chicks who's getting holiday sex courtesy your year-round BF, check out these tips for holiday-proofing your relationship. Cause the holidays are tough on everyone, you know. Sidenote: why do I get such a fucking kick out of FOX NEWS discussing sexual and relational topics?
• If you're a last minute shopper, some dude at about.com has got some gifts to snag some holiday spirit. I wouldn't fuck the dude but I wouldn't mind a few of the surprises in his slideshow.
• Glamour has you covered in the blow his stocking off the chimney department. And if you didn't catch my sarcasm let me help you not waste your time clicking over to them: they just want you to stop your holiday wrapping of presents and hit the hay together (no joke...hit. the. hay.)
• Does the idea of Christmas turn off your sex drive? Sexologist Carol Queen isn't surprised- she has some tips for you to turn yourself back on.
• My new bff, Jess over at WTF is Up with My Love Life?!?! has a few tips on dealing with the awkward family questions about your love life. Or lack thereof. Whatever.

Don't worry, my intention is to get really fucked up and, well, PLOWED if you catch my drift. I'll be sure to try to remember the deets to share with you.

Hump Day Hotties

I'm on a bit of a life guard kick recently (mayhaps because it's so damn cold in the winter and I need a beach and a stud muffin?). Anyway, today's Hump Day Hottie is a little dim but hot nonetheless. Plus he spends HOURS doing crunches and push ups in order to maintain his body for the ladies. I can't not share him with you. However, if he walked up and said I'm going to fuck one of the two of you, I'd promptly knock you the fuck out andhave my way with him. Just a heads up. And say hello to David.

Dave, I give you an 8. Mainly because I know you have a hot body but you blocked all the damn shirtless pictures of you. You are killing me smalls. Trust me, he spends a lot of time on that body and I'd like to help him out with that but so far he has not offered to let me. Tell me what you think and don't forget to nominate your own Hump Day Hotties at mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com!

I need a hat...

It occurred to me while I was on my run this morning that I desperately need a hat. The burn in my ears that fades to complete numbness only to return to burn upon entering the warmth of my apartment is not something I will miss. It needs to be remedied immediately except for one tiny hiccup in said remedy.

I haven't a CLUE what kind of headgear to purchase. Generally hats make my head itch. Add sweat into the mix and I spend a majority of the run scratching. But a hat is necessary as the rumor I've been hearing since I ran track in high school is that much of our warmth escapes through our heads and hands. Gee...I cannot for the life of me imagine why. Oh wait, I'm covered everywhere else.

So I'm looking to you bloggy world. I need suggestions- include why you like the headgear, cost and where I can get it. Leave it in the comments section. Mainly because I need some validation that someone besides Fruitfly and Barbie and Kristin are reading the blog.

Also, I am assuming none of you read unless it is blogs since not a single person has entered to win the book Real Fitness Real Nutrition. First off, for shame. Reading books is very important. Second, is it too complicated because I'm making you EMAIL me instead of commenting? Okay then, you may leave comments on why you should win the book below along with your suggestions for head coverings. One person will win the book for the most creative, funny or bring the readers to tears comment. Another person will win a yet to be announced prize for the winning suggestion of which headgear I should purchase.

In effect, I am BRIBING you to put comments on my blog so I feel your love. Tis the season so hop on it.

A Whatever...in Puerto Rico

From Urban Dictionary.com:

Jevo

Puerto Rican Slang for "boyfriend". Jevos can also be considered some guy you're going out with but nothing official, a friends with benefits, or a fuck buddy. Depends on the situation and the person really as everyone has their own life style. Jevos are also boyfriends of whom you know you won't be with for a long time, aka a friend with benefits. Girl 1: "Oye nena, quien es ese?" (Hey gurl, who is that?) Girl 2: "Ah, es mi jevo" (Ah, he's my jevo) jeva novio jevio jevia jevo

Just bringing you the slang you need to take your hot ass international. You can thank me later.

Seen on BBM

"Will you visit me in Pitt?"

Seems innocent enough, right?

Except for that whole, a guy sent this to a girl he has been "talking" to for ohhhhh like a month thing. Hey crazy, take that train straight up to Pitt one way.

No, this did not come to me but I've been thinking about it since I saw it on a friend's BBM. I just cannot get over the fact that some guy sent this to a girl. And before you get all "He is such a sweet, nice guy. This is what we mean by nice guys never get the girl. You girls are such bitches" bullshit think about the fact that there is a definite difference between NICE and straight up stage 5 clinger which this is looking to be. Also, forget the fact that he wouldn't be moving to Pitt tomorrow as he doesn't even have a clue if when his company is bought as it supposedly should be that he would be relocated.

In my humble, misguided opinion this would be a totally different ballgame had they been dating for a few months. Or even if they were just friends. But they are currently residing in that limbo whatever period. They talk all the time, they've gone on one date that she wasn't even aware was a date until she was on it and realized not only had he made a reservation but he intended to pay....she's even drunkenly tried to have sex with him only to be shot down because he doesn't want her to be drunk the first time they have intercourse. NO DTR DISCUSSION HAS OCCURRED.

I know I sound like a bitch but dude grow a pair of balls. I'm not asking him to stop opening doors or complimenting her for not only her looks but also her charm, sense of humor and intelligence. Instead, I'm asking him to make a move in a direction. To wait and see if that will even happen and then discuss it. Even if the comment was intended as a joke, the delivery method was poor. He just looks like a whiny bitch in my book.

Of course, I'd love to hear the argument that opposes mine. Or the bitch-ass moments you've witnessed. Leave them in the comments!

Christmas Came Early

A big Merry Fake Christmas from me to you!

My family and I celebrated "fake" Christmas yesterday (though with real presents and a real tree) because my mom, step-dad and little sister are heading north to New Jersey for the holiday. My brother and I will be left behind to attempt to make our own holiday tradition. Lest you feel sorry for me, my family is heading north to have a last Christmas with my grandmother (a repeat of last Christmas as everyone was convinced this was it). It's going to be tense and awkward and fraught with gossiping family that does nothing but fight in an effort to pretend they aren't devastated about my grandmother. So, really, when you put it in that perspective, my brother and I are the winners here. And just so you don't thin

k I really am a hugely crass asshole (which I am but not for this reason), I have already flown up there three times this year to spend time with my grandmother.

Now that you all are very saddened by the turn of events....let me reveal my Christmas present. Not my favorite one. My....third favorite one:

I got a Garmin! Whooo!

You are probably wondering why this is not my favorite gift? Well my mom had a blanket made out of a bunch of UGA shirts (some were mine from college and others belonged to various members of my family who will now have to buy new shirts for next football season). My second favorite was a UGA watch my brother bought me. I know, I might have a problem.

What I Will ALWAYS Order at Moe's

So, the other night shit got icy here. People went crazy. Stopped at stores and stocked up like it was the beginning of the next ice age or something. I, on the other hand, decided I wanted to order a pizza. Because nothing says I'm a bitch like being sent home from work early for icy conditions and then making some poor schmuck drive over with a large pepperoni and jalapeño pizza for just you.

But then Barbie started talking about cheese dip and I decided to brave the brutal drop in temperatures, fine mist and crazy, hidden ice patches for some Moe's. Not exactly fine Mexican but no way in hell was I driving with these batshit crazy ATLANTANS who shit themselves if it rains and suddenly "misremember" all rules of driving.

Ten minutes and two huge falls on patches of ice later (one of which almost resulted in me being run over after falling and sliding over the ice into the damn street) I came home with this bad boy:

Now compare that with the NORMAL version of the same thing:

Yeah, I got the Junior Size of the Joey Bag of Donuts (sans beans, I wasn't feeling them that night). Here's how it ranks nutritionally:

Calories: 365

Total Fat: 15 g

Saturated Fat: 6 g

Carbohydrates: 42 g

Protein: 17 g

Now, it's not the healthiest thing EVER but it is WAYYYYY better than most everything else on the menu. Plus, if you're like me, the full size is too big but you eat it all anyway because it tastes delicious. This way, once you're done....well, you are DONE.

WIG OUT WEDNESDAY-Smoke Detectors

This video does not even do my pain justice.

But it does convey what I would like to do to the fucking smoke alarm in the parking bay below my apartment.

I moved into a new apartment in August.

Three weeks in, the fire alarm (smoke detector, what the fuck ever) below my apartment starts chirping. I figure since the maintenance man is in the complex every day, he'd hear it and fix it. BIG MISTAKE. The weekend rolls around two days later and the thing is still chirping. The intervals between each chirp getting smaller and smaller. On Monday, I call the maintenance number and report it. The woman doesn't seem to understand and keeps insisting they need to get into my apartment. Ummm no, no you do not. Because it is in the PARKING BAY. Ten minutes later I have a reference number.

Three days later, they finally fix it.

Fast forward three weeks (getting the pattern yet?). I hear the unmistakable chirp of a smoke detector. Figuring it must be the one next to my apartment, I again call it in. Three days later, it stops.

Three more weeks go by. I'm woken at 2 am by the damn chirping.

This has happened every three weeks since I moved into my place. I have called the maintenance number, reported it to the guy who leased the apartment and used their website. Yesterday it started up again. I logged onto the website and told them to fix the thing NOW. Then I called the leasing office at 9:30 am. Left a message. Again at 2 pm. Left a message. I never heard anything from them.

I'm sorry but having to report this no less than 7 times now, I think I warrant some kind of explanation. And when someone calls into your corporate office who pays their rent on time and doesn't cause problems in the complex they deserve a same day call back. I swear if I don't hear something in the next 12 hours, I will report them to every entity I can think of and I'll show up there and flip my goddamn shit so bad they'll wish they had a video camera so they could youtube that shit.

Hump Day Hotties

Hello Hump Day Hotties! God, Wednesday is getting to be my favorite day. The only thing that could make this better was if someone paid me to troll facebook for these guys. Oh, wait, if I got to bang any of them....that would be good as well.Today's Hump Day Hottie is another Jersey boy and one I actually know. He's freaking smart as hell and extremely talented. Total surfer and life guard. And I almost just imported his whole damn facebook profile so you could see what a great personality he has to go with those stellar good looks. Alas, I stopped myself. Check out Dave and let me know what you think!

I'm giving Dave an 8.5 out of possible 10. I like the personality, the unkempt hair, the cool without really trying and the glimpse of ass I'm seeing in those Boxer briefs. Let me know what your thoughts are and don't forget to nominate your own Hump Day Hotties at mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com!

I have a Goal

In the next 5 weeks, I will lose a minimum of 10 lbs. Here is the plan for this week:

Monday: 1 hour of cardio

Tuesday: 20 minutes of cardio, 20-30 minutes of weights

Wednesday: 1 hour of cardio

Thursday: 20 minutes of cardio, 20- 30 minutes of weights

Friday: 1 hour of cardio

Saturday: 20 minutes of weight, running, kickball

Sunday: pilates, walk

Food goal of the week: Incorporate more veggies starting with CARROTS. I realized today I really DO NOT LIKE THEM....at all. Unless you cover them in ranch dressing which really kind of defeats the point. What is the point, you ask? Possible benefits of carrots are to lower your risk for cancer, lower your cholesterol, prevent constipation, good for the general health (vision, skin and nervous systems). I threw them on a salad today. It hid them...kind of. Enough for me to force them down anyway.

Don't forget to email me at fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com in order to enter to win Real Fitness Real Nutrition!

From the Dating Site Mailbag

...Hi pretty flower,How are you?,I'm Henry Carlos,I like your your angel face,How is going your weekend so far princess?....

SERIOUSLY?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF MESSAGE IS THIS?

Well, Carlos... I'm a little confused because I'm not sure if I'm a pretty flower, an angel face or a princess. I really thought only my parents knew about my multiple personalities and I find it disconcerting that you discovered it without ever having spoken to me.

Men really are dumb as rocks.

And Remember: No one has ever drowned in their own sweat

I am pretty excited to be doing the review I am about to do for a number of reasons:

1. I don't do enough reviews

2. I happen to know the author and it gives me an enormous amount of pleasure to see what he's done with this book

3. I have a reviewed sense of motivation just in time for the holidays

Today I sat down and read Real Fitness Real Nutrition by fit2dmax founder Maxim Nazaire, CSCS. I know Max from Team Challenge as the past two sessions he has been one of the coaches. He is incredibly motivational, positive, energetic and intelligent. It makes for a great combination and one that I think really shines through in his book.

"Hollywood Results with a Brooklyn Approach"

I think Brooklyn and I think of someone who has lived life. They've been thrown more than a few curveballs- made some great decisions as well as some terrible ones. No matter what they have faith and they work hard. The Hollywood side of it seems to be quick results. Fabulous results. Put the two together and you have a hell of result.

The thing that struck me about the book is it is a quick read. Too many times, books about getting healthy are laden with shit I quite frankly don't understand or give a damn about. I want to open this book and get a basic understanding of my health and an easy to follow approach to wellness. Maxim delivers in 146 pages without insulting your intelligence or making you feel like you need to google every other word to understand what he is saying. And many times with longer books, by the time you're done (if you even finish it) you've forgotten half of what you read. You'll read this and want to start making changes immediately!

It is a no nonsense approach that tells you what you need to know. It is a book that equips you with the knowledge you need with a dose of reality and a healthy serving of encouragement. He's not going to coddle you; nor, will he beat you down. Instead he'll give it to you straight. Then after he's told you like it is...well, the ball is in your court.

The best part of this book (aside from the awesome workouts included as well as diagrams in the back and resources to hit up when you need it) is that it's a journey to wellness. Not just physical wellness. A lot of the ideas in the book can and should be applied to every day life. It is a true testament to positive thinking and hard work.

So, in honor of the upcoming new year I'm giving away a copy of Real Fitness Real Nutrition to one lucky reader! The entries are simple: email me at fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com with the reasons why this book should be yours. Make sure they're well thought out because I'm going to post them on the blog and let the readers help me decide who wants/needs it most! Entries can be turned in through December 25th at midnight. On December 26th I'll reveal the winner. Make sure you include your address in the email so I can ship the book to you before the start of the new year and a new you!

Happy Day of Birth

I want to wish a very warm

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to PENIS NANO!

When you're blowing out the candles this year, know that the wish of women the world over has been granted now that you've settled down and will no longer make us feel as though we have big vaginas as you thrust your lipstick dick in and out without our knowledge.

Golden Showers

Tonight, I went to dinner with a member of my gaggle and some of his buddies from work. He was in town for a short layover and they work for a national company and used to be a part of his rotation. After he left for the airport, shit got STRANGE. His buddy started telling this story of which I will summarize:

G got fucked up and came home with his girlfriend, K. They went to bed in their bedroom but work up in the guest bedroom. He was naked. They talked for a few minutes and then he went to the bathroom and noticed a puddle on the floor. Thinking they had a leak in the sink, he opened the cabinet and realized it was actually pee on the floor. He comes back to the bed and tells K about the piss. Eventually they determine that they are in the guest room because the sheets are in the wash. Someone pissed the bed. That someone was him. THIS TIME. As in until she walked through the apt and stumbled across his wet underwear she THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE A CHANCE IT WAS HER. In fact, after he confessed she admitted that she knew the whole time why they switched rooms because she woke them up and put the sheets in the dryer. She just wasn't sure whose fault this debacle was.

Which led to G telling us the story with "it happens with the one you love." Which led to me thinking about Golden Showers and this video:

I've never had someone wet the bed WITH ME IN IT. However, I have had a boyfriend, The First, piss all over my freshly washed clothes. At 4 am. It was a fucking nightmare. One of my friends has had a guy piss the bed- she woke up to him telling her they needed to move to another location for the duration of the night. Another friend told me her boyfriend pissed all over her brand new stereo system and tv.

I HAVE NEVER PISSED THE BED.

I HAVE NEVER PISSED IN A ROOM THAT WASN'T A BATHROOM (outside a bar or in the woods does not count).

What the hell is wrong with men that this occurs? And of course, this has made me think that I would like to hear your most FUCKED UP piss- related stories involving a hook up. Email them over to mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com. You have until 12/20/2010 at midnight to submit stories. I will post them on the site, we can vote and the winner will get a cool prize I have yet to determine. Boom. Time to make this site more fun. Who doesn't love winning shit?

Weekend Only Running Until January

I have decided to focus on biking and the elliptical for my cardio and factor in 30 minute weight sessions a few times a week through the end of the year. Why?

1. I need to tone the fuck up. Even though I've lost weight (and gained some back) I still look fat in pictures because I'm SOFT. I don't want to be soft. I don't want to be hard but I don't want to feel like the pillsbury dough boy either(there's a dirty joke in here somewhere).
2. Apparently, you burn more fat when you life weights.
3. I need a break before I start training for the Ragnar Relay.

I was hoping for a much longer list but whatever. There it is. I think just doing 30-45 minutes a day is what I can fit in with the holidays. Also, it's fucking WINDY here in the am. Cold, I can deal with. Wind and cold? Not so much. So weekends will have a few runs on the weekends of 3-4 miles and leave it at that. What are your holiday workout plans? I think holidays are the worst for workouts between all the dinners and time you're squeezing in with friends and family. If only those were considered workouts.

This is How I Get Shit Done....

Aka don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with my drunkeness. Don't fuck with my sleep. The wrath of Berryfine will result in a mean email. See below:

BLACK FRIDAY AT 3AM
Let's kick this b*tch off with limited tickets available for .99 cents. Now that's a F#*<#$*> bargain!

So reads your email however, I've been checking since just before 3 am only to get a sold out message (which my friend claims she has been getting since 1 am). I'd like to know what happened as I set an alarm for 3 am SIMPLY TO GET UP AND GET TICKETS THAT WERE CLEARLY NEVER AVAILABLE. I would like an explanation as well as a $.99 ticket. The error message has read:

PURCHASE TICKETS NOW! 99 cent tickets are sold out SUCKA! However, cheap a** tickets will be on sale at 9AM tomorrow. Get you some!

I personally feel kind of screwed over since I could have slept through this whole thing and instead got up for tickets that did not exist. I don't know if you meant Midnight but both your blog and the email you sent out read Friday at 3 am (which would be roughly 5 minutes ago). please let me know if there is any way for myself and my friend (akgfwgeifube@gmail.com) to get tickets for the price mentioned in the email (even if only 50 tickets were available the sold out message started popping up prior to 3 am which means you were offering them before the actual time which is misleading).

Thanks,

Berryfine

Hi Berryfine,

Wow, that's a loud email. We're gonna get through this...Xorbia (our ticket company) unfortunately made a mistake and issued the tickets at midnight and not 3am. However, just about everyone who purchased tix tried to be sneaky & purchase more than one. That being said, there are a few $.99 tix left & I'd be happy to get you one of these. Please use this one time code "loudemail" at checkout and you will receive a .99 ticket. Please email me if you have any problems.

Thanks!

Jennifer

Jennifer,

Sorry- in my defense I may have been slightly intoxicated after pounding booze for three hours because my Thanksgiving was booze free since my dad's return from rehab coincided with the holiday. Lesson learned: bars in Gwinnett close at midnight on the holiday. Thanks for taking care of it so quickly and I guess soberly, looking back on it, that seems like the logical and reasonable explanation that my mind would have determined had I been sober. Looking forward to the party.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend,

Berryfine

Hump Day Hotties

Welcome to the second edition of Hump Day Hotties, a post where I stalk pictures on facebook and bring you attractive men to ogle, vote on or do whatever (hey I don't judge). Today's contestant is another northern boy currently residing in Colorado. Another athlete, I really picked this guy based on the last photo I'm going to share with you but be sure to study them all before casting your vote! Also, I am a little sad that only Hot Mess got in on this last week but I'll give you guys a pass since it was the first time (however, he really is the most attractive one I've found so far so go check him out here). And remember, I'll take submissions at mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com!

Based on what is hiding under that boarding gear, I'm giving this hump Day Hottie an 8. If he was naked all the time, I'd give him a 10 because I'd never make it to his face to subtract points. I'd be busy checking out the gun show.

Dear Special K Challenge

I QUIT.

Generally, I'd be disappointed in myself but can we be honest here? Your challenge BLOWS.

1. Who the hell wants to eat cereal twice a day? Especially cereal that is kind of bland and boring? I did it for a week and I wanted to blow my brains out.
2. Oh sure you offer alternatives like protein bars and shakes but as someone who had a personal trainer and nutritionist, they have too many carbs and not enough protein. Plus at 4-5 a box of 6 I have to buy THREE boxes to get 14 days of one meal. Highway robbery? Possibly.
3. Eating cereal for two meals and fruits and veggies for two snacks means I am FUCKING STARVING by dinner time. Then I make stupid choices like Tin Lizzys for what I'm sure was 15,000 calories of cheese dip and skillets of chicken, rice, veggies, salsa and more cheese dip.
4. I know you figure no one drinks while taking your challenge but as a challenger I figure it's my duty to my bloggy readers to throw everything I've got at your challenge. I was beyond fucked up after 2 drinks. Granted I hadn't hit the third meal yet but clearly I was not full enough as I generally can drink grown-ass men under the table.
5. Dinner. You're suggestion to eat dinner as one normally would cannot be what you actually meant. If it is, then you are fucking stupid. Isn't eating as I normally do what got me into a situation in which I decided your challenge would help? Your definition of dinner is too broad and allows for too much flexibility. It's quite easy to make up all those calories you saved me at dinner. Especially when (and I know I said this already) you are FUCKING STARVING.

For these reasons, I quit your stupid challenge. A woman with my large, lily white ass cannot survive on your two bowls of cereal a day. There are too many other good foods out there.

XOXO,

Berryfine

PS. Sadly this means my pals will miss out on my own sexy special K photo. I'm not laying the blame completely on you as I couldn't maintain discipline for 2 weeks but I will say you didn't factor in the average person when developing this challenge. Back to the drawing board!

Twitter Tuesday

chrisbro

@lifeinshambles reading your tweets yesterday was like a real-time version of Texts From Last Night

So I thought about this for about 5 seconds and decided it was a stellar idea. So. Boom. Just like that. Instead of highlighting someone else's awesomeness, I decided we should reflect on my own phenomenal skills with 160 characters or less (or is it 140? I keep getting this confused with old school texting...whatever). I bring you @lifeinshambles in all her glory this past Saturday. And yes, I know I'm publishing this early- I put it together so I wouldn't forget tomorrow and then accidently hit publish so I'm stuck with it now. Not. Even. Drunk.

• Today has been decidedly shambles-less....I'm going to have to remedy that
• Just got invited on a fur bus... Night now has potential.
• Is that a bottle of Jack in my freezer?!?! Blackout will happen.
• @bulldoginexile @Jen_eration_X I have no idea but it sounded neat. Party bus?
• Noise violation? Check.
• Fur bus stocked with beers? Check.
• Dear other females: if we go to a bar and you're the only person who thinks I'm skinny then I'm a fat fuck. Let's stop playing pretend.
• Ohio statte fight song came on in bus... Lucky people didn't jump off
• My life is over tonight
• Probably picking a fight with a guy who could butt fuck me with no effort was a bad idea...
• Its annoying to me that somehow out of all the superlatives I'm left as the lest attractive and less fun one. Wow I'm ugly.
• How am I the least fun person on the bus?
• Probably coming to get me in 22 degree weather isn't how he wanted to spend his night

The next day:

• Just found a beer in my purse?
• Beat the church rush to Tin Lizzy's. I feel their judgment as they walk through the door.
• Annnnddddd last night went well.

Monday Musings

• Would everyone please just shut the fuck up about this "Scam" Newton thing? (For those of you under a rock, Scam is what anyone outside of the Auburn fanbase has taken to calling Auburn quarterback Cam Newton) If nothing comes of this, you'll look like an ass. Which you already do since your team isn't as good and has a shittier record than Auburn. You just look like a fucking immature, sore loser. And if later on revelations lead to him being stripped of any awards he received this season and Auburn's record being tainted, then we can all have a nice little laugh and pat ourselves on the back for having been the bigger person at the time.
• Getting up in the morning is a lot harder than it used to be. Which I don't get since I now have a big girl job and something to live for. Or so I thought.
• My kitchen sink is clogged. I could have told you that was going to happen since my garbage disposal makes a weird noise and doesn't suck a damn thing down. That finally caught up to me. Unfortunately, that water is just going to hang out there until I clean the apartment because no one is getting past that door until my bras are put away.
• I really, really dislike the new employee in our office. Like I have no common ground and she's fucking dense. Also, asking me the same question over and over again is not going to get you a different answer. Actually, yes, my answer will change in that it will be a lot ruder (is that a fucking word?). I might throw a fucking or shit in there as well.
• Today I did nothing at work. And yet my boss thinks I'm a workaholic. I should have been an actress.
• This. Right. Here:

Make sure you listen for the That's What She Said Moment at around the 1:24 mark. If you go to You Tube watch their booze one too. Pretty classic. I actually really want to try it.

• I missed a deadline on my story. Which I guess I should work on right now. But reviewing educational software seems wayyyyy less fun than trolling the internet.
• I am the most unprofessional person. For instance, today I thought it might be a grand idea to share the link to this blog with one of my vendors (and my phone boyfriend...HIIIIIII TONY). This seems like a not very bright idea to everyone else but fuck it. Won't be the first time my internet shananigans get me into hot water.
• Blogger won't let me spell-check this. Whatever. I'll just spell everything wrong and see how much you enjoy reading it. Which is not possible actually as my degrees in journalism and literature prohibit me from purposefully posting something like that. However, if I speed through this and hit publish before I get a chance to review it mayyyyyybeeeee....

WTF!?!? UPDATE

Bitches, get excited! The ladies of WTF is Up with My Love Life are definitely coming and I have a lovely update for you! Yesterday, Loren and Jess contacted Hot Mess and I to let us know the dates and some key events so I'm sharing them with you (please for the love of God people, don't stalk me though. I really don't want to have to relocate to avoid you).

Dates: December 16-18 ( I know, such a short window and you're as bummed as I)

Events:

• On Camera Interviews December 16th. Jess and Loren will be trolling the streets of Atlanta to find out our generation's thoughts on love, gaggles, sex and non-dates. Be sure to be out and about and don't be shy if a microphone and camera are shoved in your face (I included a video from Austin that they sent us so you can check it out).
• Promotional Bar Crawl December 16th. Jess and Loren will be hitting all the major ATL bars with stickers and business cards. They'll be chatting up the locals for ideas and feedback and spreading the word.
• Blog Reading at Bound to Be Read Books on December 17th. Wine and snacks and blog reading and discussion. It's going to be a great time!

Sounds like fun doesn't it?!?! Mark your calendars and join me and Hot Mess for some fun the weekend of December 16th-17th! Plus, Hot Mess and I will be attending a charity event December 17th at Sweetwater Brewery so be sure to follow us over there for tours of the facility and booze!

Welcome to Singlehood!

Last night a buddy of mine and his long-time girlfriend broke up. Not for the first time in recent weeks but the fights were getting repetitive and nothing was going to change. The gist? She wanted to settle down in a city and he is working for a company that has rotations. He's lived in Pennsylvania, Atlanta and, starting in January, California. He's given up opportunities to live in Illinois and a few other places to appease her and had one last rotation left. He went so far as to interview with companies in the city she lived in. A few nights ago we had a long talk and I had a feeling it was going to come to an end soon. Last night I got the text but was surprised to see SHE BROKE UP WITH ME HAHA pop up on my blackberry. I called him and we chatted for a bit- he seemed fine but I guess it was inevitable. Later that night the following text exchange occurred:

J: TV is way better with Sam Adams.

B: Most things are better with Sam Adams J.

J: True. Whoooaaa! HBO has porn now? It's only 11. This ain't cinemax!

J: Add in Sam Adams and good night.

J: The history of porn is on hahaha.

B: Wow hopping right into the single life. Ahhh the excitement of weeknight porn and brews.

J: Fanfuckintastic. I missed so much.

J: It's even in Spanish!

B: Wow bilingual porn. You're so worldly J.

J: Livin' the dream.

J: Cum apparently has vitamins in it?!?!?!?!

B: Yep. Sperm is good for me. It was all over the news years ago.

B: Makes hair shinier. Skin clearer. Teeth whiter.

J: hahahaha

J: Wow

B: Glad HBO and I could educate you.

B: There's your future. Bottle that shit up.

J: Wow little did I know every man's dream helped women be healthier.

B: hahaha ANNNNNND More attractive. Win win really.

J: Seriously, why do we not get daily blow jobs then?

B: Dating the wrong girls I suppose.

B: Some girls dislike giving them. Which just blows my mind.

J: Apparently!!!

J: i need one of these who looks out for her health and beauty!

J: I know this seems crazy to me. Oral both ways is awesome fun.

B: Haha well there are guys out there who don't agree with that sentiment. We should just round them up and ship them to an island.

J: Seclude them. They are obviously not human!

J: When blessed with regular BJs the world would be a better place. World problems would be solved.

B: Haha omg you could run for president on that platform. You'd be king of the world.

J: That and threesomes. I would own the world.

B: Except that one island.

Did I mention this guy is part of my gaggle? Totally ridiculous- good to know he's a typical male. I bet you're wondering how his ex is doing? Well according to him, she hasn't blocked him on facebook yet. "She has some bullshit, emo song lyric as her status. Woe is me". Just another example of how we all handle breakups differently- she'll OD on ice cream and he'll OD on porn. Welcome to singlehood!

Hump Day Hotties

Okay, so I read this blog, Barstool Sports (Boston, NY and LA) and they have this semi-regular post that I'm stealing for my own blog. With a twist of course, because I do not want to feature ladies. Instead I am going to troll facebook for attractive males and let you guys chime in on who's hot and who's not. Feel free to submit your candidates for the new feature, Hump Day Hotties, by shooting an email over to mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com!

Our first Hump Day Hottie is from the great state of New Jersey (just go with it bitches) and is a swimmer. You know I like them athletes like WHOAAAAA. Without further ado, I bring you Peter.

Personally, I'm giving him a 9.5 out of a possible 10. What is his flaw you ask? He's only 19 and that's a little too close to my little sister's age for me. This is a look but don't touch kind of thing for me.

Special K Challenge Day 1 Recap

Breakfast: Special K with skim milk and a banana

Lunch: Special K with skim milk and a banana

(side note, weird right?)

Dinner: Crackers with hummus and skim milk

Snacks: 3 pieces of crystal light candy and a bottle of water

Gym Time: Weights, lunges, squats and crunches

So I was INTENDING for dinner with be chicken breast with salad but I stopped at the store at 5 pm STARVING and considered another night of sushi (Monday night's pre special K challenge dinner) and then I saw the hummus. And it called out to me. Shopping while fucking STARVING from only eating two bowls of cereal is detrimental to your wallet. TRUST ME.

I went searching for more Special K hotties but despite a dozen plus women being on the back of the boxes, there aren't too many on the interwebs. FAIL.

The Special K Challenge

Has anyone else ever noticed how happy the bitches on the back of Special K boxes are? Probably because they just lost a whole jeans size in two weeks. I don't know if I believe it but I'm pretty broke and a giant box of cereal and a gallon of milk is infinitely cheaper than all that other shit I typically put in my cart. So here goes nothing.

The premise for those of you who mute your tv during the annoyingly red commercials:

Meal 1: Special K with fruit and 2/3 cup of skim milk

Meal 2: Special K with fruit and 2/3 cup of skim milk OR Special K protein bar or shake

Meal 3: Whatever you would normally eat (and I fail at this portion!)

Snacks: 2 a day- fruit, veggies or Special K treats (snack bars, protein water, cereal bars, crackers or fruit chips)

Bam. Seems easy enough right? If I seem extra bitchy during this ordeal just remember how damn happy I'll be at the end- just like the girl on the Special K box right?

Starting Weight: 164

Starting Jeans Size: 10

Looking for a Gift for the Virgin in your life?

Look no further than here. And be sure to read the commentary that accompanies this gem of a gift. You're welcome.

Morning After Messages

"It may have been my decision last night to do the Irish Whiskey shots, but I think it was your decision originally that started the Irish Whiskey history. I was somewhat coherent until that shot happened. After that shot happened things get quite hazy. You are blamed for me being drunk last night and not Athens and an all day tailgate fest. I hope your night turned out well!"

~Hot guy I had a glass with in college who bumped into me downtown Saturday.

* And like a true life in shambles, I have a picture of how this tradition started and I cannot fucking locate it. Anywhere.

What is Missing?

It has occured to me that this website is missing something. A couple of somethings:

1. Drunk blogging

2. Recaps

3. Pictures

Not sure I can remedy any of those but since I'm fucking sitting here stone-cold sober BY MYSELF on Thanksgiving after ingesting the Ruby Tuesday's fucking salad bar, I guess I could at least muster some damn pictures. So....here goes:

Nothing says I can't cook but fuck it, I like to booze like a fridge filled with a gallon of milk, two dozen eggs, some dips for chips, a sprite and over 3 dozen jello shots. Welcome to day 2 of my 22nd birthday.

If you want to bang a girl and make her feel like she drank you under a table when really you led her along like the pied piper into a naked blackout, I'm a whore state then head to Buddha Bar in Athens, GA and give her some sake bombs. When she stops trying to even get the shot glasses on the chopsticks, it's time to take her home. Not that this ever happened to me. I did, however, do this to a guy. Or two. Okay, three. That's my final answer.

Apparently, these guys are in a frat. What tipped you off? Maybe the fact that one brother is about to drink from another brother's crotch? Maybe? Tehehe, dick jokes are funny.

Welcome to a typical Shambles night. This was back in 2006. That is my collection of shot glasses and my chaser "fat bud". And no I do not pull that Coyote Ugly bullshit spit it in the beer bottle crap. I take my shots and I like them. Also, I am slightly artistic when I want to be.

Okay, bitches, I'm bored of this currently. I think 4 pictures into my past is enough. However, this is something I will start doing on the reg. Send me your funny shots and I'll post those too. Anonymously or otherwise.

Thankful Thursday

In honor of Turkey Day here are all the things I am thankful for.

• Clothing. Something has to cover the cellulite and stretch marks.
• Uggs. They may be ugly but damn if they aren't comfy.
• Wine. And wine glasses. And bottle openers for said wine.
• Beer. Kegs. Pint glasses. Power Hour. Pitchers.
• Football. Boys in tight pants playing with balls.
• Coolers. Keeping my booze cold. Great for bets. Also decent seating when in a crunch.
• People uglier than me. I know it's bitchy but don't even pretend like when someone less attractive than you is in the same room you don't secretly thank god for small favors.
• Liquor. Shot glasses.
• Bars. Somewhere everyone knows your name. Because you puked everywhere, took half your clothes off and went home with a rando.
• Hot boys. A girl can dream.
• Piedmont Park. I like to play with balls there.
• My blackberry. How the hell else would I get through the day? Who would entertain you with inappropriate or blatantly obvious tweets?
• Friends and Family. Because it's what everyone says. And someone out there probably listed me so this is really just to cover my bases.
• Mexican food. Feels so good going down...the next morning I may weigh 5 more lbs and feel like shit but damn last night was good.
• Other drunk people. This doesn't bear explaining.
• Sober people. For rides home, duh.
• Sweatpants. Ohhhh god I love sweatpants. There are even some guys who look sexy in them. Probably not any of my readers but don't fret, I don't look sexy in them either.
• Blogs like Barstool Sports, masshole sports, bulldog in exile, fired n fabulous,imboycrazy.com, Livit, Luvit and 8 billion other blogs I read every day (perhaps I should highlight one a week....hmmmm).
• The library. Every once in a while I need to get my dork on.
• The internet. dear Al Gore, thanks for helping me stalk people. Love Berryfine.
• My apartment. It's just me and my nudity whenever I hit the doorway. So delicious.

God, that's a lot of stupid, material shit to be thankful for. Your turn, what ridiculous shit are you thankful for that you're too embarrassed to say at the dinner table today? Don't worry, I won't judge.

And We're Back in Shambles!

So Shambles took a job at a small company, assuring them (after speaking with Todd Noble at Mccart Insurance) that I could get insurance coverage. Apparently, a month after I start my job I find out this is not the case.

Interesting. Glad Obamacare is going so well. So well that someone like me who goes to the doctor once a year cannot get health insurance.

Dear Berryfine,

This letter is in response to your inquiry regarding the recent declination of your application for individual coverage with CoventryOne.

Unfortunately, we were unable to offer coverage on you due to history of borderline hypertension with no follow up or blood pressure readings since starting medication in May 2009. The source of this information was medical records from Dr. William Bostock.

The decision is based strictly on insurance risk, not a clinical viewpoint.

Sincerely,

CoventryOne

Individual Medical Underwriting/lss

Background:

In May of 2009, my gynecologist said she was not going to continue prescribing birth control because she thought my blood pressure was too high. She insisted I see a doctor. So I called Dr. Bostock and ended up seeing one of his NPs. She laughed at my gynecologist but prescribed me with the LOWEST dose of medication and sent me home. She asked me to fax her some blood pressure readings before and after I began the medication. I did so and she told me there was no need for me to come back in. So I took the meds for 3 months

, monitored my blood pressure. Once I went off, I monitored it for a few weeks and there was no change. I figured this was the end of it. I'm not on birth control and I haven't been to a doctor since May 2009. I've lost almost 20 lbs, I run every day, I eat healthy (for the most part) and I drink. Never had a problem with health insurance until now.

My thoughts:

1. CoventryOne doesn't allow me to appeal. Which is bullshit. There is absolutely no reason not to allow me to provide my own notes and lab results that show when I spoke with my doctor and what she told me.

2. It pisses me the fuck off that something that my doctor didn't think was even an issue but just a cautionary reaction to another doctor is preventing me from getting healthcare coverage. My medical history includes this incident and one hospitalization back in 2003. Other than that, I am RARELY sick, haven't had the flu in over 10 years and go to the doctor only for yearly visits.

3. There are some fat fucks out there who gorge themselves on eve

rything, have a history of health problems and a ridiculous amount of pre-existing conditions and those assholes get coverage. On the other hand, someone who monitors her health and lost weight because of a warning from her doctor cannot get health insurance.

4. Oh wait, if I was hispanic I would be able to get FREE coverage when I went into the hospital.

5. I really love that I have spent a ridiculous amount on healthcare coverage and NOT USED it for anything other than check ups and I can't get health insurance. This makes a lot of sense to me.

6. Back to Coventry, they also don't provide a phone number, took over a month to get me a response and have basically made it so that when I do secure some sort of health insurance I will have a pre-existing clause (cause God knows, they'll find a

way around Obamacare's thoughts on that).

7. Mccart Insurance- thanks for your stellar follow up and customer service. The fact that I have had to call you and email you multiple times before getting a response is fucking ridiculous. No one answers your phone calls and your emails just

get pushed around. Thanks for your shitty service buddy.

And in case you were wondering, I'm fairly certain my blood pressure is off the fucking charts right now. Nice work.

Twitter Tuesday

So Barbie made me feel bad about letting this slide. To be honest, I didn't think anyone actually took my advice on who to follow so I just said Peace bitches. But I'm bringing it back. I would love it if some of you let me know who you like, what your favorite tweets are and if you actually want me to keep sharing.

Anyway, in keeping with my theme of WOW I'M GROWING UP! I've found someone else who loves their job. So much so they use Twitter to share their hatred for life between the hours of 9-5. Check out @cubicletweets for a few good laughs and to commiserate about how shitty work really is.

• I sure am happy my college degree allows me to do things like put labels on dividers and fax things.
• assualt isn't a crime if they had it coming right?
• thanks to your face, I no longer have an appetite.
• I actually prefer that no one asks me what my weekend plans are. If they did, I would have to inquire about there's and I don't care.
• If I set myself on fire, would anyone notice?
• I'm all for donating clothes to poor families, but you all have terrible fashion sense and I don't trust your judgement.
• I think you should get out of my personal space. I have a full cup of very hot coffee that could "accidentally" get thrown in your face.
• Let me tell you how much I love my job, oh wait, I fucking don't so I can't.
• I'm so happy that I can do all your work for you so you can eat M&Ms.
• The woman in the cubicle next to me just said, "it was too big to fit in my box." It's gems like that that make me happy.
• Things I hate: work. Things I love: not working.
• I'm sorry I can't understand you when your heads all the way up our bosses ass.
• I was a damn fool for thinking today could be different.
• Warning: final 30 minutes of the workday may cause suicide.
• To everyone that enjoys their job, fuck you.

Yeah, we're pretty much on the same page here buddy. Please don't commit suicide or I'll have nothing left to live for.