Hurray Match.Com!

I love when Match.com combines its powers with Yahoo.com and brings us dating advice. My favorite part is how fucking OBVIOUS their advice is. But it's not like watching Dr. Phil and laughing as he says over and over (in nicer words) YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT- YOU KNOW THIS. Instead, they act like everything they are telling you is BREAKING news. Hey, guess what? It's not. Maybe we aren't doing it, but trust us we know it.

Take today's article: 5 Secrets to making him love you

Before I show you the 5 reasons (unless you already clicked the link) can we focus on the word SECRETS? What does that word mean? For those of you that don't know, I googled it for you:

• not open or public; kept private or not revealed; "a secret formula"; "secret ingredients"; "secret talks"
• clandestine: conducted with or marked by hidden aims or methods; "clandestine intelligence operations"; "cloak-and-dagger activities behind enemy lines"; "hole-and-corner intrigue"; "secret missions"; "a secret agent"; "secret sales of arms"; "surreptitious mobilization of troops"; "an ...
• communicated covertly; "their secret signal was a wink"; "secret messages"
• not expressed; "secret (or private) thoughts"
• hidden: designed to elude detection; "a hidden room or place of concealment such as a priest hole"; "a secret passage"; "the secret compartment in the desk"
• privy: hidden from general view or use; "a privy place to rest and think"; "a secluded romantic spot"; "a secret garden"
• confidential: (of information) given in confidence or in secret; "this arrangement must be kept confidential"; "their secret communications"
• something that should remain hidden from others (especially information that is not to be passed on); "the combination to the safe was a secret"; "he tried to keep his drinking a secret"
• indulging only covertly; "a secret alcoholic"
• information known only to a special group; "the secret of Cajun cooking"
• mysterious: having an import not apparent to the senses nor obvious to the intelligence; beyond ordinary understanding; "mysterious symbols"; "the mystical style of Blake"; "occult lore"; "the secret learning of the ancients"
• mystery: something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained; "how it got out is a mystery"; "it remains one of nature's secrets"
• the next to highest level of official classification for documents

Anyway, since I already explained that these ideas they are sharing are fucking obvious then they cannot be a secret now can they? Also, the title implies that by using these secrets you can get ANY guy to fall in love with you. If that were the case, I'd have a bundle of beaus off the first fucking secret they reveal. FAIL Match.com, FAIL.

So what are these secrets?

1. Share an activity. Really? Should we do things we both like? He likes? I like? Should we do these things together or apart. Oh gee, Match.com give me more!
2. Cheer him on. Does this have anything to do with that fantasy guys have about giving it to the head cheerleader? Don't worry boys, I still have my cheerleading uniform.
3. Let him be himself. Damnit, I want to change him! Why can't he be the guy I want him to be?
4. Tell him what you think. Ummm I don't know if he actually does want that. Or if the rules allow it.
5. Give him his space. So you're saying that putting my tampons in his bathroom the day we first hooked up was a bad idea? Guess I shouldn't have notified my apartment I wouldn't be renewing my lease either...

And there you have it people. Match.com's secrets for making a man fall in love with you. Now go get 'em tigress!