Cassandra's Move of The Week

So, I meet with Cassandra twice a week- Tuesday's and Thursdays. I have to tell you:

I AM FEELING IT THIS MORNING.

I don't even know which move of the week to use because I'm not sure which one has made me feel this sore. She really took it all up a notch this week. More than likely because I mentioned doing the planks on my own Wednesday. She said if I could do those without someone ensuring completion, that I could do a lot more than we had been.

Open palm slaps forehead. "D'oh" says Berryfine.

Yesterday, we did some shoulder press/fly combos, jump squats, tricep dips with legs up on an opposite bench, squats with a shoulder press and some pushups. This week's move of the week is...

Bench Pushups with Leg Lift

People, I am horrible at pushups and every trainer I get wants me to do them as much as possible. Once I get the ability to do ten without stopping they add all kinds of tricks to make me want to punch them. I swear yesterday, I must have moaned, "Cassandra, how much do you hate me?" half a dozen times.

Anyway, you'll need a bench (duh, its in the title) for this move. Place both hands on the bench and get into pushup position. Legs extended, close together. Arms just wider than your shoulders. Lower down so arms are at a 90 degree angle and lift one foot off the floor, extending your leg behind you. As you raise your body, lower leg. Each time you lower your body, alternate which leg you do. Two sets of twenty.

And, go.

I WANT THIS!

Ummm who needs a water bra when you can purchase a booze bra?!?!

In the spirit of Thirsty Thursday, I thought I might make a list of places I would wear this bad boy. Here we go:

• Shopping. Some girls love it. Me, not so much. It may have to do with the fact that I am virtually penniless or perhaps the fact that the sizes those no talent clothing assholes expect us to fit into are UNREAL, but shopping for me is like a punishment. Online shopping on the otherhand...anyway, just think, dress is too tight in the boobs? No problem, suck some soco out of your tits. Dress is too big in the boobs, fill 'em up with some 151 (you know, so you'll take your time sucking the shit out).
• Sporting Events. I don't attend a ton of these but when I do go, JESUS, it's highway robbery how much these people charge us for beer! A beer, people! Even at a Gwinnett Braves game, the crap is JUST OUT OF my reach. So, I just pack accordingly by filling my bra up with some Coors Light. Kind of like those awesome blue mountains, my nipples will tell you if its Ice Cold. And college footballs games clearly don't serve booze which is a crime in itself. Don't get me wrong, I like a sober football game as much as the next guy (or gal as the case may be) but why be sober when you can be drunk? Plus think of all the ass I'd pull.
• PTA Meetings. Why the hell would anyone want to subject themselves to this. Look, I know one day I'm going to think my little snot-nosed brat is the cutest damn thing in the world and I'll be so impressed she managed to, I don't know, walk up the stairs without tripping or go potty all by herself (and only after I bribe her with hairbows or something), but the idea of sitting in chairs that were uncomfortable when I was her age (and hiking uphill, both ways, in the snow, barefoot, in june, carrying my brother on my back...) does not sound appealing at all. Add in principals, who I'm fairly certain I'll dislike no matter my age, and I have a feeling I'll need a cosmo or two to get through it. "I'd like tooooo,belllllchhhhhhhhhh, make a motion to....ssslerve b-b-b-oooze at sfoootball gamessss..." All those in favor?
• My kids sporting events. I can picture it now, not only am I the parent totally into her kid's game but I'm also so hammered it's comical. Join me as I picture my future now: Teetering on oh-so impractical Jessica Simpson wedges, wearing a tank top (with my child's picture pin pinned to the front, of course!), some short shorts or maybe capris if it's chilly. Stumbling up and down the soccer field, yelling at my child to BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE. Of course, I'd give up on that little diddy when I realized I couldn't spell aggressive due to the margaritas I have been sucking from my own tit. Did I mention, the left boob is deflated since I emptied it out?
• Job Interviews. God, when you are in the waiting room...so intense. The butterflies make you want to puke everywhere. Why not calm it all down and get your game face on by taking a nip of Jack D and coke before you head into that office and knock their socks off? In the process, your personality is IMPROVED and your knockers are looking nice. Hey, if it gets you hired, it gets you hired. And when you show up to work without big boobs, they can't say a word, can they? If they do...well, a sexual harrassment lawsuit will fatten that wallet nicely.
• Anywhere on Sunday so long as I live in the South. Seriously. EVERYWHERE. To the grocery store, to the park, to the gym...anywhere and everywhere so I'm never without booze.
• Anywhere sobriety is a requirement. I once went to a dry wedding. And tailgated. And brought in a bottle of orange juice spiked with vodka because "I'm diabetic and I don't want to go into shock, you know." This would make that much easier for me. Plus, men would be rooting for the girl with red wine spilling from her chest to catch the bouquet. I'd be the coolest guest ever.

*Look how happy the bitch in the picture looks. I want to be that happy!

**Clearly, I'm joking here people. It's not entirely acceptable to do any of these things so I'd probably refrain but in a perfect world...

EXCITING NEWS!

Okay, so I have been slacking over here and I am very, very sorry. I apologized to my trainer, Cassandra the devil as well. Anyway, oh wait- also my body. Body, I'm sorry I'm slacking and you aren't getting what you need/want/deserve. Thank God vacation starts Friday and you get some down time.

Okay, exciting news: Today I got a most excellent phone call.

As some of you, who read me on the reg, know my favorite part of the running community is how giving and supportive they are. Especially when it comes to finding a cure, getting the word out, helping people do something incredible or making someone's life better. So many of you support charities that have made me more aware of the world around me and the people who inhabit it. Because of this, I had been thinking I wanted to have a bi-weekly charity featured on the blog (as well as the charities tab) but it's better than that.

How many of you have searched something via Google or Bing and gotten an article linked to examiner.com? Well, they have contacted me to start my own page featuring my own writing (minus the ridiculous amount of cursing) and the topic they are asking me to write about is charities- fundraising, who it benefits, what they do, how to start one....and on and on and on. I could not be more excited about this you guys. I will definitely keep you posted on how it goes and throw some links up here for you to check out as things get posted. I have some great ideas marinating right now and some awesome leads from friends.

If you have a charity you would like spotlighted or a topic involving community (and especially if you are in the Atlanta area since I will be an Atlanta Examiner) please hit me up at fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com and I will do my best to get back to you and get working :)

Also...I'm cooking up a sweet giveaway with a friend/coach for Team Challenge who also happens to have a wealth of fitness knowledge :) Stay tuned!

Wig Out Wednesday

As my few readers know, I am currently on the job hunt. While I am employed, the job is pretty deadend not to mention…nevermind. Don’t speak ill of a job you currently hold. Or even one you used to work in for that matter. Looks bad.

Let’s start over, shall we? I currently work in a job that I love but has no room for advancement. Because this is an issue for me as I am looking for a career and not just a job, I am currently putting feelers out there for a new opportunity. I have interviewed with a few places and every time I get the following response (and I mean, EVERY time people)…

“We love, love, love your personality and enthusiasm. You have great energy. Unfortunately, you don’t have the experience we’re looking for at this time.”

Really?

Look, I used to be a recruiter. I understand sometimes you need to ask clarifying questions but can you not do those things over the phone? I really don’t make a ton of money and it’s not a lot of fun to think up excuses to leave work and drive 30 minutes to a job interview that I never had a shot at anyway. You have my resume in front of you so you know what I have done in the past. Why waste my time, and more importantly yours, when you could be interviewing one of the 10 % of the unemployed population of Atlanta. Someone who has the experience clearly listed on their resume?

Furthermore, how the hell does one gain experience in an industry if none of you people are willing to give the inexperienced a chance? If I only did jobs I have experience in, then I would be stuck applying for jobs interviewing teen celebrities, organizing closets, making sandwiches, ringing up orders, routing products and counting shit, booking appointments, recruiting temporary staff or medical billing. If I liked doing those things, I’d probably be applying to Twist, Panera, Quizno’s, STA, Phillips Wellness Center, TRC or Trillium Group…oh wait, there’s my resume. Guess that won’t work.

The last interview I had consisted of a woman asking questions from a steno pad. Afterwards she told me “You’re awesome.”

A week later she called to tell me they went with another candidate and that “You should really just drop the professional job and look into doing standup or something along those lines.”

Well, if that was so damn easy, wouldn’t I be doing that by now?

Internet Stalking Has Hit A New Low...

When you aren’t getting laid, there is nothing better than having a crush. Okay, sure sex in cop cars or hooking up on boats are pretty damn cool for one night stands but for the long haul crushes are what get you through the night. Stalking your crushes via the interwebs is even better.

As previously stated, I officially know my Gym Crush’s first and last name. On that level, I can no longer be considered a slut if I hook up with him. Armed with that information, I was able to use my handy dandy journalism skills to dig up some more deets on the muscled man who stars in so many of my fantasies. Since I know you loyal readers are wondering what is going on and like to be kept up to date, I thought I would share them with you all:

1. Homeboy has a brother. A what? A brother. You’re telling me there are TWO of my gym crush? Shit boi, tell me more. Well, Gym Crush just casually mentioned the brother so there was no way for me to casually dig up any more info on him. I wonder if he is as hot and dedicated to his body being a temple as Gym Crush is? Is he younger or older? Married or single?
2. He’s a family man and that was instilled in him by his Pops. His mom and dad own a trucking company here in Georgia and he’ll eventually inherit it (with my deductive reasoning skills, I think his brother must be younger). They’ve had the company for 25 years and with some sleuthing I was able to determine that they bring in between 3-5 million per year. The company employs 25 people according to their D&B. And I now have contact information through his work. And he’s listed as Sales Executive. Funny when you think he is covered in tattoos and piercings and getting business for the company (which his father cannot stand).
3. He’s heading to Panama City Beach next week. Yes, the Redneck Riviera. Boys Trip. Hmmm, might be time to rethink my vacation… What happens in Panama stays in Panama...
4. His wife’s name is Sandy.
5. He believes in honesty. As in, if his wife gets fat, he’ll leave her. So he told her so.
6. He attended the 14th Annual Tattoo Arts Convention in Atlanta in June. Where he got a tattoo on his torso. I’m going to spend my down time locating him through the 40+ vendors on the website. If I find a photo and post it here, someone ought to send me a prize.
   

Also, I’m pretty close to figuring out where he lives. For the sake of the blog. Just to see if I can do it. I’m not going to show up there and steal him out from under his wife. Like I could do that. But I would like to prove how fucking easy it is the learn EVERYTHING about someone just by searching the internet. And trust me, Gym Crush has an EXTREMELY common name so if I figure this out….well, private detecting might need to be my new calling.

Twitter Tuesday

It's been a while since a Twitter Tuesday, but I'm bringing it back bitches! It's been since May 25, 2010 so here goes...

Checkkkkkk outtttt (drumroll please)... @warmyellowlight! Also known as that one girl. And yes, that is a piece of toast as her avatar. Her twitter bio reads the following:

I rock at loading dishwashers and taking liquid measurements. Come over and watch me in my glory. I dare you.

I suck at loading dishwashers and taking liquid measurements so I'm uber impressed by homegirl's skills. And with a keyboard and 140 characters...well, pure genius ensues.

• Question: If everyone on Twitter is single &/or sexually frustrated, then why aren't we all just having one big cuddle orgy?
• So, um... are any of you guys single? I'm asking for a friend. She has bewbs. You might like them.
• Last straw, dude. If you can't appreciate my vast knowledge of red-winged blackbirds, then it's time we started seeing other people.
• I'll tell you what: there's not much more thrilling in my life than a rapidly rising dew point.
• Middle-aged woman in her front yard selling lemonade? Yeah. Because THAT'S completely normal.
• I've been not wearing pants for four hours now. And the night is still young, my friends. The night is still young.
• Sorry I haven't tweeted in a couple days. I've been really busy almost having a life. And masturbating.
• Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't get the memo that infidelity isn't funny anymore.
• In case any authorities or others read that and assume that I'm a "workin' girl," I'd like to point out that that tweet was mostly sarcasm.
• Congested in Virginia, both nasally and traffic-ally. But at least my texts are giving someone a boner
• Oh, Tumblr. You always make me want to masturbate.
• Here's the thing. From now on, I say what I want. And you can just deal with it AS USUALLY.
• Kentucky: Where it's apparently okay to drive down the interstate with the hatch of your minivan wide open despite many belongings inside.
• What this morning needs is more sex. Or any sex at all, really. What's a girl gotta do to get some sex around here? Offer tacos?
• The other day I read that the average couple has sex sixty times per year. I need to start hanging out with this average couple.
• Things I attract: Mosquitos. Bees. Gay men. Weird people. Assholes.
• Dudes with beards: Looking "trendy" while showing blatant disregard for their partners' sexual pleasure since wayyy too long.
• ZOMGGG If I make it through this day without throwing myself at a stranger and humping his leg vigorously it will be a freaking miracle.
• The urge to misbehave is strong in this one. Again.
• STOP. Snuggle time. Yes, with myself. It still counts, okay?
• Let's pretend life is a game of "Which adult can break out in the most zits in one day?" -- because lord knows I love to be a winner.

Things I Dislike About Losing Weight

I never thought I would write that but the fact is, there are some downsides to losing weight. So, here they are in case you were considering tightening up.

1. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BREASTS? No, seriously, the only socially "acceptable" place to have fat is the very first place you will lose it. Now, I think boobs are rather annoying and they get in the way of a lot of shit I try to do BUT when it's time to go out (or stay in wink wink) I rather enjoy having breasts. So if someone could talk to the big guy upstairs about saving the ol tatas from breast cancer and weight loss that would be stellar. Clearly, he should work on the first one first but if he has some time...
2. Also weird, MY SHOE SIZE WENT DOWN. Why didn't someone warn me of this? Because when I was 25 lbs heavier and in a funk I didn't rush out to buy clothes. I rushed out to buy fucking shoes because I figured no matter my size, they'd fit. It's so busch league that I can't wear my favorite fuck me pumps anymore.
3. NOT ALL ATTENTION IS GOOD ATTENTION. Trust me on this one. Because I get some weird shit at the gym from some weird shits.
4. YOUR CLOTHES DON'T FIT. Okay, this is a great thing for the most part. Except when you make $13.50 at a job you hate and can't get an interview for a new job despite your effort. Plus, even if you got an interview, your fucking suit doesn't fit anymore. I get so tired of having coworkers come up to me and tell me I need new pants. Especially if it's the ol boss and owner. Ummm hello? If you paid me more, I would buy some pants.

Ohhh Monday...day of new beginnings.

Okay...trying out this whole schedule thing. I don't have a big race on tap (well, actually I have a little 5K on Sunday) so I've been kind of drifting since my half marathon. It's time to get it back in gear.

Monday- Run 6 miles
Tuesday- 20 minute run, training session, 20 minutes bike
Wednesday- Run 6 miles
Thursday- 20 minute run, training session, 20 minutes bike
Friday- off (driving 12 hours to NJ)
Saturday- cardio rotation
Sunday- Race Day!

My next race is the Sea Girt 5K with my daddy for his birthday. I'm pretty jacked up about it but I know it won't be a PR since I plan on going out Saturday night!

High School Kids are the Shit

I was definitely not as cool as I could have been in high school. It amazes me the shit I missed out on trying to live up to my "academic potential". Imagine my surprise when my sister said some of the kids at our high school (she currently attends) were selling their songs on fucking iTunes. Seriously, I'm 26 and what do I have to show for my life? These kids probably can't even drive yet but they have music on fucking iTunes? That I would have to pay for?!?!

Quotidian is a trio of "rappers" from Brookwood High School in Snellville, GA. And I'm checking their shit out so I'm sharing it with you so you can be either super impressed or super depressed. Your choice.

First up, we have Pants Off Dace Off (PODO). Sadly enough, no pants were taken off during the making of this video. At least not on camera. Also, you can see the football field I spent 3 years running water to and fro since they filmed it at my alam mater.



Okay, I lied. At the 10 second mark some pants are on the ground and the sprinklers are going to town.Next, we have Text Me- a rap about texting. Weird. Which, for those of you not in Georgia, is now illegal while driving. Meaning I break the law 100 times a day. I'm a fucking outlaw, ya'll.




Can you believe that shit has been viewed 1,551 times. Well 1,552 now. They are kind of catchy in a im in high school kind of way. Would I pay for them now? Nope. But can I see them keeping this up and getting better with age? Yep. Now, if only they could lend me some talent and drive...

Escuchame?!?!?!

Come se dice Tomorrow is going to be fucking awesome?!?!?!

Well, I don't know and I'm too lazy to go look it up on freetranslate.com so let's just move right along. To more important things. Things like...


HOLY SHIT DID YOU KNOW TOMORROW IS NATIONAL TEQUILA DAY?!?!?!?!

For those of you unaware, Tequila is my FAVORITE. I love it. Ohhhh it would run through my veins if I let go enough to be an alcoholic.

So, once Ally told me this, I hit Google (or Lougle for those of you who saw Hot Tub Time Machine) and stumbled across this awesome shit:

FoxNews likes Tequila too!

Also, the midwestern states seem to be beating us in the National Tequila Day mentions so I don't know if they just REALLY LOVE TEQUILA or they are that bored that any holiday is worth celebrating but either way, I'm on this train. I am spending my money on tequila tomorrow and shooting myself to sleep. That sounded....wrong, didn't it. I'm not going to kill myself people. I meant take shots till I pass out. Actually, that doesn't sound much better especially when you factor in that my drinking buddy Ally won't be here.

If you have the time, money and inclination, hit VEGAS for National tequila day because they are really getting into the spirit of it. I'm just confused as to how I missed knowing about this until now! Apparently the first known celebration was only in 2008 but I still missed a solid 2 years of celebrating. I've got to make up for lost time.

So, how will you be celebrating National Tequila Day?!?!?

Motivation...

Motivation is the activation or energization of goal-orientated behavior.

Recently, motivation is something I have struggled with. Many of you may say, "But Berryfine! You've been to the gym EVERY day this week!" Well, in my humble opinion motivation isn't just getting your ass out there. It's getting your ass out there and pushing it a step farther than its ever gone. It's sweating buckets upon buckets upon buckets (oh, hey Adam). It's feeling the pain and asking for more. It's going harder, faster, longer (Good lord, this sounds like the prologue to a porno). So just because one gets up and goes to the gym every day doesn't mean they are motivated.

For example, this week (so far- still two days left to fuck it up) I've gone to the gym every day. Even on Wednesday when I decided I'd rather sleep till six since I was working from home. At noon, I took a lunch break and hit the apartment gym while my laundry was in the washer. And the dryer for that matter. Some of you may be thinking, "That's pretty damn motivated" but in actuality it's not. You see, even though I was going to the gym every day it's like something was off. My eating SUCKED- I craved every bad thing you could imagine and could not say no (thanks Mother Nature. Some of you get that...some of you don't). My running? Ha! Running? yesterday I barely did a mile before I thought walking might be more my speed. My personal training sessions went a little like this:

Cassandra: Give me 15 pushups.

Berryfine....groans. Stretches... brings up another subject. Does 5 pushups. Drops to the ground on the pretense of adjusting her sleeves. Does 5 more pushups and then just sits at the top staring at the ground cursing life in general. Another pushup. Glares at Cassandra. Two more half assed pushups. And suddenly Cassandra is saying I've done 15. No way I did 15, she's just fucking TIRED of wasting our time on something I clearly have no desire to do despite paying her 25 bucks a session for just that.

Where the hell did my motivation go? I'm not the only one struggling with this issue either. It makes me feel better to know someone else is wondering what the hell happened but I feel like a failure. My body can DO this, my mind is just not feeling it. At. All. In essence, I have just been going through the motions.

According to various theories, motivation may be rooted in the basic need to minimize physical pain and maximize pleasure, or it may include specific needs such as eating and resting, or a desired object, hobby, goal, state of being, ideal, or it may be attributed to less-apparent reasons such as altruism, selfishness, morality, or avoiding mortality.

This morning, I woke up with a fleeting thought of what I had decided last night. I will run 6 miles today. Despite not having done any kind of longish run since the week after my half marathon, I had decided last night that my body needed some shock therapy in the form of 6 fucking miles on a fucking treadmill (pardon my f-bombs but let's be serious they were necessary). On the way to the gym, I thought of what kind of workout I might do today instead of 6 miles. And the minute I hit the treadmill I said to myself, "Fuck motivation. I don't need it. I will run 6 miles without it." To me, it could have been the slowest 6 miles in the world. It. Was. Going. To. Happen.

And it did.

I ran 6 miles in 60 minutes while watching ESPN News, my gym crush pump iron and the random chick who looks like a duck do her version of a workout. In letting go of trying to find my motivation and JUST DOING it, I was able to in essence, get my motivation back. Something along of the lines of loving something and letting it go or whatever that saying is.

So tell me, what motivates you? Is your motivation ever-changing? What do you do when it runs off with your drive and desire?

You're Not a Slut If...

Welcome to the first round of You're Not a Slut If... kind of like You Might Be a Redneck If... but better because...well it's about sex. So clearly, it's better.

Anyway.

You're Not a Slut If... YOU KNOW HIS LAST NAME.




Obviously, if you were able to glean his last name then you put more effort into it. Let's be honest, SLUTS don't have time to learn last names. Plus their mouths are too full of dick to talk. Even if you managed to fuck him prior to knowing his last name, if you make the effort to find out before you walk out of the door then you are not a slut.

And he doesn't even have to tell you what it is. Feel free to rifle through his wallet, search for a diploma or listen real hard when he's talking to his friends who probably use his last name in salutations.

Today, I became not a slut with gym crush. Completely by accident I discovered his last name and I am damn happy that when we cheat I'll be able to google him. That's always important- the ability to internet stalk your sex partners.

How did I find out his name? Well, Gold's Gym had an issue with their internet so all their members were forced to sign in on a piece of paper. Luckily, I was running late to the gym and was able to scan the list for the Mike who walked in just ahead of me. Now, when I make my list, I can refer to him by his first and last name. Which is clutch to my Not Feeling Like a Slut strategy.

I Need a Drink..

It's only 8:29 am and despite my tweet claiming I was going to make this day a great one...I gotta tell you I made a big mistake logging onto AJC.com while the claims were printing.

As if I'm not embarrassed enough by Damon Evan's ridiculous behavior, now the NCAA has said they will be investigating my beloved DAWGS. Hot on the heels of a recruit at DAWG NIGHT being photographed by a blogger with one of our coaches, a party in Miami was allegedly attended by 45 college football players one of which TMZ and every sporting website out there is claiming was AJ Green.

I'm upset about the allegations being made in the first place but what is really grinding my gears are the comments under Tim Tucker's blog. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? And by these people, I mean UGA fans, Tech fans, random people not affiliated with any team, Bama fans, Florida fans... So much negativity is spouted off. So many people acting like they know what the fuck they are talking about when they clearly haven't got a clue. So much finger pointing. The blame game on in full effect. And yet, not a single iota of proof of wrong doing has been found yet. They just want to question some of the players and have asked that coaches, players and athletic departments refrain from commenting at this time. But don't worry, anyone with access to the fucking internet will feel free to comment. Below, a few of my favorites:

Thomp July 21st, 20106:33 pm
AJ close all those checking accounts! Put the money under the mattress! Pay cash for everything!

GT79 July 21st, 20106:52 pm
Ha Ha Ha…..Rumor has it that many UGA athletes were carousing with agents with red panties on…..Georgia football is such a cesspool……Go Tech…..we will kick your leg humping butts in Athens this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

makai July 21st, 20107:25 pm
Will someone give the Techsters their blog URL so maybe they will not be on ours. Wait—maybe there is no one on their blog so they have to go somewhere else. Maybe it is like high school or every Friday/Saturday night since college—4 lonely walls and a blow-up girl friend.

Alabama Communist July 21st, 20107:32 pm
More Breaking News On High Power NCAA 007 Investigation!
The Temp AD at UGA said today, it was not the NCAA that asked for access to the GA campus, but Homeland Security was the agency that inquire for access to the campus claiming that Muslin Agents were promising UGA players 77 Virgins if they sign with them……A Spokenperson with Homeland Security said if this was true, college football was funding the terrorism war by massive pep rallies and dumb supporters at the Southern Universities……..which flys into the face of Redneck Republican beliefs

Gail in Acworth July 21st, 20108:27 pm
Nothing that happens in Athens should surprise anyone. UGA is one big party school represented by semi-literate drunken thugs and goons, and the officials who work in the athletic office are no better.
The Cesspool of the South, a name that is richly deserved.

Ms. Chokesondick July 21st, 20108:34 pm
I seen all them Tech players at da pardie! It wudn’t hard to spots dem. Dey awl had calcalaters in der pocket pretectors and dey wuz talkin bout whut ordur dey wuz gunna use der condom in.

RobertHallGTsmackshos July 21st, 20109:45 pm
AJ was at the party!!!! several hos approached him and ROBERT HALL from GEORGIA TECH damn near beat the ho’s to death. Blood coming out of their mouths and nostrils. ROBERT HALL hasn’t been suspended yet. That’s OK, he doesn’t “RUN THIS STATE” and GEORGIA TECH players can really kick the crap out of women and fellow ACC competitors.

Jan Kemp July 21st, 20109:58 pm
They may never graduate, but we’ll make garbage men out of them. UGA, bringing in barely literate football recruits since 1970!

Micheals L.N.Y July 21st, 201010:08 pm
Where there is smoke, there is fire, red panties, and vodkatinis for all! I am amazed UGA can’t make it 1 week anymore without makingthe negative section of the national news…

GT79 July 21st, 201010:18 pm
You techies – you are the one that brought up penis envy……i am betting you can more than just imagine it……you pencil d*cked leg humper……your program is so pathetic. I cannot believe a half decent guy like CMR hangs around this cesspool of a school…….I am sure there are plenty of more Damon Evans types in your athletic program…..I am so glad to be a proud Tech alum and fan and not in possession of a piece of toilet paper with UGa printed on it.

BigCaliDawg July 21st, 201010:45 pm
I don’t know about the panties, but I bet Coach Johnson rocks a red bra.

GT for life July 21st, 201011:24 pm
I thought this was the convict blog-oh but it is-georgias most wanted

jim July 21st, 201011:39 pm
most asked question for uga players-whos the babys daddy

benny July 22nd, 20104:58 am
Well Gollllllllllllllly. Soopriise, soopriise, soopriise. Duh SEC roools agin. Dah pay em to play em SEC. I played at a major school and was thrilled to have a scholarship. The players are not victims. They are just greedy and the athletic departments are looking the other way. College fotball was once about sports. Now, it is like the NFL and not about sports. It is a business. The bottom line. Almost like wrasslin is a bidness and not sports. Must be Bush’s fault.

buzzforareason July 22nd, 20107:29 am
Hey did you hear the one where the Tech fan blew his head off after the latest UGA pounding? I did, it was hilarious. Bug parts everywhere.

buzzforareason July 22nd, 20107:30 am
Did you know the only panties a Tech man ever sees are his own moms?

Damon Evans July 22nd, 20107:52 am
why don’t we take em out drinking and hook em up with some white women…panty down…oops I mean party down

Joe Hamilton GT Great July 22nd, 20108:00 am
I hope no one brings up my DUI, hit & run, possession of marijuana convictions! And please don’t mention the GT athletes that have been arrested for rape and for physically assaulting women! Furthermore please don’t mention the fact that Georgia Tech recently came off NCAA probation for academic cheating involving 19 student athletes (11 starting football players) who had their grades raised so that they could remain academically eligible to play.
Please remember we don’t cheat at GT…LMAO

K-dawg July 22nd, 20108:22 am
lets clean up the program CMR! Kick AJ off the team and set the tone, send a message!.

I guess my main issue is we're living in America. Supposedly these posters live here and got some form of education (be it elementary, middle, high, ged, college...whatever). Last I checked, here in America we follow the ideal of INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. And yet, checking this message board it sounds like not only does that not apply to college athletes but also that it automatically allows for every idiot with a keyboard to make fun of you and apply any shit that went down in your program to this situation. Don't get me wrong, there were some people pulling facts from other sources and calling for intelligent conversation about what should be done, who may or may not have been there and how this affects college football as a whole. Those same people weren't making nasty cracks at anyone. I don't understand why people get on someone's blog and make nasty comments having no relevance to the actual topic. It really gets me worked up!

Am I the only one completely turned off of blogs based on the commentary of it's readers? It stings A LOT when the blog is about something that negatively impacts my school but add in the negative comments and I get PISSED!

Check Out My Old Boss!

How freaking cool is this?

Ellen is my one of my old "bosses" at Twist magazine back in the days I was interning in NYC. Since then she left that job and took a riskier one. Unfortunately for her, it didn't work out. Fortunately for US, it has turned into the very first blog I read EVERY day. I think you should do it too! Ellen is so real and down to earth. She talks about the good (awesome parties, cool gigs, celebs), the bad (living paycheck to paycheck) and the ugly (stuffing her face full of food, weird people at the gym).

Apparently, I'm not the only one as someone over at Vital Juice spotted the adorable Ellen and featured her on their blog! She talks about staying fit on a budget and her own workout routine. You can check it out here!

And now, a few of my favorite posts from Ellen's site:

You Might Be A Froyo Addict If

Quit One Habit, Pick Up Another. And Gain 5 Lbs.

Skinny Bitch Food Diary: Take 4

Characters at the Gym: Take 3

What is the Food Diary of Your Life?

Banana Facial FAIL

Me and John Corbitt. Chatting. On a Couch. No Big Deal.

Ellen Collis: Private Eye

Okay, actually there are a TON more I love but I'm a bit pressed for time as I wasn't planning this post. Just saw her link to it and wanted to share with all of you. Check her out and let me know what you think! Oh, and have any of you been in a magazine, paper, on tv or whatever for YOUR workout routine?

Ohhhhh Needs...Wants...Whatever

Cravings.

Everyone has them. Lately, mine has been for Diet Coke. Like I'm in the desert and I need the last drop of water or I will just DIE. Except I need Diet Coke. I have no idea why I want it so bad. But I try to stay away from it and I want it more. Then I end up spending 75 cents at a damn vending machine for a can that is not worth that but damn...when it hits your lips...whoa....so good.

The thing is...I'm scared of Diet Coke. And not just because it makes me bloated.

ASPARTAME.

Even the name sounds scary, right? What is it? Well, its the fake surgar shit they pump into the drink to make it so damn delicious. Also known as the methyl ester of a phenylalanine/aspartic acid dipeptide. So I decided to look it up. Because people were making me feel like I might die from drinking Diet Coke (dude, this is not the same as TAB people).

According to Wikipedia:

The artificial sweetener aspartame has been the subject of several controversies and hoaxes since its initial approval by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in 1974. Critics allege that conflicts of interest marred the FDA's approval of aspartame, question the quality of the initial research supporting its safety,[40][41][42] and postulate that numerous health risks may be associated with aspartame.

The validity of these claims has been examined and dismissed.[43][44][45] In 1987, the U.S. Government Accountability Office concluded that the food additive approval process had been followed properly for aspartame.[40][46] Aspartame has been found to be safe for human consumption by more than ninety countries worldwide,[47][48] with FDA officials describing aspartame as "one of the most thoroughly tested and studied food additives the agency has ever approved" and its safety as "clear cut".[49] The weight of existing scientific evidence indicates that aspartame is safe at current levels of consumption as a non-nutritive sweetener.[3]

So those rumors about aspartame being to blame for multiple sclerosis, systemic lupus, and methanol toxicity, causing "blindness, spasms, shooting pains, seizures, headaches, depression, anxiety, memory loss, birth defects" and death? Supposedly not true BUT the British government just launched a new study because people were claiming to have side effects from ingesting it. My question is how much fucking aspartame were they ingesting? I mean is a Diet Coke a day going to give me an inoperable brain tumor or the best fucking day of my life?

More links if you're interested and can read that scientific shit.

• Snopes
• DOR site (nice little conspiracy theory site)
• Aspartame Side Effects (from the creator of the Aspartame Detox program!)
• Aspartame Website (like the actual one...by the creators of Aspartame)
• Aspartame Kills! (Ummm and while I'm telling you about that, the guy who runs that site is looking for a good 4/4 violin for a young lady to play...what?!?!)

So, do you have things you just have to have? Have you ever looked up ingredients and stopped eating or drinking something because of something you learned?

Mark Your Calendars! Part tres!

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. BUT if I were to tell you what to do here is what I would say.

1. Wake up super early tomorrow.
2. Drive to your nearest American Eagle Outfitters. Wait outside with 100s of other people.
3. Try on some jeans.
4. Get free giftcard and smart phone of your choice.

Please and Thank you.

Barbie Runs and Berryfine!

Barbie and I attended a wedding this weekend and I have to say we both looked DAMN GOOD.

Check me out in my size 6 dress weighing in at 150lbs. And Barbie the Bridesmaid looks great too!

Why did I post this? Because I don't put enough of me on the blog. So there you go. Something to look at.

It's a Saturday Post...

BECAUSE....

I

JUST

WEIGHED

IN

AT

150 LBS!!!!!

I've lost 25 lbs since January!

Sex in the Park?

Don't mind if I do!

I got really excited about a story in the AJC about arrests made for random day time sex seekers in a local park...

Until I read the story that is.

Freebie Friday

Okay, really it's not free until August 19th but I'm sharing it with you today. Who loves you baby?

Anyway.

If you like buffets and pizza this deal is for you.

Location: Stevie B's
What: Free pizza for the first 100 visitors at each location
When: August 19th

Don't go camping out in front of Stevie B's people. The cardboard shit with cheese and sauce they pass of as pizza is not that good.

Move of the Week

Cassandra is the devil. I alternately love and hate her on a given day. The worst is always the day after I work out with her. Good Lord, I'm cursing her like she beat me with a whip or something. Anyway, today she was nice enough to tell me that despite all my bitching and moaning she is always impressed with my will to get it done. I give everything I have out there. Sometimes if I know I could have done a rep better, I ask her not to count it so I can do another one and do it right. As Cassandra always says "Last one, Best one". It's a goal I look to every time I work out with her. If you can put forth that much effort on the last round or last rep then you know you are working it. So, I thought to myself I might like to share some of the moves she has me do.

Today, we did side squats up and down a basketball court (3 times since we did 3 rotations), weighted squats on some crazy ass machine with my legs together, planks, crunches with a 10 lb weight, some rise from the knees to stand and press your arm up thing, and jump squats. The move that I shook during is one I will try to do more often so I'm calling it the move of the week.

Everyone has done some form of planks but this one was harder than any I've ever done on my own or in a class. Cassandra had me get on my hands and toes with a wide stance for both. Then she had me lower into pushup position (arms bent) and hold it for 10 seconds. She had me raise back up so that my arms were straight and hold that for 10 seconds. Then drop back down into push up position for 10 seconds. And back up. I think she would have liked me to do more but I was shaking and considering I would be doing it three times during the rotation, she decided 40 seconds was long enough.

The great thing is it worked my core (abs and back), my chest and my shoulders as well as my bum and legs. It is a total body move and will help me with other moves. I'm going to try to do it on days I don't meet with Cassandra so that the next time I have to do it I can go longer and do more! Try it out and let me know what you think!

* sorry for the lack of photos but my camera broke!

Atlanta Trying to Extend Drinking Hours

For those of you concerned I would have nothing to talk about on this Thirsty Thursday after my post about Eyeballing Vodka (if anyone knows someone who has done this...hook me up. I'd like to speak with them). Have no fear, Atlanta has helped me out with this tidbit of legislation on the move.

First, let me say, if you extend the drinking hours I might seriously DIE. There is a reason I have a gameplan to move to Vegas if I get diagnosed with a terminal illness and that reason is I will die within 365 days of moving there. There is a reason that GA-FL only happens once a year. There is a reason that I simultaneously cheer and jeer at night games during football season. That reason is...there is too much time to drink myself into a black hole. I'm not in college anymore people. Since turning 26 my body has made that abundantly clear with more frequent blackouts, lower tolerance and the overall hungover feeling that permeates my life for several days after binge drinking into the wee hours.

Second, how bout we work on selling booze on Sunday Funday before we work on extending the hours we can drink. Why can't I pick up a fucking 6 pack on my way to the lake? Why do I have to plan my sunday booze activities before Sunday rolls around to ensure I have supplies?

The fact is if you're drinking that late, you probably don't need to be out in public anyway. You're making an ass of yourself and should probably stick to spilling more beer than you drink during a flip cup game at someone's house.

“I am not a person who hangs out until 4 a.m. but I know plenty of people who do, and I think it would be good for the bars,” Sites-Bowen said. “With the downturn in the economy, bars need to be open longer. Alcohol, for a lot of these businesses, means a great source of revenue.”

Can we be real here for a minute? Extending the hours on Saturday to 3 am is not going to net a bar THAT much more money. Now Friday night's 4 am closing time might be worth it. Also, how unhappy are these employees going to be.

And who the hell goes out in the Englewood/Auburn area? I don't even know where that is.

Furthermore, bars have been closing at 2:30 am since 2003 when Atlanta decided our nightlife was out of control (my uncle was witness to a shooting at a Buckhead bar and still finds it unbelievable that I go out there). You really think Atlanta has matured that much in the past 6 years that we can suddenly handle that extra hour and a half? And think of the cops you'd have to have in the area. This whole plan does not sound very well thought out despite claims that the tax base would increase.

Edgewood still hardly resembles Midtown, Atlantic Station and Buckhead in their heyday. For every open establishment, there probably are five boarded-up ones, which Hall points to as potential businesses if his plan goes into effect.

Hate to break it to you, but this description of the locale hardly has me ready to hit the town in this area. Even if I wanted that extra drinking time, it seems like a scary area to be boozing in.

What do you think? Will you be hitting up Englewood/Auburn hotspots like Rolling Bones BBQ, Pal's Lounge and Black Lion Cafe if they extend the hours?

John Isner at the ESPYs

Awww my sometimes boyfriend (in my dreams) won an ESPY and is just a class act. Way to represent UGA Johnny boy.



And in case you missed it, how fucking cute is he on David Letterman?

What The Fuck?

I’ve already told you about Naked Chic and discussed who works out at 5 am at Gold’s Gym Lawrenceville. Today, I bring you WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THAT SHOWER STALL.

So, here’s the deal, I probably need to update the Who Works Out At Gold’s Gym so that I can include Locker Room Bitch but that will have to happen another day. Just know that She. Is. A. Bitch. End of discussion.

So we usually end up in the locker room around the same time and hit the showers at the same time. The set up at Gold’s Gym is individual shower stalls with floor to ceiling walls and a door leading out into the hall. So basically, if a door is open, no one is in it. If it’s closed…well, good luck figuring that out. I have actually stood outside a door with my ear pressed to it trying to determine if someone was in that shower or the one next to it. And yes, it got me weird looks.

Anyway, today I’m in the shower (pause while you pervs imagine it and the rest of you go ew get to the point). I’m just washing my hair, relaxing after a tough workout when suddenly I hear a noise coming from the stall next to me. Locker Room Bitch and I are the only ones in the locker room at this point so I know it’s her. It’s not really a bang but not really a tap either and it happens three to five consecutive times and then stops. Washing the suds out of my hair and it comes again. Using my favorite body scrub on my legs and I hear it again. By now, I’m kind of annoyed.

Look, I know a locker room isn’t exactly quiet. You got the TV blaring and some shit music that Gold’s Gym thinks makes people work out harder playing over the speakers. Add in someone blow drying their hair or a group class chattering away and it gets pretty loud in there. But the showers are off to the side and the individual rooms afford you some sense of privacy. You can hear the showers running but other than that you usually don’t hear the person in the stall next to you.

It’s one of my favorite things about the gym. I love to just stand there in the shower a few minutes in the morning and just stretch and relax and let the water work the tension out of my muscles. It’s pretty peaceful…until you hear the THUD THUD THUD THUD from the next stall. Not once, not twice but a total of 15 times while I was in the shower (for a total of 7 minutes tops). At one point I slammed my face wash down because I was annoyed my relaxation had been interrupted. I highly doubt that if she heard it, she gave a shit. I know it’s stupid but I just feel like you should have respect for others in the locker room- clean up after yourself, don’t hog the counterspace and keep your fucking noise to a reasonable level. I really don’t understand how anything you do in the shower* could make that kind of noise level at all. Was she shaving and trying to get the stubble off her razor? That’s what water is for people. Rinsing. Was she running low on shampoo and trying to get the last drops out? Time to invest in a new bottle. I know you make more money than I do so I know you can afford some new shit.

My question for you is WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE DOING IN THERE?

*scratch that, sex in the shower (when done right) gets pretty damn noisy.

Back to the Basics

Ever since I went home to Jersey to help care for my grandmother I have fallen off the healthy wagon. Tomorrow I am starting anew and I'm pretty nervous about it when I recall how long it took me to even get remotely healthy. I am in no way a healthy person because I like shit food wayyy too much to ever be that healthy. I like booze a lot too. Put me in a group of friends and have shitty food and ice cold brews and I completely forget why I was avoiding all three of those things in the first place.

Well, it's time to buck up and get it together. I started by going shopping today. With my limited funds I bought some lean cuisines, some strawberries, bananas, cucumber, tomato, milk, granola, yogurt and turkey. Also, I picked up my fish oil supplement. I know the lean cuisines aren't the greatest choice but over the next few weeks, I'm simply too busy to guarantee I will have time to cook or even want to cook. For now, I'm going to phase back into my cooking after I relocate to my new apartment. Since I don't plan on spending much time in the kitchen in the next few weeks, I've packed it up. So cooking starts back up the second week of August.

My goal this week is to get back to taking my vitamins. Right now, I take a multivitamin, fish oil, potassium, vitamin b-12 and vitamin d. On a side note, I really need to purchase a pill box- like the MTWTFSS ones. Like my gramps has. ANYWAY...

• Right now, One a Day Women's multivitamin is my multivitamin of choice. Multivitamins are great for everyone because most of us are on the go. Our diets aren't as balanced and nutritious as we hope even with all our efforts. A multivitamin (like a healthy diet) will boosts your physical and mental health and well-being.
• Fish Oil. I tried flaxseed but the taste is AWFUL. I don't care who you are. Fish oil is thought to help in reducing the risk of heart attack and coronary heart disease to combating depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. My blood pressure has been elevated in the past so this seemed like a good option to help regulate it. I want to avoid medication if possible.
• On the advice of my personal trainer, I added potassium to my regimin. Potassium also helps regulate heart health as well as nerve health. Potassium is GREAT for runners because it is an electrolyte that helps regulate water balance and assists in recuperation of the body.
• Vitamin D. This helps maintain bone health.The major biologic function of vitamin D is to maintain normal blood levels of calcium and phosphorus. Vitamin D aids in the absorption of calcium, helping to form and maintain strong bones. Recently, research also suggests vitamin D may provide protection from osteoporosis, hypertension (high blood pressure), cancer, and several autoimmune diseases.
• Vitamin B-12. I need energy. I am definitely not sleeping enough but I'm working on it. My metabolism (as does everyones as we age) is slowing down so I need the boost. That's where B-12 comes in. B-12 also helps maintain strong red blood cells as well.
  

So, tell me, what vitamins or supplements have you made a part of your diet? How have they affected you? Good or bad, I want to hear more!

*You can learn more about vitamins at http://www.vitamin-nutrition.org. Always make sure you consult a physician before you start supplementing your diet!

What the Fuck Wednesday

Ummm...okay, seriously?

I was on the bike this morning at the gym and glanced up from my ESPN magazine to catch the very end of a CBS Atlanta newscast about a dangerous new drinking trend. I literally stopped biking I was so appalled. And that is saying something considering I own a floating beer pong table, Sodudrinku, Shots and Ladders and various other drinking games I enjoy playing on a regular basis.

So what is this drinking trend?



Some dipshit trying it out.


A guy who obviously thinks this is utterly ridiculous but still demonstrating what kids these days are doing.

Okay, WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Am I missing something here? I thought the point of drinking to get drunk was for the FUN of it. You're supposed to enjoy being drunk. At what point is a burning eyeball full of fucking vodka (which already tastes like shit as it is) FUN? If you're that hell bent on "getting drunker faster" why not just get a needle full of Everclear and inject that shit right to the source? In fact, if you think that eyeballing will get you drunker faster it may be time to call Dr. Drew for some serious help because staying drunk 24/7 would have the same effect without the pain. Or the possibility of going blind. I'm all for blacking out (also dangerous but I won't deny doing it...more than I should), I adore the thrill of icing and I live for flip cup and die by beer pong but EYEBALLING VODKA is something I'm going to have to pass on.

Not that I won't watch if someone else does it in my presence.

Ahhhh Swimmers

Okay, I have officially decided I. MUST. SLEEP. WITH. A. SWIMMER. Where did this decision come from? Well, I attended my younger sister's swim meet and once I got past my feelings of being a pedophile creeper, I was able to truly enjoy the scenery. Holy Shit these boys bodies are BANGING. Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me this in high school and college? I would have spent way more time at the pool. (On a side note I must add swimming to my workouts. DAMN girls). Anyway, I was trying to remember the Olympics and what swimmer I had decided I liked so I googled and FOUND him. While it would be awkward and harkens back to one of the first questions I ever asked my readers, I could overlook that to sleep with this guy:

Aaron Peirsol. Oh hello Love. Seriously, I could get down with this guy easily.

Aaron is an American backstroke swimmer who was born July 23, 1983. Coincidentally, my brother shares his birthday. Weird but whatever. He is 6'4" and is widely considered the best backstroker EVER. He holds a bunch of records which is pretty damn hot.

Personal information about this hottie is limited to...well, nothing really. Which means I will be holding out hope for this smoldering look:

Must Buy!

Looking for sneaky ways to tell someone its time to get down? You know, because some people aren't as bold as I am. Have no fear, just pick up this awesome pad and a pen and you are set for some sexual shenanigans!

From the website:


While sex is one of our basic needs, the diversity of reasons to engage in it staggers the libido. Clarify your motivation with a checklist that indicates every reason possible for doing it, from actual desire to boredom to lack of self-control. Then clear off the kitchen table and let the fun begin! * A hilarious present for bachelors, bachelorettes, and significant others * Accurate whether you’re in it for love or money

Retails for $8. Thinking of buying me a gift? This is it. I love that you can pick the frequency and add things like Please and I'll Pay You. Best. Gift. Ever.

Separated at Birth?

Top: Jenny McCarthy. Bottom: Adam from I Am Boring. (hahahaha top and bottom. Yes my sense of humor is dirty but so are these photos. Pure smut I tell ya).

The Rap Crap Gang List

So, shortly after I started this blog it was my intention to post THE LIST. My friend Ness and I compiled this sometime freshman year of college and its a sort of sexual bucket list. The problem was, despite both of us having a copy of said list, neither of us could find it. Until tonight my friends! I'm in the process of packing up the apartment and just stumbled across it. Check out the bucket list tab at the top of the page. I will post the places we previously listed as well as any new ones that have come to mind since then. Notice something missing? Email me at mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com and I will add it to the list. If you have any crazy sexual stories you'd like posted to the blog be sure to email those as well! The plan is to link each of the places to any stories related to them so this will be a work in progress.

Enjoy!

XOXO

Berryfine

Adam is definitely NOT boring...and other odds and ends

Okay, I admit, I am FAILING my blog these days. In my defense I have a lot of shit going on. Plus I have the post- half marathon BLUES. Seriously, my body and I seem to be at war about what to do next. It wants to sleep and I want to rock'n'roll. Like do SOMETHING. Unfortunately, a pinched nerve in my lower back is preventing me from doing a whole hell of a lot. Which doesn't leave me much to blog about except...

Oh yeah, Adam of I Am Boring fame won a sweet subscription courtesy of ME and blogged about it. Let me just say, if Adam keeps up these types of photo shoots his site might crash and it will need to be renamed because it is anything but boring. His wife is a lucky woman judging from these photos.

In other news, yesterday was a big day for me. First, I had my first personal training session in two weeks. Whew it was like I had never worked out before. Drill Sergeant Cassandra put me through the paces and while I felt fine during and afterward...today? Not so much. Yeah, my legs and ass could really use a massage. I wanted to ask my gym crush to handle that for me but the gym doesn't afford much privacy for rub downs. Back to yesterday, I also signed a lease on my new apartment in Atlanta! Instead of being on the outside looking in, I will be on the inside looking out. Probably, I'll end up hating my decision but whatever the apartment is GORGEOUS. I will post pictures as soon as I move in (which is sadly like a month away).

Today I read Self (yes, I am a magazine whore) and found some interesting shit in there. It's like Self has decided "fuck it, these women will do what they want so why not spin it into some positives?" I like your style Self magazine. There might have to be a giveaway soon so you guys can adopt the same attitude. Heather, still waiting on a few pieces but the bulk of it is in and boxed nicely. Though I may have to decorate the box a la Pretty Whimsical. Way to step up the game!Anyway, some gems mined from the pages of this months Self:

• Fueling up with Protein pre-workout can speed up your metabolism (thank god for my GNC shakes. Maybe I should review those sometime for you people).
• Running seem harder for you and than for your pal?(ahem, Barbie) It's in your DNA!
• Check out there Self Healthy Food Awards. I just made over my entire shopping list.
• Anyone watch the Olympics? My love (I have a lot of them) Apolo Anton Ohno yawns A LOT before his race. Turns out, he's not just doing it as his own mental quirk to get prepared for a race. Brain scans reveal that yawning activates areas responsible for social awareness and feelings of empathy. The oxygen you take in during a yawn actually helps you stay focused!
• Healthy people have more sex and its better (ummmm because they are hotter? that's my assumption).
• There is a whole article about doing the dirty deed like a guy. Revamp your mentality about sex and your whole life will be better. I really like their advice to expect an orgasm every time.
• Looking for some honesty? Ask direct questions in a well-lit room and that's what you'll get.
• If you want to have babies, steer clear of the article on childbirth. The girls story is scary enough to keep me far from that ledge.

Also, I am going to make more of an effort to blog on the reg. Unfortunately, I am pretty ambitious about my blogging and the three separate blogs take up some serious time. If only I didn't have a job....

Oh Shit! We Got a Situation...

Yes, I just quoted "The Situation"...as in that douchebag from MTV's Jersey Shore who thinks he can rap for some reason. Yes, I love his song. It is so damn ridiculous and so many people can't even make it through one listen that I find it obnoxiously entertaining. Hey, you have Miley...I have The Situation.

Dear readers, please don't hate me for this but when I say, "Gym Crush and I are going to cheat on his wife." I'm just being honest. The body wants what the body wants. And fuck if I'm going to tell it that it can't have that hot piece of ass in it's bed if it wants it. Or anywhere else for that matter. What's that saying about opportunity knocking again?

Why am I telling you this?

Well, I took a little hiatus (as you could tell by my lack of postings) to go deal with some family shit and upon my return Gym Crush has been getting on the machines right next to me for his cardio workout. The gym is damn near empty, there are 200+ machines and he gets right next to me. And I can feel him glance over at me. A lot. I even caught him once.

And then today...BAM!

He has begun laying the foundation all cheatin' spouses lay, brick by brick like they are building model homes. It never fails.

Ashley Judd gets played by Greg Kinnear in Someone Like You.

That's right, he mentioned his marriage and how tired he was and how he almost got a hotel room last night instead of going home. Insert huge gasp here. I flat out asked if he and his wife were fighting...and he didn't say yes, but he didn't say no either. Masterfully played, he left me thinking he was in an unhappy marriage but too respectful to flat out admit he wanted out. How sorry I should feel for him!

"Your so easy to talk to. Not like my new cow."

"I just try so hard and I'm sure she doesn't mean to be such a cold cow."
-Greg Kinnear as Ray in Someone Like You

As if all of that weren't enough... this might be moving at an accelerated pace soon.

I told Travis that I was relocating and may not come to the gym anymore depending on my contract. When I ran out to the car to grab him a business card for the guy who found me my apartment, he apparently told Gym Crush I was moving. I came back in and Travis yelled, "Gym crush is sad you're leaving too!" (Obviously, he didn't call him gym crush) I started laughing and asked if he would miss me and he said he definitely would. I was probably glowing and I don't give a damn. I love feeling loved. Especially by an attractive guy.

He continues to flirt with me in front of a solid 10 people standing at the counter making it glaringly apparent. Sexual tension is just whipping around. He asks me how I'm wearing long sleeves and tells me he's getting hot just looking at me. I laugh and tell him he doesn't have to make shit up to tell me I'm hot. I already know it. He winks at me and laughs. Oh man, I. AM. IN. TROUBLE.

Gym Crush then tells everyone I carry a pillow and blanket around in my car so I can crash anywhere. I mean fucking YELLS it. So what if it's true? And why does he know this? I go to push him when I tell him to shut up and touch solid pectoral muscle. The kind that would feel AHHHHHMAZING in bed. Damn, not too hard but not too soft and definitely there. I'm getting wet at work just thinking about it right now.

Of course, this wouldn't be fair if I didn't tease him back a little. So I proceed to tell him I didn't need it Friday night when I was having sex in a cop car. Just to show him I'm kinky, you know. Like a bat signal for cheating.

Thoughts? Judgements? Advice?

Mark Your Calendars! Part dos.

Look! I'm bilingual. For all you dipshits who waited in line for spicy chicken, you'll probably want to consider dressing like a cow for free shit on July 9th. I'm not saying you have to. But it's right up your alley.

Click here for details.

Mark your Calendars!

Because you can get a 6 oz serving of QUESO from Moe's Southwest Grill on July 21st! Click here to find out how.

I swear I'm not being paid. I wish I was.

Confirmation! I really WOULD be superfantastic on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia!

Seriously, I got told this SO much while I was out of town! By people who do not read my blog or know of my desire to be on the damn show. I might actually write a letter and maybe have a petition signed to be on the damn thing. I'm a funny bitch. Sometimes. And I'm lazy. And I pretty much hate my life. And I'm selfish and these are all qualities that would allow me to be on the show.

The funniest part was we were in some random store in Boston and I was talking to my cousin and some guy overheard our convo (of which I have no idea what the fuck I said but I'm sure I was offensive) and started cracking up. Guffawing really. Okay not really, I just like that word. It conjures the image of a jackass with giant ears laughing. Now make it my face and you can laugh too. Braying really. Another great word for laughter. Maybe that should be a separate post. Am I ADD? Jesus.

I digressed.

Anyway, the guy followed me around the damn store and as I was about to leave stopped me to tell me I should really consider stand up and maybe a guest spot on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. My jaw literally hit the fucking floor. Are you for serious buddy? And he turned to two of his friends and was like "Am I right? Isn't that what she makes you think of?" And they both agreed with him. It was so strange to hear what I know in my heart to be true.

I am funny damnit. And completely inappropriate. And offensive. Ask my home girl Ally. I don't know how she hasn't slugged me for my slightly racist comments followed by backpedaling. Followed by, "Well, you're not really black anyway. You're like Puerto Rican. Or Domincan. Or something else." Which I recall being completely floored by in the first place.

Yes. Please and Thank You.



Just the life I've been looking for. And living. Without cameras.



I could think of stupid shit like this. Or make something better. For example, that damn Snuggie? It needs velcro or a tie to close it because when you sit in a chair and lean forward your back gets cold. Also, no more one size fits all. I swear to god if I trip over the damn thing one more time, I'll die. AND, why not some of those mitton things with the fingerless gloves cause when I'm typing in my snuggie my hands get cold. Last but not least, pockets. Where the hell does the cellphone go? See, I'm brillz. Or something.

Damn You Barbie

Please join me in wishing Barbie a huge, heartfelt Congratu-fucking-lations on her recent engagement. She bitches and moans about everything Kyle does but carats speak baby. And if early conversations over cheese dip are any indication Bitch is making me a bridesmaid for the 10th time. So fuck her for that as well.

In other news, I am 100% kidding and am very much looking forward to adding to my collection of "you can wear it again!" dresses.

* I will laugh my ass off if she rescinds her earlier request and tells me I'm not a bridesmaid anymore. And then secretly cry.