Hate Week

Okay, so I'm a UGA fan and this week is hate week. Below is an email I sent to my friend R about my thoughts on this weekend's game. Bear in mind I am currently hammered. Like at this moment. And I just hit send so at that moment too. You'd be hammered too if you got in a wreck with a Florida fan!

Okay, so by close of business I meant MY close of business which is...well, damn, I was going to say when I go to bed but that made me think I sounded like something you don't talk about on someone's professional email. Anyway, you catch my drift. After stopping at panda express I went into the kitchen to discover I have about 10 bottles of wine (and one bottle of champagne me thinks will be making a trip to Jacksonville). After a millisecond of contemplation, I thought to myself, why not indulge. It isn't every day you get hit by a car. Okay, in my case that is a lie, but whatever. I can't let 10 bottles of wine just SIT on the counter. That would be sacrilegious. Or something. Also, I have discovered I have a lot of songs on my computer I hate. But that is beside the point. The point is, two bottles down and I'm ready to write you a paragraph (or two apparently). So without further ado (but with some sort of grapefruit-pineapple-rum concoction that I just...concocted) I give you: Erin's Plastered Pick.

Dawgs win by eleventy billion. Okay, that's a lie. They don't but wouldn't it be great to just stomp it down their throats so hard and so many times that they...nevermind, work email. Anyway, I would love a reversal of our 47-7 loss a few years back as payback but what I am thinking will be far sweeter (if more likely to induce a heart attack or coma). I have concluded that the Dawgs will win... 21-17. I know, completely random. My thought here is that our defense will be sufficient but our offense is going to take it to the house. Because, obviously, Bobo has been practicing some screen shit the likes of we haven't seen all season (in the fourth quarter- I figure it will take three quarters to war, up. Okay one touchdown in the first quarter, two in the fourth). Christ I wish Joe Cox and his receivers could have stars align so they had fanfreakingtastic games on the same damn day. Also, I imagine we will for once master the two minute drill in a way that will leave Tim Tebow wishing he could go full time into mission trips or whatever the hell his daddy does. WTF is this home schooling crap? I am so confused by that- it truly boggles the mind that such a tool could be given athletic talent too. He's supposed to be an antisocial geek. And I firmly believe GOD is a UGA fan, not a Tim "the next toolbag prophet" fan. Anyway,I fully support letting them lead the entire f'ing game and then BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. I know I would probably denounce them half a dozen times during the game (when will we get this penalty stuff under control?) but I would love to hand the Gators a heart breaking defeat in the last seconds when they have already begun trash talking all over facebook, twitter and whatever social networking sites they frequent (match.com probably). I can just see them now, down for the first time the whole game, they push it down the field but cannot push Tebow over the goal line to break Herschel Walker's record (which is not broken for a variety of reasons- the most important being that they don't even belong in the same sentence let alone stratosphere) so they settle for a field goal figuring a thus far lackluster (with spurts of brilliance) performance by the UGA Offense (can the OLine please get their shit together?). Suddenly, Soulja Boy can be heard (and seen) coming from all areas inside and outside the stadium and 2:00 are on the clock. And FIRE. I predict last second touchdown by either AJ Green or Washaun Ealey (because I have the 24 jersey and that would be pimptastic). The end. Okay, not the end, the end will occur after I imbibe copious amounts of booze and discuss what is lacking in Florida fans anatomy. Ohhh the end is a horrendous hangover and a long drive home to GODS COUNTRY.

How's that for compliant?

Now, you're turn. But sober.

PS. I read and reread this a dozen times and spell checked. If it is f'ed up, don't tell me. I like to pretend I make sense when sober. May the slop be with you.