Are All the Good Ones Taken?

So, I play on a softball team and as we all know, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baseball players. LOVE (see my crush on Josh Beckett, my continued fucking of Penis Nano, my relationship with The Whatever and my one night stand with Batboy...). So obviously, playing co-ed softball is pretty much heaven on earth for me. Baseball players and incompetent buffoons who think they can play. Some hot, some not. But man put a bat in their hands and I'd do just about anything for them. It's a wonder that I'm able to keep my cleats on during the game!

Of course, this wouldn't matter if there weren't one absolutely ADORABLE guy on my team. Oh man, I thought he was cute at first but after watching him play a few games and chatting him up I was definitely HOT for the guy. Homeruns should be his middle name. Diving catches out of NOWHERE were a regular occurance for him. And lately, my regular activity has been STARING at him and taking it all in.

So, imagine my surprise, when, after a CRUSHING defeat in which I laid it all out there and did big things, I overheard this conversation.

Teammate One: You almost felt bad for her, thinking you were a lefty.
Hot Baseball Player: Yeah, I almost pretended to be one for her. And the first baseman told everyone I hit a homer before that.
Teammate One: Hell of a homer it was.
Teammate Two: Imagine her surprise when you dinged a weak hit to short.
Hot Baseball Player: Yeah she was real impressed. She told me she likes weak bats-
Teammate One: I got a weak bat for her.
Hot Baseball Player: She even touched my leg!
Teammate Two: What's your wife going to say about that?

Okay, look past the ridiculous commentary on two average looking girls who were impressed by my man's skills (oh wait, he's not mine) hone in on the last line. EXCUSE ME?!?!?! WIFE?

What the fuckity fuck fuck fuck is that shit? Why are you married?WHY WHY WHY WHY IS EVERY DAMN GUY I MEET MARRIED OR ON HIS WAY DOWN THE AISLE? Have I really reached the age at which every guy is going to be gay, married or come with the baggage of divorce and children? I'm not bringing little monsters, wedding bands or fetish for the same sex so why can't they be equally as perfect?!?!