Are All the Good Ones Taken?

So, I play on a softball team and as we all know, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baseball players. LOVE (see my crush on Josh Beckett, my continued fucking of Penis Nano, my relationship with The Whatever and my one night stand with Batboy...). So obviously, playing co-ed softball is pretty much heaven on earth for me. Baseball players and incompetent buffoons who think they can play. Some hot, some not. But man put a bat in their hands and I'd do just about anything for them. It's a wonder that I'm able to keep my cleats on during the game!

Of course, this wouldn't matter if there weren't one absolutely ADORABLE guy on my team. Oh man, I thought he was cute at first but after watching him play a few games and chatting him up I was definitely HOT for the guy. Homeruns should be his middle name. Diving catches out of NOWHERE were a regular occurance for him. And lately, my regular activity has been STARING at him and taking it all in.

So, imagine my surprise, when, after a CRUSHING defeat in which I laid it all out there and did big things, I overheard this conversation.

Teammate One: You almost felt bad for her, thinking you were a lefty.
Hot Baseball Player: Yeah, I almost pretended to be one for her. And the first baseman told everyone I hit a homer before that.
Teammate One: Hell of a homer it was.
Teammate Two: Imagine her surprise when you dinged a weak hit to short.
Hot Baseball Player: Yeah she was real impressed. She told me she likes weak bats-
Teammate One: I got a weak bat for her.
Hot Baseball Player: She even touched my leg!
Teammate Two: What's your wife going to say about that?

Okay, look past the ridiculous commentary on two average looking girls who were impressed by my man's skills (oh wait, he's not mine) hone in on the last line. EXCUSE ME?!?!?! WIFE?

What the fuckity fuck fuck fuck is that shit? Why are you married?WHY WHY WHY WHY IS EVERY DAMN GUY I MEET MARRIED OR ON HIS WAY DOWN THE AISLE? Have I really reached the age at which every guy is going to be gay, married or come with the baggage of divorce and children? I'm not bringing little monsters, wedding bands or fetish for the same sex so why can't they be equally as perfect?!?!

Baseball Season Has Begun!

Okay, so I know I've mentioned my gym crush and I swear I haven't hit stalker material (yet) but I've learned some tidbits about him through the weeks of randomly talking to him. Some are good (he likes sports- Cowboys, Red Sox-bleh, DAWGS; he owns his own business; he plays football on Saturdays; he's pretty much got tattoos on 50% of his body- I can't wait till it warms up and he starts taking the clothing off). Some tidbits are HORRENDOUS (he has a gf, his 7 day hiatus from 5 am workouts was due to a newborn baby...that belongs to him). It was one of those horrendous tidbits that reminded me that baseball season is around the corner. Okay, technically, for the uninitiated, it has already started with pre-season games all over the south but the season starts up in April and I am jazzed. I have an obsession with baseball players. Half the time I don't even realize the guy I'm obsessing over is or was a baseball player until its too late. The other half, I am actively going after these baseball players. Why did the horrendous tidbit remind me about baseball season? And for that matter, which one did?

Well, Mike the super attractive badboy at the gym had a baby girl on February 20th. His friend had said he was on vacation. Who, in their right mind, considers staying home for 10 days taking care of a newborn a vacation? Fucking idiot. Anyway, I approached Mike and made a joke about his slacking and he told me about his new baby girl. Who he named Beckett. Which I thought was a cool name. Then, as I was driving down 316, I realized he had named his sweet baby girl after a Boston Red Sox pitcher! So I decided to Google this guy...and I am totally planning on banging him somehow. Allow me to introduce you to...

Josh Beckett

Wikipedia tells me Joshua Patrick Beckett (oohhhh love the name) was born May 15, 1980 in Texas. Which pretty much makes him the ideal age for me. 30-year-olds kind of have their shit together. Or more than I do. A little Red Sox Trivia for you: Josh Beckett became the first Red Sox pitcher to hit a home run in 35 years — since the advent of the designated hitter rule — when he took Phillies' pitcher Brett Myer's deep during an interleague game on May 20, 2006. He did it again that same year in June against the Phillies. Bonus points for that. Apparently, he gets quite the A-list casting for his leading ladies as he's been linked to Alyssa Milano, sportscaster Leeann Tweed (wtf kind of name is that?) and country singer Danielle Peck. The latter he had this to say about when he was asked about her singing the National Anthem at the World Series:

"I don't get paid to make those fuckin' decisions...She's a friend of mine. It doesn't bother me at all. Thanks for flyin' one of my friends to the game so she could watch it for free."

Nice, he doesn't kiss and tell and he drops the f-bomb casually in conversation. I might be in love. He is a big Texas A&M fan and apparently owns deer hunting property. Which kind of freaks me out. Also, that dip in his pocket is sooooo not attractive. But whatever, he wouldn't be the first guy I had sex with who dipped (in fact, I'm trying to count right now and I am unsure of the number...)

And as if the down-home boy routine wasn't enough for you, Josh has his own foundation. In order to raise money for it, he releases wines creatively named after baseball stats and players. The foundation supports community programs to help the disadvantaged, sick and disabled. He also holds a bowling competition to raise money for kids in New England and his home town in Texas called the Beckett bowl.