Dear Wes Welker

Dear Wes Welker,

I might just be in love with you. I'm not sure you understand. The blog has been supremely heavy on photos of men I'd like to fuck lately but that won't stop me from sharing this picture with my readers:

Holy fuck me please?!?!

Like can we be real for a minute? How much of this is photoshopped? Because I AM LOVING IT. The bomber jacket, the ball handling, the piercing blue eyes. Oh and don't even get me started on how that scruff would feel when you kiss me. Good Lord, what do I have to do to get you to give me the time of day?

And lest you think it is only your body I am lusting after... posts like this one from Barstool Sports really get me going as well. Hot and Humble? Does such a combination actually exist? A side note: dude, you're fucking your contract up. Knock it off.

And then there is commentary like what I have added below. Look, I know you should take the high road and stick with the ball talk but let's be honest: REX HAD THAT SHIT COMING. And, personally, I like your style. Your sense of humor shows intelligence. As does the apology you gave afterward saying you know better. You, my friend, are a class act but that won't stop me from showing my readers the video anyway:



Seriously though, is there anything wrong with you? Because if not, I am going to starve myself skinny, hunt you down and make you fuck me (but it won't be like forcing you cause you'll want to, right?). Also, if that chick Anna Burns you are allegedly "dating" gets in my way don't think that will stop me.

XOXO,
Berryfine

PS. I am digging this photo as well.

How the Prospect that Wasn't a Prospect moved from Ego Booster to Prospect

Without getting too maudlin, I had to go out of town this week for a death in the family. You know how they say there is always a silver lining? Or that love bites you in the ass right when you stop looking?

Ohhhhh look, he's texting me right now.

Anyway, a while back I examined my gaggle and though I didn't know it, I had an ego booster on my hands. I referred to him as the 70s throwback and that is still pretty accurate but things have changed a bit. Quick recap: he lives in my hometown, drives a car from the 70s, wears ridiculous clothing from the 70s, 80s and 90s (like a soft rock radio station in the flesh if you will) and I met him through friends. We talk constantly (via facebook, text and phone) and he's just like become one of my best buddies I guess.

All that changed with a photo text and a death in the family.

You see on NYE, homeboy shaved his full beard and mustache (resulting in my calling him Babyface) and went to a party. The picture he text me made me realize holy shit there is an attractive guy under all that 70s shit. So not only is he funny and incredibly intelligent but he's also hot? I know it sounds vain but whatever I want to want to wake up next to a guy every day so he needs to be attractive in some way.

When I had to head to NJ for the funeral, the person I thought to get in touch with was my Ego Booster (because you really need an ego boost when you lose someone). He entertained me with texts on the LOOONG (14.5 hours to be exact) trek north and on Friday night picked me up to take me out on the town. After two solid days of family...completely sober...I needed alcohol and friends and The Ego Booster did just that.

I got hammered.

And he made sure I got back to our friend's house. He made sure when I passed out on the couch that I got a bed upstairs while the party continued downstairs. I woke up in the morning surrounded by a cocoon of warmth and with a slight hangover. But after thinking back on it, I realize there was no sense of panic. I didn't wonder where I was or who I was with or what I did. I knew I was with him and I was okay. That is a hell of a feeling to wake up to.

And suddenly, on the drive back to my dad's I found myself wondering if my Ego Booster was more than an Ego Booster. Perhaps, he had turned into a viable option?

I spent Saturday night (soberly) hanging out with him and his friends and had a blast while he got drunk. Sunday we spent the day and late into the night texting. Monday, the day I was to leave, he came and picked me up and what I thought was just two friends going to grab breakfast together had turned into the Ego Booster buying my breakfast. According to a mutual friend, even just Friday night was out of the norm for him as he NEVER picks anyone up. Twice in three days hardly seems like a coincidence.

The only awkward moment was at the end when he went to drop me off after breakfast. I would have lost it that weekend had it not been for him. Saying good bye to him hardly seemed adequate. And when I leaned in for the hug I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if I leaned in for a kiss, too? For a brief moment, our eyes connected and I think we both wondered but I broke the moment with a hasty goodbye so I guess I'll never know....

Hump Day Hotties

Sometimes, quite by accident, I stumble across someone on facebook and use my internet stalking to discover they are actually well-known by other people. That thing happened while on the hunt for this Hump Day Hottie. Meet Tribble Reese who has a Wikipedia that indicates he played college football. No he models or is attempting to here in Atlanta. I'd say, judging from these photos he has a good shot. Apparently, he is 6'3" which puts him at the perfect height in my world.

I'm giving him a 9 out of possible 10. There is just something about him that looks douchey meaning in the Kill, Marry, Fuck realm he'd be a fuck not a marry. Your thoughts?

Hump Day Hotties

I don't know how the rest of you are faring but in Atlanta, the city has SHUT THE FUCK DOWN. Meaning I'm alone. Horny. Watching Porn. Thank God for this blog and searching for hot pieces of ass to share with you or I'd be bored as fuck.

Say hello to James....and ask him to cuddle the warmth back into you with his insane arms (have I mentioned I have a thing for arms?). This Southern boy living up North knows a thing or two about the cold and could punch his way through a snow drift to get to you if he needed, too. Plus, he's presentable as fuck in that suit!

Ladies, what say you? I give this guy a 9. I wish I could have found a shirtless picture but if his arms are anything to judge by, I'd say he's got you covered in that department as well!

Twitter Tuesday

I know it's been a while since I did a Twitter Tuesday for you guys so I'm taking a break from a 12+ hour work day to troll Twitter for funny people. You can thank me later.

Check Out: @SassyPantssss
Bio:  I'm a cardiovascular technologist, exercise physiologist, whogivesafuckologist... Nothing nice to say? Come sit by me! Unless you're a cranky fuckwad.


My favorite Tweets:

• @4_petesakes61 I might tweet like a total cunt, but I'm actually very NON confrontational IRL. I think I'm gonna do the same as you would.
• When you see a stolen tweet in your TL, do you call them out for being a plagiarizing fuckstick or simply unfollow?
• Getting ready for work is so much fun til you realize it was all a dream & you've slept through your alarm again.
• Perhaps my bio should include a warning about the risks of applying my tweets to a sand chafed twat.
• I'm gonna create a list of followers called "borderline unfollows if they don't stop with the fucking football tweets."
• Some1 unfollowed me for my anti football tweet. I feel bad knowing his vagina weeps for the shitty team he was cheering for.
• My neighbors don't seem to understand my dog follows commands better when they're preceded by the words "Hey asshole!"
• I'm gonna go build a snowman. Wait. Did I say snowman? Oh well... I'm sure you know I meant snowcock.
• I just checked out who Twitter thinks is similar to me. I dunno who I feel more sorry for... me or them?
• How many times are you supposed to say "bless you" when someone sneezes before you're allowed to punch them in the face?
• My favorite jeans have more rips & tears than a labor & delivery ward.
• You know who doesn't give a shit about the place or time? Bowels.
• Why do people say "red head?" I think they mean "orange head." Or "fire crotch." (Goodbye orange haired followers).
• Watching my boss fail to get his tiny catheter into a woman's huge vessel sure explains why his wife is such a stabby cunt.
• Some asshat didn't wave after I let him thru so I ran him into a ditch. Feeling much better about the situation now.

WTF?!?!?! I'm not a Capricorn?

Blah blah blah, some bullshit...blah blah blah the sign you were born under isn't correct. WHAT?!?!?! Ummm rewind. According to bunches of news sources, some astrologer is telling us we aren't what we think we are. I, for one, am upset. This is worse than finding out Pluto isn't a planet anymore (which, coincidentally, is up for debate).

So previously, I was under the impression that I was a Capricorn. Strangely enough Wikipedia doesn't have any section devoted to the qualities. WTF?
You are a tireless worker, to the point of self-martyrdom. You'll do any and all work assigned to you, so that you can impress your superiors and gradually move up the ladder. You will eventually gain more and more status and wealth, but it takes a long time. That's okay with you, though—you've always understood this.

Chances are, you come from a poor background—like the baby Jesus—and you decided early on that you would work as hard as you could to improve your standing for your family. In fact, you have an innate fear of poverty, so much so that once you've achieved a rank or two in the world you will fight to the death to keep it.

This is also in keeping with your far-thinking approach to life, as determined by the slow-moving Saturn. You plan, plan, plan. You save, save, save. One would think you a dour person for all this work, but you have your moments of joy— after all, the words saturnalia and bacchanalia apply to you, and both define wild abandon.

You probably already know a lot about sacrifice. You were the one who stayed up caring for a sick relative when you were a kid, instead of playing with your friends. You're the one who keeps the family together, in fact, when members drift off. You're the glue, the controlling force in this world. Without you, it would simply fall apart.

Similarly, you have a great sense of tradition. You respect what you've inherited, and you believe in cherishing it and handing it down in the same state or better. Be it a grandparent's locket or the oral history of the family, it's safe with you.

Like your neighboring signs, Sagittarius and Aquarius, you are proudly intellectual. But you're not as argumentative as a Sagittarius. Yours is a quieter wisdom—if you know you're right, you don't believe you have to get into an all-out war just for the show of it. The truth will win out.

For this reason, you make an excellent teacher. In fact, you see the world as very structured, and as you gain rank in the system, you believe in teaching those below you. If you are a teacher, you're probably very strict. It's not due to malevolence, just a strong sense of tradition, of wisdom, of right and wrong, of the merits of hard work. 


Now, according to the new dates(Dec 17-Jan 20), I am actually a Sagittarius. And here is the description:

Sagittarius is the sign of the zodiac mainly concerned with philosophy, higher education and global thinking. It is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion, benevolence and luck/fortune. Individuals who have a strong Sagittarian influence are typically interested in expanding their horizons through traveling abroad, learning foreign languages, or immersing themselves in unique cultures. These individuals thrive on higher education; once they find a subject(s) they’re passionate about, they will search relentlessly for more answers and more information to build on what they know. They are also fond of ethics, as it appeals to their philosophical nature and is a subject that is so contextually dependent that they’re skilled at being flexible in applying sound philosophical observations to complex situations.

Because Sagittarius is a mutable sign, they are generally very adaptable philosophically because they seek to understand the world from a higher perspective and are perspicacious in finding higher meanings through their varied encounters. They tend to be optimistic and have a great capacity for faith, as it is this good-natured faith that usually plays into their fortunate endeavors. They are not usually known for their reliability (unless they also have a significant Capricorn influence) because their attentions have a tendency to be scattered.

Sagittarius is a fire sign, which imparts a fiery enthusiasm that shows through their (blunt) sincerity, honest convictions and drive for independence. They enjoy adventures and are partial to the great outdoors.

Can I be honest here? I actually don't think I like either description now that I looked at it. So fuck it, don't ask me my sign on a date because you will not like the rant that ensues. 

Why Cougar Town is Ruining My Chances at Love...

I love, love, love Cougar Town. Which I think I made pretty clear when I featured them in the Sex Song of the Week (sidenote: We need to bring that back). The problem is I think the show might be ruining my chance at love.

Why?

I want a Grayson, damnit. 

Not just because he's fine. There is more to him than his exceptional looks. He is endlessly patient. And funny. A little quirky. Hard shell, soft inside. Can laugh at himself. But has a sensitive side, too. For instance, this episode of Cougar Town is what started this mini rant.

Jules is a fucking neurotic, crazy bitch. Who the hell could get away with throwing out the love word and still have a boyfriend? One who lets you babble on about fucking doves mating for life. And then you name them Grayson Dove and Jules Dove. And it's fucking cute that Jules did that.

If any of us ran over a squirrel, wrapped it in our boyfriends brand new cashmere sweater, took it to a vet and insisted he treat it and when that didn't work, capture another one in a cage to free just to make your boyfriend feel bad about not caring as much as you do we'd be dumped quicker than we could even get to the second item on that list. 

So then...on top of all this, fucking Grayson actually DOES feel bad after she suddenly decides this is all God's way of telling her that she and Grayson are too different. So bad, that Grayson finds a way to appease Jules AND tell her he loves her for all the cul-de-sac to hear.

WELL DAMNIT. I want that. I'm nuerotic. Not as cute but neurotic. And semi batshit crazy. I want someone with patience who can make me feel better but still be super sexy and laugh at himself and tell me I'm an idiot.

But, can we be honest? That shit doesn't exist. I have yet to meet a Grayson and I'm blaming Cougar Town and other rom coms for making me think that my love life can be wrapped up and topped with a bow in less than two hours time.

I also want to look like this naked but let's be honest, that shit ain't happening.

Sign Language

This is a language class I can get behind.



If she didn't get an A, our educational system is fucked.

4 inches

Dr. Oz is on Oprah RIGHT NOW (is this an old episode? I have no idea). Anyway, something he said caught my ear and now I have another goal for 2011. According to Dr. Oz, your waist size should be 1/2 your height. So at the maximum, at 5'6" my waist should measure 33 inches. THEREFORE, I HAVE TO LOSE 4 inches. I can still worry about weight but now my goal is those inches. Boom.

Have you measured your waist size? Are you in proportion?

By the way, according to Dr. Oz, a smaller waistline lowers your blood pressure (due to the decreased pressure on your kidneys) and, for the men out there, increases penis length (I guess also for the women to benefit!).

This is me... Day 4

After celebrating my fucking 27th birthday by myself over a bottle of fucking two buck chuck and half a bottle of nyquil, I figured Tuesday I'd go to work hung over. Nope. Tuesday came and went with me experimenting with my extensive for a broke bitch liquor assortment. Wednesday? No dice. Thursday....not looking promising.

Wordless Wednesday

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Happy 27th Bday! Welcome!

Want to know what I got for my 27th birthday? Membership to the AARP... 27 is the new 50?

Hump Day Hotties

I'm feeling some love for a musician (in fact, check out his band B Syde Alliance) so this week's Hump Day Hottie is a singer-songwriter straight from the Jersey Shore. He's got a wicked sense of humor, a heart of gold and a nice set of pipes. Meet Shaun and as a bonus I included videos of the band. Cause I'm so damn generous like that.

You know I went searching for shirtless photos of Shaun, who has some sweet tats, but he removed his Costa Rica pics from facebook. That's a half point deduction right there Shaun. I'm giving you an 8. Ladies, score him from 1-10. And don't forget to submit your pics to mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com

Day 2 of Snowed In

 I don't know if I have mentioned it but I cannot cook. Mainly because I don't particularly enjoy it. And I get easily distracted by a lot of other things like TV, a magazine, cleaning something up. But the past two days I have been stuck in my apartment. Aside from trudging through 6 inches of snow to Publix and an hour of sledding with my friend Erin and her boyfriend and his friend, I've been cooped up. Yesterday I didn't work out at all. Today I did some weights workouts and two exercise dvds. I also cooked up a storm. Seriously, I cooked. It tasted delicious. ANDDDDDD, I actually ENJOYED IT!

My birthday breakfast- my first attempt at French Toast!

It's my birthday and I'll have breakfast for dinner if I want to! Chicken omelet, toast and southwestern hash browns.

Today's project- baking double fudge brownies.

My Dinner Tonight- Chicken Nachos and a margarita

Now, granted, none of this stuff is probably incredibly difficult but for someone who heats shit up in the microwave, I was pretty damn impressed by my culinary attempts. I had to use vegetable oil and combine ingredients and pay attention to what I was doing. And these things more than made up for the burning of grilled cheese and my first attempt at using milk for tomato soup!

Anyone have any easy recipes for me to try? I'd love to make them, take some pics and share them with the rest of my readers! Because you know if I can make it and I enjoy it, then it must be easy!

WTF Atlanta?!?!?!

27 Things About Me You May Not Already Know

In honor of turning the ripe old age of 27, Monday Musings will be about me. And 27 things you may or may not know about me after reading this blog. This is going to be tough, I just know it.

1. Whenever it is my birthday and people wish me happy birthday on facebook, I always make sure to thank them individually. So I end up feeling like my fingers will fall off because so many people want to wish you happy birthday on facebook. The worst is thanking someone you don't even really talk to. All you end up typing is Thanks but I like to think you took the time to say Happy Birthday so I ought to take the time to thank you for doing so.
2. I have lived in two states- New Jersey and Georgia. I consider myself the best of both worlds but honestly, I fit in more up north. You southern people just cannot handle my sarcasm or intolerance for stupidity.
3. I have been in 9 weddings. Only one of those have I been the Maid of Honor. And I still have at least one more that I will be in: Barbie in 2012. I am rallying for Groomsman since she got me a babysitter (aka Matron of Honor) but she's too "traditional" for that shit.
4. My apartment looks like Tailgater's Alley threw up UGA gear in it. My mom and I have a competition to see who can collect the most UGA shit but I'm clearly the winner and always will be. The front room will be my UGA room once I get a few more frames and get shit organized. What do I have? Here goes: the Florida-Georgia Rivalry Football Vault, the Georgia Football Vault, handpainted wine glass, handpainted pilsner glass, handpainted shot glass, handpainted martini glass, a rubiks cube, UGA hot sauce, UGA pasta salad, two UGA chips and dip trays, dozens of UGA ornaments, a UGA fan, Saturday Shrines (Sanford stadium is on the cover), UGA trivia book, the 1920 Varisty football team photo, UGA football wine glass accessories, 20 UGA shirts made into a UGA blanket, two UGA snuggies, a UGA football helmet painting (I painted it), two pairs of UGA sweat pants, UGA gloves, two UGA sweatshirts, 6 UGA t shirts I actually wear, a Knowshon Moreno jersey, two UGA pile ons, a UGA frog, an Athens dishtowel and a mini Hairy dog. That's just off the top of my head. I know there is more but the list is getting long.
5. I am an expert stalker. Via the internet. I figured out where Tony Gonzalez lives based on a photo he posted on twitter. I discovered the basic information of my gym crush using the internet (he does not have a facebook and has a very common name) and can now tell you the name of his wife and child, where he works, what he does and where he lives. Also, what kind of cars he drives. I am very observant. Combine that with the internet and you're fucked.
6. My favorite movie is Rudy. I wanted to be Rudy as a kid. I have a Notre Dame sweatshirt and up until I left for college they were my favorite team. I even went to the Notre Dame- USC game the year after I graduated college. It was at USC so my next goal is to go to a game at Notre Dame.
7. I have not had more than the 7 basic channels on my tv since my sophomore year of college. I have an extensive movie collection and pay to have Netflix. Hulu is my best friend when it comes to watching the shows I like.
8. My freezer currently contains patron, soco, jack daniels, vodka frozen peppers and onions and hash browns. Yes, I need someone to come cook for me. And yes, I may be an alcoholic.
9. I have two degrees. One in Literature and the other in Journalism. I am not using either degree for anything. And it shows in my blog postings. I settled on those degrees after realizing that I would not have to take any math courses in college to get these degrees due to the fact that I took college statistics in high school. Therefore, if you ask me to add, subtract, multiple or divide anything off the top of my head I will not be able to do it.
10. I subscribe to Interview magazine, Maxim, Fitness, Self, People, Shape, Entreprenuer and ESPN the magazine. I might even get more than that. And I love Playboy magazine for the articles. And that's not a lie.
11. The only glasses I have in my apartment are glasses I have stolen or won from bars. I have glasses for Laughing Skull Pilsner, Sweetwater Brewery, Flying Dog, MGD 64, Brooklyn Brewery and Shiner Bock to name a few. I also have a few other drinking related glasses from sorority events and how to make this drink glasses. 
12. I am slightly obsessed with taking pictures. My mac is not working at optimal speeds because it is run down with pictures. I'm having to delete any I've already printed (I have a scanner so I can scan them back in if I need to).
13. I am extremely lazy. I might get hungry and want to pick something up but if it requires more than one stop light or crossing over a high way or making a left turn to get in or out, I will probably not be picking it up. And I don't do delivery because it is more expensive since you have to tip the driver. Cheap and lazy.
14. I have WAYYYY too many friends. So many that sometimes I don't see them for months at a time because I am too busy. Someone is always getting married or having a birthday and I feel like I have to be at every one of these events.
15. Speaking of birthdays (and Christmas), I hate these things. Because I get super stressed about the gifts. I hate the idea of you buying me something cooler/more expensive/ more thoughtful than I did. On the flip side, I hate it more if I bought you gifts from the Loft and you bought me a iTunes giftcard and wine glasses. I would have gone cheaper had I known we were gonna be like that.
16. When I'm hung over I want two things: diet coke and chinese. Also sometimes chocolate milk and hashbrowns covered with a ham and cheese omelet.
17. I cannot cook. Okay, I can somewhat. I can make pasta, cook chicken in a skillet, make slice and bake cookies, make chicken teriyaki, omelets, and, as of this morning, french toast.
18. My mom took a scant 15 minutes to deliver me. I was two weeks late and almost born in the elevator. I was clearly impatient and ready to get wherever the fuck I was going. These traits have stuck with me- I am perpetually late and I'm always in a rush and impatient to get where I'm going. Sorry to Atlanta drivers who have encountered my wrath on the road. But seriously, stay to the right if you're slow.
19. I can't dance. I have no rhythm. But my favorite thing to do is have naked dance parties at my apartment. Of course, the mirrors are in the bathroom so I can't see it and the lights are off so the neighbors can't see my uncoordinated shadow.
20. Despite growing up at the beach, I cannot surf. I can lie out with the best of them though. And I can snowboard. My home town was great because I lived 5 blocks from the beach, an hour train ride into the city and a 3 hour drive to the nearest slopes for snowboarding. Now I live 6 hours from the beach, 6 hours from snowboarding and in a city that's a pain in the ass to get around. Damnit.
21. I hate hate hate cleaning. But I am the messiest person ever. Which means that even though I am social, I rarely have people over. I'd hate for them to see this shit.
22. My mom brags to people about me. Some of the funniest shit is when we go out together and a guy will approach us about having a drink with him and they'll try to show off how much they drink. My mom warns them (with a note of pride in her voice) that I can and will match them drink for drink and drink them under the table. They never listen. They regret it later when they are puking in a toilet while I take shots with the bartender.
23. I have not thrown up from drinking since I was 22. I also haven't had a serious hang over since I was 24. I drink more now in one weekend than I drank then in an entire week. I will die of liver/kidney failure. Or stumble into oncoming traffic one day.
24. My favorite food is wings. I can put down 20 wings without blinking. The hotter the better. The best wings are from Amici's in Athens- honey XXX. The heat hits you after the fact and it is a scorcher. 
25. I would love a job that let me work from anywhere. I would travel a lot if that were the case. I want to see new cities and hang out with my friends from other states more often than I do currently.
26. I love concerts. I went to my first concert (Music Midtown) as an 11 year old with my mom. Coincidentally, I also got high for the first time that same day. Second hand of course, my mom is not an idiot. I try to go to at least  3 a year. The best one was with my friend Dave- we went and saw Bruce Springsteen. It was like a religious experience. The crowd was electric. I couldn't even name all the concerts I have been to since I was 11. I usually buy my brother and sister tickets to a show for Christmas and/or their birthdays each year. I've also taken my mom to a concert for her birthday in the past as well.
27. My mom is awesome but she's probably wanted to murder me numerous times. For instance the time I went into school and drew a picture of my weekend. Which included going to dinner with my parents and brother. My parents split a pitcher of margaritas. I drew them drinking pitchers and pitchers of beer and told my teacher we were there for HOURS. Imagine stick figures sitting at a table with pitchers floating in the air above them. Cause that is what I drew. I ended up having to go to lunch time therapy sessions where I drew my feelings. Defax came to our house and did an investigation followed by two years of spot checks before anyone even realized I was 8 and had exaggerated the whole thing. I was a story teller even then. 

It's My Birthday! And You Win!

Today is my 27th birthday. I have mixed feelings about it. I don't look how I'd like so it's a daily struggle to remind myself I do weigh 10 lbs less than I did on my 26th birthday so I have that going for me. And I'm not doing anything with my life that I thought I would be doing at 27 but I have to remind myself that it'll work itself out on a time table that may not be of my own making.

This morning I woke up and am snowed in. I'm also sick so the likelihood of me running or enjoying the snow is pretty slim. I very rarely hate living alone except when I'm stuck in my apartment and can't leave. Then I wish I had a roommate to play scrabble or yahtzee with. I know this doesn't look like much but you can't see the 6 inches from my porch (zing! That's what she said!) or the ice covering the streets of Atlanta. The whole city has pretty much shut down. Cause I make it snow on my birthday.

In honor of my birthday and the fact that everyone goes out and buys milk, eggs and water (because if the power goes out the first two will be very helpful) I decided to make myself breakfast this morning: French toast. It was my first time and it turned out really well! It's good to know I can cook some things (last week was teriyaki chicken yum!).

But you aren't here for all that shit. You're here to find out who won the iTunes giftcard. Which I used a very scientific method to determine. If you followed directions, you got a certain number of entries for each thing you did and told me about in the comment section. Then I wrote out your entries on sticky notes and folded them. Here are the entries:

And here is the winner:

Ms. Boyd come on down! Shoot me an email with your address at fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com and I will send this right out! Thanks to everyone who participated and stay tuned for another give away in February!

Also, an update- week one had less running than I hoped but still had exercise and better eating than normal. Last Monday I weighed in at 166.6 and today I weigh in at 163.4 which is a 3.2 lb loss!

1st Annual Freeze Your Thorns Off 5K

Adam, of Boring Runner fame (whom I think we all know I am mildly obsessed with), threw a Virtual and not so virtual race yesterday. Since it's been a while since I really ran for time, I thought to myself why not sign up? Plus, Adam was going to give shit to people for running. Seemed like a win. Sometimes you just need some motivation.

So, after getting some errands done, I threw on some Nike capri running tights, my Nike jacket, my Nike gloves, my Train Like a Girl sports bra, my Nike socks and a race tee and got ready to head out. (Sidenote: if I say Nike enough, will they sponsor me? Or send me stuff to review? Or hire me as a consultant?) My Garmin worked on the first try (score!). It was a nice 42 degrees and I had carbo loaded with a jalapeno cheddar bagel. I was GOOD. TO. GO.

I picked a route I knew was 3.1 miles and also happened to be relatively flat. It's my first 5K since August when I ran with my Dad in the Sea Girt 5K and the Virtual 5K for Boobies (which got pushed to September if I remember correctly). This time, I wasn't hungover and it wasn't hot. So actually it was the opposite of the last 5K I ran.

And to make sure I could actually do what the race entailed, I didn't shave my legs all week. You know, so I had some thorns to freeze. Har har har, I'm so funny and disgusting at the same time.

Some thoughts from my race:

• In the first mile I determined where Falcon's player Tony Gonzalez lives after viewing a picture he tweeted on Friday. Homeboy lives around the corner from me but in a MUCH nicer building. Yes, I am a creeper. Yes, I will determine things no one should know utilizing the internet, my own gut and runs. Guess I know what building I'll be running past a lot more.
• Holy wind. What. The. Fuck. It was like someone had their hand on my chest pushing me back. Like when football players have to push around the tackling dummy or some shit. And I thought it would get better after I hit the 1.55 mile mark where I make the turn but in the opposite direction it was somehow fucking WORSE. I didn't even think it was possible for wind to blow in multiple directions at once but clearly it is.
• On the run back I realized I had totaled 3 minutes at stop lights or cross streets and altered my route a little. Thus making it a hilly 1.5 miles. Damnit. Piss poor planning.
• One whistle, three hey you! nice ass shouts and 5 honks. That was record setting considering the mileage.
• My current playlist blows any previous playlist out of the water. I just wanted to RUN FAST from the get go. Which scares me.
• My route ended at a park. Which meant I was still over a quarter of a mile from home and unable to just collapse in a pool of my own sweat on my hard wood floors. Instead, I had to just stop in the middle of the park and walk with my hands above my head. This garnered weird looks from people hanging out in the park. And also the attention of multiple dogs who decided I must be fun to play with since I run and they run too!

I hoped to hit the 30-31 minute time for my 5K since I have done very little running since moving into my new apartment (though as temps rise that is likely to change. that and my Christmas present). Also, I've been sick the past week so I was kind of nervous about this run. But Luau told me he beat Swine Flu running so I had to give it a shot. Imagine my surprise when I finished in 29.48! Not my fastest time but faster than what I was aiming for! Also, no pictures from this neck of the woods because I look like I feel like shit after being sick all week. Lo Siento little ones.

Don't Forget! You have mere hours to enter to win an iTunes gift card!

Afternoon Delight...

Even the local pizza joint knows me well....

Service with a Fucking Smiles

Dear ERIN,  We hope you enjoy your special day. We truly appreciate your business, and we look forward to another great year. Wishing you a very happy birthday!

My birthday isn't until Monday, and I could use some kind of, i don't know, monetary present from them but I give them an A for effort.

Side note, how does one become an annoying as shit cheerleader for a national company? I bet this bitch makes bank.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

So I logged into facebook last night and was just, you know, routinely stalking my exes and future lays checking up on my friends and how they were doing in the world of facebook when I noticed a friend (and huge crush) was tagged in some pictures.

Of which were titled YO DOMINOS IM IN THE HOT TUB... and I'M ENGAGED!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Turns out, my gut was right when it gurgled it's initial response. Crush is now engaged.

I had always secretly harbored a hope that after dental school, crush would return to Atlanta and bump into me downtown. We'd lock eyes across the room and then catch up over a beer or two. Eventually, he'd get my number. We'd hang out and then date and then he'd propose to ME not some cow he met in college and has dated off and on long distance since starting grad school.

Where the fuck is my ROMCOM damnit?

What I've learned about food this week...

• There are not enough hours to cook meals every day. I don't know who people do it.
• Flirting with the guy at the counter will get you a free donut at the bagel shop.
• The frozen bag of bell peppers and onions is THE SHIT. No more fresh veggies for me unless I have to bitches!
• I can go to a pizza place and be semi healthy. So long as they serve it by the slice. Last night, my boss and I worked until 8:15 (putting in an 11.5 hour day) so she sprang for dinner afterward. She took me to a nearby pizza joint and I found the most delicious pizza ever. Feta, artichoke hearts, olives, sundried tomato and spinach. WHOOOO. With a side salad. I felt so empowered making a decision like that. One slice and a side salad. Having your cake and eating it too!
• Tonight I cooked dinner (without burning the house down). Please see below for the building blocks of my Teriyaki chicken and rice with bell peppers and onions:

So I haven't run every day and I haven't eaten like I hoped but I have done better than expected. The weekend will be the real test for me. Yesterday was the only day I did absolutely nothing. This week, I've lifted weights twice, rode and bike, run and done the elliptical plus some pilates. Hopefully tomorrow I get another run in.

What have you learned this week? How are your resolutions going?

Don't forget to enter to win an iTunes giftcard! Remember to comment on what you've done (just becoming a follower doesn't get the entry- you've got to tell me about it!).

Drunken Sexy Time

I've already admitted to a propensity to get rip-roaringly drunk and fuck my friends. The key word here is friends before any of you randos start getting any ideas. I've been asked repeatedly about Lucky Charms since mentioning him in conjunction with this so I'm going to do my best to piece together a night I have half forgotten and half denied for some time.

Lucky Charms and I were friends in college. In fact, I really didn't know him that well at first. All I knew of him could be summed up in this one sentence: he and my college roommate made out one time by a lake.

Slowly, after breaking up with The First, Lucky Charms and I began hanging out. During this time, we'd get incredibly fucked up and I would watch in amazement as he brought home A-Level talent to bang for as long as he like (a few one night stands, a few month-long flings). I mean here was a guy who weighed at least 15-20 lbs less than I did and was tall and gangly with angular features who was bringing home girls who were Playboy's local talent level caliber pieces of ass.

I began telling everyone that he had Lucky Charms in his pants for that was the only explanation I could think of. He was in a frat, got high and drunk every day and seemingly had no real aspirations beyond the next fuck.

Fast forward to 2009, he is living in Charleston with a solid job on the fast track to management. He'll have his pick of where he will go with his career. He's working out, has a sweet dog and is not quite the manwhore he once was. One of our mutual friends and I decided to go spend Valentine's Day weekend in Charleston for a visit and we have a blast. A few of our other friends happen to be in town as well and we just get drunk, act silly, cuddle and generally have a great time. No worries about makeup or clothes because there wasn't time for it.

He came into town a few months later and got royally pissed off when I refused to travel the hour to meet up with him. The day before he was set to leave, he called me and basically begged to see me. So i threw on some clothes and headed to Athens (scene of a majority of my drunken hookups). At the time I had no intention other than going to see some buddies I hadn't seen in a while.

The night took a dramatic turn for the weird, crazy,utterly fantastic sexual after a few shots.

You see Lucky Charms and I have always been pretty flirty. Touchy feely. People always assume we have had sex (an exact opposite of the assumptions about me and Dr. Pothead). At this point we hadn't but a long walk home in some dangerously high heels would change all that.

Somewhere along the hike we ended up way far behind the rest of the group. My memory is hazy but I think I had to stop and take off my slutty platform heels so I could actually walk at a pace faster than a crawl. The rest of the group kept going but Lucky Charms, gentleman that he is, stayed behind and even carried my shoes for me. We were joking around, acting silly and somehow ended up holding hands.

At some point, I must have teased him about how his lucky charms hadn't worked for that night because the next thing I know, he grins and says:

"That's what you think."

Before SLAMMING...I mean SLAMMING me into the wall and kissing the hell out of me. The kind of kiss they talk about in romance novels that you always wonder if they really happen? Yeah, that one. Just pushed me into the wall, dropped my shoes and ran his hands up and down my body.

Thinking about it now has me turned on.

We must have made out against that wall for at least 30 minutes. And, man oh man, it is still my top kissing moment ever (and I've had some crazy ones).

At some point, one of us (I'm assuming him) came to our senses and we headed back to the townhouse we were crashing at. Where the pals were nice enough to leave us the guest bedroom...

Where, I'm assuming we got it on (judging from my patent-pending sex test) because I woke up with no pants on at about 8 am.

And I flipped. I snuck out of there as quickly as I could find my shorts, shoes and purse (which took far longer than it should have). I was so lucky no one woke up to me leaving. I ended up texting him 30 minutes down the road and saying something came up at home.

To say he was pissed is putting it mildly. Looking back at it now, he was probably hurt. What kind of friend spends the night fucking you and then sneaks off like a thief in the night. Or maybe it's the romantic in me hoping that my slipping out without so much as a good bye broke his heart.

Which could be a direct result of his last visit and the ridiculous Christmas texts I have yet to share with you...

Hump Day Hotties

I've been giving a lot of love to the Northern boys in the past Hump Day Hotties so I decided to switch it up and give you a Southern boy. He's got a sweet name, Topher, is into music and has questionable taste in clothing. But whatever, everyone has their faults and if you bag this gentleman I'm sure you could take him shopping somewhere that doesn't sell Ed Hardy knockoffs.

Look Topher, I'm not trying to be a bitch but if you're going to post shirtless pictures on facebook I'm going to need you to hit the gym. I'd fuck you, if I was drunk. Why? Because sober I'd feel like a beached whale next to you. I'm giving you a 7. Ladies?

The Career Booster

So I was trolling my favorite love site, WTF is Up with My Love Life, when I saw the gaggle list to the side. You know, I've reviewed my gaggle with you guys before but that was so 2010. So today, I reread the list they had on the sidebar and realized I've added to my gaggle in the form of the Career Booster.

I started a new job in October and it has been HELL. An awesome hell as I'm doing things I never thought I'd be able to do but hell nonetheless. Enter Vendor Boy (who is slightly offended I call him that). Vendor boy works for an insurance company we do business with and he is my go-to guy when I don't know what the fuck I am talking about. Which is frequently. He lives half way across the country but he helps me out tremendously. So much so that when I sent out Thanksgiving cards from our company I included an extra special thank you to him for his help. Basically, at the current time I would not have a job if it weren't for him.

Why do I say this?

Well the business we do with them is pretty complicated. Especially for someone like me who majored in journalism and is now working in finance. I know this might come as a shock to you but I do not fully understand anything I currently do. Enter vendor boy with his unending patience for my ridiculous questions and his sense of humor to help me get through every crisis I seem to encounter (and there are multiples of those of my making). Plus he sends me goodies. It's so nice getting presents from a guy (as pathetic as it sounds since it's my vendor).

But my favorite part about Vendor Boy? The way he answers the phone when my number pops up. Like he is genuinely happy to hear from me. And he always does his best to cheer me up and tell me I am good at my job (when probably we both know I'm not).

Stay tuned for an update on Lucky Charms, another delicious member of the Gaggle!

Monday...day of Procrastination

I went to bed early last night in hopes of getting a solid 8 hours of sleep (I did). But when the alarm clock went off, I checked the weather and saw 27 degrees. YIKES. No way I was getting out of my comfy bed and going for a run. First mistake right there. Yes, I need to know the temperature to prepare for my run, but I need to get up and move before I ever check. This way, I am already up and might as well get going. So, then I told myself, I would work out at lunch. Yeah, then my boss and her kids showed up and needed some stuff done so that went out the door. Then I thought to myself, I will work out after work. Nope, my vendor called to chat and I had a story that I was late turning in so I worked on that. By the time that was done, I was starving and in no way focused on a work out. So I came home and made dinner. Popped a dvd in and decided today would be one of my days for wight lifting.

Tomorrow, I have to get up a RUN. Sheesh.

In other news, I'm just broke enough that losing weight might not be that difficult as I won't be able to afford food for the month. Today I had a bowl of oatmeal, a PB& J sandwich, the last of some crackers and some pasta. Oh and an apple. No veggies. Maybe tomorrow.

How are your resolutions going so far? Any tips for getting my ass out of bed and into gear in the am?

NYE 2010

You know it's bad when this picture gets posted for the party you attended for NYE and you actually wonder if it might be you....

Only to discover, it cannot be you because you don't wear classy things like pantyhose. Or carry a clutch for that matter.

An Atlanta Thrasher for You

How old is a cougar? And how young can she date?

I was once told it is acceptable to date down to 1/2 your age plus 7 which for me at this moment in time (because I get older in a week) is 20 years old. Which means this guy I just discovered while sitting at the Thrashers game is totally acceptable for me to boink:

Not surprisingly I cannot locate shirtless pictures of him. WTF? Must be that whole playing on ice thing. Anyway, say hello to Thrashers defenseman Zach Bogosian. Who I got really excited about until I realized he was only fucking 20 years old.

Also not surprisingly, his wikipedia has almost no information on him. Whatever, I will continue to fantasize about him whenever I damn well please. I may even become a puck chaser.

Hello 2011

Going from Fat 2 Fab has not gone as well as I hoped since I began this 2 years ago so here we go starting over AGAIN. I keep hoping for an epiphany that really sticks but people can I be honest here for a minute? Of course, I can. If I wasn't you'd be annoyed by me. In all honesty, you hit a point where you're like well I worked hard for a while and didn't have much to show for it and I really want that fucking large pizza with pepperoni and jalepeno's. If I'm not going to be skinny when trying to be healthy I might as well be fat and enjoy myself. And I have hit that point, despite still weighing 10 lbs less than I did at this point last year (175 1/1/10 v 165 1/1/11). Maybe it is turning 27 in a week but I'm just frustrated I haven't found something that works for me that I, with my lack of discipline, can stick with. Anyway, pity party over. Here we go again:

New Year's Resolutions:

1. Run 4 days a week at the minimum
2. Eat at least one serving of veggies and one serving of fruits a day (this will be the hardest)
3. Get 8 hours of sleep a night
4. Lift weights at least 2 days a week
5. Blog more!

So, you're turn. Tell me what your New Year's Resolutions are!

Also, since no one really participated in my last giveaway and the hat thing hasn't occurred yet because I blew the money on sporting events (which I will share with you in future post), I have a new giveaway! I got an iTunes gift card for Christmas and need some new running tunes. The winner of the giveaway gets a $10 iTunes giftcard to buy their own music with! To enter:

1. Become a follower (1 entry)

2. You're already a follower? Cool (2 entries for you)

3. Tell me about your New Year's Resolution (1 entry)

4. Tell me your favorite running song (1 entry)

5. Share this giveaway on your blog, facebook, twitter, whatever (1 entry)

6. Become a follower of me on facebook (2 entries)

So there you have it- tons of opportunities to win this giftcard. I expect a lot of love for this giftcard. And by love I mean, comments. Because I thrive off the comments, yo! You have until January 9th at midnight to enter. I will choose a winner on Monday, January 10 and announce it in that day's blog.