Life in Shambles Exit Letter*

Dear Human Resources,

Well, homeslice, I'm out. Like a fat kid in dodgeball. Except I'm kind of fat and it would take a while to get me out in dodgeball cause I'm quick and shit. Reflexes like a cat. Anyway...

This is long overdue. I heard a rumor about exit interviews but I'm too chicken-shit to do this in person and not bold enough to do this via email and whiteboard. Anyway, word on the street is that companies like to know why you are leaving your job, what you liked about it and what you disliked about it. So here goes.

Why am I leaving this awesome $13.50/hr job?

Money, bitches. I do a lot of work (sometimes. Okay like Tuesday and Thursday). For example, scanning people's work to them requires the patience of a saint as the scanner dislikes doing what it is supposed to do. I have to retrieve the work from the printer and then look it up on the spreadsheet and separate it according to who needs to do what. Then, I have to battle the scanner to get the people their work. Then I have to file it away in a drawer so that my supervisor can request I rescan things months later, multiple times. Because she deletes everything I send. Or because she can't figure out how to read mail that has already been opened. Either way.

Speaking of which, dealing with my supervisors is worth at least $15/hr without having any work at all. One of them is a control freak who thinks everyone is a mind reader. The other one, I swear doesn't work. And there is no way her degree really came from Cornell. Otherwise Andy Bernard truly exists and I'm working for Dunder Mifflin. Come to think of it...

Also, I'm bored. Truly bored. I work in the office by myself. I scan, I stuff, I write off, I reply to emails. The only bright spots in my day are speaking with patients about their insurance. I highly doubt this is their bright spot. Especially considering I spend 20 minutes bullshitting them because I have NO idea what happens with the information I gather for the client. Supposedly it resolves problems but best I can tell the client just calls the patient again and asks the same damn questions. Which really is slandering my good name. I wish I had thought to leave my supervisors name when I spoke with them so that when they complained they used her name instead of mine. Lesson learned.

What could you guys do better? Well, I doubt you care as you sold the company for a ton of money to the client. Which apparently you were required to do because they can't be your only client and you refuse to get more. Which doesn't make sense to me but whatever. Anyway, my job was pretty pointless. If you just assigned one of my tasks to each employee in the company, you could save $13.50/hr. It doesn't take THAT long. Some days, I stretch it out so you think I am busier than I am. In reality, I'm reading a lot of blogs. Sometimes that shitty paper AJC. Other times gossip over at NY Post. Speaking of which, thank you Google Reader for allowing me to read all those blocked sites!

Also, I'm pretty sure you're aware of the fact that I just took this job to stay off unemployment. I feel confident that you know I was never truly invested in this company's success other than the fact that my Mom would have been pissed if I didn't do well here since she, too, works here and my brother already fucked up her standing by lying on his time sheet.

And another thing! I am not too keen on your handling of the you paid me wrong situation. WTF was up with you trying to say I owed you money? I'm still not entirely sure you don't owe me more than you gave me, but damnit I'm tired of trying to work this out and the extra $1300 is better than nothing I suppose. Plus now I don't have to deal with contract taxes. Which I had to pay last year so that's bullshit. You really did screw me in every way possible.

Ummm I guess you're wondering about the good. Well, I had a job. So that was good. You paid for my internet and phone. So that was awesome. I got to work at home on Wednesdays which I will miss at my new job. Free coffee was a plus (I loved that Milky Way Swirl thing. Damn I need that machine at home). Sometimes I got free lunch during managers meetings just for being at work. So that was swell. I talked to my mom every day since no one else knew how to answer questions. I'm sure she appreciated that a lot (or not). I guess it was good that I could spend the day reading and pretending to work and you paid me. That's pretty sweet (perhaps I have found my calling. Anyone out there looking for a professional reader?).

Anyway, I just wanted to say Thanks for the job. And for making it difficult as fuck to get paid. And I wanted to wish you luck as you merge with the client. I have a feeling it will be a disaster and lucky for me, I get to hear all about it without actually being there to further get fucked up the ass. But don't worry, I'm sure I'll be just as miserable as you as I attempt to navigate this road called life and learn to live with a broken dream of doing a job I enjoy.

All my best (and worst),
Life in Shambles

*Of course, I didn't really send this. I sent a nice email thanking them for the opportunity. Maybe I should post that as well. Just so you can laugh at how small my balls really are.