Pick-Up Lines part uno

I just stumbled across a book from Maxim (weird, who knew their subscribers could actually read) in my Dad’s bathroom and I just had to steal it to share with you. Side note: calling it a book is being generous. It’s like 20 pages stapled together with a laminated cover. And it’s from 2000 so you know it’s gonna be good.

Maxim’s Put-downs, Pranks & Pick-Up Lines is actually a bit of a letdown but since I know we’ve all been wondering where the boys out there get their lame-o pickup lines, I thought I should share the answer. The male version of Cosmopolitan magazine (in fact, published by the same publishing company and they share deets back and forth at an alarming rate) is just as misinformed as its female counterpart. Before I share these horrendous pick-up lines, please note the Senior Writer for this gem is a woman.

1. “Can I be your slave on your next day off?”
2. “Aren’t there any child labor laws in this business? What are you, 14?”
3. “You look like the Statue of Liberty holding that tray way up high. Can I call you Liberty? Hell, can I call you?”
4. “Your boyfriend is the luckiest man in the world. But are you happy? Call me.”
5. “I’m Steve. Have you ever dated a Steve?”
6. “If you were a booger I’d pick you first.”
7. Him: “Where you talking to me?” Her: “No.” Him: “Oh. Would you please start?”
8. “This tastes almost as good as you look.”
9. “Hey, we have something in common. I’m rich and you’re beautiful.” (Recommended for guys named Rich).
10. “Does your boyfriend tell you how beautiful you are every day? ‘Cause if he doesn’t, I will!”

Ummm, it should also be noted they asked three bartenders to track pick-up lines used on them in the course of 3 weeks. Clearly some of these are situational. I give Maxim props for recognizing they are so bad but not for tacking on they’re good as an afterthought.

What’s the best pick-up line you’ve ever gotten?

Daily Weighins?

If only the scale told me what to eat.

How often do you weigh yourself?

I ask this because I weigh myself on a daily basis and people are always appalled by this. Reactions vary from “Wow, you’re anal” to ohmygodshehasaneatingdisorderwhoamigoingtotell?

Here’s why I do it I used to weigh 175 lbs at my heaviest. To get there I wasn’t weighing myself at all (clearly) nor was I using my clothing as an indicator of my weight gain. In fact, I just bought new clothes anytime an event came up so I didn’t have to worry about mine no longer fitting. Why wasn’t the size I was buying an indicator? Because like He’s Just Not That Into You I made excuses for my clothes.

Oh the sizes here run small.

Oh it’s the cut of this design.

Oh it’s just because this fabric is so revealing I have to go up a size.

I would go through health kicks that generally lasted a month or two during which I would weigh in once a week and write the weight down.

Then I would bounce right back to 175.

Weighing myself daily holds ME accountable for MY actions. Like keeping a training log, keeping track of my weight allows me to see what works and what doesn’t. It’s a good measure of my life. Weight goes hand in hand not only with what you’re eating but also with how much sleep you’re getting, if you’re exercising and whether you are stressed or not. So, to me, when I get up in the morning and weigh myself I am seeing a true indication of where I am at currently. Before the day has begun and I’ve eaten or worked out or even had time to stress about something, I can see how I’m feeling.

The past two weeks have been stressful and I’ve abandoned my weigh ins. I’m back up to 157 because of it (and the eating and exercise, too). This morning I woke up weighed myself, went on a run, came home and showered and turned on the TV. Dr. Oz was on and he gave 4 tips for easing off 10 lbs. One of which was to weigh in daily! He said you needed to do this so you can pat yourself on the back when you’re doing well and see when you are doing wrong and make the change.

Tell me, what are your thoughts? I know this isn’t for everyone but I’ve found it works for me personally along with how far or how fast I’m running and a number of other metrics. It’s one of the tools I utilize to keep myself on track. Do you weigh yourself at all or use another method to gauge where you are at?

Thoughtful Tuesday

Tuesday feels like Monday. Monday is Monday Musings. So because Tuesday feels like Monday...thoughtful Tuesday shall commence NOW.

• Why is everyone flipping their fucking lids over Boise State beating Virginia Tech? First off, it's the ACC. Which is like the Diet SEC so simmer down folks. Second, it's the first game of the fucking season. Per usual in college football, anything can happen. If it were the night before the decisions were made for the bowls I could understand some freakout. But it's not. We'll get to a what if scenario if and when it happens.
• Still looking for a job. Every insurance company out there seems interested in me selling for them. At least that is what their automated emails tell me. They also seem to be sure I want to do this judging from their assuming I will be at an interview at such and such time on such and such date. Pretty presumptuous if you ask me.
• I am OBSESSED with Todd Grantham. He was FIRE at the game Saturday. He'd rip into the players when something went wrong and fist pump up and down the sidelines when something went right. He is the complete opposite about showing his emotions when compared with say... the stoic Mark Richt.
• Question I LOATHE the most: "How is the job search going?" Okay, why do people ask this? If it was going well, I'd have interviews at least. If it was going great, I'd have a new job already. Otherwise, its going shitty and I'd rather not be reminded of it. Seriously, think about how you would feel if you were at a dead end job that never managed to pay you on time and struggling to find a new job. You'd hate having people ask it and it makes you feel like the biggest LOSER ever. You'll know when the job search is going well when I post I HAVE A NEW FUCKING JOB.
• On that note, I have an interview today. All that bitching for nothing...and now I'm too lazy to delete it. Let that be a lesson to you.
• I was bored last night. And I don't have cable. So I got sucked into Bachelor Pad. There are two couples I was down with and one of them got sent home. That pissed me off. I'll probably watch it again next week just to see who wins. I hate that about myself. Even when something sucks, I end up watching to the end just to see how it all shakes down.
• You know when your parents told you not to open credit cards? Make sure you listen to that. And if you're a parent, show your kids the WHY. Don't just say it. And maybe show them what to look for in a credit card and what it all means before they head off to college and try it out on their own. Because they won't listen. Trust me on this one.
• If you have daughters, teach them to cook. They should not only be able to make pasta and omelets when they graduate. I don't care if they hate it, they should know how to cook so they don't feel incompetent when they are planning bachelorette parties or invited to pot lucks. They also shouldn't set the smoke alarm off every time they cook or light their apartment on fire cooking shrimp.
• References suck. I know from being people's references and from needing to find references. You can't guarantee someone isn't going to say something the person asking is going to like. Essentially, your job prospect is in someone else's hands. And even people who SAY they will give you a good reference won't always. Also, why have all the jobs lately been asking for personal references. I have NO idea who to put down for that.
• My neighbor's cat went on a RAMPAGE last night at 12:30 am. I don't know what he/she was sleeping or sitting on but she hopped right down and then ran from one end of the apartment to the other for a solid 30 minutes. I swear she was running right into the wall. According to the IT guy at work, Jamie, this is pretty normal for cats. Note: if you have a cat, consider a ground level apartment for the sanity of your neighbors.
• I watched GPTV last night. It was about the Kennedys. And I fell asleep to the end of it meaning I had insanely weird dreams. Do I remember them? Of course not. But I woke up thinking I was in Texas so clearly I was at the assassination just prior to wakeup. I have a weird obsession with the Kennedy family that stems back to my childhood. Apparently nicknaming it Camelot really spoke to the girl I once was. I actually have a book from the 60s about him that I used for a report in third grade which I thought was AWESOME.
• I cannot focus on work knowing I have an interview in an hour and a half.
• Cram time. Catch ya laters.

MY Virtual 5K for Boobies Race Report!

So I ran my Virtual 5 K Friday morning at 5 am. I wore my bright pink shorts and light pink tank top (you know, because pink is the color of breast cancer awareness). The weather was BEAUTIFUL. Nice and cool out, light breeze which was helpful during the first part but the second part it was pushing back at me. I chose an easy out and back route from my apt to the mall which had some small, small, small inclines. Things about this run:

• Ihop was hopping- people latenighting in the parking lot at 5 am while I was out running. Clearly Thursday night had some parties that were raging! They all looked at me like I had 10 heads. If I were that drunk and saw some homegirl huffing up and down Peachtree I'd be thinking she was crazy too.
• Ran through an unexpected puddle. Okay, expected because it was in front of the church which had sprinklers going. Unexpected because it was DEEP. So my right leg was covered in water for most of the run. The shoe squeaking might have been more annoying than the moisture.
• Had an old man on a bench yell out hey gorgeous not once but twice. And the guy stank to high heaven. You could smell him a block before you saw him. On my way back, I thought he had left the bench but then I smelled him and realized I had gotten excited before I'd reached the bench he was on.
• Time was 29:40. Not my best time but considering I haven't raced since the first week of August, I thought it went pretty well!
• While on the run, I decided since we had so few contestants I was going to change everything up. So if you donated, be sure to send me your address (even if you didn't run) so I can get each of you a little sumpin sumpin. If you did run, don't forget to email your race reports to fromfat2fab2009@gmail.com!

While everyone else is gearing up for college football...

Broke ass life in shambles is attempting to get her apt in order! Slow and steady...

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Five Things Friday

This won't be a normal thing. I'm just doing it because...well, because I want to use bullets damnit. The end.

• Stress is making me want to eat my feelings. This does not bode well for the 100 day challenge (which I haven't updated in a week so I will do that today).
• I've been doing well on my workouts this week. This morning I ran my Virtual 5k For Boobies. Did you do yours yet?!?!
• My mom is getting me a Garmin for Christmas. I can finally be a REAL runner. I'm gonna be so damn confused.
• I love Trader Joes. I walked there from my apt last night and spent 13 bucks on two bottles of wine, hummus, pita chips, and flaxseed chips. I briefly considered dark chocolate as well but I reined myself in. And I said I had no self control!
• I am running the first run with Team Challenge this Saturday! I'm not fundraising this time but I thought I would use them for motivation AND maybe show them some moral support. And love as I just covered them for my Charity Writing!

What are 5 things you are feeling good/bad/indifferent about?!?!

My Dreams Could Come True...

When I was a wee young lass, I had dreams of being a professional athlete. This was probably due to the fact that my father decided to bestow upon me the title of "favorite son" after my brother demonstrated a propensity for falling flat on his face any time he attempted to put one foot in front of the other (resulting in 4 "dead" front teeth in case you were wondering). From that point on, Daddy and I spent Sundays watching football where I would pick teams from the comfiest spot in the house- his lap- while eating potato chips and drinking soda (in Jersey everything is not COKE). This was often followed by WWF (I had stretch Hulk) and in the offseason NASCAR. On my 10th birthday, I got my first Starter Jacket which I wore ALL. THE. TIME.

Until I was 13 I figured I would be the first female to play in the NFL. And not as a kicker. QB sure. RB why not? WR DEFINITELY.

And then suddenly, in 8th grade the guys in my class GREW. And I mean GREW. From when I was ten until present day I have been 5'6" and up until that point I was the second tallest person in my grade (the first being Kurt. Clearly my crush since he was the only one taller than me). My fantasies of scoring a TD for the Giants were crushed.

But now, part of my dream can come alive thanks to Miller Lite. How's that you ask? They are offering a chance to be a falcon for a day. And all you have to do is text them. Follow the link for the directions on who to text what.

And if you win, take me with you!