I Hate My Life

Okay not really so don't go calling 911 fearing I am about the end it all. The thing is I go through phases of just completely exhausting discontent with my life. I don't know who it is more frustrating for: me or the people in my life. I tend to withdraw when this happens. My main reasoning for that is that every sentence, phrase and word out of my mouth is a complaint and then I feel like Debbie Downer. Plus half the time I feel like certain people ask because they think they should. Then they don't even listen. I think things like that tend to bring on my bouts of depression.

A lot of times money is the catalyst for the whole thing. I end up with 2 dollars to get me through 2 weeks and I get pissy. Especially because I tell certain people that I don't have money and they continually invite me to things that cost money. I can't even put gas in my fucking car and you think I want to go out? And then you spend your time making me feel bad about it? How bout I am finally growing the fuck up and realizing you can't spend your life away on a credit card so have a little respect and don't be rude about the fact that I am trying to get my life under control.

I don't so much mind my life being out of control but when you think about it that is a luxury. I mean the only way you can really be out of control is to just really not give a fuck. To know that somewhere someone is going to rescue you out of your tornadoe of a life. Shit did I even spell tornadoe right? I'm not even going to spellcheck it because I notice a lot of blogs don't. Seems to be some of their charm or something. Apologies for the digression.

I feel like I spend a lot of time doing things I want and then immediately regretting them. So I guess maybe I don't really want them? Maybe I am too impulsive. Maybe I need to think things through a little better. For example, I happened to adore this guy. I've spent a lot of time (okay we'll be brutally honest- I've wasted a lot of time) with him hanging out, making terrible decisions, helping him out, etc. And every time I leave him, I immediately wonder why I am doing it. Why am I going through all of this? That cannot be healthy. Maybe that's how addicts feel? Do alcoholics wake up one morning and hate what they've done and then reach right for the bottle to forget it? Why when I am in the presence of him is it so easy to forget the bad and remember the good? Is this something everyone has a problem with or is this a result of my batshit craziness?See previous post.

And my friends. I mean look, I know you got shit going on too but now that you have a boyfriend do you have to not pay attention to my life? Does everything have to revolve around your fantastic boyfriend, and your fantastic valentines day and your fantastic future? I mean I tell you someone is dyind and it has me down and the response is Everyone Goes Through It? I mean, duh. Thanks for putting that in perspective for me. Mind you that I came out (broke and upset) because I didn't want you to think I was mad at you and end up in a fight. Why don't you try sacraficing for once?

And it's not all my friends. See I can't even have a terrific rant because I'm already feeling bad for it. Now I am going to backtrack and tell you all the great things. Maybe I would like to dwell on the bad for a little while. Maybe Everything isn't all sunshines and rainbows. I shouldn't feel bad for that.

So in summation, my finances are in shambles, my love life is a wreck, my friendships are seemingly fake and all I want at this point is a beer. Too bad I can't afford one. And I'm at work. And I still have to drive an hour home. Man this pity party is just getting better and better. I don't know why I don't do it more often.

And if one more person tells me I need to love myself before anyone else can love me I am going to punch them. I am working on loving myself, I don't see why someone else can't work and love with me!