Why Did the Hispanic Man Cross the Road?

If you've ever wondered what to do in a situation that has no positive outcomes, then you will enjoy this next ridiculous story from my ridiculous life. You see, I'm not the greatest driver in the world (5 speeding tickets between 17-20 and a judge who threatened to yank my license from me so fast my head would spin and then charged me a $350 fine. 5 wrecks, 3 were my fault).  Usually, I'm late and in a rush (similar to my birth I'm told) and I just don't judge my spacing very well.

So, you've been set up for the story.

So the other day I'm driving down the road (Buford Highway for you Atlantans) and suddenly from my left, I see an Hispanic man darting through traffic right into my path! WTF?!?! In case you were wondering, this is a normal occurrence. For some reason, people in Atlanta are so impatient and fucking stupid that they don't realize that Atlanta has these things called CROSSWALKS or that when the light is red you can cross. So I'm faced with a conundrum. Do I hit the Hispanic man and teach him a lesson? Do I swerve and honk rudely at him? Would he understand in either instance why I was frustrated?

I, of course, chose what I imagine is the more expensive of the two choices: I swerved into the curb and lost a hub cap, busted my wheel and blew out my tire. All less than a mile from my condo. Why did I make this choice? In the moment of indecision, I saw myself on television attempting to explain hitting a hispanic man. I saw that no matter what I said, I came off as racist. Therefore, I thought, a better idea would be to slam into a curb going 45 miles an hour and then slink off to my condo. Not even a honk to let him know how angry I was.

Replacing a wheel and tire ain't cheap y'all. Add in a balance, rotation and alignment adjustment and we're talking any money I had in savings. And no more flight to visit my boyfriend.

The lesson in this of course is that next time you hit the dumb fuck so he'll stop crossing the damn street at inopportune times.

Florida Pro Combat Unis

This has probably been passed around a million times but I just came across it and it made me laugh.

Gators wear jhorts!

T-Pain Makes My Nights Better

Who is going out this weekend? Don't leave home without your T PAIN MICROPHONE. Imagine how much ass you could get with this thing? Who doesn't love T Pain? T Pain gets bitches. And men want to be him. So clearly, with this microphone and a lot of booze, you are well on yoru way to T Pain's lifestyle. Don't know what I am talking about? Check out the commercials below!




Think I can interview people with this microphone?



I will only do karaoke with this microphone going forward.

Absolut Has Answered My Secret Prayers!

My friends are the best! For instance, today I got a gchat to a link telling me how Absolut has finally figured out an answer to my conundrum of "WHAT THE FUCK TO DRINK TONIGHT?" You know liquor is grand. Wine makes me look feminine. Both make me the biggest asshole on the planet. And it is inevitable that I will ingest both before the night is over. So since they will meet in my stomach anyway, we ought to just put them together to begin with. Well...my friends, Absolut is all over that shit.

It is apparently in Australia, so who is with me? Let's hop a flight and try this shit out!

I Adore Whitney Cummings

Jokes.com
Whitney Cummings - Penises Are Like Snowflakes
comedians.comedycentral.com
Whitney Cummings Comedians Stand-Up

True Story, Whitney, true story.

Make sure you check out Denis Leary's "Douchebags and Donuts" special for more funny clips from Denis, Whitney and the gang. I personally just watched it twice. In a row.

Conversations with my Friends

I love the see friendship setting on facebook. It is almost as good as going back and reading my texts from last night. I have no idea what this was in reference to because I black out most nights but it is worth trying to figure out:

Me: I walked out of the bedroom and your almost empty glass of wine was on my bar. Don't worry I drained that shit when I took my vitamins. No drink left behind.
C: Just a sip of wine helps the vitamins go down...they work better that way.
Me: The adult version of a spoonful of sugar?
C: Oh yeah...I sing it every morning...except on the weekends.

No clue. But I need to start talking my vitamins with my booze again. That shit was legit.

Conversations with my boyfriend Part II

I get a lot of questions about having a boyfriend. For instance, how on earth did you get one? Well, that is a mystery to me, too. The funny thing is he tried to ask me to be his girlfriend one time and I changed the subject. "How bout that Phillies game last night?" I'm sure he really appreciated it but also kind of expected it when I tried to tell him to end it before it began. So imagine my surprise when I suddenly had a facebook official relationship status going on in my life. Without AWKWARD MOMENT #2 this would not have happened as an FYI.

Him: I need more hangers.
Me: Ummmmm why?
Him: Because I started unpacking shit from Florida and there is nice stuff that needs to be on a hanger.
Me: Idk why you did that. You just have to pack it back up when you move in to be with me.
Him: It was trash bags. And plus you're moving to Nashville with me if the show doesn't get picked up so you can support this unemployed actor.
Me: What? I signed a new lease last week.
Him: Then we both need this show to get picked up.
Me: No we don't. I would never see you.
Him: You would be on the road with me.
Me: Oh you'd take me with you? That is so sweet.
Me: How would you explain me to the production crew?
Him: I'll say it's complicated. Haha.
Me: Ha then I'm not traveling with you. Have fun.
Him: Well then tell me how to describe us.
Me: Ha. Idk but I'm not being it's complicated.
Him: Well you make the decision on what we are.
Me: Why am I making the decision?
Me: Are we really making a decision about us on text? Haha.
Him: Because I want you to.
Him: Hahaha yup.
Me: This is ridiculous.
Me: I cannot make this decision for us.
Him: Why not? I support your decision.
Me: Is this some kind of trick?
Him: I don't play games.
Me: This is a game!
Him: Nope.
Him: What would you call us?
Me: Right now? Idk. I mean if you took someone else home I'd be upset. And I'm not interested in seeing anyone else.
Him: I feel the same way. So we're dating.
Me: It would seem so.
Him: Well, good for us.

And this is how my boyfriend tricked me into dating him. I walked right into the damn trap.