I've always loved being Catholic. Not that there aren't things I disliked about it (their stance on the gays for instance...or the whole priest molestation of children thing...) but for the most part I like it. My great uncle was a Monsignor in the church and really and truly believed in all it had to offer. He gave the best Sunday masses- always making sure to end each mass with a joke. He also drove a Lexus and lived in a gorgeous house on the Jersey Shore despite a vocation that typically calls for being humble and modest. He traveled the world sharing his belief systems but only with those who asked him to do so. He never pushed upon anyone else his thoughts or feelings about religion. To me, he truly was the epitome of Catholicism. Of course, the things I liked about it go past his influence. I like that Catholics have a self-deprecating attitude (take for example E and C Catholics- I fall into that category at this point), believe that confessing is a cleansing process (though I don't understand praying to Mary as punishment) and that while Catholicism as a whole tends to be hypocritical and stuck in the past, as individuals Catholics are some of the coolest people I have ever met.
I often joke that being Catholic lets me get away with lots of things. And for the most part I don't always acknowledge it. But recently, I have felt that Catholic guilt creeping in (or maybe just the strong moral foundation my parents attempted to instill in me is finally catching on). It's rather uncomfortable and it never has a habit of appearing while I am in the midst of committing a transgression, but always rears it's ugly head immediately following. Which, honestly, makes living for the moment and living each day to the fullest cause it might be your last kind of difficult.
Now, you are probably wondering what I have done lately that has brought this on. Well, for the most part being broke has kept me in line. And maybe the fact that I have been in line for a while is making this guilt thing so much the worse. My tax return came though and I decided on Friday that I was going to live it up. Compared to my past, Friday was rather tame. After work, I hit up Happy Hour with someone I keep telling myself I need to stay away from. In his defense, he is not a bad person at all. Somewhat of an idiot but a decent person all around. The problem is, we make absolutely terrible decisions together. It's not good when I wake up in the morning and pray he isn't there. It's certainly not good when I want to boot him out when I realize he is still there. And it's fucking terrible, how bad I feel after these events transpire. I mean, I seriously consider packing up, moving out and starting all over far far away so that I no longer allow myself to make these mistakes.
Generally speaking, I'm a good person. I work 5 days a week, I pay my bills (mostly) on time, I tell my parents I love them, spend time with friends and family...I just really like to have a good time and sometimes a good time and Catholicism don't mix no matter how much Jesus Juice you drink. I'm struggling to reconcile who I want to be with who I am and I think that is the main problem here. When I think about these decisions, I wonder what my mom would think. Would she wonder how her daughter who had such a promising future ended up a fuck up? Would she ask herself where she went wrong? I ask myself those very questions a few times a day and never have an answer. Maybe I should call her and ask her! Maybe this has less to do with Catholicism and more to do with the quarterlife crisis!
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