Seen on Facebook

I think it's precious that not only is Lily a side sleeper, but she rolls to the side that she laid on in my belly. I LOVE my munchkin! In other news, she busted out "momma" again 3 times in 

her nap time hissy again. Robby & I think it was intentional - time will tell!

SERIOUSLY?!?!?! NO ONE GIVES A FUCK WHAT SIDE YOUR FUCKING BABY SLEEPS ON. THE END.

From the Interwebs

Cause I don't know what the fuck to write about today... And other people say it so much better anyway.

• Apparently there was a 7 year itch in long term relationships? And here I thought if you made it over the 2 year hump you were doing well. I'm so confused. Probably because I never make it past the 2 year hump (or even to it really). Anyway, according to this Reuter's article, it has been replaced with the 3 year glitch. And then I realized this had nothing to do with technology which the word glitch implied. And the people were British which we all know are like another species entirely.
• Are you a prostitute looking for work? Head to New Zealand where they are raking in the big bucks after a natural disaster left a city in shambles. I've heard of needing reaffirmation of your life after facing mortality but I never realized people PAID for it.
• WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH KIDS THESE DAYS?!?!?! AND ADULTS?!?!?! In Texas, they are investigating a cell phone video showing an 11 year old girl being sexually assaulted. By star high school athletes and convicted sex offenders. I repeat ELEVEN YEARS OLD. On a cellphone video. I'm never having kids if this is the shit they have to deal with.
• If you play college spots, don't fuck your girlfriend. At least if you attend BYU. The school has a code of conduct, damnit, and don't you break it or else. Talk about cutting your nose to spite your face. Let's get with the times here, folks. This guy has no pity for him and I see his point but I really think a lesser punishment would fit the crime. 
• Simply en fuego! In Miami, a couple parked in a park put on a sexy show for passerbys and were subsequently arrested. Sucks when jealous cops gots to throw you in slammer for doing what nature intended. I would like to know what they mean by UNNATURAL behavior though...
• Bad News Folks.... oral sex is linked to cancer. Fuck that shit- everything gives you cancer. I refuse to cease and desist blow jobs. For those of you who hate it, here is your excuse not to do it anymore: It apparently causes more throat cancers than tobacco. RJ Reynolds is rejoicing somewhere.
• Jess at WTF is Up with my Love Life is answering your techno-romance questions regarding what that facebook post he sent you means... Hint: it is a good thing.
• Speaking of facebook, not only is it the leading evidence provider in divorce cases (and also the cause in 1 of 5 divorces) it also is a big ego boost for people who use it. I'm going to guess these are in no way related. Or are they?

Monday Musings

• Today's Groupon was for a subscription to eHarmony. Like is the whole world on this fucking dating train? Am I officially becoming an old maid? Is my shelf life expiring? What the fuck is with everyone and their fucking mother (including my matronly coworker and a discount website) encouraging me to just put myself out there? If I wanted to be out there, I'd fucking be out there. Assholes.
• If you're in Atlanta, go to Shamrock Fest. Or don't. I don't give a fuck one way or another. 
• If I have to cab it, pay for parking or anything else that requires massive amounts of effort, it ain't gonna happen. 
• Charlie Sheen is like the gift that keeps fucking giving. And giving. And giving. My favorite gem to date is his response to Good Morning America when they told him people think he is Bipolar. "What is Bipolar? Try BIWINNING." And then he cackles. He does have a point though when he says if he was bipolar wouldn't he have massive swings between being up and being down? All this motherfucker does is go. I like to imagine his theme song is All I Do Is Win. If he was writing the script for Three and a Half Men, I'd totally fucking watch that shit. My second favorite conversation? Same interview. He talks about how Nike's slogan isn't just try it, it's just do it. And like them he's just doing sobriety. Boom.
• Why is baby fat cute on little kids but then fucking disgusting on us grownups? If I were a kid, I'd be fucking attractive with all this flab.
• Sometimes I wonder why God didn't give me a talent that might be useful to me. Like one I could use to make money with. And why he didn't maybe give me a lick of common sense so that I wouldn't be $8000 in debt right now. But he didn't. So that's where we're at right now.
• Dear Pirate's Booty, I love you. What I don't love is paying all that money for your delicious bounty only to end up eating a majority of it in one sitting. Also, what the fuck is with all the SPACE/AIR in your bags of booty? What a fucking gip. You make me think I'm getting a crap ton and once I open the bag, I realize, NO NO NO. There is not shit in there.
• I'm in a funk right now. The kind of funk where I'm just snapping at someone who definitely does not deserve it. But then part of me wonders if I'm not really in a funk but rather pushing and prodding to see just what my boundaries are with this person. I have a feeling this cannot end well. And by not end well, I mean I'm very easily going to ruin a relationship via text. How 2011 of me.
• Why can't I just sit on a patio all day and drink? Why can't I?
• People share the most ridiculous shit on facebook. I don't give a fuck what your political thoughts are, my Jesus and your Jesus are clearly not the same, your baby is not any cuter or more specialer than anyone elses, Fox News is not the authority on life or anything else really for that matter, and you're single/married/complicated/divorced whatever because you keep posting desperate status about it. Grow the fuck up bros and bras. Tell me you're slamming booze or patio drinking or stripping or kicking as in kickball or watching your team win. Don't tell me stupid shit no one cares about. And the bra color, stripper name whatever the newest Spam to hit my messages is not any better. You're not 12 anymore.
• This is going to sound incredibly stupid (omg I AM a fucking girl), but I really just want to curl into a ball and cry today. I have no idea why. Nothing bad happened (how could it, my boss is out of town). But nothing great happened either. And I'm lonely I think. I'm not even sure anymore.

27 Things About Me You May Not Already Know

In honor of turning the ripe old age of 27, Monday Musings will be about me. And 27 things you may or may not know about me after reading this blog. This is going to be tough, I just know it.

1. Whenever it is my birthday and people wish me happy birthday on facebook, I always make sure to thank them individually. So I end up feeling like my fingers will fall off because so many people want to wish you happy birthday on facebook. The worst is thanking someone you don't even really talk to. All you end up typing is Thanks but I like to think you took the time to say Happy Birthday so I ought to take the time to thank you for doing so.
2. I have lived in two states- New Jersey and Georgia. I consider myself the best of both worlds but honestly, I fit in more up north. You southern people just cannot handle my sarcasm or intolerance for stupidity.
3. I have been in 9 weddings. Only one of those have I been the Maid of Honor. And I still have at least one more that I will be in: Barbie in 2012. I am rallying for Groomsman since she got me a babysitter (aka Matron of Honor) but she's too "traditional" for that shit.
4. My apartment looks like Tailgater's Alley threw up UGA gear in it. My mom and I have a competition to see who can collect the most UGA shit but I'm clearly the winner and always will be. The front room will be my UGA room once I get a few more frames and get shit organized. What do I have? Here goes: the Florida-Georgia Rivalry Football Vault, the Georgia Football Vault, handpainted wine glass, handpainted pilsner glass, handpainted shot glass, handpainted martini glass, a rubiks cube, UGA hot sauce, UGA pasta salad, two UGA chips and dip trays, dozens of UGA ornaments, a UGA fan, Saturday Shrines (Sanford stadium is on the cover), UGA trivia book, the 1920 Varisty football team photo, UGA football wine glass accessories, 20 UGA shirts made into a UGA blanket, two UGA snuggies, a UGA football helmet painting (I painted it), two pairs of UGA sweat pants, UGA gloves, two UGA sweatshirts, 6 UGA t shirts I actually wear, a Knowshon Moreno jersey, two UGA pile ons, a UGA frog, an Athens dishtowel and a mini Hairy dog. That's just off the top of my head. I know there is more but the list is getting long.
5. I am an expert stalker. Via the internet. I figured out where Tony Gonzalez lives based on a photo he posted on twitter. I discovered the basic information of my gym crush using the internet (he does not have a facebook and has a very common name) and can now tell you the name of his wife and child, where he works, what he does and where he lives. Also, what kind of cars he drives. I am very observant. Combine that with the internet and you're fucked.
6. My favorite movie is Rudy. I wanted to be Rudy as a kid. I have a Notre Dame sweatshirt and up until I left for college they were my favorite team. I even went to the Notre Dame- USC game the year after I graduated college. It was at USC so my next goal is to go to a game at Notre Dame.
7. I have not had more than the 7 basic channels on my tv since my sophomore year of college. I have an extensive movie collection and pay to have Netflix. Hulu is my best friend when it comes to watching the shows I like.
8. My freezer currently contains patron, soco, jack daniels, vodka frozen peppers and onions and hash browns. Yes, I need someone to come cook for me. And yes, I may be an alcoholic.
9. I have two degrees. One in Literature and the other in Journalism. I am not using either degree for anything. And it shows in my blog postings. I settled on those degrees after realizing that I would not have to take any math courses in college to get these degrees due to the fact that I took college statistics in high school. Therefore, if you ask me to add, subtract, multiple or divide anything off the top of my head I will not be able to do it.
10. I subscribe to Interview magazine, Maxim, Fitness, Self, People, Shape, Entreprenuer and ESPN the magazine. I might even get more than that. And I love Playboy magazine for the articles. And that's not a lie.
11. The only glasses I have in my apartment are glasses I have stolen or won from bars. I have glasses for Laughing Skull Pilsner, Sweetwater Brewery, Flying Dog, MGD 64, Brooklyn Brewery and Shiner Bock to name a few. I also have a few other drinking related glasses from sorority events and how to make this drink glasses. 
12. I am slightly obsessed with taking pictures. My mac is not working at optimal speeds because it is run down with pictures. I'm having to delete any I've already printed (I have a scanner so I can scan them back in if I need to).
13. I am extremely lazy. I might get hungry and want to pick something up but if it requires more than one stop light or crossing over a high way or making a left turn to get in or out, I will probably not be picking it up. And I don't do delivery because it is more expensive since you have to tip the driver. Cheap and lazy.
14. I have WAYYYY too many friends. So many that sometimes I don't see them for months at a time because I am too busy. Someone is always getting married or having a birthday and I feel like I have to be at every one of these events.
15. Speaking of birthdays (and Christmas), I hate these things. Because I get super stressed about the gifts. I hate the idea of you buying me something cooler/more expensive/ more thoughtful than I did. On the flip side, I hate it more if I bought you gifts from the Loft and you bought me a iTunes giftcard and wine glasses. I would have gone cheaper had I known we were gonna be like that.
16. When I'm hung over I want two things: diet coke and chinese. Also sometimes chocolate milk and hashbrowns covered with a ham and cheese omelet.
17. I cannot cook. Okay, I can somewhat. I can make pasta, cook chicken in a skillet, make slice and bake cookies, make chicken teriyaki, omelets, and, as of this morning, french toast.
18. My mom took a scant 15 minutes to deliver me. I was two weeks late and almost born in the elevator. I was clearly impatient and ready to get wherever the fuck I was going. These traits have stuck with me- I am perpetually late and I'm always in a rush and impatient to get where I'm going. Sorry to Atlanta drivers who have encountered my wrath on the road. But seriously, stay to the right if you're slow.
19. I can't dance. I have no rhythm. But my favorite thing to do is have naked dance parties at my apartment. Of course, the mirrors are in the bathroom so I can't see it and the lights are off so the neighbors can't see my uncoordinated shadow.
20. Despite growing up at the beach, I cannot surf. I can lie out with the best of them though. And I can snowboard. My home town was great because I lived 5 blocks from the beach, an hour train ride into the city and a 3 hour drive to the nearest slopes for snowboarding. Now I live 6 hours from the beach, 6 hours from snowboarding and in a city that's a pain in the ass to get around. Damnit.
21. I hate hate hate cleaning. But I am the messiest person ever. Which means that even though I am social, I rarely have people over. I'd hate for them to see this shit.
22. My mom brags to people about me. Some of the funniest shit is when we go out together and a guy will approach us about having a drink with him and they'll try to show off how much they drink. My mom warns them (with a note of pride in her voice) that I can and will match them drink for drink and drink them under the table. They never listen. They regret it later when they are puking in a toilet while I take shots with the bartender.
23. I have not thrown up from drinking since I was 22. I also haven't had a serious hang over since I was 24. I drink more now in one weekend than I drank then in an entire week. I will die of liver/kidney failure. Or stumble into oncoming traffic one day.
24. My favorite food is wings. I can put down 20 wings without blinking. The hotter the better. The best wings are from Amici's in Athens- honey XXX. The heat hits you after the fact and it is a scorcher. 
25. I would love a job that let me work from anywhere. I would travel a lot if that were the case. I want to see new cities and hang out with my friends from other states more often than I do currently.
26. I love concerts. I went to my first concert (Music Midtown) as an 11 year old with my mom. Coincidentally, I also got high for the first time that same day. Second hand of course, my mom is not an idiot. I try to go to at least  3 a year. The best one was with my friend Dave- we went and saw Bruce Springsteen. It was like a religious experience. The crowd was electric. I couldn't even name all the concerts I have been to since I was 11. I usually buy my brother and sister tickets to a show for Christmas and/or their birthdays each year. I've also taken my mom to a concert for her birthday in the past as well.
27. My mom is awesome but she's probably wanted to murder me numerous times. For instance the time I went into school and drew a picture of my weekend. Which included going to dinner with my parents and brother. My parents split a pitcher of margaritas. I drew them drinking pitchers and pitchers of beer and told my teacher we were there for HOURS. Imagine stick figures sitting at a table with pitchers floating in the air above them. Cause that is what I drew. I ended up having to go to lunch time therapy sessions where I drew my feelings. Defax came to our house and did an investigation followed by two years of spot checks before anyone even realized I was 8 and had exaggerated the whole thing. I was a story teller even then. 

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

So I logged into facebook last night and was just, you know, routinely stalking my exes and future lays checking up on my friends and how they were doing in the world of facebook when I noticed a friend (and huge crush) was tagged in some pictures.

Of which were titled YO DOMINOS IM IN THE HOT TUB... and I'M ENGAGED!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Turns out, my gut was right when it gurgled it's initial response. Crush is now engaged.

I had always secretly harbored a hope that after dental school, crush would return to Atlanta and bump into me downtown. We'd lock eyes across the room and then catch up over a beer or two. Eventually, he'd get my number. We'd hang out and then date and then he'd propose to ME not some cow he met in college and has dated off and on long distance since starting grad school.

Where the fuck is my ROMCOM damnit?

Hello 2011

Going from Fat 2 Fab has not gone as well as I hoped since I began this 2 years ago so here we go starting over AGAIN. I keep hoping for an epiphany that really sticks but people can I be honest here for a minute? Of course, I can. If I wasn't you'd be annoyed by me. In all honesty, you hit a point where you're like well I worked hard for a while and didn't have much to show for it and I really want that fucking large pizza with pepperoni and jalepeno's. If I'm not going to be skinny when trying to be healthy I might as well be fat and enjoy myself. And I have hit that point, despite still weighing 10 lbs less than I did at this point last year (175 1/1/10 v 165 1/1/11). Maybe it is turning 27 in a week but I'm just frustrated I haven't found something that works for me that I, with my lack of discipline, can stick with. Anyway, pity party over. Here we go again:

New Year's Resolutions:

1. Run 4 days a week at the minimum
2. Eat at least one serving of veggies and one serving of fruits a day (this will be the hardest)
3. Get 8 hours of sleep a night
4. Lift weights at least 2 days a week
5. Blog more!

So, you're turn. Tell me what your New Year's Resolutions are!

Also, since no one really participated in my last giveaway and the hat thing hasn't occurred yet because I blew the money on sporting events (which I will share with you in future post), I have a new giveaway! I got an iTunes gift card for Christmas and need some new running tunes. The winner of the giveaway gets a $10 iTunes giftcard to buy their own music with! To enter:

1. Become a follower (1 entry)

2. You're already a follower? Cool (2 entries for you)

3. Tell me about your New Year's Resolution (1 entry)

4. Tell me your favorite running song (1 entry)

5. Share this giveaway on your blog, facebook, twitter, whatever (1 entry)

6. Become a follower of me on facebook (2 entries)

So there you have it- tons of opportunities to win this giftcard. I expect a lot of love for this giftcard. And by love I mean, comments. Because I thrive off the comments, yo! You have until January 9th at midnight to enter. I will choose a winner on Monday, January 10 and announce it in that day's blog.

Hump Day Hotties

Welcome to the second edition of Hump Day Hotties, a post where I stalk pictures on facebook and bring you attractive men to ogle, vote on or do whatever (hey I don't judge). Today's contestant is another northern boy currently residing in Colorado. Another athlete, I really picked this guy based on the last photo I'm going to share with you but be sure to study them all before casting your vote! Also, I am a little sad that only Hot Mess got in on this last week but I'll give you guys a pass since it was the first time (however, he really is the most attractive one I've found so far so go check him out here). And remember, I'll take submissions at mylittleblackbook11@gmail.com!

Based on what is hiding under that boarding gear, I'm giving this hump Day Hottie an 8. If he was naked all the time, I'd give him a 10 because I'd never make it to his face to subtract points. I'd be busy checking out the gun show.

Seen on Facebook

Lily has dropped lower, but that's about it. Doctor thinks it will be about a week. In other news- I had my first contraction or Braxton Hix contraction while the Doc was examining me. Yeah- it totally freaked my freak! Lol

Are you fucking kidding me? Oh goody, in a week you'll be telling me about how your little Lily spit up, pooped, cried through the night and generally was a nightmare. Cannot. Fucking. Wait.


When will you new mothers get that we don't care?

Side note- what the fuck is freaking your freak?

Yo! You talking about me?

Hahaha. It's like the person who wrote this knows me or something.

"Confessionals
You may hate your job; lie on your taxes; or be a recreational user of illicit drugs, but this is no place to confess. Employers commonly peruse social networking sites to determine who to hire — and, sometimes, who to fire. Need proof? In just the past few weeks, an emergency dispatcher was fired in Wisconsin for revealing drug use; a waitress got canned for complaining about customers and the Pittsburgh Pirate's mascot was dumped for bashing the team on Facebook. One study done last year estimated that 8% of companies fired someone for "misuse" of social media."

Thanks Yahoo finance for calling my shit out.

You Know Your Life Is In Shambles When...

The other day I was dicking around on facebook and I wanted to see if my little sister had posted any new pictures of her and her new boyfriend (whom my brother has affectionately named Nick Dick due to the unfortunate fact that his parents named him Nicholas Richard). When I typed her name in, it brought up some grizzled old folk singer. So I got on my page and clicked on her name under siblings. It brought up a page telling me the page I was attempting to load no longer exists. The following transpired via text:

Me:Did you delete your facebook?
Her: No why?
Me: Well then did you block me? I can;t see your page. It says you do not exist. When I look at my friends in common with Peter, you aren't there anymore.
Me (after she hasn't answered): You're not listed as a friend I have in common with Hannah or Bo either.
Her: I didn't block you... I don't know why?
Me: That's so weird. It says your page doesn't exist! Haha I was going to write miss you and see you on Wed but nope!
Her: Sorry...idk what to tell you.

The following day I was working from my parents house because I had to drive Mom to the airport. My brother finally drags his ass out of bed at around 10:30 am and I ask him if he can see my sister's page. He looks at me strangely and says "Yeah" (but means duh). My mom asks me why I am asking him that so I show them what happens when I log in and try to look her up. Then I say I think she lied to me.

My mom proceeds to tell me that while we were texting my sister started cracking up and when my mom asked her what was so funny she told her I asked if she had blocked me. My mom asked her if she did and my sister just laughed.

Folks, my dipshit 15 year old sister, tried to block me thinking I wouldn't figure it out. I am the google and internet queen. If I don't know something, I'll find it out and she thinks that she could LIE to me and me not figure out?!?!?! What. The. Fuck.

You're probably wondering why she blocked me.

Her status one day: Nick :] :]
My comment on said status: Vomit.
# of likes to my comment: 4
# of responses to my comment on her status: 3

According to her, her friends are sick of me showing up in their newsfeed so she blocked me so it can't happen anymore. Homegirl, I comment on your page maybe 3 times a month. Vs. you and your silly crew liking every fucking thing (ie. so and so likes other people liking things, the color pink, when a guy winks at you and 75 other pages). I highly doubt my comment "vomit" appeared on any of their newsfeeds with shit like that plus picnik and random scams they click on because they aren't smart enough to notice they shouldn't be clicking on pages that take you outside of facebook and ask for a password despite being told that repeatedly.

So, your life is in shambles if your little sister blocks you because you embarrass her.

Get Amongst It

While I was back home at the Jersey Shore (shut up with your stupid jokes), I went to a local bar and hung out with some old and new friends. While we were there a friend of ours kept saying this one saying that pissed another friend off. While the saying makes absolutely no grammatical sense, it highly entertains us that it pisses people off. So I brought it back to Atlanta, where sadly no one appreciates our humor. But you know who does?

The British*, that's who.

Turns out the saying is gaining popularity via the interwebs (why the fuck do I keep calling it that?) and youtube videos are popping up about it. What is the saying you ask?

Get Amongst It.



Similar to getting "all up in it" (thanks to Bulldog in Exile for pointing that out), Get Amongst It has become our go to phrase for going out on the town. Mainly because of the commentary it seems to generate whenever we use it as a facebook status. People either love or hate the shit and I'm all for anything that annoys people so I'm making it big, yo.

AND, this is supremely awesome, in 2004 some Australian rap group, Bliss N Eso, recorded a song called Get Amongst It. Sadly, it appears they were before their time as I can't seem to find lyrics or hear the song ANYWHERE. People back then were clearly still getting all up in it.

In other news, I like their take on Bullet and a Target. Totally off topic, but I found it and linked it so enjoy.

*And New Zealand, who held a competition that wasn't nearly as exciting as I had hoped. Also, search the phrase on youtube and those skateboard kids use it CONSTANTLY.

Things I Don't Want To Be Able To Do Via Facebook part 1

People, facebook is for internet stalking. Let's not make it a major hub of activities other than finding out who your ex is currently fucking/dating/engaged or married to, if your frenemy got fired and what stupid politics your pals are backing today. Don't get me wrong, I post links to my blogs and news articles and upload pictures but I'm not jonsing to use facebook for much else than seeing who got a boob job and who is fatter/poorer/less awesomer than me. With that in mind, I will begin compiling a list of things I do NOT want to be able to do via facebook.

Numero Uno:
BOOK TRAVEL THROUGH FACEBOOK

I know you are probably as confused as I. It's bad enough you're constantly asking me to like shit on facebook but now you want those liked pages to allow me to do shit too? What happened to the days of calling Delta or Airtran or JetBlue (who I wish flew from Atlanta to Philly so I could see awesome flight attendant shenanigans on the reg)? Why the fuck would I want to see that my ex got an STD after we dated* and then book a flight to Colorado for the UGA game? I understand utilizing social media to brand your, well, brand but this is taking it to a whole new level. Why does everything I do have to somehow be turned into fucking spam (don't get me started on businesses using texts to advertise to me)? Why can't this just be a site to connect like it was intended?

Remember the old days when you had to have a college email address to sign up? I want that shit back STAT.

The Ex Files...Part 2

So, last week I had a little bitch fest about my ex and his new live in girlfriend. Thought maybe I would update you about the newest twist in the plot. And my failed relationship turned failed friendship.

Friday night, I went out with friends and had a blast. Unfortunately, Saturday morning my body did not agree with that decision so I slept in a little later than normal. I was feeling slightly sluggish when I finally dragged my lazy, hungover ass out of bed and it took me forever to get ready to go perform some Maid of Honor duties for my BFF. In between getting ready, I would collapse at my computer and browse the internet until I gained enough strength to do the next thing. During one of these such breaks in my routine, I discovered some lovely news.

The ex...PROPOSED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND THE NIGHT BEFORE.

This is not fucking news you want to hear when you may or may not still be drunk from the night before. Especially when you discover it because your "friend" posts congrats to them as her facebook status. Add to the fact that as the day went on I discovered the ex had essentially text every goddamn person in his phone book but me to tell them his oh so exciting news. So basically, he gave me a big fuck you. And all of them knew the news and not one of them thought to let me know what the hell was going on.

At 2 pm, the "friend" who let me in on the secret via facebook status text me to "Check on me". She said she wanted to make sure I was okay because she knows I hate all these people getting engaged and married. When I said I wasn't worried about this one since I was certain there'd be no weddings or showers to attend she got pissed. I'm sorry, what? You just said you knew I hate the shit and then when I agree with that statement you get pissed at me? What the fuck. Women.

So, I suppose the ex and I can be friends once I am engaged. Which will never happen so I guess that friendship is off.

Now, I just need to figure out how to get all my shit back.

Monday Musings

• I really hate when you post pictures on facebook and people come in after you and tag other people. Can we take that option away facebook? If I wanted the person tagged or was friends with them on facebook, they'd be tagged. On top of that, 62 notifications in 20 minutes while you people tag every goddamn person in the background is slightly ridiculous.
• Heard this song on Cougar Town and went and found a version on Youtube to share with you. Need To Breathe also does a great song from the movie PS I Love You. I will be downloading more of their music ASAP.
• There is a guy at my office who makes me think of one of the guys from the B52s. Probably during their heyday, not now. Either way, for some reason EVERY time I see him, I want to bust out into “Love Shack” and I envision psychedelic colors floating through the hallways. It’s like he has a theme song. This morning I heard him talk for the first time, he definitely loves him some B52s.
• I actually don’t know what I mean by the above statement but I stand by it. I would bet a million dollars I don’t have, that he has at least one of their albums.
• I really like cheesy ABC Family type movies. I don’t know why I don’t own any of them on DVD. I wonder if WalMart has any of them on sale. I might have to pick a few up. They are the best pick me ups. No joke. Especially if Selena Gomez is in them. Adore her.
• Why did I think of that? Well… my golf crush John Raser has a PSA on his blog about Lyme Disease that his friend Drew Seeley is in (Drew is hot and starred with Selena Gomez in a Cinderella-style ABC family movie). You should check out John’s site to read about his sister who has been struck by this terrifying disease. Also head over to Youtube to see all the PSAs and some video’s from people who suffer from Lyme Disease.
• This morning during my workout and the ride into work I listened to B.o.B’s “Airplanes” nonstop on repeat like I was back in high school. Barbie assures me this is normal and she does it all the time. I still changed to shuffle the minute I got to the office but the song is in my head and I just want to keep listening to it.
• I sent my resume out and updated it on Monster. I’m getting nervous about looking for a new job and relocating. Nervous but excited. I am in no way prepared for this, I can tell you that right now. In fact, probably on Wednesday, I will start wigging out about it. I also sent a profile into a Media company here in Atlanta to work on mobile tours and events in the southeast so we will see how that goes. If nothing else, I would get to work some events and get paid for it. It would be a nice way to break up my time in front of the computer.
• Guess what is on tonight? The exact Drew Seeley/ Selena Gomez movie I was just talking about. Guess who doesn't have TV at their place?
• Dear ABC Family, you've sucked me in again- Pretty Little Liars looks delicious. I love shows that just throw the teacher/student hook up right out there, ya know? How often do you think that really happens...? hmmm.
• I'm at home now so I have a feeling nothing exciting is going to happen the rest of the day so fuck it...I'm posting NOW. I can always update later if need be...

dear moms.

i have decided to write a little note to all those young moms out there and all those young moms to be. yes, this is going to be bitchy. i have decided i do not want children and lets be honest. i do not really want to hear about yours. so with that, here i go.

dear moms and future moms -

congrats on your bundle of joy… you have embarked on an awesome journey and i know you’re really excited. but parenthood is not for everyone and not everyone is as excited about sally sue as you are. i know you embraced facebook while in college boozing and you have made it part of your life, but it really is not the place to talk about everything baby all the time. So lets start while you’re expecting. Yay Baby! Post it on your status, get some congrats, drop it. We have ALL been through sex-ed. We have all seen tons of pregnant women. Your belly gets bigger and bigger. We do not need to see your WEEKLY progress, especially at week 2 when you cannot even tell there is an alien brewing in there. You’re excited, I get it. ….fast forward 9 months and bam you’re in labor. We do not need to see in labor facebook pictures followed by pictures of your little one covered in placenta and nasty shit. Share those memories with those in the room not with the world wide web. Fuck, I want NO ONE in the room as I push & scream if and when I accidentally get knocked up. Ok so you have gone home with your little baby. Aww how cute. *vomit* Now we do not care about if your baby is vomiting everywhere or has diarrhea or bumped his/her head on the coffee table or has a pesky cough that just will not go away or cannot sleep though the night. 9 times out of 10 you’re the only one in your circle of friends who has a kid because shit we’re 25 or 26 and still want to have a life. We cannot give you advice. Here is my advice…. google --- find a parenting forum or google your question. I promise there is some mom (or dad) out there that can answer your question or had the same question in the past. Better yet, call your mother. She has had a kid, she can give you all the advice in the world. Me with my bottle of wine?! I am not a helper. Oh and as you complain about how you have not slept in days or keep having to go to the doctor or wash dozens of bottles, I would like to remind you that you really wanted a little spawn so you spread your legs and hoped and prayed that the test showed two pink lines. Basically: you asked for it. So little Sally Sue is a year or so old and you want to have another kid… why would you poll the facebook audience on when would be the best time to bring another kid into the world?? We’re all still in the party and travel age, we like to spend Friday nights at happy hour on a patio with the rest of our babyless friends, we do not have kids so we do not know when the best time to have another one is. I have an idea – do not have anymore. I do not think I can handle hearing about Sally Sue’s fever as well as Billy Bob’s inability to stop sneezing. I really hope all you potential and current moms out there take all this to heart. Oh and lastly, Sally Sue is actually not that cute so please stop posting pictures of your ugly child on the internet... but my office does get a lot of laughs out of them. laugh of disgust.

With love, Barbie :o)

Just so you all know, I am not jealous of people with kids. I am 4 steps away from defriending this girl on facebook over “Haley” posts every fucking day. The only reason why I am not is because I do not feel like dealing with her when I see her back in VA at Christmas Eve service. But I want to look her in the face and say, “your child looks like an alien and I do not give a flying fuck about her ailments that you are probably being over dramatic about.” I would like to remind her that she was the biggest cry baby growing up and she was always getting “injured” and having to go to the doctor. She is passing the drama queen & hypochondriac gene onto her daughter and thinking about bringing another child into this world. God help us all.

My ex is MARRIED

Okay, I've known this for a while but finding out he was on facebook and the subsequent stalking revealed they are, in fact, still married. Shocking considering she was hopping from Marine to Marine in an effort to secure a Green Card.

It's so weird to imagine an ex of mine married. Especially one who pretends to be smarter than he is. Some gems from his facebook page:

• Fancy the great outdoors from mountain biking to surfing. Prefer to be in shape so gym sessions are part of my weekly schedule. Tend to want to fix things and use my imagination to make things better like home improvments. I religiously do things myself because this economy makes the comfort of hiring a professional somewhat far fethced.
• Attending school to materialize a diploma is a recent interest and I stress the importance of an education everyday. I have a drive to succeed so reading books that follow suite in the attainment of self-actualization is common. The end result of everything I pursue is to help others through healthcare management and the nursing field. I'll be a little "Focker" just like the movies.
• Music full of expression, almost an art form from the sound of it. Instead of listing what I listen too I will just list what is scarce in my Ipod. Hip/hop, rap, and music that is derogatory just makes no sense to experience, however, I have some music that holds a beat.
• "Avatar" is my favorite movie followed by Out Cold and Without a Paddle. I base my favorites from fantasies of living in the context of the worlds portrayed in each film.

I know, you probably read that and thought to yourself, "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?!?!?!" I have no idea. Except it was fun dating a Marine with my best friend. Because we dated guys stationed together we got to take road trips, fly to Cali, attend Marine Corp balls, etc. Shallow? Yes. But I was 21 and having a good time. But back to the marriage thing...It somehow feels like I failed. Am I alone in this? It's like what do I have to show for anything?

And, another thing, what is the deal with exes moving on and actually becoming able to commit AFTER you invest time in a relationship with them? Why the hell do I feel as though I'm setting my exes up for their next relationships ala Good Luck Chuck? BUSCH.LEAGUE.

Monday Musings

• Today I began a week of running EVERY DAY. It’s a daunting task for someone who runs only three days a week but it’s for a good cause as I’m raising money for CCFA. This guy Ward has offered to pay per mile the two of us run. You can read about that here.
  
• I ate half of a large thin crust chicken and jalapeno pizza on Friday. Fact is, I could have eaten the whole thing. I don’t know if I should be impressed or repulsed by this fact.
  
• I am not the smartest person in the world but I have common sense. My boss on the other hand does not. It is extremely frustrating.
  
• I think I’m turning boring. This is a disappointment.
  
• Rain rain go away, never come back except late at night. Be gone by the time I’m ready for work. And please God bring some patio weather behind you so I can hang out and drink margaritas with my friends!
  
• I really need to make decisions about my life STAT. I would like to look for a new job but what is the point if I decide to move in August when my lease is up?
  
• Why did my sister get all the talent in my family? What was God’s plan there? I mean supposedly the Big Guy is real nice and loves us all. If so, why make some people more awesomer than others? Kind of dick if you ask me.


• Also, I went to the gym this morning at 5 am. Place is empty except for maybe 15-20 people. Riddle me this, with 100+ cardio machines in the building why was I virtually surrounded by 2 old men, 3 hispanic guys and a black dude while running on the treadmill? I am not the hottest piece of ass to come through those doors so don’t give me that crap. And because of this, hot guy Mike was forced to work out on the other side of the gym where he could get a machine in front of ESPN. And not to toot my own horn, but there are mirrors so I could clearly see that these men were not watching ESPN Sports Center with me.
  
• I really wish I could speak in accents. I just don’t have the ear for it. But how cool would it be to change it up when you are bored. I firmly believe that’s why Britney speaks the way she does. Britney is American and has her shit together, Brit is British and has a couple of screws loose. How nice it would be to be able to just change your accent to alert those around you that they shouldn’t fuck with you today.
  
• It’s a holiday today. Hey President’s nice work. Would have been cool if you had done better work because I firmly believe had you done so, I’d have this day off just like the banks do. Remedy that immediately, Obama. Por Favor (oooh look, I speak Spanish sometimes!)
• Don’t feel sorry for me though- I get to go work from home at noon. Which means sweatpants. And a snuggie. And sunshine through my window. And possibly a movie. Whoo!




• GI Jane. I should watch it once a week. In order to continue to motivate myself, I want Demi’s body. How do I make that happen?

• Probably not by eating Parmesan Crusted chicken salad from Macaroni Grill. Considering what I could have ordered though, I think I’m doing well.



• I'm watching The Notebook because nothing says THANK GOD I'M SINGLE like star crossed lovers. Who wants to struggle that hard. Also, this movie makes me not want to grow old AT ALL. Poor woman.


• Dear Aunt Flo, please arrive already. While I hate that you insist upon coming on a monthly basis, the least you could do is arrive when you say you will. I hate wondering when you will show up. And don't tell me it's my fault for not being on birthcontrol because really you need to take that up with Mother Nature who decided it would be cool to not allow me to use it. I would talk to her myself but it seems like I would just be the middle man in a problem you two need to solve.
  
• I fucked up my hours somehow so now an already ridiculously busy week has just become unbearable as I try to play catch up.


• I love Hummus. Seriously. If you do as well, then go out and buy Sabra Supremely Spicy. I live for it.


• Am I hungry or am I just bored right now?


• Do you make your bed every day? I feel like I should just so the room looks cleaner but what the fuck is the point if I'm just going to get back in it. Plus it's a struggle to get out the door at 5 am anyway!Maybe if I had nice bedding. Something to think about, I suppose.




• So I was stalking and creeping on facebook and just discovered the best friend of my ex died. Part of me wants to message him and part of me thinks that is just stupid. What a horrid thing- since I just went through this, I feel terrible for him. I might never want to see him again but I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone




• And now that we've cleared the depressing portion of the Musings...
  
• Why does rain look so much better in movies than in real life? It's all romantical and shit. Makes you want to make out in it. Never happens in real life. And honestly, it's just gross. Hollywood should really fix that.


• Left over pizza or buffalo chicken tenders? Both in my opinion, but hello? That won't help my cause.
  
• Rachel McAdams is a lucky bitch in The Notebook. Both jackasses want to be with her even though she can't make up her mind. I wish I had that- just for like a week so I could boost my self esteem somewhat.


• Working from home leaves me absolutely nothing to talk about. I suppose I will be done with this now but if something occurs to me, I shall update you. Doubtful though.
• Best line from a movie...ever: " I know this is like totally wrong but don't you ever wonder if she made the whole thing up? I mean you have to admit it's a good one. It's not like anyone could use Virgin Birth as an excuse again." ~ Mary, "Saved!"
• I really hate when DVDs don't have a play all. How fucking obnoxious.
• 5 days until Eric Church at Wild Bills. Words cannot convey my excitement. Seriously, I know by reading this you must think okay she wants to go, but words cannot convey how serious I am about Eric Church. Barbie might be able to make you understand but I cannot.
• 
  

JANUARY RECAP

Okay, Soooooo...January is over. It's still cold. That's kind of a bummer. But whatever, I think January was a rocking month if I do say so myself and I have prepared a list of why. Actually, it's not prepared. I'm winging it but whatever. Don't hate.

• First, let's focus on the weight loss. As of today, I have lost 6.4 lbs. I was hoping for 10 but I am so close to being below 160 I can taste it. And boy does it taste good. Better than ice cream actually. 10 lbs was my goal but 6.4 lbs is nothing to sneeze at. I feel good about it. I will, however, be sad if I wake up tomorrow and weigh 162. It's like my body naturally gravitates toward it. Hello body, that is NOT my comfy weight. Nice try though.


• Cross Training is Heaven. I know most of my workout buddies are runners thanks to Daily Mile but since it is cold and I hate the cold, treadmills have become my friends. But they are ridiculously boring. So I have incorporated the elliptical and bike into my routine until training for the Boston 13.1 officially begins.


• Zumba, Zumba, Zumba. I love it. I am rhythmically challenged and still enjoy the class. I like that they turn the lights off so I feel less self-conscious. I like the idea of being able to dance. And I like that I am doing something to change up the routine. Check it out for yourself.


• Support system has been key. Through Twitter, facebook and dailymile, I have gained a ton of friends who are like minded. Some run EVERY DAY (kudos to you- that ain't me!). Some are new to it. But all have suggestions and ideas that help me get through every workout. They all commend each run even if it's not the best. And they are FUNNY. I will probably do a post soon about people I think you should follow on Twitter.


• Having a plan has saved my life. No joke. Every Sunday, I map out my week for both exercise and food. Do I stray from my plan? Yes. But I have found that having it written down somewhere makes me more accountable for what I am doing. So have a plan but be flexible with it.


• I haven't beat myself up. Any workout is a good workout in 2010. And rest days are necessary. I've really started to listen to my body. Which is awesome in itself. Sometimes, I tell it no. Yes, I am now talking to my body.


• I am sleeping so much better. I'm also napping sometimes but it's okay I think. For now, I'm liking where I'm at for the first time in a long time. Am I my skinniest? No. My healthiest? No. My happiest? Probably not. But I'm working on it and that puts a smile on my face.

Thanks to everyone who has followed or commented on the blog! I would not be able to do this without you. And if you have stories you want to share or a blog you think I should read, definitely share it with me. I want to support you as much as you have supported me!

Things I Learned About Myself From Facebook

• There are 1253 pictures of me on facebook. Tagged that is. I'm going to guess at least another 100 where I have detagged or someone didn't know it was me. And I don't know them so I will never fucking know. Damnit.
• I have 1041 facebook friends. That is 212 less friends than tagged photos. That is interesting.
• Currently, my facebook is showing me posts from February of 2007 on my wall. It was very confusing to me because I didn't think a certain person had written on my wall recently. I almost wrote her back before I caught the posted date. Whew. As if people don't think I am ridiculous enough.
• I have 44 photo albums on facebook. I take a lot of pictures. Shall we post the names of my albums? I think we shall...GA/FL 2009, Livin' The Dream, Kick in a Box, I Love My Fam, Home Opener Weekend 2009, My Sister is Utterly Ridiculous, Colin and Claire's Wedding, When We Were Young(er), Drinkin' and Dialin', Team Challenge 2009, God is Great, Beer is Good, People are Crazy, You Asked For It, You Hear That Ed? Bears, Last Night I Got Served A Little Bit Too Much of That Poison Baby, Every Dawg Has Its Day, Check Out This Mothafucka, Oh Fuck It I'm Gonna Throw A Party, Thank God We Parked By The Hyman Or We'd Never Find the Car, I Heart 1995, I Love Jesus But I Like To Drink A Little, I Call This The Walk of Shame Starter Kit, Last Night Doesn't Count Because I Blacked Out, Where Are My Heels? In The Shower!, The Job Hunt, The Night I Passed Out in the Back of Ness' Car, I Want an Oompa Loompa, Too!, Great White, Fist Pump Champs, Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time, Bronx Bombers, My Fam, Swords and Whores, Beatin' The Clock and All That Comes With It, Bikes, Brews and Bennys, Sparky at the Shore, C Dawg's Wedding, The Night I Passed Out in Front of Creswell, Toasting the Night Away to Friends..., A Disposable Camera? How Vintage!, When Life Gives You Lemons, Ask for Tequila and Salt, If You Could Put Dumb in a Shot Glass, Nights I Can't Remember..., With Friend's I'll Never Forget, and The Best of What's Around. Christ. That was like typing gibberish.
• I am friends with 8 of the guys I have slept with on facebook. I believe this is purely so I can see what they are up to and compare notes. Not because I want to be friends with them.
• I am now extremely thankful Target Boy and I broke up. He updates his status continuously with things about Mafia Wars. WTF is that shit? Grow up, douche, you're fucking married.
• I am slightly pissed that my hs boyfriend and I didn't work out. Judging from his pictures, he has a ridiculously HOT body. And he's in Poland coaching basketball. Obviously, the world is his oyster.
• There are two videos of me. That are actually just bands playing live that my friend Michael posted and tagged me in because I was at the concert. So really they don't even count.
• I really hate when people post about politics on my facebook page. Do I look like I give a fuck? Or even really vote? Back off, I don't want to hear a lecture on my blog either, assholes.
• I curse a lot. Not that I needed facebook to figure that out.
• I am exceptionally mean on people's facebook walls. I'm surprised some people are still friends with me.
• THE ex is fat. Hahahahaha. I am too, but so is he!
• A lot of my facebook friends are teachers. That is weird.
• I am in a lot of groups. And many of those groups have to do with drinking. Go Figure.
• 1/2 of the bumper stickers people have sent me have been removed. Those are probably the best ones too.
• I wish my flair was real. Like I owned every one of those damn buttons. Would be so great. Oh damn, I just thought of next year;s Halloween Costume!
• There really isn't much to learn about my facebook since it won't show me anything except 2007 right now. Weird.