Oh Clive Owen...

How is it I always forget how fucking hot you are? I'm obsessed with the accent, the brooding looks...the way his body moves. Yum yum give me some.

I don't normally go for older guys (especially ones who are a scant 4 years younger than my parents) but DAMN I would let him have his way with me. I don't even care that he's married with two children....

Email Fun with Hot Baseball Boy

True email conversation that occured after our softball team came from behind to win. Yes, I said came from behind. Isn't it great how sexually charged conversations about sports can be?

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
date: Thu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:07 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

I can't believe no one mentioned the fact that james used the term "pull out" in the subject line... I thought for sure one of you would.

As for depetrios, he's easy. I prefer more of a challenge.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
date:Thu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:05 PM
subject Re: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

What does "pull out" mean?

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
date: Thu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:10 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

You have got to be kidding me right now

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:12 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Not at all

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:21 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Guess you've followed the Boy Scout motto of always being prepared you're whole life...

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:21 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

I don't get where this is going...

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:26 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

I feel like I'm about to have to give you an anatomyy/sex ed lesson and I'm not sure I feel up to the challenge...

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:24 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Hey go for it! Lessons are always a good way to learn!

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:33 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

i think you just want to get a good laugh out of me attempting to explain this to you...

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 2:09 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Please, proceed

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 2:30 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Okay so I know we're kind of older...but if you can please remember back to your college days. If not yours, then those of perhaps your drunk baseball teammates. I'll give you a minute to be nostalgic.

Now you know in college guys and gals like to do this thing called "sex" ,"nookie" ,"getting some ass", "getting laid", "getting busy" or whatever you would like to call it(like tab b goes into slot a- if you need me to break it down farther please let me know. I don't want you to be confused). And often times, this occured when maybe some people weren't prepared for this event to happen. He thought she'd have something to cover his tool, and she thought he'd be bringing his own. Isn't it nice that he didn't just assume she'd be an easy lay?

Are you following so far? Do you need a minute to process?

Okay then, when they realized they didn't have the necessary protective goods (you know, they frantically knocked on all the neighbors doors or whatever to be sure or they just said f it and proceeded) they decided to do it anyway. Who needs latex when a guy can just "pull out" before the little guys can swim to the egg. As for where the little guys end up, that's between the guy and the girl. I don't judge.

Do we get it now? I swear to god if you make fun of this explanation, I will probably swing a bat at you. And considering that I swing at anything, I'll probably hit you, too. It's a lot harder to be "delicate" about this topic than I thought.

And that concludes our PBS special on protective measures aka pullng out.

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 2:39 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Nice, I do appreciate the breakdown. I do conclude that if you dont "pull out" in time, that both you and the girl will both have a "scare", assuming you both arent serious about having children at that particular time of sexual activity. Am I correct here?

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 2:45 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!
You are indeed correct, young man. Gold star on your homework for today!

Now, as with most rules there are always exceptions. For instance, she may not have her "scare" until "that time of the month" mysteriously never comes. And then she's got to figure out who she has to call to have a "talk" with. Which may or may not lead to one of them asking the other if they should "take care of the situation". And then things may get real ugly. Unfortunately, I don't have the time or the skills to draw you a flow chart detailing various scenarios while I'm working.

For those of you keeping track, yes this is the MARRIED guy on my softball team. What the fuck is with me?!?!?!

All the Single Ladies...

So last night I logged into facebook to discover all these people had written “CONGRATS” all over my friend Mallory’s wall. Anytime I see that word on the wall of someone who isn’t married yet I just KNOW that means they got engaged. Which of course means I skip right over to their page to stalk. I want pictures, details and to see who is genuinely happy for the couple and who is not.

In Mallory’s case, I am genuinely happy for her. Her neighbors used to babysit me when I was a kid. They had three kids who I used to babysit when I was in middle and high school. Which in turn led to me babysitting Mallory and her three younger sisters. We both attended UGA for college and crossed paths and I remember thinking how strange it was to see this girl I used to babysit funneling beers and downing shots. She went on to medical school and became a nurse and now is engaged. Some people are better at this shit than I am.

Since my mom is good friends with Mallory’s, I text her to tell her the news. A simple “Mallory got engaged about an hour ago.” By the time I went to bed I still hadn’t heard from her. Figuring she was made at me for some unknown slight, I crashed and didn’t worry about it. Then this morning I woke up to the following texts from my mother:

“That is cool. Good for love you much.” (ummm sidenote- are you drunk Mom?)
“Cool. I guess if you let yourself out there and you too can get engaged. I love you.”

Is it annoying to see people younger than me getting engaged? Kind of. But do I want to be engaged right now? Hell to the fucking no. I’m only 26 years old for God’s sake. Yes, I know I should be on the path to happiness and figuring my shit out but I’m not. I’m a late bloomer in all things love and happiness related. Why is my mother feeling a need to point this out to me (extra side note for those of you who don’t read Life in Shambles- my ex got engaged last week which she knows about)? Suddenly it seems to matter that I’m not married/engaged/at least in a long term relationship/ going on dates on a regular basis. It’s like her biological clock is ticking for me!

Plus, I know so many people who tied the knot young only to get divorced a year or two or five down the road. I want FOREVER and I’m damn sure gonna get it whether it’s with a man or myself. I don’t want to have it all figured out now because where is the fun in that?

So, tell me, are you feeling left out of the Bridal Brigade? Does it annoy you to see people tying the knot or could you care less?

** Big Thanks to Beyonce for that stupid Single Ladies Anthem. If I have to catch a bridal bouquet to that song one more time...

***Yes, I shamelessly plugged one of my other blogs above. I'm a whore like that.

My ex is MARRIED

Okay, I've known this for a while but finding out he was on facebook and the subsequent stalking revealed they are, in fact, still married. Shocking considering she was hopping from Marine to Marine in an effort to secure a Green Card.

It's so weird to imagine an ex of mine married. Especially one who pretends to be smarter than he is. Some gems from his facebook page:

• Fancy the great outdoors from mountain biking to surfing. Prefer to be in shape so gym sessions are part of my weekly schedule. Tend to want to fix things and use my imagination to make things better like home improvments. I religiously do things myself because this economy makes the comfort of hiring a professional somewhat far fethced.
• Attending school to materialize a diploma is a recent interest and I stress the importance of an education everyday. I have a drive to succeed so reading books that follow suite in the attainment of self-actualization is common. The end result of everything I pursue is to help others through healthcare management and the nursing field. I'll be a little "Focker" just like the movies.
• Music full of expression, almost an art form from the sound of it. Instead of listing what I listen too I will just list what is scarce in my Ipod. Hip/hop, rap, and music that is derogatory just makes no sense to experience, however, I have some music that holds a beat.
• "Avatar" is my favorite movie followed by Out Cold and Without a Paddle. I base my favorites from fantasies of living in the context of the worlds portrayed in each film.

I know, you probably read that and thought to yourself, "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?!?!?!" I have no idea. Except it was fun dating a Marine with my best friend. Because we dated guys stationed together we got to take road trips, fly to Cali, attend Marine Corp balls, etc. Shallow? Yes. But I was 21 and having a good time. But back to the marriage thing...It somehow feels like I failed. Am I alone in this? It's like what do I have to show for anything?

And, another thing, what is the deal with exes moving on and actually becoming able to commit AFTER you invest time in a relationship with them? Why the hell do I feel as though I'm setting my exes up for their next relationships ala Good Luck Chuck? BUSCH.LEAGUE.