The Text Files

We've disussed SEXTING but I want to discuss recent texts from a guy that can only be classified as FLIRTEXTING.

FLIRTEXTING - (Verb) Flirtexting is the marriage of two words Flirt and Texting. Although the courtship began in 1985, with the "invention" of the text message in Finland. This union first officially occured on 11-10-08. The marriage brought together two seperate worlds; 1)Flirt - To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures. & 2)Texting or (SMS) which is a communications protocol allowing the interchange of short text messages between mobile telephone devices.
Heather is always on her phone FLIRTEXTING with guys.

Who is this guy? Well, he is commercial banker of some sort. He sounds pretty important. He's a friend of a friend who is married to my other friend (I love making things complicated). He's attractive, intelligent and kind of a flirt from what I've heard. I have been attracted to him for a LONG time but I kind of slept with his friend (The Groomsman) so I steered clear of him. Though I did use him to make The Groomsman jealous one time. I actually met both of them at the same wedding.

ANYWAY.

The Commercial Banker and I have been talking since July and lately he's been texting me quite a bit. This all started with an updated facebook photo. In which he messaged me to tell me I looked great and see how I was doing. Then he invited me to his neck of the woods to get a drink. Unfortunately, I've been out of town and moving so I haven't had the chance. So, we exchanged numbers and he's been texting me ever since.

Recent texts have turned quite flirty with commercial banker even admitting he's always been interested in getting naked with me.

Flirtexting began August 1st with this text from me to him:

According to the ads I saw, watching shark week leads to sex. Please tell me if this is true.

Response:

Yeah. So what time are you coming over?

Me:

Haha well it would take no less than 12 hours to get there so if I leave now...I could meet you for lunch.

Him:

Damn you.

Me:

Sorry about that but I'm sure if you go on facebook and look through the status updates you can find a chic watching shark week to come by.

Him:

Haha whatever. But you, we would have fun. Alcohol and sharks sounds amazing.

(side note...sounds dangerous)

So the flirtexting began. You'll have to stay tuned to see where it goes! But I want to hear from you...flirtexting...thoughts, concerns, questions?

Email Fun with Hot Baseball Boy

True email conversation that occured after our softball team came from behind to win. Yes, I said came from behind. Isn't it great how sexually charged conversations about sports can be?

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
date: Thu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:07 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

I can't believe no one mentioned the fact that james used the term "pull out" in the subject line... I thought for sure one of you would.

As for depetrios, he's easy. I prefer more of a challenge.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
date:Thu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:05 PM
subject Re: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

What does "pull out" mean?

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
date: Thu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:10 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

You have got to be kidding me right now

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:12 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Not at all

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:21 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Guess you've followed the Boy Scout motto of always being prepared you're whole life...

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:21 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

I don't get where this is going...

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:26 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

I feel like I'm about to have to give you an anatomyy/sex ed lesson and I'm not sure I feel up to the challenge...

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:24 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Hey go for it! Lessons are always a good way to learn!

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 1:33 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

i think you just want to get a good laugh out of me attempting to explain this to you...

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 2:09 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Please, proceed

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 2:30 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Okay so I know we're kind of older...but if you can please remember back to your college days. If not yours, then those of perhaps your drunk baseball teammates. I'll give you a minute to be nostalgic.

Now you know in college guys and gals like to do this thing called "sex" ,"nookie" ,"getting some ass", "getting laid", "getting busy" or whatever you would like to call it(like tab b goes into slot a- if you need me to break it down farther please let me know. I don't want you to be confused). And often times, this occured when maybe some people weren't prepared for this event to happen. He thought she'd have something to cover his tool, and she thought he'd be bringing his own. Isn't it nice that he didn't just assume she'd be an easy lay?

Are you following so far? Do you need a minute to process?

Okay then, when they realized they didn't have the necessary protective goods (you know, they frantically knocked on all the neighbors doors or whatever to be sure or they just said f it and proceeded) they decided to do it anyway. Who needs latex when a guy can just "pull out" before the little guys can swim to the egg. As for where the little guys end up, that's between the guy and the girl. I don't judge.

Do we get it now? I swear to god if you make fun of this explanation, I will probably swing a bat at you. And considering that I swing at anything, I'll probably hit you, too. It's a lot harder to be "delicate" about this topic than I thought.

And that concludes our PBS special on protective measures aka pullng out.

From: Hot Baseball Boy
To: Berryfine
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 2:39 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!

Nice, I do appreciate the breakdown. I do conclude that if you dont "pull out" in time, that both you and the girl will both have a "scare", assuming you both arent serious about having children at that particular time of sexual activity. Am I correct here?

From: Berryfine
To: Hot Baseball Boy
dateThu, Jun 10, 2010 at 2:45 PM
subjectRe: Nothing InCommon Pulls Out 10-8 Win!
You are indeed correct, young man. Gold star on your homework for today!

Now, as with most rules there are always exceptions. For instance, she may not have her "scare" until "that time of the month" mysteriously never comes. And then she's got to figure out who she has to call to have a "talk" with. Which may or may not lead to one of them asking the other if they should "take care of the situation". And then things may get real ugly. Unfortunately, I don't have the time or the skills to draw you a flow chart detailing various scenarios while I'm working.

For those of you keeping track, yes this is the MARRIED guy on my softball team. What the fuck is with me?!?!?!

Imma Flirt

Today has been an awkward and strange day though I suppose it began with last night since I had a bad feeling while celebrating as much-deserved (and needed) kickball win. You know that saying, be careful what you wish for? Well, I tend to be cognizant of it at all times because when I wish for sex with hot guys I may get it…once. And never see, hear or speak to them again. And if I wish for a relationship, well, I get the kinds the girl has no interest in…a puppy dog doormat of a boyfriend or the kind that can maybe fit me into his life in his own good time and has no clue he is hurting me in the process. Now, I have wished for people to find me attractive so I have been working the ass off (literally) and eating right in an effort to get healthy and my opinion more attractive.

Some might say it’s paid off; my guy friends Jeremy and Joe have been noticing my efforts and commenting on it. Random guys do stop to talk to me or tell me I look nice. And I’m being noticed for more than my great eyes (which are pretty spectacular if I do say so myself). Unfortunately for me, it means that my flirting ways are getting me into some jams I have no idea how to get out of…well, in a mature, spare-the-other-person’s- feelings kind of way.



Today, I worked out at the gym per usual and then hit up the smoothie bar for my after shower Lean Body protein shake. After flirting with the too young for me but very cute desk guy, Travis, and the too old for me but very hot married gym crush I went out to my car to find a business card stuck in my door. I’ve never seen someone do advertising like this but I grabbed the card, threw it in my car and drove to work. Well, I just looked it over and realized it was not an advertisement, but the contact information for a guy at my gym. When I first started going to the gym, he was training with my friend Cassandra a few times a week and tipping the scales at an alarming 300+ lbs. He has lost a lot of weight and it is very noticeable so the other day I mentioned to him how great he looked. Mainly because I love hearing how well I am doing on the weightloss train. Apparently, he has taken this to mean I must have an interest in him when, in fact, I was just trying to be nice. And what response did he expect from a business card anyway?!?!?!

Then last night, my IT guy text me and said call when you are done with kickball. No dummy, I text back “what’s up”. To which he says no rush just call. Damn. So I just don’t call him back. It totally helped that my blackberry died while out for beers. So just now I get a text saying he cried himself to sleep last night. LOL. I’m not going to lie, I hate LOL. HATE IT. I used to make fun of my brother’s girlfriend because she used it so much. I can actually see her saying it out loud in every day conversations repeatedly. Anyway, I explained that I’m bad about calling people back and I was busy and my phone died. Then I again asked what’s up. For someone who never knows guys that like her until it’s too late to backpedal or make a move, I felt like I was doing pretty good. He texted back that he had something he wanted to ask me but we could talk later. FUCCCKKKK. The fact of the matter is, I work in an office alone half the day and I get bored. I like talking to anyone and I like making new friends. I figured this is where this was going…

Just by being nice and talking to people, I’ve heard that I’m a flirt and now I guess I have some proof. Between Block, Business card guy and IT guy I’m overwhelmed and thinking maybe weighing a little more and avoiding come ons isn't so bad after all! I'm not sure how to disengage myself from these sticky situations. I don’t even realize I’m flirting or if I do I figure it’s pretty harmless. So, what the hell do I do?

Has your flirting gotten you into a jam? How do you handle unwanted advances? I’m so inept at this I need some lessons!