Remember how I bitched about The Commercial Banker and his text about cumming in my face? No, don't read anymore. Instead, go here and read this rant and then come back.
Caught up?
Okay, great.
Recently, the Ego Booster and I have entered what I suppose is the next stage of our long distance whatever: SEXTING.
It started out innocently enough with a comparison of who had a comfy bed. Which of course, I do. And of course, I'll share with the right person at the right time (as in whoever Mr. Right Now happens to be). As one would expect, this is slowly progressed to hinting about sex. To straight up talking candidly about it.
And then came the unexpected:
"Oh wow, that was a nice dream. I made a mess on you. Going back to bed now."
Yeah, take a moment to process that. The nice guy who took care of me when I was completely out of control, cuddled with me but was nice enough not to put the moves on me since my grandmother had passed away and took me out to breakfast before I left town wants to MAKE A MESS ON ME?
Wtf is up with you guys? We're not goddamn fire hydrants and you're not fucking dogs marking your territory. Why the obsession with cumming ON US?
The more interesting thing to me is I didn't immediately terminate all conversation with him. In fact, I called him on it. Whereas with the commercial banker, I told him he was an asshole and deleted his number. With ego booster, I shot him a text in the am that said:
"Well that was an interesting text to wake up to. I hope you cleaned up after yourself ya jerk."
Ego Booster felt terrible (or made it seem like he did).
EB: Yeah that was a little much. Sorry Berryfine. It won't happen again.
B: Which part?
EB: Falling asleep and waking up to text you results of my dirty as can be dreams.
B: So you'll continue to make a mess of me in your dreams?
EB: Yeah, I'm sure I will. You don't need to read about it first thing in the morning.
B: Well I guess at least you enjoyed your dream
The rest of the morning, he spent his texting apologizing and offering me everything from doing chores around my apartment to cooking for me to massages. I guess he saw the window of opportunity was about to slam shut and was trying to slow it enough to hop on through.
But seriously, can ANYONE explain to me the fascination with men and marking us with their cum? Ego Booster didn't even attempt to explain though he was suitably grossed out when I put it in context for him. When I explained it's not fun to take a cum shot to the face. And referred to myself as a cum receptacle. I think that about did it for him.
Any theories out there?
Showing posts with label The Commercial Banker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Commercial Banker. Show all posts
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, September 27, 2010
Well that was over quick...
So you're probably all wondering the results of my date with The Commercial Banker...well, let;s just say it was over quick and I was left high and dry (literally and figuratively). The case for fucking on the first date has been made (because at least then I'd have gotten some).
Remember how I asked you guys your thoughts on talking about sex on the first date (and how none of you responded)? Well, it wasn't THAT bad. There was the sex bet joke but other than that no talk of it. In fact, homeboy doesn't have the balls to say this to my face but don't worry I got these texts on a Saturday afternoon:
Can you handle my cock in your mouth after UA wins the national championship?
If Alabama wins the national championship I get to cum on your face.
My response:
Wow Commercial Banker you're fucking classy
His:
I'm drunk.
Later on, his house floods. He texts me and tells me. I kind of feel bad and being the nice person I am I ask if there is anything I can do. He says the following:
No, thank you though. Karma for me wanting to cum on your face. haha.
So, yeah, that's not going to work. A friend of mine and I were out to dinner and I told her about it and she was as offended as I. In fact her first response was "What if it got in your eye? OUCHHHH."
The more I think about it, the more I realize that commentary like that is one thing when you're with your guys and your showing off and being dicks. But when you are trying to spend time with a girl, all that those texts show me is you have zero respect for me (and possibly other women). There is nothing nice about having a guy shoot his load into your face in any stretch of the imagination. And especially if you're bringing it up before we've even kissed or gone on more than one date. I don't care how drunk you are, you just don't say shit like that.
Surprisingly enough, we have not spoken since then (aside from my response to the last text calling him an ass). Unfortunately, I will have to see him at the birthday party of my best friend's child this weekend. The juxtaposition of a one year old smashing his cake and a 28 year-old behaving worse than said one year old should be entertaining. And incredibly awkward but I just plan on ignoring him the entire time. If anyone says anything...well, I don't know what I'll say.
Remember how I asked you guys your thoughts on talking about sex on the first date (and how none of you responded)? Well, it wasn't THAT bad. There was the sex bet joke but other than that no talk of it. In fact, homeboy doesn't have the balls to say this to my face but don't worry I got these texts on a Saturday afternoon:
Can you handle my cock in your mouth after UA wins the national championship?
If Alabama wins the national championship I get to cum on your face.
My response:
Wow Commercial Banker you're fucking classy
His:
I'm drunk.
Later on, his house floods. He texts me and tells me. I kind of feel bad and being the nice person I am I ask if there is anything I can do. He says the following:
No, thank you though. Karma for me wanting to cum on your face. haha.
So, yeah, that's not going to work. A friend of mine and I were out to dinner and I told her about it and she was as offended as I. In fact her first response was "What if it got in your eye? OUCHHHH."
The more I think about it, the more I realize that commentary like that is one thing when you're with your guys and your showing off and being dicks. But when you are trying to spend time with a girl, all that those texts show me is you have zero respect for me (and possibly other women). There is nothing nice about having a guy shoot his load into your face in any stretch of the imagination. And especially if you're bringing it up before we've even kissed or gone on more than one date. I don't care how drunk you are, you just don't say shit like that.
Surprisingly enough, we have not spoken since then (aside from my response to the last text calling him an ass). Unfortunately, I will have to see him at the birthday party of my best friend's child this weekend. The juxtaposition of a one year old smashing his cake and a 28 year-old behaving worse than said one year old should be entertaining. And incredibly awkward but I just plan on ignoring him the entire time. If anyone says anything...well, I don't know what I'll say.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Date
As you loyal readers know, The Commercial Banker and I made a bet after a week of shit talking and I lost. So Monday arrived and we decided on some take out and Monday night football. Unfortunately, after an epic Saturday both of us were exhausted and the idea of beer to go with our football was not one we considered.
I think we should have.
It was AWKWARD.
How on earth could we have had so much fun years ago and via text and then have absolutely ZERO chemistry on the date? Everything about it felt forced which bummed me out because considering it was my first date since I was in high school and a virgin, I was pretty excited about it. And I thought a low-key night in would be a good option because it wouldn't feel so pressured.
Boy, was I wrong.
He was friendly and cute enough. But I can't figure if some of his expectations of how I was looking these days were not met or if we were both just exhausted. Sitting on a comfy couch did nothing but make me want to sleep (when normally I'd be contemplating having sex on said couch).
First, can I just say, he has a very cute little house and a dog. The dog actually climbed up on the couch at one point and was sniffing my hair and cuddling with me (which is more than I can say for The Commercial Banker). He did walk out to the car when I pulled up so clearly he'd been watching for me. He looked cute- glasses, plaid button down with the sleeves rolled up, khaki shorts and sneakers (not running or workout shoes, sneakers that he clearly wore a good bit and were like adidas old school shoes or something). Clearly my choice of khaki colored tank top and jeans with platforms was a good one (Judging by his "Hey, look at you. you look great" when I got out of the car). He was super excited about my choice in Meat Lovers pizza and salad (and offered to let me take the leftovers home). So that's the start....
So we sat down and watched True Blood first during which we ended up talking about everything under the sun. We ate our pizza and salad (he had never had a salad from there and approved of my choice) and drank waters. Then we started watching football during which he joked we should make another bet which of course led to sex talk. There was a lot of silence during the tv watching but it wasn't uncomfortable at all. We were both really, ridiculously tired and acknowledged it. We tried to look up Youtube videos from Jon Lajoie but his internet was acting up so I emailed him two of them this morning that I thought he would like.
Umm, homeboy owns Twilight, New Moon and 500 days of summer. So cute. And watches Vampire Diaries. He seemed really impressed with all the things I am interested in which was good but I think it being Monday night (he says he's normally in bed by like 9 on Mondays) and us both being tired kind of sucked. At the end of the football game (a bet I would have lost ps) he walked me out to my car and gave me a hug (but not before he showed me his bedroom? to which I said so this is where the magic happens and he kind of laughed and was like not really). He told me to drive safe and mentioned more than once the next time we hang out so I don't know what that means. He did ask me if I had big plans for the weekend and I said not yet but then he didn't ask if I wanted to hang out so...
I think we should have.
It was AWKWARD.
How on earth could we have had so much fun years ago and via text and then have absolutely ZERO chemistry on the date? Everything about it felt forced which bummed me out because considering it was my first date since I was in high school and a virgin, I was pretty excited about it. And I thought a low-key night in would be a good option because it wouldn't feel so pressured.
Boy, was I wrong.
He was friendly and cute enough. But I can't figure if some of his expectations of how I was looking these days were not met or if we were both just exhausted. Sitting on a comfy couch did nothing but make me want to sleep (when normally I'd be contemplating having sex on said couch).
First, can I just say, he has a very cute little house and a dog. The dog actually climbed up on the couch at one point and was sniffing my hair and cuddling with me (which is more than I can say for The Commercial Banker). He did walk out to the car when I pulled up so clearly he'd been watching for me. He looked cute- glasses, plaid button down with the sleeves rolled up, khaki shorts and sneakers (not running or workout shoes, sneakers that he clearly wore a good bit and were like adidas old school shoes or something). Clearly my choice of khaki colored tank top and jeans with platforms was a good one (Judging by his "Hey, look at you. you look great" when I got out of the car). He was super excited about my choice in Meat Lovers pizza and salad (and offered to let me take the leftovers home). So that's the start....
So we sat down and watched True Blood first during which we ended up talking about everything under the sun. We ate our pizza and salad (he had never had a salad from there and approved of my choice) and drank waters. Then we started watching football during which he joked we should make another bet which of course led to sex talk. There was a lot of silence during the tv watching but it wasn't uncomfortable at all. We were both really, ridiculously tired and acknowledged it. We tried to look up Youtube videos from Jon Lajoie but his internet was acting up so I emailed him two of them this morning that I thought he would like.
Umm, homeboy owns Twilight, New Moon and 500 days of summer. So cute. And watches Vampire Diaries. He seemed really impressed with all the things I am interested in which was good but I think it being Monday night (he says he's normally in bed by like 9 on Mondays) and us both being tired kind of sucked. At the end of the football game (a bet I would have lost ps) he walked me out to my car and gave me a hug (but not before he showed me his bedroom? to which I said so this is where the magic happens and he kind of laughed and was like not really). He told me to drive safe and mentioned more than once the next time we hang out so I don't know what that means. He did ask me if I had big plans for the weekend and I said not yet but then he didn't ask if I wanted to hang out so...
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
And so the waiting begins...
The worst thing about dating in my humble, I-don't-go-on-dates opinion is the waiting. I hate the day (or days) after when you wonder what the fuck is coming next. So much anxiety.
And of course, you end up breaking down the date and analyzing ever word, look or action the other person made to try to determine if their interest in you has waned. In the course of doing this, you decide you are too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too everything they aren't looking for in a girlfriend. Then you start kicking yourself for the outfit you wore, the way you laughed, what you said and wondering what you could have done differently.
Its enough to make a girl wanna be a nun. Speaking of nuns, Oprah had those bitches on TV and I caught the syndicated version over the summer and she did not ask them if they...well, masturbate and imagine God while doing so. I mean, they are married to him for God's sake. Or Jesus. Ohhhh maybe they imagine both, is that cheating? Or maybe I should just go back to dating backwards. At least then I got action.
Anyway, the point is I have now convinced myself The Commercial Banker is not interested in me as anything more than a friend and I am actually really bummed about it.
Never. Dating. Again.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...
When It Rains It Pours...
No, I'm not talking about Golden Showers (ummm fucking EWWWWW).
Instead I'm talking about the fact that I was on a date last night with the Commercial Banker and I had 4 phone calls and 5 texts during which two guys proceeded to ask me out.
Talk about AWKWARD.
The Commercial Banker and I have the same damn phone and ringtone, so every time it went off we were both like whose is it. Then when his phone went off he just assumed it was mine. At one point he joked I was going to HAVE to answer it sometime.
Thank GOD I didn't!
The only good thing about it is I'm not remotely interested in either of them. The bad thing is I'm not remotely interested in either of them. I hate telling people no.
Instead I'm talking about the fact that I was on a date last night with the Commercial Banker and I had 4 phone calls and 5 texts during which two guys proceeded to ask me out.
Talk about AWKWARD.
The Commercial Banker and I have the same damn phone and ringtone, so every time it went off we were both like whose is it. Then when his phone went off he just assumed it was mine. At one point he joked I was going to HAVE to answer it sometime.
Thank GOD I didn't!
The only good thing about it is I'm not remotely interested in either of them. The bad thing is I'm not remotely interested in either of them. I hate telling people no.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I have a DATE!
Okay...not really. But Kind Of. The closest I've had in a good while anyway.
With who you ask?
Why The Commerical Banker!
Pretty. Pumped.
Obviously.
So, how did it happen? Well, he is an Alabama fan and I am a Georgia fan. We made a bet on the Georgia game this weekend that was for booze. And then Georgia lost.
DAMNIT.
He spent a nice day yesterday buttering me up after my loss with texts like this:
Think of it this way, we will be hanging out either way. It's a win win for me lose or win.
I want to put my arms around you.
Whatever I just want to see you.
Dinner on me. I just want to hang out with you.
Can we watch football and cuddle tomorrow?
Of course we were both hung over as FUCK today so he text me at 4:30 and said we can watch Monday Night Football and eat take out tomorrow. Which is perfect for me. No real pressure. I'm gonna have to do some research on the teams playing haha :)
Have you ever bet your way into a date with someone? How did it end up?
**And yes, we did joke about betting for sex. But I decided thats more of a National Championship game type bet!
With who you ask?
Why The Commerical Banker!
Pretty. Pumped.
Obviously.
So, how did it happen? Well, he is an Alabama fan and I am a Georgia fan. We made a bet on the Georgia game this weekend that was for booze. And then Georgia lost.
DAMNIT.
He spent a nice day yesterday buttering me up after my loss with texts like this:
Think of it this way, we will be hanging out either way. It's a win win for me lose or win.
I want to put my arms around you.
Whatever I just want to see you.
Dinner on me. I just want to hang out with you.
Can we watch football and cuddle tomorrow?
Of course we were both hung over as FUCK today so he text me at 4:30 and said we can watch Monday Night Football and eat take out tomorrow. Which is perfect for me. No real pressure. I'm gonna have to do some research on the teams playing haha :)
Have you ever bet your way into a date with someone? How did it end up?
**And yes, we did joke about betting for sex. But I decided thats more of a National Championship game type bet!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Text Files
The Commercial Banker and I have been getting closer via texts. I simply do not have the time or energy to properly spend time with him. And to be honest, I'm kind of nervous to see him again. It's been quite some time since the last time we hung out and I'm not sure what he does or does not know about The Groomsman. The day after he drunk text me that he wanted to see me that night (I didn't go meet him) he was again texting me but this time about my apartment.
Him:
How's the new place?
Me:
Looks like a bomb exploded. It will take FOREVER for me to get everything set up.
Him:
Don't be a baby :)
Him:
I'm still in bed btw
(sidenote: its 1:03 pm on a Saturday. I had already gotten up, unpacked some more, written my mom's resume with her and was heading to the gym)
Me:
A baby? Ummm...rude.
Him:
You know I'm kidding.
Totally innocent. I guess I could have gone with the whole still in bed thing but I was heading to a bachelorette party so I wasn't in the mood to flirt. Too much stuff to get done.
Him:
How's the new place?
Me:
Looks like a bomb exploded. It will take FOREVER for me to get everything set up.
Him:
Don't be a baby :)
Him:
I'm still in bed btw
(sidenote: its 1:03 pm on a Saturday. I had already gotten up, unpacked some more, written my mom's resume with her and was heading to the gym)
Me:
A baby? Ummm...rude.
Him:
You know I'm kidding.
Totally innocent. I guess I could have gone with the whole still in bed thing but I was heading to a bachelorette party so I wasn't in the mood to flirt. Too much stuff to get done.
Do the guys you flirtext with flip between the mudane (how's the new apt) and the sexual (me and shark week...)? How do you handle it? What does it mean?
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Text Files
So, if you'll recall, recently I began flirtexting with The Commercial Banker. It started with a mention of shark week and sex and has gone from there. After a week of silence, The Commercial Banker broke it a week after I moved into my new place. I was just coming home from a night out with my friend to a nearby bar and was exhausted when this came through at 1:54 am:
I should have called you tonight.
Oh really? Can we say DRUNK.TEXTING. Nice, commercial banker. It's nice to know he's not too mature. He still gets hammered and sends out texts to the ladies.
My response (as I was crawling into bed):
Why is that? Haha, I just back to my new apt.
Him:
I wanted to see you tonight. But I was going to call but I couldn't picture your face. It's been too long.
Me:
Ummm that's kind of a random comment. Especially since you could have gotten on facebook to see it easily. Are you drunk texting me right now?
Him:
Don't judge me.
Me:
Haha. No judgement here buddy. I'm a drunk- it would be hypocritical of me to judge you. Next time just call. Or text...before 2 am.
I haven't gotten a drunk text since The Whatever and I started up so it was kind of nice and definitely funny to get it. But where would it lead to next?
I should have called you tonight.
Oh really? Can we say DRUNK.TEXTING. Nice, commercial banker. It's nice to know he's not too mature. He still gets hammered and sends out texts to the ladies.
My response (as I was crawling into bed):
Why is that? Haha, I just back to my new apt.
Him:
I wanted to see you tonight. But I was going to call but I couldn't picture your face. It's been too long.
Me:
Ummm that's kind of a random comment. Especially since you could have gotten on facebook to see it easily. Are you drunk texting me right now?
Him:
Don't judge me.
Me:
Haha. No judgement here buddy. I'm a drunk- it would be hypocritical of me to judge you. Next time just call. Or text...before 2 am.
I haven't gotten a drunk text since The Whatever and I started up so it was kind of nice and definitely funny to get it. But where would it lead to next?
Friday, August 20, 2010
The Text Files
We've disussed SEXTING but I want to discuss recent texts from a guy that can only be classified as FLIRTEXTING.
FLIRTEXTING - (Verb) Flirtexting is the marriage of two words Flirt and Texting. Although the courtship began in 1985, with the "invention" of the text message in Finland. This union first officially occured on 11-10-08. The marriage brought together two seperate worlds; 1)Flirt - To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures. & 2)Texting or (SMS) which is a communications protocol allowing the interchange of short text messages between mobile telephone devices.
Heather is always on her phone FLIRTEXTING with guys.
FLIRTEXTING - (Verb) Flirtexting is the marriage of two words Flirt and Texting. Although the courtship began in 1985, with the "invention" of the text message in Finland. This union first officially occured on 11-10-08. The marriage brought together two seperate worlds; 1)Flirt - To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures. & 2)Texting or (SMS) which is a communications protocol allowing the interchange of short text messages between mobile telephone devices.
Heather is always on her phone FLIRTEXTING with guys.
Who is this guy? Well, he is commercial banker of some sort. He sounds pretty important. He's a friend of a friend who is married to my other friend (I love making things complicated). He's attractive, intelligent and kind of a flirt from what I've heard. I have been attracted to him for a LONG time but I kind of slept with his friend (The Groomsman) so I steered clear of him. Though I did use him to make The Groomsman jealous one time. I actually met both of them at the same wedding.
ANYWAY.
The Commercial Banker and I have been talking since July and lately he's been texting me quite a bit. This all started with an updated facebook photo. In which he messaged me to tell me I looked great and see how I was doing. Then he invited me to his neck of the woods to get a drink. Unfortunately, I've been out of town and moving so I haven't had the chance. So, we exchanged numbers and he's been texting me ever since.
Recent texts have turned quite flirty with commercial banker even admitting he's always been interested in getting naked with me.
Flirtexting began August 1st with this text from me to him:
According to the ads I saw, watching shark week leads to sex. Please tell me if this is true.
Response:
Yeah. So what time are you coming over?
Me:
Haha well it would take no less than 12 hours to get there so if I leave now...I could meet you for lunch.
Him:
Damn you.
Me:
Sorry about that but I'm sure if you go on facebook and look through the status updates you can find a chic watching shark week to come by.
Him:
Haha whatever. But you, we would have fun. Alcohol and sharks sounds amazing.
(side note...sounds dangerous)
So the flirtexting began. You'll have to stay tuned to see where it goes! But I want to hear from you...flirtexting...thoughts, concerns, questions?
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