Shower Sex

Recently, I've been thinking about shower sex a GREAT deal. I don't know why but I want it bad. So I thought I would embrace that want by sharing with you a shower sex story....

First off, I love shower sex. I'm a multitasker. Anything that can knock out two birds with one stone is a thing I'm going to be all over. Oh, I can clean off and get off? Yeah, I'm down with that.

Second off, wet is sexy. It really is. Guys, you know the scenes in movies with chicks coming out of the water are your favorites. Girls...well, I'd agree except sub in hot guy with ripped abs and arms to die for. 

Not exactly what was in the shower with me but then again I'm not exactly a Victoria's Secret model so I suppose we were on equal footing.

Anyway, The Groomsman and I had spent a weekend drunk and doing God knows what and were going to spend a nice little Sunday doing more of the same. Mind you, I had met up with him at a bar on Friday and it was now Sunday and we had only left the house for more food and booze. So, I have the dress I wore Friday and that is it. The Groomsman wakes up, hits the restroom for man time and then comes back out and unceremoniously hauls my naked, sleeping ass out of the bed and into the iciest shower I have ever encountered. To say I screamed bloody murder would not even cover the bloodcurdling scream that emanated from my chest. If I had balls, they would have retreated into my body for safe haven. 

Anyway, The Groomsman, still blissfully outside the shower, fiddles with the water temperature until my breathing slows from all out heaves to a mellow I'm exhausted from shivering and then turns on some music and hops in behind me. 

What happens next is in no way sexy.

The Groomsman suds his hair up and begins singing along to The Killers while basically jumping up and down. As if he is at the concert. As if he is not naked, in a shower. As if his dick isn't flaccidly flopping around. Picture a 6'5" guy naked, suds streaming down his body, JUMPING, hands in the air. Dick flapping. 

What does this have to do with shower sex?

Well, after my initial WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE, I started laughing. I just couldn't stop and I'm leaning against the wall, water beating in my face, sputtering uncontrollably. He finally pauses (as the song had ended) looks at me and grins. 

"What? You don't sing in the shower?" he asks.

Then he begins washing my hair for me. Which feels like heaven. And of course leads to mutual body washing. And suddenly dick is no longer flopping around in every direction; but, rather, standing at attention.

Before I know it, The Groomsman has moved from washing my back to pushing me into the shower wall and entering me with a quick thrust. 

Now, I know it seems as if I should have known sex was coming but after the dance competition he participated in by himself to start the shower I honestly had no clue it was going there. So the surprise of being thrust into with virtually no foreplay or warning was incredibly hot. And the bite to the cord of my neck was pretty hot, too.

Somehow the most ridiculous shower scene I could imagine turned into the hottest and one I have yet to be able to replicate with anyone else. Which this week is especially frustrating!

The Ring Check

Soooo another one of my conquests has proposed to his girlfriend. I thought it was time to check in with the conquests and see who would still be up for a fuck if I dialed him now*.

1. The First- as far as I can tell, single. Last I heard, banging all his old conquests that are not currently engaged or married.
2. Penis Nano- just proposed to what I am assuming is Vagina Nano.
3. The Bartender- in a relationship. With a girl who shares my name.
4. Spring Break Guy- unknown.
5. Dr. Pothead- still in a relationship. Going on like 4 years. Told me last week he plans on proposing.
6. TrueLove- Engaged. Fiance moved from up north down to Atlanta to be with him and he popped the question.
7. The Whatever- Engaged. To a girl who apparently dislikes me despite never having spent more than 5 minutes with me.
8. Lucky Charms- single. And looking better than ever.
9. The Marine- MARRIED. Still. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.
10. The Groomsman- Single.
11. Batboy- In a serious relationship.
12. Spring Fling- Engaged to be married in TWENTY FIVE DAYS!!!! (Babe! so says his fiance on his facebook page).
13. The Sleeper- unknown
14. The Cable Guy- unknown
15. TD Tommy- unknown

* I know, even with a ring on it they could feasibly be down to fuck.

Why Can't I Remember the 1st Time Groomsman and I bumped uglies?

I'm trying to recall the first time The Groomsman and I fucked.

And I can't.

I mean, I have a first time I do remember but I feel like maybe it was before the time I remember. And it's really bothering me that I'm not sure if that was the first time or not.

I need to/want to/have to post on him soon but I just cannot get it together. I don't want to post on the time I remember only to find out it wasn't the first time.

Arghhh....maybe my number has gotten too high.

The Text Files

The Commercial Banker and I have been getting closer via texts. I simply do not have the time or energy to properly spend time with him. And to be honest, I'm kind of nervous to see him again. It's been quite some time since the last time we hung out and I'm not sure what he does or does not know about The Groomsman. The day after he drunk text me that he wanted to see me that night (I didn't go meet him) he was again texting me but this time about my apartment.



Him:
How's the new place?



Me:
Looks like a bomb exploded. It will take FOREVER for me to get everything set up.



Him:
Don't be a baby :)



Him:
I'm still in bed btw



(sidenote: its 1:03 pm on a Saturday. I had already gotten up, unpacked some more, written my mom's resume with her and was heading to the gym)



Me:
A baby? Ummm...rude.



Him:
You know I'm kidding.



Totally innocent. I guess I could have gone with the whole still in bed thing but I was heading to a bachelorette party so I wasn't in the mood to flirt. Too much stuff to get done.

Do the guys you flirtext with flip between the mudane (how's the new apt) and the sexual (me and shark week...)? How do you handle it? What does it mean?

The Text Files

We've disussed SEXTING but I want to discuss recent texts from a guy that can only be classified as FLIRTEXTING.

FLIRTEXTING - (Verb) Flirtexting is the marriage of two words Flirt and Texting. Although the courtship began in 1985, with the "invention" of the text message in Finland. This union first officially occured on 11-10-08. The marriage brought together two seperate worlds; 1)Flirt - To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures. & 2)Texting or (SMS) which is a communications protocol allowing the interchange of short text messages between mobile telephone devices.
Heather is always on her phone FLIRTEXTING with guys.

Who is this guy? Well, he is commercial banker of some sort. He sounds pretty important. He's a friend of a friend who is married to my other friend (I love making things complicated). He's attractive, intelligent and kind of a flirt from what I've heard. I have been attracted to him for a LONG time but I kind of slept with his friend (The Groomsman) so I steered clear of him. Though I did use him to make The Groomsman jealous one time. I actually met both of them at the same wedding.

ANYWAY.

The Commercial Banker and I have been talking since July and lately he's been texting me quite a bit. This all started with an updated facebook photo. In which he messaged me to tell me I looked great and see how I was doing. Then he invited me to his neck of the woods to get a drink. Unfortunately, I've been out of town and moving so I haven't had the chance. So, we exchanged numbers and he's been texting me ever since.

Recent texts have turned quite flirty with commercial banker even admitting he's always been interested in getting naked with me.

Flirtexting began August 1st with this text from me to him:

According to the ads I saw, watching shark week leads to sex. Please tell me if this is true.

Response:

Yeah. So what time are you coming over?

Me:

Haha well it would take no less than 12 hours to get there so if I leave now...I could meet you for lunch.

Him:

Damn you.

Me:

Sorry about that but I'm sure if you go on facebook and look through the status updates you can find a chic watching shark week to come by.

Him:

Haha whatever. But you, we would have fun. Alcohol and sharks sounds amazing.

(side note...sounds dangerous)

So the flirtexting began. You'll have to stay tuned to see where it goes! But I want to hear from you...flirtexting...thoughts, concerns, questions?

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sighhhh... Unlucky 13. I better fuck someone soon so I can get off that number.

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. TrueLove
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper
13. Touchdown Tommy

Berryfine's Reasons Why Not

Anyone remember that show Emily's Reasons Why Not? Yeah, me neither. Sorry, Heather Graham. But I did read the book it was based on and I thought of it today when my boss and I were talking about wedding announcements.

Boss: Are you excited for your trip to Vegas?
Berryfine: Well, if I actually get there and have any money when I get there then YES! Speaking of which the couple's wedding announcement is in the paper today. [I show it to her]
Boss: Oh, I love the picture.
Berryfine: The announcements are so boring though. It's like they exist simply so people's grandparents and parents can be mentioned in 8 pt font. [Boss laughs] Unless you're famous. Then they tell the story of how you met...

I launch into this story I found while stalking one of my one night stands via facebook which just made me realize...FUCK...he's not on the list so my number is actually 13. God. Damnit. WTF. So I guess I'll be amending that list soon. Anyway, read the story but the gist is this couple just kept missing each other and then timing and blah blah blah. Which lead to my boss saying this:

The man you are going to marry could be right under your nose!

To which, I responded without hesitation:

Good Lord! I hope not!

Which lead me to ponder why these guys wouldn't work out....sooo, here you go, for your enjoyment:

1. The First: Ummm, short or long version? Basically, the kid is a fuck up. Seriously, straight out of Rome, GA with the common sense of an ant (which is actually kind of an insult to the ant). Incredibly smart but ADHD and with no sense of right or wrong in that it applies to him, The First and I were way too volatile. You know how they say sometimes love isn't enough? Well, in this case love drove us both absolutely crazy. We literally brought out the worst in each other (not to mention we were straight off Jerry Springer). But the sex was great. If I could get past my mental qualms I'd probably go back for seconds. That and he'd have to lose some weight.
2. The Bartender: Monogamy occurred with Tony and my friend Krista. Who I hooked up after he and I finished having sex. I wanted a relationship, he needed a distraction from the break up. And now we are friends.
3. Spring Break Guy: Well, obviously, I have no clue what this guy's name is so that is problem number one. Number two would be that he had a girlfriend back home waiting on him to finish banging me in a bathroom. I know, epitome of class right here.
4. Dr. Pothead: Good Lord, ask my friend Shannon, this has got to be the biggest dick my vagina has ever encountered. I'm not sure my vagina could handle it. Not to mention he is super smart but kind of a space cadet due to massive quantities of weed inhaled.
5. TrueLove: Ohhhh TrueLove. He was the kind of guy who would throw you into a wall in public and just make out. With your entire face. And he has ex-girlfriend issues.
6. Penis Nano: I call him penis nano for a reason.
7. The Whatever: Well...we're best friends now. Everyone has a one that got away. This is that guy. He's bought a house with his current girlfriend so I'm sure marriage is on the horizon.
8. Lucky Charms: I used to joke this guy had lucky charms in his pants. It's not a joke. And I'm pretty sure this is the second and hopefully last guy Krista and I have both slept with.
9. The Spring Fling: Well, Matt was needy. Christ, we slept together on the beach on spring break and when we got back to school one time. He followed me around like a puppy. Which is nice on days you feel fat but on other days it is just obnoxious. If only I could take him out like a toy and play with him.
10. The Marine: Married. That would be a problem. And he had this obsession with not finishing during sex but waiting until after I fell asleep to go to the shower. WTF? Apparently, that less than one percent chance of pregnancy scared the fuck out of him but we both hated condoms. I'm sorry this will never work. And, as Vanessa can attest to, he was kind of dumb as a brick.
11. The Groomsman: My friend Brittany's fiance told me I could do better. On my birthday. Immediately prior to me ditching my friends to go get birthday sex with him. He is a great fuck buddy but lacks the common courtesy skills to be a boyfriend. Like, if something comes up and you aren't coming to pick them up, hello? CALL THEM. Jesus.
12. The Sleeper: Well, obviously, this guy will have sex anywhere and while I'm on the public places train I'm not okay with sex when other people are across the twin bed from me. Plus, we just met. Weirdo.
13. Batboy: Idk how I forgot this guy. I hiked home in the snow two miles to my friend Lexi's place after we had sex. The foreplay was great, the sex...so, so. All could be forgiven since he plays guitar except that he lives a fabulous life working for MLB, living in NYC and dating a gorgeous girl.

So, what are your dealbreakers? Could a guy you have already dated be the one? Would you be okay with that?

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sigh, here it is. The Big 12:

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. Lucky Charms
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper