Happy Day of Birth

I want to wish a very warm

HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to PENIS NANO!

When you're blowing out the candles this year, know that the wish of women the world over has been granted now that you've settled down and will no longer make us feel as though we have big vaginas as you thrust your lipstick dick in and out without our knowledge.

The Ring Check

Soooo another one of my conquests has proposed to his girlfriend. I thought it was time to check in with the conquests and see who would still be up for a fuck if I dialed him now*.

1. The First- as far as I can tell, single. Last I heard, banging all his old conquests that are not currently engaged or married.
2. Penis Nano- just proposed to what I am assuming is Vagina Nano.
3. The Bartender- in a relationship. With a girl who shares my name.
4. Spring Break Guy- unknown.
5. Dr. Pothead- still in a relationship. Going on like 4 years. Told me last week he plans on proposing.
6. TrueLove- Engaged. Fiance moved from up north down to Atlanta to be with him and he popped the question.
7. The Whatever- Engaged. To a girl who apparently dislikes me despite never having spent more than 5 minutes with me.
8. Lucky Charms- single. And looking better than ever.
9. The Marine- MARRIED. Still. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.
10. The Groomsman- Single.
11. Batboy- In a serious relationship.
12. Spring Fling- Engaged to be married in TWENTY FIVE DAYS!!!! (Babe! so says his fiance on his facebook page).
13. The Sleeper- unknown
14. The Cable Guy- unknown
15. TD Tommy- unknown

* I know, even with a ring on it they could feasibly be down to fuck.

Where Is His Dick?

Okay, first, everyone have a mini-orgasm taking in the sexiness of this picture. Never, have I ever thought blood was sexy but JESUS. Bang me now, please. Any of them. All of them. Thanks PopWrap for bringing this to my attention.

Second, where the fuck is Alexander Skarsgard's dick? Shouldn't it be hanging just a bit below Anna's leg?Just the tip? I really hope they photo shopped that shit or we have another case of Penis Nano and this is much more depressing than my real-life version.

Are All the Good Ones Taken?

So, I play on a softball team and as we all know, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baseball players. LOVE (see my crush on Josh Beckett, my continued fucking of Penis Nano, my relationship with The Whatever and my one night stand with Batboy...). So obviously, playing co-ed softball is pretty much heaven on earth for me. Baseball players and incompetent buffoons who think they can play. Some hot, some not. But man put a bat in their hands and I'd do just about anything for them. It's a wonder that I'm able to keep my cleats on during the game!

Of course, this wouldn't matter if there weren't one absolutely ADORABLE guy on my team. Oh man, I thought he was cute at first but after watching him play a few games and chatting him up I was definitely HOT for the guy. Homeruns should be his middle name. Diving catches out of NOWHERE were a regular occurance for him. And lately, my regular activity has been STARING at him and taking it all in.

So, imagine my surprise, when, after a CRUSHING defeat in which I laid it all out there and did big things, I overheard this conversation.

Teammate One: You almost felt bad for her, thinking you were a lefty.
Hot Baseball Player: Yeah, I almost pretended to be one for her. And the first baseman told everyone I hit a homer before that.
Teammate One: Hell of a homer it was.
Teammate Two: Imagine her surprise when you dinged a weak hit to short.
Hot Baseball Player: Yeah she was real impressed. She told me she likes weak bats-
Teammate One: I got a weak bat for her.
Hot Baseball Player: She even touched my leg!
Teammate Two: What's your wife going to say about that?

Okay, look past the ridiculous commentary on two average looking girls who were impressed by my man's skills (oh wait, he's not mine) hone in on the last line. EXCUSE ME?!?!?! WIFE?

What the fuckity fuck fuck fuck is that shit? Why are you married?WHY WHY WHY WHY IS EVERY DAMN GUY I MEET MARRIED OR ON HIS WAY DOWN THE AISLE? Have I really reached the age at which every guy is going to be gay, married or come with the baggage of divorce and children? I'm not bringing little monsters, wedding bands or fetish for the same sex so why can't they be equally as perfect?!?!

Do You Have a Type?

I do. I definitely have a type- not the oh he has to be tall, dark, handsome, white, black, purple, short, fat, funny, smart...blah blah blah. But I am as predictable as...well, really that's a stupid fucking saying because the sunrise really isn't all that predictable is it? Anyway...I have a type. And that type is...ATHLETIC. Oh man I love sweaty, atheletic, smelly MEN. Yummy.

One of these days, I might even share my dream proposal with you. Shocking, I know, that a single gal like myself who hates weddings has one but the fact is I DO.

I should really be more specific about my type. Despite dating a basketball player, football player, tennis player and hockey player...anyone who knows me knows I like a guy who rides the bench. Or more accurately who swings for the fences.

I ADORE BASEBALL PLAYERS*.

So, when a friend of mine mentioned the Macon Pinetoppers were staying on campus nearby for the summer months, I couldn't have been more excited. And immediately let down upon finding out how young they all are. Whatever, age doesn't matter when they are sliding into home, does it? I mean with some exceptions you pervs. I still plan on catching them so I'm scoping the website now to see what the roster has to offer.

First, I want the t-shirt on the home page. Second, there is no roster. Or photos. WTF is that?

So, instead, I've scoured the internet for my favs from the top team in the world! Whoop, whoop, you can thank me later!

Phil Hughes-

Pitcher

6'5"

240 lbs

6/24/1986

Kevin Russo-

Second Base

5'11"

190 lbs

7/8/1984

Attended Baylor College

Robinson Cano-

Second Base

6'0"

205 lbs

10/22/1982

He's Domincan and look.at.that.tongue.

Bret Gardner-

Center Field

5'10"

185lbs

8/24/1983

Attended College of Charleston

And then there is the obvious Derek Jeter, who is just the sweetest, most professional. And Jorge Posado who is just a hustler. And my favorite, Andy Petitte. All of whom may just be cute because they play baseball!

*Please see Penis Nano, The Whatever and Batboy for confirmation.

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sighhhh... Unlucky 13. I better fuck someone soon so I can get off that number.

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. TrueLove
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper
13. Touchdown Tommy

I'm in LOOOVVVEEEE...

Okay, not really so don't get all excited and start picking out china designs for me! Instead, I wanted to talk about a common occurrence (from what I understand) of how love and sex get twisted around.

Yesterday, while working, I had on the first season of Samantha Who? and my favorite episode came on. Okay, maybe not my absolute favorite because I adored that show but the commentary on this episode is particularly funny and appropriate for this blog so I thought I would share and then maybe add my scattered thoughts to the mix. Samantha has sex for the first time since she has developed amnesia due to a hit on the head (its more involved than that but if you want to know more, rent the show on DVD and find out). She comes running into work to confide in her best friend that SHE.IS.IN.LOVE. LOVE. After a few weeks of dating and one week of sex. The reason I love this episode so much? Because it admits that even us "adult" women fall prey to this same phenomenon that we indulged in as "kids". But the best part of the episode, and possibly the most truthful part, comes courtesy of my favorite character Andrea.

"It is just biology! You have sex, your face gets flushed, you feel all warm and wonderful. It seems like LOVE but its actually just nature's way of telling you to stick your panties in your purse and RUN."

I love everything about Andrea- I want to be her!

Don't lie. We've all been here. We have fantastic sex and suddenly we're weaving fantasies about happily ever after. Very few times have we just approached sex in the logical, "Well that's done and it was fun" manner. For God's sake, The First and I had sex THEN started dating. Basically because we were having sex. Which is all well and good when you are in college, but as a grown-up? Not so much. Thinking back, I think every guy I've slept with has had a nice little love fantasy weaved about him. Except Penis Nano. Because who wants to be stuck with Penis Nano?

The First and I were going to move to NYC and live in a nice apt for a while. Then move to the suburbs and have a house with a wrap-around porch and rocking chairs. He'd work in PR and I would work for a magazine. And...well, how that fantasy died is for another day. Suffice to say, last I heard The First is living in bumfuck, GA after dropping out of law school and I'm working as a medical biller and living in metro-Atlanta.

Sometimes, we don't even have to have sex for me to fantasize about happily ever after. Let's face it, when you're single and jonesin' for someone you just can't help it. Sometimes, I pretend gym crush isn't in a relationship with a baby (or covered in tattoos) and imagine us dating...after he throws me into a shower and has sex with me of course. Got to wash off that grime.

What is it about sex for women that is directly linked to love? We obviously don't have to BE in love to have it (see my number of partners for evidence of this) but often times after having it, everything is so perfect and wonderful. It's easy to slip on the rose colored glasses and imagine that awesomeness just continuing in a neverending loop with that same person who just made you cum three times in a row. Ahhh pheromones.

What are your thoughts on this topic? Am I alone in fancying myself in Love (or very strong like) after sleeping with a guy?

Penis Nano Revisited

So, I was going through my toybox (yes, I said toybox. I'm 26 years-old and keep a toy box in my bedroom) and found a notebook from when I was in Jersey. Apparently, I really needed to work through this Penis Nano issue and thought it might be nice to write it all down. Little did I know how entertaining it would be years later to read about it. So, here it is, unfiltered, straight from the time it occurred....my recollections of Penis Nano.

How could you be 6'3" and have SUCH A CRAPPY PENIS? I mean honestly. His parents must have really pissed God off for him to end up with the short end of the stick. I mean, COME ON! He's pretty much perfect except that I can't hardly feel him banging around in there. Maybe he was hit in the privates oo many times as a child baseball prodigy...

And does he realize how small his dick is? And if so, what's he doing going around fucking girls for? Why is he disappointing all these girls?

OH GOD. What must it feel like for him to stick his lipstick tube of a penis in a vagina? I imagine my vagina must feel a little loose (though I must admit its nice not to feel excruiating pain when he shoves it in so he has that going for him). What if he's not small?!?!?! What if I have a big cave for a vagina? A gaping black hole?

No. No. No.

Otherwise EVERY other guy I've fucked has had penises in the 99th percentile cause it always hurts at first. Oh. My. God. What if they've all stretched me out and now it'll never been good for me or the guy!?!?!?! Then I'll have to take advantage of drunks like him for the rest of my life!

Nano

Pam Beasley: If he were an iPod, he'd be a shuffle!

So, I recently got a new iPod Nano and I'm pretty excited about it but I cannot think about it without thinking about my dear friend Beth who christened one of my...fucks... Penis Nano. I'm sure you can guess why but just for the utterly slow it's because his penis was small. Real Small. Small is actually being nice.

Of course, me being me, it took more than one time for me to come to the conclusion that his penis was smaller than a tube of lipstick. No, just like with Panera's lemonade which I know is disgusting but continue to try, I just had to go back for seconds and thirds to be sure. Thank god baseball season came around and he headed off for the farm league so I could stop making stupid decisions.

Have you ever had a small dick? I mean really had it. Given it a second shot. Tried a new position just to see if you could make it work?

Let me save you the trouble, it's not worth it.

If you think it's too small, it definitely is. And no amount of maneuvering is gonna make that thing blossom. Yes, it may seem shallow to you but it's not.

The first time Penis Nano and I had sex, we were hammered. It was a bad decision on my part but I just cannot resist a baseball player. I love them. It has actually taken incredible restraint not to throw a post a day up about my newest baseball crush. Anyway... So, I came over to the place of a friend of his and its about twenty guys and me. In typical early twenties I have no respect for myself and I'm hammered fashion, Penis Nano and I hit the bathroom up for some standing up hitting it from behind sex. Thank god he played with my magic button or I never would have finished. I was so drunk though I could not decide if the position was just bad or if his penis was that tiny.

A few weeks later, we met up at another friends place and tried again. On a couch. Me on top. I have never wanted to ask is it in yet in my life. I mean, imagine trying to impale yourself on...ehhh...your pinky maybe? That's how horrible it was. And how the fuck did he finish? It had to be like throwing his penis in a big, empty high school hallway. I mean, was it echoing down there?

Finally, I thought, third time is the charm. Great pick up lines like "You have great boobs" led to me going home with him. I was sober. Well, sober for 6 beers in 6 hours. This time we had a bed which was comfy. And that was about the only comfy thing about the encounter. I mean the kissing was nice...and the groping was...alright...and the stroking was relaxing. But the jack rabbiting "penis" he was thrusting into my seemingly large vagina was not fun. I have never wanted to ask someone if their penis was in me yet.

So, why did I keep going back to it? I suppose I like the idea of Penis Nano. 6'3", 195 lbs of bat swinging, ball-busting male. Unfortunately, the bat in his pants was of the little league variety and there was no salvaging that season. And so I leave you with someone who has felt my pain:

Berryfine's Reasons Why Not

Anyone remember that show Emily's Reasons Why Not? Yeah, me neither. Sorry, Heather Graham. But I did read the book it was based on and I thought of it today when my boss and I were talking about wedding announcements.

Boss: Are you excited for your trip to Vegas?
Berryfine: Well, if I actually get there and have any money when I get there then YES! Speaking of which the couple's wedding announcement is in the paper today. [I show it to her]
Boss: Oh, I love the picture.
Berryfine: The announcements are so boring though. It's like they exist simply so people's grandparents and parents can be mentioned in 8 pt font. [Boss laughs] Unless you're famous. Then they tell the story of how you met...

I launch into this story I found while stalking one of my one night stands via facebook which just made me realize...FUCK...he's not on the list so my number is actually 13. God. Damnit. WTF. So I guess I'll be amending that list soon. Anyway, read the story but the gist is this couple just kept missing each other and then timing and blah blah blah. Which lead to my boss saying this:

The man you are going to marry could be right under your nose!

To which, I responded without hesitation:

Good Lord! I hope not!

Which lead me to ponder why these guys wouldn't work out....sooo, here you go, for your enjoyment:

1. The First: Ummm, short or long version? Basically, the kid is a fuck up. Seriously, straight out of Rome, GA with the common sense of an ant (which is actually kind of an insult to the ant). Incredibly smart but ADHD and with no sense of right or wrong in that it applies to him, The First and I were way too volatile. You know how they say sometimes love isn't enough? Well, in this case love drove us both absolutely crazy. We literally brought out the worst in each other (not to mention we were straight off Jerry Springer). But the sex was great. If I could get past my mental qualms I'd probably go back for seconds. That and he'd have to lose some weight.
2. The Bartender: Monogamy occurred with Tony and my friend Krista. Who I hooked up after he and I finished having sex. I wanted a relationship, he needed a distraction from the break up. And now we are friends.
3. Spring Break Guy: Well, obviously, I have no clue what this guy's name is so that is problem number one. Number two would be that he had a girlfriend back home waiting on him to finish banging me in a bathroom. I know, epitome of class right here.
4. Dr. Pothead: Good Lord, ask my friend Shannon, this has got to be the biggest dick my vagina has ever encountered. I'm not sure my vagina could handle it. Not to mention he is super smart but kind of a space cadet due to massive quantities of weed inhaled.
5. TrueLove: Ohhhh TrueLove. He was the kind of guy who would throw you into a wall in public and just make out. With your entire face. And he has ex-girlfriend issues.
6. Penis Nano: I call him penis nano for a reason.
7. The Whatever: Well...we're best friends now. Everyone has a one that got away. This is that guy. He's bought a house with his current girlfriend so I'm sure marriage is on the horizon.
8. Lucky Charms: I used to joke this guy had lucky charms in his pants. It's not a joke. And I'm pretty sure this is the second and hopefully last guy Krista and I have both slept with.
9. The Spring Fling: Well, Matt was needy. Christ, we slept together on the beach on spring break and when we got back to school one time. He followed me around like a puppy. Which is nice on days you feel fat but on other days it is just obnoxious. If only I could take him out like a toy and play with him.
10. The Marine: Married. That would be a problem. And he had this obsession with not finishing during sex but waiting until after I fell asleep to go to the shower. WTF? Apparently, that less than one percent chance of pregnancy scared the fuck out of him but we both hated condoms. I'm sorry this will never work. And, as Vanessa can attest to, he was kind of dumb as a brick.
11. The Groomsman: My friend Brittany's fiance told me I could do better. On my birthday. Immediately prior to me ditching my friends to go get birthday sex with him. He is a great fuck buddy but lacks the common courtesy skills to be a boyfriend. Like, if something comes up and you aren't coming to pick them up, hello? CALL THEM. Jesus.
12. The Sleeper: Well, obviously, this guy will have sex anywhere and while I'm on the public places train I'm not okay with sex when other people are across the twin bed from me. Plus, we just met. Weirdo.
13. Batboy: Idk how I forgot this guy. I hiked home in the snow two miles to my friend Lexi's place after we had sex. The foreplay was great, the sex...so, so. All could be forgiven since he plays guitar except that he lives a fabulous life working for MLB, living in NYC and dating a gorgeous girl.

So, what are your dealbreakers? Could a guy you have already dated be the one? Would you be okay with that?

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sigh, here it is. The Big 12:

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. Lucky Charms
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper