The Ring Check

Soooo another one of my conquests has proposed to his girlfriend. I thought it was time to check in with the conquests and see who would still be up for a fuck if I dialed him now*.

1. The First- as far as I can tell, single. Last I heard, banging all his old conquests that are not currently engaged or married.
2. Penis Nano- just proposed to what I am assuming is Vagina Nano.
3. The Bartender- in a relationship. With a girl who shares my name.
4. Spring Break Guy- unknown.
5. Dr. Pothead- still in a relationship. Going on like 4 years. Told me last week he plans on proposing.
6. TrueLove- Engaged. Fiance moved from up north down to Atlanta to be with him and he popped the question.
7. The Whatever- Engaged. To a girl who apparently dislikes me despite never having spent more than 5 minutes with me.
8. Lucky Charms- single. And looking better than ever.
9. The Marine- MARRIED. Still. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.
10. The Groomsman- Single.
11. Batboy- In a serious relationship.
12. Spring Fling- Engaged to be married in TWENTY FIVE DAYS!!!! (Babe! so says his fiance on his facebook page).
13. The Sleeper- unknown
14. The Cable Guy- unknown
15. TD Tommy- unknown

* I know, even with a ring on it they could feasibly be down to fuck.

Examining the Gaggle

The Girls over at WTF is UP with My Love Life (thanks Hot Mess for turning me onto them) are hotly debating Gaggles and Self-Justifying Players. Sidenote: I came into the discussion late and every time they said SJP I thought they meant Sarah Jessica Parker which made me think of Carrie from Sex and the City which actually isn't too far off base since after thinking about it she may be the female Self-Justifying Player. Anyway...they are discussing opening up your horizons by having a gaggle of guys who provide SOMETHING in your life. And also, that they should be able to shift from what they offer. SOOOO...I thought I should maybe look over my own gaggle (if I even have one!) First, WTF is a gaggle? Go there and find out.

1. The ExWhatever: He may be engaged but until a ring is on his finger I consider him an option. Even though I have contented myself with a really shitty friendship with him (courtesy of his fiance throwing walls up between us). Even if a ring is on his finger, I'll secretly be hoping their marriage fails and I'm there when it crumbles. Currently, he is the measuring stick I use to evaluate all other prospects though I had found someone I thought was an even better prospect, he is currently on my shitlist. I will still make sure I look damn good any time there is a chance the ExWhatever could cross my path (which admittedly since relocating is not often).
2. The Ex: THE Ex, The guy who stole my virginity from me. Lets be honest, no matter how many times I pretend to be over him, he'll always be a prospect I consider going back to. The last time I spoke to him, I ditched him in a bar and never saw him again but I know if I cross his path again, it will be hard to pretend I don't care what he's up to or who he is fucking. Like the ExWhatever, he is a measuring stick for the men in my life- the measuring stick of what not to be!
3. The Gym Crush: currently taking applications for this role (also, if you're any good jacking photos from websites, hit me up. I finally found the original gym crush online and would love for you all to see him). Since I can't go to my gym anymore, I don't see him but I hold out hope I'll unexpectedly bump into his tattooed self. He's not a viable candidate for romance (wife and kid and all that) but for a hookup (I know I'm a horrible person but would you rather me spend my life wondering). He's the motivation in my morning and I sorely need it back.
4. The 70s Throwback: I might care a little too much what people think about this guy to go the distance (at least if I stay in Atlanta) but he's the most intelligent guy I've spoken to in a long time. Once you look past his polyester shirts, afro and awesome 70s porn star stache, he's witty and funny and actually cute in a totally different I love me some hippies (who shower) kind of way. I spend most of my days texting back and forth with him (drunk and sober) and entertaining myself with his humor.
5. The Family Guy: He's in our circle of friends and ideally he is the kind of guy I hope to one day meet and settle down with (no matter how many times I tell you guys I'm not getting married). He's college educated, hard working and successful in his chosen career, loves sports and is very close with his family (who are all also awesome). Currently in his man-whore phase so I'm steering clear. I don't see or talk to him often but if I ever need anything he drops everything for me which is great. He's the first one to notice if something is wrong and ask about it.
6. The Hookup: Currently single (for now) the hookup is a player, player but great in bed. When he calls and I'm busy, it has the power to ruin my night. I find myself trying to find ways to get out of whatever is really important that I am attending to so I can run off and let him pleasure me. Problem at this junction would be that I don't know a whole lot about him. Is he intelligent? Does he have goals? Will he ever settle down? That might be part of the allure. I'd hate to blow it off and miss out on all those things happening with me benefitting from it.
7. The Friend: Who is actually a friend of The Ex (post breakup). Solid job, solid family, solid friends, just all around a solid person. Right now, he's one of my favorite people (our post weekend recap phone calls are absolutely the high light of my Mondays). We've always just been friends so I've never thought about crossing that line but you never know.
8. The IT Guy: The guy at work who handles IT for me (literally the only one I will go to for help) also happens to now be a friend. He has tried to ask me on dates and I always wiggle my way out of it. The weird thing is I cannot see myself dating him (I do not find him sexually attractive) but when he has a girlfriend, I get annoyed by it. Maybe I just want to attention to be centered on me. Or maybe, deep down in a place I refuse to acknowedge I am interested in him (we'll never know since this refusal wall is up and made of steel).
9. The Long Distance Friend: Has a girlfriend. Texts and emails and calls me constantly. When we hang out, people always think he's my boyfriend. But that pesky girlfriend thing is in the way.

Clearly, my gaggle needs to be expanded. What are your thoughts on the gaggle mentality? Is your gaggle in need of improvement?

No Place Like the Bed of a Truck

Do you have a place you go just to get laid? I don't intentionally go to mine, but every time I have gone to a particular bar (which I plan to cover in a different post) I always end up going home with someone.

Or just as far as the car.

The Whatever and I had been, well....whatever for a while when we decided to go into downtown Atanta from his townhouse in the burbs. We met up with some of his buddies and got dinner and watched the Arizona State- UGA football game. Then we went and caught Who's Bad. We won the game and The Whatever and I were TRASHED. At the end of the night, we had lost the group and thought we would just go grab his keys from the valet and figure it out from there. Unfortunately, we thought wrong.

The valet had closed up shop and left a sticker on the car stating we would need to pick our keys up at 11 am the following morning.

Not that I remember any of this.

You see I woke up at 8 am fucking FREEZING with the sky above me and NO FUCKING PANTS ON.

NO PANTS ON!?!?!

I immediately did the Did I just have Sex last night check and discovered.... Yes, Yes I did.

I woke up in the bed of The Whatever's Toyota Tacoma with no fucking pants on, shivering my ass off in the back parking lot of a fucking bar.

Yes, yes, I am a slut.

The best The Whatever and I can figure is we got back and discovered we couldn't get his keys (where the fuck would we have gone anyway?) and then I ran through my phone for friends in Atlanta. None of who picked up that were willing or able to drive. We decided we would sleep in the bed of the truck and get the keys when the valet showed up in the morning. Well... I don't know if you've ever tried sleeping in the bed of a truck but let me tell you...

IT'S NOT FUCKING COMFORTABLE. AT ALL.

And I was horny. And drunk enough not to give a shit where we had sex or who saw me. Hell, he could have stripped me in the bar and I would have said, "Yes, please, may I have another."

From the random, black out flashbacks that have returned to me slowly, we tried cuddling as comfortably as possible and then after a few minutes decided we might as well take advantage of this ridiculous situation and fuck. So... we did. It was messy and so not comfy and I think in the end I had to ride him to hell and back so we could finish. I had bruises on both knees and elbows (apparently we tried doggy style?). But damnit, I know for a fact that I am the only girl my Whatever has fucked in the bed of a truck in the back parking lot of a bar. Classy? Not so much. Memorable (even through a drunken blackout)? Fuck yes.

So you're probably wondering how that story ended, huh? Turns out the valet doesn't return to that parking lot. And you can't get the keys from the location he does go to until 11. We ended up at Ihop trying to sleep in a booth and giggling because we had sex in a parking lot and didn't get caught. Then we got kicked out of Ihop and had to return to the truck to wait 2 more hours. Then we realized we didn't know where the fuck the keys would be. Two hours later we figured it out and walked a mile to get the keys and a mile back to the truck. Suffice to say after we drove 30 minutes home, we crashed in his bed and then ordered chinese and a movie.

Have you broken in the bed of a truck before? Sex in a parking lot? Would you be embarrassed by this story or ashamed (I'm fucking ecstatic. I think it's awesome.)?

Are All the Good Ones Taken?

So, I play on a softball team and as we all know, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the baseball players. LOVE (see my crush on Josh Beckett, my continued fucking of Penis Nano, my relationship with The Whatever and my one night stand with Batboy...). So obviously, playing co-ed softball is pretty much heaven on earth for me. Baseball players and incompetent buffoons who think they can play. Some hot, some not. But man put a bat in their hands and I'd do just about anything for them. It's a wonder that I'm able to keep my cleats on during the game!

Of course, this wouldn't matter if there weren't one absolutely ADORABLE guy on my team. Oh man, I thought he was cute at first but after watching him play a few games and chatting him up I was definitely HOT for the guy. Homeruns should be his middle name. Diving catches out of NOWHERE were a regular occurance for him. And lately, my regular activity has been STARING at him and taking it all in.

So, imagine my surprise, when, after a CRUSHING defeat in which I laid it all out there and did big things, I overheard this conversation.

Teammate One: You almost felt bad for her, thinking you were a lefty.
Hot Baseball Player: Yeah, I almost pretended to be one for her. And the first baseman told everyone I hit a homer before that.
Teammate One: Hell of a homer it was.
Teammate Two: Imagine her surprise when you dinged a weak hit to short.
Hot Baseball Player: Yeah she was real impressed. She told me she likes weak bats-
Teammate One: I got a weak bat for her.
Hot Baseball Player: She even touched my leg!
Teammate Two: What's your wife going to say about that?

Okay, look past the ridiculous commentary on two average looking girls who were impressed by my man's skills (oh wait, he's not mine) hone in on the last line. EXCUSE ME?!?!?! WIFE?

What the fuckity fuck fuck fuck is that shit? Why are you married?WHY WHY WHY WHY IS EVERY DAMN GUY I MEET MARRIED OR ON HIS WAY DOWN THE AISLE? Have I really reached the age at which every guy is going to be gay, married or come with the baggage of divorce and children? I'm not bringing little monsters, wedding bands or fetish for the same sex so why can't they be equally as perfect?!?!

Do You Have a Type?

I do. I definitely have a type- not the oh he has to be tall, dark, handsome, white, black, purple, short, fat, funny, smart...blah blah blah. But I am as predictable as...well, really that's a stupid fucking saying because the sunrise really isn't all that predictable is it? Anyway...I have a type. And that type is...ATHLETIC. Oh man I love sweaty, atheletic, smelly MEN. Yummy.

One of these days, I might even share my dream proposal with you. Shocking, I know, that a single gal like myself who hates weddings has one but the fact is I DO.

I should really be more specific about my type. Despite dating a basketball player, football player, tennis player and hockey player...anyone who knows me knows I like a guy who rides the bench. Or more accurately who swings for the fences.

I ADORE BASEBALL PLAYERS*.

So, when a friend of mine mentioned the Macon Pinetoppers were staying on campus nearby for the summer months, I couldn't have been more excited. And immediately let down upon finding out how young they all are. Whatever, age doesn't matter when they are sliding into home, does it? I mean with some exceptions you pervs. I still plan on catching them so I'm scoping the website now to see what the roster has to offer.

First, I want the t-shirt on the home page. Second, there is no roster. Or photos. WTF is that?

So, instead, I've scoured the internet for my favs from the top team in the world! Whoop, whoop, you can thank me later!

Phil Hughes-

Pitcher

6'5"

240 lbs

6/24/1986

Kevin Russo-

Second Base

5'11"

190 lbs

7/8/1984

Attended Baylor College

Robinson Cano-

Second Base

6'0"

205 lbs

10/22/1982

He's Domincan and look.at.that.tongue.

Bret Gardner-

Center Field

5'10"

185lbs

8/24/1983

Attended College of Charleston

And then there is the obvious Derek Jeter, who is just the sweetest, most professional. And Jorge Posado who is just a hustler. And my favorite, Andy Petitte. All of whom may just be cute because they play baseball!

*Please see Penis Nano, The Whatever and Batboy for confirmation.

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sighhhh... Unlucky 13. I better fuck someone soon so I can get off that number.

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. TrueLove
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper
13. Touchdown Tommy

Berryfine's Reasons Why Not

Anyone remember that show Emily's Reasons Why Not? Yeah, me neither. Sorry, Heather Graham. But I did read the book it was based on and I thought of it today when my boss and I were talking about wedding announcements.

Boss: Are you excited for your trip to Vegas?
Berryfine: Well, if I actually get there and have any money when I get there then YES! Speaking of which the couple's wedding announcement is in the paper today. [I show it to her]
Boss: Oh, I love the picture.
Berryfine: The announcements are so boring though. It's like they exist simply so people's grandparents and parents can be mentioned in 8 pt font. [Boss laughs] Unless you're famous. Then they tell the story of how you met...

I launch into this story I found while stalking one of my one night stands via facebook which just made me realize...FUCK...he's not on the list so my number is actually 13. God. Damnit. WTF. So I guess I'll be amending that list soon. Anyway, read the story but the gist is this couple just kept missing each other and then timing and blah blah blah. Which lead to my boss saying this:

The man you are going to marry could be right under your nose!

To which, I responded without hesitation:

Good Lord! I hope not!

Which lead me to ponder why these guys wouldn't work out....sooo, here you go, for your enjoyment:

1. The First: Ummm, short or long version? Basically, the kid is a fuck up. Seriously, straight out of Rome, GA with the common sense of an ant (which is actually kind of an insult to the ant). Incredibly smart but ADHD and with no sense of right or wrong in that it applies to him, The First and I were way too volatile. You know how they say sometimes love isn't enough? Well, in this case love drove us both absolutely crazy. We literally brought out the worst in each other (not to mention we were straight off Jerry Springer). But the sex was great. If I could get past my mental qualms I'd probably go back for seconds. That and he'd have to lose some weight.
2. The Bartender: Monogamy occurred with Tony and my friend Krista. Who I hooked up after he and I finished having sex. I wanted a relationship, he needed a distraction from the break up. And now we are friends.
3. Spring Break Guy: Well, obviously, I have no clue what this guy's name is so that is problem number one. Number two would be that he had a girlfriend back home waiting on him to finish banging me in a bathroom. I know, epitome of class right here.
4. Dr. Pothead: Good Lord, ask my friend Shannon, this has got to be the biggest dick my vagina has ever encountered. I'm not sure my vagina could handle it. Not to mention he is super smart but kind of a space cadet due to massive quantities of weed inhaled.
5. TrueLove: Ohhhh TrueLove. He was the kind of guy who would throw you into a wall in public and just make out. With your entire face. And he has ex-girlfriend issues.
6. Penis Nano: I call him penis nano for a reason.
7. The Whatever: Well...we're best friends now. Everyone has a one that got away. This is that guy. He's bought a house with his current girlfriend so I'm sure marriage is on the horizon.
8. Lucky Charms: I used to joke this guy had lucky charms in his pants. It's not a joke. And I'm pretty sure this is the second and hopefully last guy Krista and I have both slept with.
9. The Spring Fling: Well, Matt was needy. Christ, we slept together on the beach on spring break and when we got back to school one time. He followed me around like a puppy. Which is nice on days you feel fat but on other days it is just obnoxious. If only I could take him out like a toy and play with him.
10. The Marine: Married. That would be a problem. And he had this obsession with not finishing during sex but waiting until after I fell asleep to go to the shower. WTF? Apparently, that less than one percent chance of pregnancy scared the fuck out of him but we both hated condoms. I'm sorry this will never work. And, as Vanessa can attest to, he was kind of dumb as a brick.
11. The Groomsman: My friend Brittany's fiance told me I could do better. On my birthday. Immediately prior to me ditching my friends to go get birthday sex with him. He is a great fuck buddy but lacks the common courtesy skills to be a boyfriend. Like, if something comes up and you aren't coming to pick them up, hello? CALL THEM. Jesus.
12. The Sleeper: Well, obviously, this guy will have sex anywhere and while I'm on the public places train I'm not okay with sex when other people are across the twin bed from me. Plus, we just met. Weirdo.
13. Batboy: Idk how I forgot this guy. I hiked home in the snow two miles to my friend Lexi's place after we had sex. The foreplay was great, the sex...so, so. All could be forgiven since he plays guitar except that he lives a fabulous life working for MLB, living in NYC and dating a gorgeous girl.

So, what are your dealbreakers? Could a guy you have already dated be the one? Would you be okay with that?

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sigh, here it is. The Big 12:

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. Lucky Charms
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper